The Secrets Between Us

by Thrity Umrigar

  “I will carry you upon my shoulders, my son

  And climb the tallest mountain

  So you can behold all the fruit

  Of our alive and green valley.”

  “Wah,” Rajeev exclaims. “These words have captured what’s in my heart, mausi.” But then his face grows thoughtful. “How you are knowing this poetry-foetry?”

  Parvati’s skin prickles and she regrets letting her guard down. She dismisses his question brusquely. “Everybody knows.”

  Rajeev lowers his eyes. “I am an uneducated man,” he says. “I cannot even sign my own name.”

  “Sometimes it is better to not even know your own name.” She watches as Rajeev’s eyes widen at the bitterness in her voice, and is surprised herself. She clamps her mouth shut. She is a cheap woman, bought for the price of a cup of tea. But that is all. She will say no more to this stranger sitting across from her.

  As if he has sensed her regret, Rajeev rises to his feet. “Good day, mausi,” he says. “Tomorrow I bring the balm for you.”

  “Don’t trouble yourself,” she says stiffly, knowing the source of her pain is not a backache.

  “No trouble.” He smiles and walks away. She follows him with her eyes, watches him kneel and set his basket down to be filled up by the servant of one of the memsahibs from a nearby building. Even from a distance, she can sense the twinge in his back, the pain in his shoulder blades as he straightens up and lifts the basket, balancing it perfectly on his head, holding it in place with barely the tip of his forefinger.

  She had not realized that her troubling the thing growing at the base of her spine was so obvious for all to see. She makes a concerted effort to keep her right hand in front of her. At least it’s not cancer. This much she knows. Thirty years ago, when the pomegranate seed on her throat had begun to swell and grow, she had been to the doctor and was told it was not cancerous. She knows that its twin, born thirty years apart, will not be cancerous either. But this one is painful because of its location, and sitting all day on the hard pavement does not help.

  One of her regular customers stops by and purchases one of the cauliflowers without exchanging barely a word. After he is gone, while she is commanding herself not to let her hand wander to her back, her hand wanders to her back.

  Interstitial

  One year later . . .

  3

  It is almost four in the evening by the time Bhima reaches Sunitabai’s home. She is late—Mrs. Motorcylewalla, the old lady whose house she cleans each day, had delayed her with her demands that she pay her respects to the prophet Zoroaster before she could leave. When Bhima had swallowed her apprehension and contacted her former employer a year ago, she had hoped that the old lady’s mental state had improved, but if anything, her eccentricities had only increased in the intervening years. Last week, for instance, Mrs. Motorcyclewalla would not allow her to use any electricity in the house. Bhima even had to heat the woman’s bathwater on the stove because she refused to turn on the electric water heater. She had almost quit that week, her usual irritation at the woman’s craziness hardening into rage at the extra work. Now, as she climbs up the four flights of stairs, Bhima thanks God that her second client of the day is hardly ever at home when she arrives. And even when she is, she keeps out of the way, working on her computer while Bhima cleans and prepares her evening meal. Sunitabai has explained to her that she writes for the newspaper—the same newspaper Serabai used to read every morning—and she is often away on business for days at a time. Bhima knows to ring the doorbell of the apartment next door to ask for the key to let her in.

  But today, when Vimal Das, the neighbor woman who keeps the key to Sunitabai’s apartment, answers the door, she has a funny look on her face. “No need for the key,” she says. “Her friend is there. You just ring the doorbell.” There is a strange emphasis on the word friend, followed by a smirk and a look that Bhima can’t decipher.

  “Sunitabai is home?” she asks.

  “No. But the friend moved in over the weekend.” Vimal glares at the door of Sunita’s apartment. “This used to be a decent building.”

  Bhima looks at Vimal sharply as she understands the situation. “The guest is a man?” she says.

  Vimal laughs. “Ha. Good one. You could say that, I suppose.” Before Bhima can react, she gestures toward the door. “Go. See for yourself. What the world has come to.”

  Bhima’s hand is shaking as she knocks on the door. She will not be alone in the house with a strange man, she resolves. When he answers, she will tell him to please inform Sunitabai that she can no longer work for her.

  The door flies open and Bhima gapes. The long-haired woman with the wide smile on her face is not a man at all. Bhima looks back in confusion at Vimal’s apartment, but Vimal’s door had clicked shut as soon as this one was opened. “Hi,” the woman says. “Are you the cook?” Her manner of speaking is different somehow, so that even though she is speaking Hindi, Bhima has a hard time understanding her.

  The woman walks into the hallway with the door still ajar, as if she is expecting Bhima to follow. Still trying to reconcile the sinister tone of the neighbor with the innocuous, even friendly manner of the woman, Bhima shuts the door behind her. And gasps. She has been away for only two days, but the apartment is transformed. There are paintings on the formerly bare walls of the living room and two new chairs. Sunitabai’s old rocking chair has been moved out to the small balcony; in its place is a wooden contraption holding a half-finished painting of a woman cradling her child. Something about the woman’s posture, the bleak isolation of it, strikes a responsive chord within Bhima.

  “It looks totally different, right?” The young woman turns around and smiles. “My name is Chitra, by the way. And I already have eaten your bhindi and mutton cutlets. They were fantastic.” She makes a thumbs-up gesture for emphasis.

  Bhima feels her face flushing at the compliment. Dinaz baby used to praise her cooking, also. As did Serabai, but only to her friends, within Bhima’s earshot. Never directly to her.

  She must’ve had a peculiar look on her face because Chitra is looking at her curiously. “Did I say something wrong, didi?”

  Bhima blinks, tucking away the past and focusing on the young woman who stands watching her. Didi. The memsahib had called her didi, or older sister, as if they were equals, as if she was not a poor, ignorant woman from the slums. Something opens up in her heart, a flower that blooms, but she crushes it immediately. “My name is Bhima,” she says curtly. “You can just call me that, memsahib.”

  To her surprise, the younger woman looks stricken, as if Bhima’s gruff words have landed like a slap. Her mouth twists into a bitter line. “I see. So the neighbors have already poisoned the well.” She turns away and then looks back. “Well, I’ll leave you to your chores.”

  And suddenly Bhima gets it—the strange accent, the familiar use of the word didi, the offense taken at Bhima’s words, which were meant to convey her unworthiness but which Chitra mistook for an insult. Of course. The woman has come to them from a foreign land. She was not one of those poor, white-skinned firangis that she used to see when she and Serabai went shopping at Colaba, those impoverished people with their long hair and faded or torn jeans, which always made Bhima feel sorry for them, even though Serabai had tried explaining that this was fashion, not poverty. But despite her dark skin, she was a foreigner, unused to Indian customs. This is why Vimalbai had spoken about her so dismissively. She wants to explain some of this to Chitra, but the woman has already moved into the bedroom.

  Shaking her head, Bhima makes her way to the kitchen to perform her first chore—washing the dishes that Sunitabai has left for her overnight. It is her least favorite chore because often, Sunita forgets to rinse those dishes and Bhima must spend the time scraping dried-up food from the bowls and plates before she can wash them. Bhima is fond of Sunita, thinks of her as a young child with her mop of short, curly hair, and the jeans and cotton kurtas she almost always wears. And on th
e rare occasion that Sunita comes home before Bhima finishes cooking her dinner, she can see the fatigue in that small, sallow face with the oversized glasses. Sunita is always unfailingly polite to her, and best of all, she respects Bhima’s solitude, so unlike the querulous presence of Mrs. Motorcyclewalla, who hovers over her and counts the number of shrimp in her curry to make sure that Bhima hasn’t popped one in her mouth when her back is turned. But still, sometimes her stomach turns at the sight of those dishes and she feels a spurt of anger at the thoughtlessness of the rich, which, of course, immediately makes her think her conflicted thoughts about the Dubash family.

  Now, Bhima enters the kitchen and stops dead. The sink is spotless. And empty. The dishes have been all put away. Bhima frowns, knowing immediately that it is the foreign woman who has taken away her job. She feels a moment’s alarm at the thought of being fired, of depending for her income solely on the whims and unpredictability of Mrs. Motorcyclewalla. She marches up to the bedroom, where Chitra sits on an armchair, reading. “The plates,” Bhima splutters. “The dishes . . .”

  Chitra looks up from her book. “Oh yes. I did them. Less work for you today, Bhima.”

  Bhima closes her eyes for a split second, fearful of this new threat that has entered her life. How to make this stupid girl understand that what she thinks of as thoughtfulness is thoughtlessness? She hesitates, not trusting herself to speak, and when she does, she does so loudly and slowly, as if speaking to a very young child. “Chitrabai,” she says. “You are my memsahib’s guest. This is my job, bai. Sunitabai likes dishes to be cleaned one way, only. You please just take rest and don’t take tension on your head. Leave the cleaning-fleaning to me.”

  To her indignation, Chitra laughs. “Ha. That’s a joke. Sunita likes her plates to be cleaned in a certain way? She’s such a pig she would barely notice the difference.”

  Even though she has been working for Sunita for less than a year, Bhima bristles. “Sunitabai is very smart,” she says, tapping her forehead. “She not saying much, but she sees everything. Do you see how big her ears are? That is the sign of cleverness.”

  Chitra smiles even more deeply. “Wait till I tell Su that she has big ears. She’ll love that.”

  Bhima feels her eyes well with tears of frustration. Is this girl as soft in the head as Mrs. Motorcyclewalla? If not, why does she twist everything that she is saying? Ae, Bhagwan, she prays. Let this chokri leave for her foreign place soon. Two softies-in-the-head I cannot handle.

  She is about to leave the room when Chitra rises to her feet, takes a step toward Bhima, and then sits at the edge of the bed. “Bhima,” she says, patting the bed. “Come sit here. What’s the problem?”

  Bhima takes an involuntary step back. This girl is crazy, she is now sure. Even Dinaz baby never asked her to sit on her bed. At least Dinaz was just a child when she used to squat on the floor to eat next to her. By the time she was an adult, Dinaz had learned how to respect the rules. Bhima knows that this is a new jamana, a new age, where many young people act as if they have invented the world. But still, she is shocked. People like her are meant to live in one square, whereas educated, rich people like Chitrabai were born to occupy another one. This is the truth, a natural law. And yet, here she is, patting the bed for her to sit, as if they are two old friends sitting under a mango tree, exchanging giggles and gossip.

  Or maybe it is a test. Something to complain to Sunitabai about when she gets home. Look how she has already twisted her compliment about Sunita’s intelligence into an insult. This woman is trying to get her fired for sure. But why?

  There was a time, Bhima thinks, that this pretty-looking woman could’ve tricked her. But no more. And so Bhima continues to stand. “No problem, bai,” she says evenly. “I am just wanting to do my work.” The two women look at each other for a moment and then Bhima adds, “And Sunitabai is not a pig. She is just busy. Important job she is having.”

  Chitra smiles, and feeling emboldened by that smile, Bhima asks, “What job you are doing?”

  “I’m an artist. I paint.” She points to a picture above the bed. “That’s one of mine.”

  Bhima nods, pretending to understand. Once again, this woman has confused her. She wants to find out how Chitra earns money. Instead, she has been told that the woman draws pictures, like her daughter, Pooja, used to when she was little. She bites the inside of her lip. This woman’s head is an empty pot, and she has nothing to do but sit and read a book in the middle of the day. But she herself is already behind on the day’s chores. Bhima spins around abruptly to exit the room and as she does her hip pops so loudly that Chitra’s eyes widen with concern. “With your leave,” Bhima says and hurries away into the kitchen.

  Once there, Bhima opens the fridge to see what food there is. She eyes the vegetables with disapproval. She has asked Sunita to let her pick up fresh vegetables from the marketplace where she used to shop when she worked for Serabai, but the woman prefers to buy the expensive produce from the vendor who comes to her door each morning. Well, let her waste her money if she so chooses.

  She has put the daal to cook and is chopping potatoes when Chitra wanders into the room. “Here, I’ll chop the onions for you,” she says casually, pulling the knife from the rack before the older woman can answer. She stands next to Bhima in order to share the same chopping board. Bhima stiffens, both in disapproval and in awareness of the sour smell of her late-afternoon sweat. But nothing to do except stand here and let this crazy girl work in this small kitchen when she could be resting in the bedroom. Her wish.

  They work in silence for a few minutes, their chopping falling into a synchronized rhythm. Despite herself, Bhima finds her body relaxing in Chitra’s silent company. She doesn’t think about it often, but it comes to her now, how lonely she is. Other than Maya she has no steady presence in her life. And now that her granddaughter is back in college, they only spend a few hours together in the evening before each of them falls into a heavy sleep. This is what she misses about working for the Dubash household—Viraf’s whistling in the shower, his friendly jostling of her, Dinaz’s frantic rushing around as she got ready for work, Sera’s companionship as the two women sat down to a cup of tea in the suddenly-silent house after Viraf and Dinaz had left for work. Bhima feels a spasm in her heart as she remembers that there is now another member in that house, a baby she would have fussed over, would’ve helped clean and bathe, whose first steps she would’ve witnessed with joy, on whose first birthday she would’ve brought in some homemade sweets, if only . . . She leans heavily on the edge of the kitchen counter for a minute, trying to forget the ignobility of her fall.

  “Are you all right, didi?” Chitra asks, and Bhima nods, unable to talk, noticing the use of the familial didi, but not caring to correct her. Let them all call her by whatever name they wanted, what did it matter? Her husband had called her jaan, life itself, but then he’d snuck out of their house like a thief, stealing away her precious son. Her son himself had called her Ma, but he had gotten married and not thought of inviting her to the wedding. Her daughter, Pooja, had called her Ma, too, but she too was gone, preferring to join her husband in death than to stay with her unfortunate mother. Serabai had called her “my Bhima” but had left her behind like a handkerchief one forgot on the train. They were words, just words, and she had heard a million of them in her time spoken in love or in anger, it didn’t matter, because eventually all love turned into anger. So let this crazy girl call her older sister. Nobody in this world would ever be stupid enough to believe her.

  Now Chitra is reaching for a glass and pouring her ice water from the fridge and urging her to drink it and Bhima feels her eyes sting at this gesture of kindness, even as she registers the great offense that Chitra has committed. “I have my own glass with me, bai,” she says, pointing to the small cloth pouch that holds her stainless steel mug and her plate. “I will pour into that.”

  For the first time, Chitra frowns. “What’s wrong with this glass?” she says.


  Bhima clucks her tongue impatiently. She doesn’t have the time today to educate this girl in basic manners. “This is India, bai,” she says. “Servants don’t drink from their mistress’s cups.”

  Chitra scoops the chopped onions into a small bowl. “I know this is India, Bhima,” she says. “I’ve lived here most of my life. I was in Australia for only nine years. It’s one of the reasons I left Delhi—these stupid customs.”

  Bhima lowers her head. “These are our customs,” she says. “We must respect them.”

  Chitra’s thick hair flies from one side to another as she shakes her head vehemently. “No. No, we mustn’t. They are wrong. And it is wrong to perpetuate an unjust system.”

  Bhima begins to laugh. She only stops when she sees that she has offended Chitra. “Please to forgive, bai,” she says. “Your words reminded me of someone I used to work for. She spoke exact-exact like you. Except she was a little girl.” The last line comes out more plaintive than she intends.

  Chitra gives her a long look. “So Sunita makes you drink out of your own glass?”

  “Why khali-pili you blame Sunitabai? She just does what all others do.”

  “Fair enough.” Chitra nods. Then, “What is your salary here?”

  Bhima falls silent, unsure of how to answer such a rude question. All she wants to do is cook the meal and hurry home to start her own dinner. She is too tired to figure out what game this memsahib is playing. “You please ask Sunitabai,” she says finally. “She tell me not to tell the guest anything.” It is not a complete untruth—on the day that Sunita had hired her, she had told her that she was a private person and that if any of her neighbors wanted to know the news they could watch Sky TV. Bhima had nodded appreciatively.

  But Chitra has one more surprise for her. “Well, I’m not exactly a guest, Bhima,” she says. “I’m living here now.”

  Bhima almost drops the jar of garam masala she has reached for. “Sunitabai never say,” she murmurs.