Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs

by Bartlett, Gerry

  “Back from where, Glory?” Jerry lifted my chin until I stared into his eyes. “You know damned good and well he has strict orders not to leave you alone. Not unless I’m with you. Yet I found you with a strange mortal, unguarded.”

  “The mortal was clearly harmless. And Valdez followed Ray for me. I was desperate, Jerry. Ray was upset, bound and determined to go out to Ian’s place to see about the daylight thing. I was going to follow him myself but Valdez forbade it.”

  “Of course he did. You shouldn’t be so foolish. Never should have gone out there in the first place. As I’ve told you more than once.”

  “Yes, yes, I know.” I held up a hand to forestall another lecture. I’d had enough of them. “Just spare me, okay?” I opened the bedroom door. Brittany stood on the balcony. She turned when she saw Jerry and me in the doorway.

  “Where’s Rafe?”

  “He should be back any minute. He followed Ray tonight. Since you weren’t here.” I frowned at her. “Where were you anyway?”

  “Mr. Caine told me to take the night off. So I did.” Brittany crossed her arms over her ample chest. “Unlike Rafe, I do try to maintain a decent life away from the job.” She cocked her head. “They’re coming, both of them.” She stepped back. “Good thing too. You’ve only got about a half hour till dawn.”

  I looked at Jerry. “That means you’d better go.” Too much to hope that I could get him out of there before Valdez and Ray dropped out of the sky.

  “Not a chance.” He smiled grimly. “Not before I have a word with, um, Rafe.”

  Too late anyway. First one bat, then another landed on the balcony. One morphed into a man, the other into a Labradoodle dog.

  “I see you entertained while I was gone, Glory.” Ray scowled and strode into the living room. He pulled a small bottle from his pants pocket and set it on the bar.

  “It wasn’t exactly entertaining. Jerry and his parents dropped by for some information about Ian.” I gasped when Jerry squeezed my waist. Oops, maybe I wasn’t supposed to tell that. “You’re not the only one who wants to see the sun, you know.” I looked back at Jerry. Had that been a nice save or what?

  “Give me a break. I know about your feud, Blade.” Ray sat in a chair and kicked off his shoes. “So your parents are in town. The head of the Clan. I’d better let Ian know to run for his life or call up his own clan and prepare for battle.”

  Jerry crossed the room in a blur of motion and had Ray up by his shirt in an instant. “You’ll do no such thing.”

  “Hands off, Blade.” Brittany held a stake against Jerry’s back, right where it could go through to his heart. “Mr. Caine pays me to keep him safe. If I have to turn you to dust, that’s what I’ll do.”

  “Brit, put that damned thing down.” Valdez stood next to her, every sharp tooth in his mouth showing and he was clearly poised to spring. “I don’t want this to get ugly, but I’ll tear off your arm if I have to.”

  “Stop it, all of you.” I tried to push myself between Ray and Jerry. Not happening now that Ray had both hands wrapped around Jerry’s neck and was doing his best to break it. Jerry’s face was turning red but he couldn’t move. Not with a stake pressed against him.

  “I’m not backing off, Rafe. You put one claw on me and Blade’s gone.” Brittany’s hand stayed steady and she didn’t once look at Valdez. “Mr. Caine, say the word and I’ll do it.”

  Ray glanced at me. I could see his mind working. Yep, this was his chance to get rid of his rival. I let Ray see that if he ordered Blade killed, he’d lose any hope of being with me. That I’d be out of his life forever. Not that I really believed that was a deal breaker. But I had to give it a shot.

  “Jerry, let him go. You can talk this out like reasonable men.” I tried again to get between them, jerking on Jerry’s arm.

  “Ray, tell Brit to put down the stake.” I hit Ray’s back. No answer. Reasonable? Forget it. These were two damned stubborn men hell-bent on killing each other.

  I couldn’t believe what happened next. Blame it on the weight-loss gig or emotional overload. I have no idea. But next thing I knew, I was on the floor sobbing my heart out. Yep, big boo hoos. Loud and obnoxious enough to bring Nathan to his bedroom door to peek out. What he saw sent him right back inside, and we all heard his lock click. Where was strong, self-reliant Glory now? Guess when both the men I loved were at risk, all my tough talk was just that. I tried to stop crying, but obviously Mag’s slap had jarred something loose in my tiny brain and I was stuck in “poor me” mode.

  Jerry swore bitterly and released Ray. Ray let his hands slide off of Jerry’s neck. He nodded to Brittany and she lowered the stake. Valdez didn’t move, still not convinced the action wouldn’t escalate again.

  I just kept crying. I couldn’t see any way out of this mess. Of course Ray wanted Ian to live. The man was a friggin’ genius who might be able to give vampires sunlight someday. Even the Neanderthal-throwback Campbells probably wanted to see the light for themselves. And of course Jerry wanted to kill Ian. It was as natural as breathing for a Campbell to hate a MacDonald. Rational thought didn’t enter into the equation.

  Jerry knelt on one side of me and Ray on the other.

  “Gloriana. Stop yer bawling, lass. The she-shifter didn’t stake me.” Jerry tried to pull me into his arms, but I shook my head and held him off.

  “Glory, baby, come on, now. We stopped fighting. See?” Ray rubbed my back until I raised my head and iced him with a look that made him snatch his hand away.

  “Get away from her, both of you. She’s finally had enough.” Valdez pushed between the two of them. “Come on, Glory. Get up and sit on the couch. Your eyes are red and your nose is running. One of you get her a box of tissues.”

  I sniffled and leaned on my bodyguard to get up. Seemed I’d accidentally restored some sort of order. Of course, I’d lost points on the “strong, independent Glory” scale. But at least the two men in my life had quit trying to kill each other and Brittany had put that horrible stake out of sight. I waved away any other offers of help and settled on the couch, accepting tissues from Brittany and wiping my eyes and nose.

  “Please, both of you, get away from me and sit over there.” I gestured at the chairs on the other side of the room, frowning away first Jerry’s, then Ray’s, attempt to sit beside me on the couch. “Not you either, Rafe. I’ve had it with all of you.” I sniffed, then gave Brittany a hard look. “Not too fond of you either, Brit. You carry a stake? Would you use it on me if Ray asked you to?”

  “Not answering that.” Brit held up her hand and glanced at Valdez. “But I’m hired to do a job. Mr. Caine’s a vampire who might be attacked by another vampire. I have to carry a stake. Blade, you put Rafe at a hell of a disadvantage requiring that dog body. I guess you know that.” She focused on Jerry. “It’s absurd, if you ask me. Either you trust your woman or you don’t. And if you don’t, why the hell are you paying the freight for a full-time bodyguard?” With that, she stepped out on the balcony and shut the door.

  “Good point, Blade. Something I’ve said to Glory more than once.” Ray leaned back in one of the club chairs and smiled. “Time to face facts. The way you’ve been treating this woman is criminal. No wonder she’s leaning toward cutting you loose.”

  “Ray, shut up,” I said this calmly when I wanted to smack that stupid smile right off his handsome face. “Jerry, which way I lean is not the point. And Brittany was way out of line. My relationship with either one of you is not up for discussion. I’m worried about Ian MacDonald and this feud with the Campbells.”

  “Don’t worry about that, Gloriana. It’ll be over soon enough.” Jerry frowned at Ray. “And how I treat my woman is none of your damned business, Caine. I’ve managed to keep her for over four hundred years. You’ve known her less than one. Don’t think that makes you an expert on what she wants or needs.”

  “Jerry, stop! The feud won’t be over. There are MacDonalds all over the world. There will be retaliations just like there always a
re. You simply cannot attack Ian MacDonald.” Now I was pissed. Mr. Expert on Glory didn’t have a freakin’ clue. “And you haven’t ‘kept’ me for four hundred years. Seems like we’re off as much as we’re on.”

  “Oh, really?” Ray’s eyes gleamed and he leaned forward. “Now I get the Valdez deal. Blade needs to keep tabs on you, Glory. In case you get away from him again.”

  I could see Jerry’s steam rising, fists clenching, jaw like iron. “Can we get back to this Ian MacDonald thing?”

  Jerry reluctantly gave up trying to stare a hole in Ray and turned to me. “What about him? You described his pitiful defense. I’ve got more men and the element of surprise. Tomorrow night will be the end of that worthless sod.” He whipped around and glared at Ray. “And you will not warn him. I’ll make sure of that if I have to lock you in a lead-lined coffin until after the battle is over.”

  “Oh, I’m so scared.” Ray laughed.

  Fool. Didn’t he realize that Jerry could do just that? But maybe I hadn’t told Ray we were vulnerable to the lead-lined thing. Yep. Vamps can’t get out through lead, no matter how much strength we’ve got. Forget the myths about silver. It’s lead that stymies us. But never mind that. I needed to convince Jerry that Ian had to live.

  “I heard your mother tonight, Jerry. I’ll bet both your parents want to see the sun again.” I leaned forward. So what if my robe gapped open to flash some boob? I carry my own weapons and know how to use them. Remember, I had three virile men in the room.

  “Yes, of course they would. What vampire wouldn’t? They’re a little more ancient than I am. The three of us are over five hundred years old.” Jerry sneered at Ray. “All of it spent in the dark. Best get used to it, Caine. The rest of us have. Instead of chasing silly dreams.”

  “You think they’re silly dreams?” Ray smiled slowly. “Ask me about that after the Grammys. I’ve got a potion here that Ian says will keep me awake during the day. Hell, Glory’s already seen daylight, haven’t you, babe?”

  “Yes, but it was an accident. Ian’s claims of having a formula that could help vampires see the day, Jerry, may be true.” I couldn’t sit still a moment longer. I got up and walked around the coffee table to pick up the small bottle Ray had brought from Ian’s. “I don’t know exactly what this will do for Ray.” I turned to him. “And I hope like hell you’ll be careful with it. But it’s a beginning, Jerry. Ian’s on to something. He’s not the worthless sod you take him for.”

  Jerry actually looked thoughtful.

  “She’s right, Blade. I told you she stayed awake after the sun came up. Wide-awake, not just sleepwalking.” Valdez nodded toward Ray. “Of course she got burned when the sunlight hit her.”

  “Yeah, so far it’s just looking at sunlight, not actually letting it touch you. But Ian said he’s working on a special sunscreen. He’s tried it on himself, but, like Glory, suffered painful burns.” Ray jumped up. “Seriously, Glory. I’m not stupid or suicidal. I just want to see some daylight. I’m going to try this, see if I can stay awake first. That’s a big freakin’ deal, don’t you think?”

  “Yes, I do. Just be careful. It would be so easy to get carried away.” I waved toward the balcony. “You be sure Brittany is there to take care of you. To keep you from forgetting what you are.”

  “Yeah, right. A Master of the Night.” Ray laughed and sat again. “That Chip Rollins. He’s a jerk, but he got me to thinking anyway. Even with your watchdog here tailing me, it was cool flying back and forth to Malibu while mortals were fighting traffic down below me.”

  “Yes, Valdez and I need to discuss that later. But you met Chip?” Jerry was up and pacing the way he did when he had a lot on his mind.

  “At the party tonight. He owns Ray’s recording company. I didn’t tell him I’d been to two of his houses.” I smiled at Ray. “Chip’s into real estate. Jerry showed me two of Chip’s fabulous houses he’s got for sale. One near the beach and one in the Hollywood Hills.”

  Ray frowned, quickly figuring out why Jerry had taken me to a vacant house. “Interesting. Guess if I decide to stay in town, I’ll know who to call for a place to live.”

  “You really think MacDonald will make this drug for vampires safe to use?” Jerry stopped next to me, his hand on my shoulder.

  “I don’t know. But, Jerry, he’s not plotting ways to kill Campbells. He’s a businessman. If you guys are on his radar at all, it’s because he knows the Campbells are rich. You’re his kind of clients. He’d like nothing more than to sell you some product. He sure wouldn’t let an ancient feud stand in the way of making a profit.”

  “You don’t know that for sure, Gloriana.” Jerry started pacing again. “Da is hot to go after Ian. He’s the MacDonald heir, you know.”

  “With vampires that doesn’t mean a lot, us being immortal and all. I’m sure Ian’s not worrying about leading his clan someday.” I paced right along with Jerry. “Think, Jerry. If you were right and Ian knew all along that you and I were together, then he willingly let me have the diet stuff anyway. And it didn’t kill me. It worked. Made me lose an incredible amount of weight in time for the Grammys just like I wanted.” I glanced at Ray. “Because Ray paid him big bucks.”

  “Send me the bill, Caine.” Jerry stopped and pulled me tight against him. “You’ve given me plenty to think about, Gloriana.”

  “You want the bill, you got it.” Ray stood and yawned. “Now you’d better get the hell out of here. Dawn’s only minutes away.”

  “Less than that, boss.” Valdez walked over to the balcony and tapped it with his paw. Brittany opened the door. “I don’t think you can make it back to your hotel in time.”

  “Stay here. We’re dead after dawn anyway.” I looked at Ray.

  “No way in hell.” He headed into the bedroom, pulling off his shirt as he went.

  “Come on, Ray. What can it hurt?” I followed him.

  “I’d rather not, Gloriana. Maybe there’s a vacancy in the hotel.” Jerry stayed right behind me.

  “You don’t have time to check in and arrange that. Besides, I know for a fact the place is booked solid. I heard the desk clerk on the phone when we walked through the lobby tonight.” I sighed when Ray dropped his pants.

  Jerry growled as I knew he would. “What the hell is he doing?”

  “Means nothing, Jerry. Ignore him. I do.” I slid my hand down Jerry’s chest.

  “Fine.” Jerry smiled and unbuttoned his shirt, flinging it on the chair behind him. Then he deliberately pulled off his belt and set his knife and scabbard on the nightstand. When he went to work on his jeans, Ray growled.

  “What the hell are you doing?”

  “Getting ready for bed.” Jerry grinned, dropped his jeans on the floor and stepped out of them.

  Wow, did I ever have a view. Two hunky men standing on either side of a king-size bed in nothing but their underwear. Jerry favored briefs and had worn black stretchy ones that left nothing to the imagination. Not that I needed one. I’d seen his stuff thousands of times. Yeah.

  “Glory, your mouth is open. Want us to go head-to-head?” Ray grinned. “Or will your old man there be exposing his shortcomings?”

  “By God!” Jerry roared.

  “Ray, behave. I’m sleeping in the middle. Vampires have to stick together and this is an emergency. No one will be naked.”

  I grabbed my gown from a drawer and ran into the bathroom.

  The silence coming from the bedroom was deafening. I quickly brushed my teeth, washed my face, then decided to slap on some makeup again since I was sleeping with two hot guys. I emerged in my floor-length, totally unsexy gown and saw Ray in his usual spot on the bed. Jerry stood on the other side, glaring at Ray.

  “This is not going to work, Gloriana.” Jerry snarled when Ray patted the spot next to him.

  “Cuddle up next to me, baby.” Ray grinned at Jerry. “Blade, why don’t you just lay on the floor. Dead men don’t care where they lie, do they?”

  “Now, Ray, be nice. Jerry can sleep
on my other side.” I picked up my bottle of supplement and opened it.

  “What the hell is that you’re drinking?” Jerry made a grab for it.

  I skipped out of reach. “I have to lose the pounds I gained yesterday. This will take care of it. Don’t mess with me, Jerry. This is important. I know which dress I want to wear and I won’t fit into it otherwise.” I quickly drained the bottle.

  “Valdez!” Jerry shouted and I jumped.

  “Sir?” Valdez appeared in the open doorway.

  “I want this door locked. But if Gloriana somehow does her day walking and gets out of here, make sure she doesn’t harm herself. Got it?”

  “Got it.” Valdez looked at me. “Did you drink some more of Ian’s shit?”

  “Yes. And don’t give me a hard time about it. It’s too late. Done deal. Now, do as Jerry said. I’m counting on you. And I’ll take care of the door.” I walked over and shut the door myself, then turned the lock.

  I didn’t feel the dawn coming but I could tell that both men were just about out for the count. So I pretended that I was conking out too. I yawned and stretched, gratified that both watched my chest rise and fall. Then I crawled into bed, leaving a few inches between me and Ray. Jerry climbed in beside me, making a big deal out of taking me in his arms. In moments, both he and Ray were goners.

  I slipped out of Jerry’s arms and lay there, staring at the ceiling and waiting for Ian’s death sleep to come. I’d left the bathroom door open and could see the lightening sky around the edges of the curtains again. Magic. This time I was going to appreciate it. I crept out of bed, though I could have ridden an elephant out of there with accompanying trumpets and the guys wouldn’t have heard it. I walked into the bathroom and carefully raised the edge of the curtain.

  There it was. The pinks, pale blues and yellows of the dawn. For the first time in over four hundred years I saw the beginning of a new day. I leaned against the marble counter and wept. Silly, but I cried for my lost mortality. I’d given up so many things for love. For the first time I realized I might be able to get at least one of them back.