Cowboy Wisdom
Page 6
It’s an awful good feeling to feel that you are the only man in a town of three thousand people whose liver don’t kick the breath out of him every time a stranger comes along and takes a good look at the bridge of your nose.
—SAMUEL STOREY in To the Gold Land 1889
Some woman is always found to be an accomplice in all such scrapes, and we think they ought to be banished from the community.
—The Daily Monitor Fort Scott, Kansas reporting an 1872 suicide
A large, broad-shouldered, bulldog head, short-haired man, is wanted immediately at this office, to serve as fighting editor for the Sentinel. Applicants will please send weight—whether light or heavy—also the number of men he has “chawed up.” Terms—half the profits.
—Want ad in the Yuma Sentinel October 5, 1872
A COWBOY JOKE
Two cowpokes had punched cattle together for years, and one time they were out on a long haul. Each day, the two men would get up, ride off in different directions to corral the herd, and at the end of the day’s trek, they’d cook dinner and go to sleep. Day after day this continued. One night as they were about to fall off to sleep they heard a bellowing noise coming from the cattle.
“Bull,” said the first one.
“Sounds like a steer to me,” said the other.
The next day, the two men delivered the cattle to their destination and the first cowboy saddled up his horse to depart.
“Leaving?” asked the other cowboy.
“Yep,” said the first. “Too much damned argument.”
—ANONYMOUS
7
TROUBLE
They’ll have to shoot me first to take my gun.
—ROY ROGERS
If they start takin’ away guns, they’re gonna have to back me up against a wall and that’s no lie.
—CURT TAYLOR Blue Creek Ranch, Wyoming 1975
When old age really gets its rope onto you, you can shift to a .38, then to a .32, an’ fall back on a single-shot .22. If yo’re still alive after that, an’ gettin’ weaker, I’ll buy you one of them silver-plated air rifles.
—HOPALONG CASSIDY
Shoot ’em up Joe.
Run for sheriff 1872.
Run from sheriff 1876
Buried 1876.
—Boot Hill epitaph Dodge City, Kansas
GALLOWS HUMOR
Every man for his principles. Hurrah for Jeff Davis. Let ’er go, men!
—BOONE HELM Virginia City, Nevada
Can’t you hurry this up a bit? I hear they eat dinner in Hades at twelve sharp. I don’t aim to be late.
—BLACK JACK KETCHUM Clayton, New Mexico
Gentlemen, I am not used to this business, having never been hung before. Do I jump off or slide off?
—GEORGE SHEARS Location unknown
CORONER’S VERDICTS
I declare this gent met his death at the hands of a doggoned good pistol shot.
—JUDGE ROY BEAN Langtry, Texas 1893
The body was rich in lead but too badly punctured to hold whiskey.
—Provenance unknown quoted by W. N. Burns, Tombstone
This man came to his death by suicide. He tried to shoot to death at the distance of a hundred and fifty yards a man armed with a Winchester rifle.
—quoted by MODY C. BOATWRIGHT 1946
There’s always retribution for your deeds.
—CLINT EASTWOOD Carmel, California 1973
First time I took this Outlaw Trail I was seven or eight. Helped push a bunch of cows through here, up the steep section from the Dirty Devil on over to Moab ’cross Dead Man Point and Horseshoe Canyon. Used to drive livestock all over here. Brought ’em down from Green River over from Hanksville and then south to New Mexico. In the old days people were tougher. Why, the people that lived over in Hanksville had to ride horses seventy-five miles to Green River to get the only doctor in the area. By the time you got there you was either dead or well. Undertaker did a hell of a lot of business.
—ARTHUR EKKER Ekker Ranch, Utah 1975
I’ve labored long and hard for bread,
For honor and for riches,
But on my corns too long you’ve tred
You fine-haired sons of bitches.
—BLACK BART “THE PO 8” southern California c. 1880
That boy can handle a pistol faster than a frog can lick flies.
—ANONYMOUS COWPOKE on seeing John Wesley Hardin shoot five men who were firing at him Abilene, Kansas 1871
As I was leaving Horse Creek one day a party of Indians “jumped me” in a sand ravine about a mile west of the station. They fired at me repeatedly, but missed their mark. I was mounted on a roan California horse—the fleetest steed I had, and laying flat on his back, I kept straight on for Sweetwater Bridge—eleven miles distant—instead of trying to turn back to Horse Creek. The Indians came on in hot pursuit, but my horse soon got away from them, and ran into the station two miles ahead of them. The stocktender had been killed there that morning, and all the stock had been driven off by Indians, and as I was therefore unable to change horses, I continued on to Ploutz’s Station—twelve miles further—thus making twenty-four miles straight run with one horse.
—BUFFALO BILL CODY on his Pony Express experiences Independence Rock, Wyoming 1860
I ain’t got no recollection of it.
—KIT CARSON on seeing his picture on the cover of a dime novel killing seven Indians with one hand while holding a greatly relieved maiden with the other c. 1870
Bat’s gun-hand was in working order, so I made him deputy. He patrolled Front Street with a walking-stick for several weeks and used his cane to crack the heads of several wild men hunting trouble; even as a cripple he was a first-class peace officer.
—WYATT EARP on Bat Masterson Dodge City, Kansas 1876
HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR FAST-DRAW
There is no use to hang a gun low unless it is held firmly to a position where the arm and hand can, by practice, learn to find it instantly. A sagging belt or any other arrangement that allows the gun pocket to swing or flap or twist will confuse the drawing.
—COTEAU GENE STEBBINGS Texas panhandle c. 1920
A pair of six-shooters beats a pair of sixes.
—BELLE STARR Dodge City, Kansas 1877
Sitting by the table, I noticed that Wild Bill Hickok seemed sleepy and inattentive. So I kept a close watch on the other fellows. Presently I observed that one of his opponents was occasionally dropping a card in his hat, which he held in his lap, until a number of cards had been laid away for future use in the game. The pot had gone around several times and was steadily raised by some of the players, Bill staying right along, though he still seemed to be drowsy. The bets kept rising. At last the man with the hat full of cards picked a hand out of his reserves, put the hat on his head, and raised Bill two hundred dollars. Bill came back with a raise of two hundred, and as the other covered it he quietly shoved a pistol into his face and observed, “I’m calling the hand that’s in your hat.”
—BUFFALO BILL CODY Deadwood, South Dakota 1876
Now, in regard to the position of Bill’s body, when they unlocked the door for me to get to his body, he was lying on his side, with his knees drawn up just as he slid off his stool. We had no chairs in those days—and his fingers were still crimped from holding his poker hand. Charlie Rich, who sat beside him, said he never saw a muscle move. Bill’s hand read aces and eights—two pair, and since that day aces and eights have been known as “the dead man’s hand” in the Western country.
—DOC PIERCE, undertaker Deadwood, South Dakota 1876
Judge Three-Legged Willie came into Shelby County and opened his court by tipping a flour barrel on its end and calling for the culprits. One local stepped forward and said the county didn’t have no need of a judge and a court. The old judge demanded, “By what legal authority do you over-rule this court?” The fellow grinned and drove a bowie knife into the top of the flour barrel, saying, “This, sir, is the law of Shelby County.�
� And before that knife could commence to quivering, the judge pulled out a long-barreled pistol and laid it on the barrel top. “If that’s the law of Shelby County,” he said, “then this here’s the constitution.”
—ANONYMOUS
VIGILANTES AROUND!!!
NO MORE MURDERS!!!
Behold the fate of this man. The same terrible end awaits all murderers.
Life and the public security is too sacred not to be protected, even by a resort to the unpleasant means of Lynch Law
TAKE WARNING! TAKE WARNING!
Else, ye murderers, the fate that this brute Schramie has met with awaits you.
By Order of Committee of Vigilantes.
—Notice tacked to a tree from which a murderer had been hung near Denver, Colorado
8
COWS
They shore ain’t pretty and they don’t smell good but there is somethin ’bout a cow that makes the man that owns one feel like he’s got money in his purse.
—SPIN LUCETTE Jenkins, California 1869
A slice of cow is worth 8 cents in the cow, 14 cents in the hands of packers, and $2.50 in a restaurant that specializes in atmosphere.
—JOE M. EVANS EI Paso, Texas 1939
Here’s all you need to know about cows: They’re not smart, they’re bigger than you are, and some of them have absolutely no respect for human beings.
—TERRY HALL Hastings, Nebraska 1993
Nearly all I know I have learned from a cow or in a cow camp. You’d be surprised just how much you can learn from a cow. The cow can teach you some very valuable lessons. Cows are regular in their habits, they go to the same place on the range to graze, they want to drink from the same place in a water trough, they are the best civil engineers you can find, and they can pick out the best possible grade to climb a mountain. A cow trail is always the best way to get out of a deep canyon. Follow a cow trail and you will come to water, or you will find the way out of a rough country if you are lost.
—DREW RUSH Casper, Wyoming 1882
MAKING YOUR MARK
You put your brand on the hip and let him run, but of course there was much to it before you got that simple work done. First, you had to rope him. Sometimes, that took a whole team of men, for steers get bigger every day and you get older at the same rate. Some wild boy was always in a hurry to be the one that put the brand on, but one time around with a crazy steer gone mad from the hurt of it was usually enough. You had to stay on the boys, especially if they got the iron too hot—a small glow was enough, for more would make a messy mark and burn the hair off the steer.
—LEROY LENNOX Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 1951
Grown cattle have a thick hide, but in branding calves, care must be exercised not to rock the corners of the iron, and burn through, but carefully burn a brand “cherry red,” but not too deep. The burning faces of the branding irons were usually supposed to be oval, to avoid this burning through.
—CHARLES CAMP Long Beach, California 1928
While it is easy to brand a calf, one has to keep a sharp lookout on its mother. As soon as she hears the cry of her young she will come at you like an express torrent.
—CAPTAIN GEORGE ASH London, England 1923
COWS & MOTHERHOOD
The only practical knowledge I have gained in ranching is that a cow will have a calf.
—GEORGE LITTLEFIELD Austin, Texas c. 1875
If you teach a calf to lead, the old cow will follow.
—ANONYMOUS Wichita, Kansas c. 1880
Don’t ever get between a calf and its mother—if she’s a good mother, she’s gonna charge you.
—FELIX ZUCKER Pinole, California 1993
Never cower around a calving cow. Walk tall and know where you’re going—and never, ever look down at your boots. You can clean them off later.
—DAVY BUSTER Burr Oak, Kansas 1955
We put a bell on an old cow for a leader, and when a yearling got lost from the herd, and came within hearing of that bell, it generally came back to the herd.
—JOHN JAMES HAYNES San Antonio, Texas 1920
CORRALING CATTLE
The uninitiated will probably be interested in knowing just how. Corrals, as we termed them, were built, when material was not so plentiful as now. The material was largely post oak rails, which we had cut and hauled by ox teams about five miles from the timbered county of Caldwell County. The posts were of fine cedar timber obtained from old Mountain City in Hays County. These corrals had to be much higher than the ordinary fence, as the infuriated Longhorns would, in their desperation to be free, try to go over the top or break them down. Once the material was on the ground, we dug deep, wide holes, about seven feet apart, and in these we placed two of the cedar posts in such juxtaposition as to hold the long rails which we piled one on top of the other until they reached the top of the high posts. That being done, some of the old-timers bound the ends of the posts together with wire or stout strips of rawhide, but at about the time of which I write we began to bind them with smooth wire. The subdivisions spoken of above were divided into branding pens and horse corrals.
—G.W. MILLS Lockhart, Texas 1922
COW MUSIC
Sounds, like hogwash today, but a man who couldn’t sing to calm a nervous cow wasn’t enough cowboy to hold the job. At night, cattle get nervous, and anything could make them jump up and start, so you wanted a man with a voice good for keeping them quiet.
—JIMMY KENNEDY Belfast, Texas 1916
WHAT TO SING TO A COW
I’m up in the mornin’ before daylight
And before I sleep, the moon shines bright.
No chaps and no slicker, and it’s pourin’ down rain,
And I swear, by God, that I’ll not night-herd again.
Oh, it’s bacon and beans every day;
I’d rather be catin’ prairie hay.
I went to the boss to draw my roll;
He told me I was still nine dollars in the hole.
I’ll sell my horse and I’ll sell my saddle,
And you can go to hell with your Longhorn cattle.
—“Old Chisholm Trail” Traditional c. 1870
Talkin’ about music.… I used to own a saxophone, but traded it off for a cow. Made about the same noise and gave milk besides.
—ANONYMOUS
HOW TO FIGURE A COW’S AGE
Range cattle with horns: In the cow’s second year, the horns start a second growth and a small ring is seen encircling the horn. A second ring appears during the third year. These two grooves around the horn disappear as the animal becomes older. From three years on, the growth of the horns is marked by a groove that is much deeper. These rings provide an accurate basis for estimating the age of the animal. After the animal is three years old, the outer part of the horn plus the first ring are counted as representing three years, and each subsequent ring toward the base of the horn is counted as representing one year.
Polled (hornless) stock: A cow has temporary teeth for the first eighteen months or so. At two years of age, the cow will show two permanent center pinchers. At three years, two more permanent teeth form, and at four, two more. At five, the cow has reached maturity and all eight teeth on the lower jaw (cattle have teeth only on the lower jaw) will be large, permanent ones. After six years, the arch or curve of the teeth gradually loses its rounded contour and it becomes nearly straight by the twelfth year. In the meantime, the teeth have become triangular in shape and distinctly separated, showing a progressive wearing down to stubs.
—FAY WARD Norfolk, Nebraska 1958
It is difficult to believe it, but in times of drouth [cows] actually eat cactus. But they do not eat the cactus because they like it. Every spine and tiny sticker, besides being barbed, is tipped with a poisonous venom as painful as the sting of a wasp. It makes a wound that swells and throbs and is slow to heal, but the cattle have to endure it. After breaking through the outer defenses of a tree-cactus, they eat it out from behind, then lie down with their noses stuck full of
spiny joints and chew their cud complacently. The inside of their mouths becomes as tough as India rubber, and if they can get enough water to dilute the bitter juice they will live on cactus a long time.
—DANE COOLIDGE Berkeley, California 1938
EXPRESS COWS
We had a stampede in the territory while Noah Ellis and myself were on herd together. In the run that followed my horse fell with me, and I thought the steers would run over me. But I soon learned that steers will not run over a man when he is down underfoot. They will run all around a fellow, but I have yet to hear of a man being run over by them.
—DICK WITHERS Boyles, Montana c. 1920
One of the slickest things I ever saw in my life was a cowboy stopping a cattle stampede. A herd of about six or eight hundred head got frightened at something and broke away pell-mell with their tails in the air and bulls at the head of the procession. But Mr. Cowboy didn’t get excited at all when he saw the herd was going straight for a high bluff, where they would certainly tumble down into the cañon and be killed. You know that when a herd like that gets to going it can’t stop, no matter whether the cattle rush to death or not. Those in the rear crowd those ahead, and away they go. But the cowboy spurred up his mustang, made a little detour, came in right in front of the herd, cut across their path at a right angle and then galloped leisurely on the edge of the bluff, halted, and looked around at that wild mass of beef coming right toward him. He was as cool as a cucumber, though I expected to see him killed, and was so excited I could not speak.