Love Lost (Love's Improbable Possibility)

by Belvin, Love

  The outside of Cobalt provided much aesthetics, boasting bright flashing lights and a fancy marquee, which was all I could see because I entered through the rear. There were about eighty performances that night and could only be three winners. I had no expectations of winning. I just wanted to experience the stage. Jimmie would always say there’s nothing like it. He said it took some time to master it but no time to feel the high from it. I was the seventy-seventh to go on and began to get extremely nervous. I had to ask myself why I was so anxious. It’s not like I was in it for the competition. I thought it would be like dancing in the mirror when alone or with Jimmie and the rest of the class at the studio.

  I took the stage with the curtain down. There were more than a gazillion butterflies in my stomach. No—the best way to describe it was more like elephants. The last thing I heard was Jimmie whispering, “Honey, you’ll be great! Remember, you’re The Lost One Found!”

  I saw Mr. Gatson’s knowing smirk on his face with his arms folded as if he was waiting to be impressed. I don’t know if what Jimmie said should’ve eased my nerves or increased my fears. But man, when I heard the beat drop as I sat in the black wooden chair with my back turned to the audience it felt as if something coated my mind and body and I was no longer surrounded by an audience.

  The song that I did my number to was Vanity 6’s 1980s hit, “Nasty Girl”. And that night I was just that. The beat was electrifying and easy to be guided by. Jimmie chose it believing it complimented my passive mannerisms. Little did he know, there was a wild side to me—it just wasn’t for everyone to experience.

  I twirled, lunged, arched, pumped, dropped it, spun, hurled, teased, and popped. I demanded the stage. When Vanity would sing about living in a fantasy and asking if I was a nasty girl, I was that nasty girl. It felt so natural; I forgot where I was and focused on my inner sex-goddess. The experience was invigorating.

  I had to be careful not to emulate a stripper but a dancer with grace and dignity instead. So there were no shirts coming off like in other numbers performed here tonight. And I did more than feel the beat, I was one with the beat. When I ended the number, I commanded the audience. I could tell by the expressions on their faces. That snatched me from the trance I was in. I heard applauses, screams, and whistles.

  When I walked off stage Jimmie was there clapping and yelling, “She’s found! She’s found! I knew it! Bravo!”

  He grabbed me into his arms and held me for dear life. I was trying to calm down. That was quite an experience up there on stage. After recieving my evaluation from Jimmie, I hurried and changed. I was ready to get home because I had an early morning the next day, but Jimmie would kill me if I were to leave before they announced the winners. I knew I wouldn’t win, my competitors had been at this for years. They relied on this talent. And me? Well again, it was just a hobby.

  I went out to the bar figuring I’d get a nice cold drink while they called the winners. I moved my way through the crowd to an unoccupied seat. I motioned for the bartender and ordered a sprite with lots of ice. That’s what my body needed at the time. I heard them announce the third place winner. It was Wendy, last year’s first place winner. She didn’t seem too happy about her ranking as she took to the stage to collect her trophy. Big deal! I thought to myself then I felt someone grab my arm. I looked up and it was Richard.

  “What the hell are you doing here?!”

  “I just wanted to surprise you by showing up to offer a little support. You were hot, mami!” Richard’s hands were clasped together as he tried to mask his enthusiasm.

  “I don’t need any support. Just a little privacy as I told you earlier! How did you even know where—”

  I started to rip him a new one when he shrieked and drew in a hefty breath, “Rayna! They called your name, mami! You won! You won! Go!”

  I looked up and heard the MC announce, “Again, number 77, Crème!?”, as he searched the crowd.

  I was so stunned my body trembled as I went up to collect my trophy. As I approached the stage, I saw Jimmie jumping up and down as if he’d won the lottery. I had to remind myself this was a win for Jimmie. This is what he dedicates his life to; so I tried to act excited.

  “You worked that, baby!” the MC said in a slick and greasy way. I cut my eyes at him and looked into the crowd for Jimmie. He was right there in front with his hands locked in front of him with the look and stance of a proud father.

  I won second place. I couldn’t be happier for him. After all, he chose the song and the moves. I debated him on the song fearing it was too impish. But he was adamant about the combination and I couldn’t fight him anymore after a while. When I came down from the stage, as the MC was announcing the first place winner, I walked over to Jimmie and gave him the trophy and certificate.

  “You earned it, Jimmie.”

  “Now, I’ll take the trophy but you keep the certificate. You put in the work, girl! You’re The Lost One Found! Just marvelous!” he cheered. “And who’s this?” he asked as he batted his long eyelashes. I turned to find Richard right on my ass!

  “No one,” I murmured to Jimmie. I preferred my private life to remain just that. Besides, Richard was exactly that—nobody.

  I turned and said to Richard, “Let’s go!” as I motioned my head to the door. He turned and started walking. I turned to Jimmie, kissed him, and said goodnight. He gave me a look of pity as if I was some confused hopeless that I’m sure had to do with my dismissal of Richard.

  I caught up to Richard and when we got near the front door, a young kid walked up to me, grabbed my arm, and snarled, “Yeah, Ma, you did ya’ thing up there. Call me if you wanna make some money and make something of ya’self wit’ dat body,” and then looked back at his friends as they all laughed.

  Richard must have caught the sentiment of his outburst though not the details of it and glared at the young guy, “What did you say?”

  I told Richard not to waste his time. I looked at the kid, who could be no more than twenty-one or so, and jeered through clenched teeth, “Little fucker, you wouldn’t know how to make money off any part of my body if I pointed it out to you!”

  His boys started Oooing and Ahhhing at him. It was clear that he didn’t like that at all.

  “Fuck outta here, bitch,” he hissed making it clear that his pride was hurt.

  As I turned to walk away, I felt a strong push of verve emanating from a distance. It was a powerful force that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand erect. As I pushed Richard out of the door, I turned in search of the eyes that were burning the side of my head.

  Then I placed them.

  I saw a tall, powerfully poised and commanding figure standing with a drink in his hand near the bar. With his head slightly bowed gazing fixedly at me. His presence was superior and magnetic. He never spoke a word or gestured a movement. Feet away from him, I almost got lost in his eyes and my heart began to flutter for a minute as chills ran the course of my spine. I’d never felt a pull so potent or experienced a man with such an alluring aura. It impelled my stride out of the door.

  Outside Richard was asking why I didn’t let him defend me in the club. “That kid disrespected me, too. He could see you were with me.” I didn’t have time to entertain his insecurities. I was too busy gathering my bearings from mesmeric experience I’d just had in the club.

  “And what is ‘being with you’? You’re not my man. Things like that happen all the time. I can handle myself.” I thought it was cute that he wanted to be my knight in shining armor. I started to tease him. “What’s up with you anyway? You’re keeping something from me.”

  “What do you mean, Rayna?”

  “What I mean is we’ve never spent any private time together in all the seven months we’ve known each other,” I goaded him.

  He raked his fingers through his thick black silky mane as he let out a deep sigh, full of exasperation. “You’ve never invited me over and I’m not going to ask you to get a room with me. That wouldn’t be polite.”
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  “I’ve never invited you to my home because you’ve never invited me to yours. If you don’t show me yours I won’t show you mine.” I strolled my index finger down his chest slowly. “You know it isn’t safe out here in L.A. for a single woman,” I continued.

  He was getting excited and I could tell he was thinking. Thinking of how to get me alone, which wouldn’t be easy.

  “Why can’t we go back to your place?” he asked.

  “Uhn…uhn!” I said as I walked up to him and started licking his neck.

  “Well, then I guess it’s to my place we go!” He let a moan escape from my tongue action. “Why don’t you drop your car off at your place and I’ll follow you. And then we’ll go to my place?” he continued.

  “Uhn… uhn. I’ll follow you from here in my car,” I bargained.

  “Okay!”

  As I was following behind Richard, I could tell he was on the phone a lot. I knew it had something to do with where we were going. I figured maybe he was telling a roommate to clean up before we got there. I wasn’t interested in anything more than a friendship with Richard but tonight I wanted to be that nasty girl Vanity 6 sang about earlier and he was the only candidate.

  We pulled up to a Spanish-style apartment complex. As we walked up to the door, it opened before Richard could get his keys together. A stocky guy with sandy blonde hair, green eyes and a welcoming smile was walking out.

  “Hey Rich!” he greeted.

  “Hey, Danny! This is my friend Rayna. Rayna, this is my roommate, Danny,” Richard announced.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Danny,” I greeted with a nod.

  “Same here! Hey Rich, I won’t be back for a few hours. I’m meeting my girl,” Danny offered as he fetched his keys from his tight pockets.

  “Okay, I’ll see you later!” Richard said waiting for Danny to walk off.

  Danny stood there for a few seconds ogling me with a boyish-like smile—almost salivating. He eventually caught himself and started on his way. Richard motioned me inside and I obliged. I immediately began patrolling the place looking for signs of who Richard was. I didn’t see any personal pictures, just a few of a woman who Richard said was Danny’s girlfriend.

  He offered me a drink. I obliged.

  A few minutes later, he came into the living room with cheap wine in plastic cups. I took off my shoes to get a little more comfortable. We began to talk. The cheap wine gave me a baby buzz and suddenly I found his jokes amusing. When he saw the alcohol taking effect, he started speaking Latin-lingo. It was not agreeing with me and I wasn’t trying to totally kill my buzz. I wanted sex, so I lunged at him and threw my tongue in his mouth. He had to catch his balance. As he started to caress me with one hand, he put down his cup down with the other. I could tell he was startled by my aggressiveness, which I liked.

  We started going at it as he disrobed me. Before I knew it, he was putting on a condom. He attempted to enter me very dramatically. This was supposed to be a feeling free sexual experience for me and he wants to act so in love?

  For some reason he fumbled down there giving me the impression that either he had no previous experience or was extremely nervous, so I motioned for us to switch positions. I crawled on top for a ride. This way I was in charge.

  He reached up to stroke my breasts. My nipples were so hard that I thought they’d burst. I positioned myself over him prepared to lower myself. All of a sudden, I heard the door click. A second later, the door opened. My head slung behind me to catch the unexpected guest. I caught my balance and I stopped as I saw the same short, stubby, redhead I’d asked about in the pictures earlier. She saw me topless over the sofa and gasped for air as she held her chest.

  Richard looked up and screamed, “Amy?!”

  “Richard?” she trilled in return. I thought I was watching a movie. I started scrambling for my clothes as they were doing the twenty questions thing.

  “What are you doing here, Richard? Where’s Danny?” she asked as she kicked the door to shut it behind her.

  “Ummm. He went out to the store or something…” I guess that was all he could muster as he was fending for his clothes.

  “No. He went out with his girlfriend, right?” I asked facetiously. If there was one thing I hated more than a liar was a bad liar.

  “What’s going on? I’m his girlfriend! What are you doing here, Richard?” she began to shout.

  “Can I explain later?” he pleaded.

  “NO!” we both yelled.

  “Richard does Maria know you’re doing this? Does she know about Maria?”

  By this time I was as dressed as I needed to be to leave. I looked at Richard with murder in my eyes, “I guess not. That’s why we’re here, huhn?”

  As I marched towards the door my last words to him were, “And you know to never call me again, don’t you?” I slammed the door behind me and all but ran to my car.

  On my drive home, I reminded myself I knew he was hiding something. He would just pop up places, which meant the times we were together were times that were convenient for him. And the fact that he never invited me to his place was a red flag. I wasn’t hurt; I was embarrassed about looking like a whore in apparently someone else’s home.

  Wait until I tell Michelle this one. I just needed to get to bed; I had a long day ahead of me.

  In bed, tossing and turning, I couldn’t rest that night. Slumber wrestled against restiveness. My day had been too active. I graduated, won a dance-off, and got caught preparing to have sex with a cheating man—in someone else’s apartment—all in one day. I twisted and turned all night. When five o’clock came the following morning, I got up and jumped on the treadmill for an hour. Once that was complete, I started my day earlier than usual.

  I arrived at work just before eight a.m. although we didn’t start appointments until nine. The lights were all off, which I expected as I was typically the first to arrive. After checking the messages and making notes of them I then started pacing through the building turning on the lights. I thought to turn on the muzak system first because I had one of the songs that played in rotation in my head, but decided to wait until all of the lights were on first and found myself humming the song instead.

  When I found my way to the back area near the storage room where the copy room is, I opened the door and hit the light switch and heard someone gasp as I was about to turn to leave the room. With my heart racing at being startled, I pivoted in my tracks, jumped and then gasped myself.

  It was Michelle’s uncle, Dan Smith, with young Hailey Witherspoon. Mr. Smith’s belly was competing with his willy! I didn’t expect this from him at all. So many thoughts routed my mind in rapid speed. If Dr. Witherspoon only knew his daughter was giving out professionals of the oral persuasion to the senior partners I’m sure he’d put his bid in for partnership. I was beyond embarrassed, mortified better described my case.

  Damn! When will this end? I can’t take another peculiar moment!

  “Oops! I’m sorry!” shot from my mouth before turning the lights back off and shutting the door behind me.

  Soon after, I heard Hailey yell, “Shit!”

  I tried dreadfully to go about my day as usual. When I saw Hailey again it was around ten a.m., she didn’t speak and neither did I. I simply carried on like business as usual. Mr. Smith appeared at the front-end desk that I was covering that particular day handing in a file at around lunchtime. After asking me to schedule the client’s next appointment he looked over to me with tentative eyes, “Uh…Rayna…”

  “Yes, Mr. Smith,” I responded and forgot to breathe.

  “I’d like to meet with you tomorrow morning concerning your professional endeavors. I just learned of your recent graduation from PT school. Let’s say eight thirty a.m.?” he proposed and walked away, just like that. He didn’t wait for a response. My stomached dropped to my stilettos and I could feel my racing pulse in my neck. I didn’t know why he posed it as a question as if I could say no.

  “Sharon, I’ll be
taking my lunch now. Please cover the desk?” I asked one of the permanent receptionists just before I went to my small office to grab my purse and phone and left.

  “Shelly, I’m in trouble!” I yelled into the phone as soon as I got into the steamy car.

  “What happened?” From Michelle’s tone, I could tell she was preoccupied, likely in her office crunching numbers. After filling her in on the story, she yelped, “No wonder!”

  “No wonder what?!” My tone was far more demanding than I intended.

  “He called me asking me for a staff re-evaluation meeting.” I didn’t understand why he’d call the firm’s accountant regarding staffing concerns other than it being because I was the accountant’s best friend, the best friend who the accountant arranged to come aboard.

  “Oh my god, Michelle, he’s going to fire me! And he thinks it’s the most opportune time because I just graduated. He feels he’s fulfilled his obligation of your request to have me come here to gain PT experience. You asked him to help me out until I get on my feet professionally and the time has come. He’s held up his end of the bargain and I’ve put myself in a precarious situation with him and he wants me out.” I was forced to take a breath.

  I began feeling light-headed. But I had to continue. “Michelle, how can I get around the question of why am I not employed with Smith, Katz & Adams Sports Medicine Center after being employed by them while studying? Answer me, Shelly! What?” I screamed into the phone, talking a mile a minute.

  “Calm down, Rayna.” She turned on the ever-so calming voice. She takes this tone when I’m out of sorts. “He asked for a meeting with me this evening over dinner along with Jim Katz. I’ll gauge where he is from there and get back to you. You just need to calm yourself down. It’ll work out. You’ll see.” She didn’t sound too assured herself.

  “…you sure?” I quizzed. I didn’t believe she was confident about her words of comfort, but what else could she say to console me?

  “Yes, Rayna. Go get a bite to eat and pick up a green tea smoothie from Kelly’s to relax yourself. If you don’t it’ll affect your work and make this situation far worse than what it is. Always show professionalism, even if your employer doesn’t. All you have is your dignity.” She attempted assurance again.