My Hope Is Found

by Joanne Bischof

  Large brown eyes captured hers. “He’s like his mother.”

  She shook her head and blurted out the first response that came to mind. “He’s like his father.” Her mouth parted with a small gasp.

  Toby’s gaze wavered.

  “I’m sorry. I mean—”

  He held up a large hand, his face soft. “I know what you mean.” Stepping closer, he crouched in front of her. “Please don’t feel bad. It’s who Jacob is … and I love the lad for it.”

  A tangle of emotions filled her heart.

  “Do you believe me?”

  The answer came easy. Honestly. “I do.”

  He let out his breath as if he’d been holding it. “That wee one means so much to me. I hope you know that.”

  “Thank you.” She pressed her hands to her cheeks, wishing they didn’t tremble so, and tried not to think of Gideon. She fought it with every ounce of her strength. Yet she failed. Miserably.

  “Lonnie, there’s something I want to ask you.” Moistening his lips, Toby reached for her hand, his fingers surprisingly warm.

  “Wait!” she blurted.

  He straightened, her hand still resting safely in his.

  “I don’t think you want to do this.” She slammed her eyes closed. “Toby.” A slow breath in and she let it out. “You deserve better than me. You deserve someone who’s known only your love.” Would he understand what she was saying? “If you only knew how many ladies have their hopes set on you. Girls who haven’t been through the mess that I have. If you knew”—she tipped her head to the side—“if you knew the shadows I fight against, I think you’d change your mind.”

  “I’m afraid that’s not possible.”

  Lonnie felt him move, and when he took both her hands in his, she finally opened her eyes. He was before her. Kneeling. Mud staining his pants. His face was earnest with unhidden longing.

  Her heart dipped when he looked at her like that, and her fingers were warming inside his. Everything inside her, every part of her heart, mind, and soul, the parts that made up who she was, battled. “May I say one more thing?”

  “Whatever you need.” He lowered his face until his forehead rested against the back of her hand, and the tender sensation sent a bolt of lightning through her arm. Her heart tripped.

  “I’m Jacob’s mother. That’s all you know of me. But I used to be … I used to be Gideon’s wife. And that did not change because I wanted it to.”

  His shoulders rose and fell.

  “It had to. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  He nodded, his head still bowed. “You’re saying you still love him.” His words muffled between their interlocked hands.

  “Toby.” Freeing one hand, she touched his cheek. “I won’t lie to you. In many ways, I do.” She touched her fingers to the bodice of her blouse. “But little by little, God is taking hold of those feelings, healing what’s broken, tending to changes still to come. It’s a journey, and it has been anything but easy. I just don’t know how long I still have to go, before I’m wholly … wholly yours. But I want to trust that that day can come. I want that day to come. I want to be yours.”

  His eyelids nearly slid closed.

  “But it will take time.”

  “Oh, Lonnie.”

  Despite her resolve, a tear puddled and fell.

  “Will you let me?” He started to reach for her hand.

  Her chest burned with a swell of all that had passed and all that could be. She nodded.

  With soft movements, Toby lifted her hand and kissed her fingers.

  She blinked away more tears.

  “Lonnie?” His voice was soft, the thick accent chasing a world of sorrows away. “Will ye do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

  For an instant, her heart searched. It searched the hidden places inside her. The places that clung to Gideon’s memory. His love. And like sand over a river rock, the jagged pieces of her hope were being rubbed smooth. Healing was being found. And Toby’s dark, earnest eyes all but pulled the answer to her lips. “I will.”

  Sixteen

  Elsie kissed her on both cheeks. Jebediah hugged her tightly, and Addie jumped up and down, clapping her little hands. Lonnie smiled, sharing in their joy.

  “He is a good man,” Elsie whispered in her ear when she enveloped her in another hug. “This calls for a celebration.” Elsie nabbed her apron from its hook and flung the laces around thick hips. “Toby, you must stay for supper now.”

  Lonnie rinsed her hands in the washtub and shook suds from her fingers before reaching for the towel. Toby draped his coat over a chair. Returning to Lonnie’s side, he stood closer than he ever had, and she felt his warmth coming through his shirt. When Jacob’s cries sounded from above, Addie pleaded to go and fetch him. She returned with Jacob in her arms and set him down in the center of the kitchen.

  Holding onto Toby’s pants, he pulled himself to a stand, and Toby lifted the boy into his arms. “Did you sleep good?” He tickled Jacob’s tummy with a broad hand. Jacob laughed, and when he tried to squirm away, Toby quickly nuzzled the boy’s neck, then lowered him back to the floor.

  The sight sent Lonnie’s heart fluttering. “What can I do?” she asked Elsie.

  At Elsie’s bidding, she slipped into the parlor and pulled the finest glasses from the cupboard. She carried a few to the kitchen, where she set them in place and went back for the rest. Returning, Lonnie nudged a pile of forks out of the way with her elbow.

  Addie stooped to the baby’s level and pinched her hands between her knees. Her brown curls bobbed as she bounced. “Guess what, Jacob? Toby’s gonna be your new papa!”

  A glass slipped from Lonnie’s fingers, shattering against the floor. The room fell silent. Lonnie stared at the glass. Her cheeks burned.

  Elsie clanged her wooden spoon against the pot. “Addie, why don’t you fetch the nice napkins from the cupboard in the parlor? They’re the white ones.”

  Addie nodded.

  “Count out five, please.” She guided Addie around the glass, then lifted Jacob to her hip before returning to her pot.

  Lonnie reached for a large shard, but Toby was already at her side. “I can get this,” she whispered and crouched.

  He gave her wrist a gentle squeeze, his thumb lingering. “Let me help you.”

  She fought a tremble in her chin when she glanced up at him. “I’m so sorry.”

  He shook his head, his eyes kind.

  “Elsie, I’m so sorry about your beautiful glass.”

  Spoon in hand, Elsie waved off the apology. “Accidents happen.”

  Lonnie filled her palm with the largest shards, then rose for the broom.

  “Ow!” Toby dropped the glass even as the first drop of blood fell to the floor.

  Lonnie snatched a rag from the basket and knelt beside him. She wrapped his hand and, when he winced, softened her touch. “Oh, Toby.”

  “I don’t think it’s verra bad.” He lifted the edge of the rag to peer at the cut.

  Lonnie shook her head. “You have a bad cut.” His blood had already smeared against his palm, and with her hands still wrapped around his, they stood in unison. “Sit down and let me look at it.” She gently pushed him toward the chair nearest the window.

  Running in from the parlor, Addie stood with her mouth open and watched Lonnie tear the rag into a thin strip. Elsie brought over a moist cloth. As Lonnie dabbed at the blood, Toby winced.

  “I’m sorry.” She draped the bandage around his cut with gentle hands. “Does this hurt?”

  “No,” he breathed.

  “Oh, Toby.” Addie leaned her head against his broad shoulder. “Your poor hand.”

  Toby touched his cheek to her hair. “I’ll mend. Your sister’s a good nurse.” He glanced up.

  Lonnie knotted the bandage and folded the loose ends underneath, holding his hand in both of hers when she finished. “Let’s hope so.” She wiped a smear of blood from the crease of his palm.

  “It’s better already.
” Then he made a show of feeling the bandage with his other hand. For Addie’s sake, she sensed.

  From the parlor, Jacob laughed. Lonnie spotted Jebediah reading him a story on the sofa as she cleaned up the rest of the glass.

  “Would you like to go for a little walk?” she asked Toby.

  “It’s snowing.” But his voice was laced with adventure.

  Lonnie freed her coat from the hook. “Not verra hard,” she said, attempting his accent.

  He chuckled, his dimples appearing. Toby grabbed his coat from the back of the chair. He slipped his bandaged hand slowly through the first sleeve, then shrugged it over wide shoulders. He caught the handle of the door before she could and, leaning past her, pushed it open.

  Though the snow scarcely fell, Lonnie lowered her shawl over her hair and tucked the ends beneath her coat collar. When Toby offered her his arm, she looped her hand over his elbow, savoring how safe he made her feel. A thick mass of gray clouds blocked out the sky, casting shadows over the thin layer of fog that curved through the holler.

  “Which way?” Toby asked.

  Lonnie pointed to where Gael stood tied up beneath a tree, the ground under the mare’s hooves dark where the branches above her head caught the snow. As they stepped into the yard, the snow fell feather light. Toby asked Lonnie if she’d like to go riding sometime, and Lonnie eagerly said yes.

  “Day after t’morrow?”

  “It’s a date.” Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a nub of carrot. She motioned toward Gael. “Why didn’t you take her to the barn?”

  Toby drew in a slow breath, his words hesitant. “I wasn’t sure if I’d be staying that long.”

  It struck her that he hadn’t been certain she’d say yes.

  His eyes sparkled, and he glanced at her hand. “Elsie’s stew is missing somethin’, I see.” He spoke softly to the horse and gripped Gael’s lead rope beside her neck. He brushed his hand against the mare’s hindquarters, and Gael turned for him as if she could read his mind. Toby smiled down at Lonnie. “You have a cannie way of taking things unnoticed.”

  With the carrot in her palm, Lonnie stepped closer to the horse. She held it out, and Gael’s velvet mouth nibbled. “It’s a special talent.”

  “So I see.” He patted Gael’s dark coat, and the horse sniffed his broad hand as if searching for another treat. “I have nothing for you, lass.” He glanced at Lonnie, his smile widening. “Are you trying to be her favorite?” The wind played with his dark hair.

  Upon seeing that Toby had nothing to offer her, Gael dropped her head and sniffed Lonnie’s hand, then nudged her arm.

  Toby scratched his head. “Well, you’re off to a good start.”

  She grinned, proudly. “I suppose I am. But it’s only fair since I think Jacob just about prefers you over me.”

  He let out a throaty chuckle. “It’s not my fault that I’m so much fun.” He kicked at a clump of snow, still grinning.

  “Is that what it is?”

  He shrugged smugly.

  “I think you bring him too many treats.” Narrowing her eyes, she wiped her palm on her skirt. “And I think I have the messier job.”

  “Someone’s gotta spoil ’im.”

  “Yeah, well, that’s what Jebediah’s for. Besides”—Lonnie sniffed—“that will all change soon. You won’t be the spoiler anymore.”

  Toby looked at her.

  She knew it was time to apologize. “About what happened inside, when Addie said—”

  He touched her arm and stepped closer. “Dinna be too hard on yerself. One day at a time. Please don’t be afraid that your past … your pain … will trample my joy.” His hand slid up her arm, squeezing it gently. “ ’Tis not possible. You’ve already made me the happiest man alive. As you take the steps you need to take, I’d be honored to be by your side.”

  Speechless, Lonnie tilted her head to the side and peered up at him. She did not deserve his kindness. His patience.

  “Supper’s ready!” Elsie called from the porch.

  “Come on.” His hand found the small of her back, and he gently led her forward. “It’s too cold out here without gloves.”

  Lonnie wiggled her bare fingers, teasingly. “And where might your gloves be, if I may ask?”

  “I dinna need gloves.” Toby mimicked her motion, only with more dramatic flair. “I have a bandage the size of a dishcloth.”

  She pushed against him, in no hurry to be anywhere but by his side.

  Spotting one of the Bennetts’ neighbors, Gideon waved to Mrs. Krause, and a broom stilled in the old woman’s weathered hands. As if she’d just seen a ghost, her mouth hung ajar.

  “Good to see ya.” Without slowing, he tucked his hands in his pockets as the snow picked up its speed.

  A few more farms to pass. He’d be home within the hour.

  His wet boots marched to the beat of a softly falling snow. His stomach reminded him that he hadn’t eaten since the evening before, but he was too eager to stop for it now. He tilted his face to the sky and let the icy flakes touch his skin. He blinked into the fading light of evening, but there would be no stopping to make camp this night. No, he welcomed the darkness. For it would bring him to Jebediah’s door.

  Glancing around, he savored the familiarity of these woods. He’d set traps in these woods. He’d taken Jacob for walks in these woods. Held Lonnie’s hand. Kissed her smile.

  This was his home. The place he longed to raise Jacob and love Lonnie for the rest of his life. Joy lifted his chest and quickened his pace.

  Tugging his hands from his pockets, he pressed his warm palms together, overcome with the notion that by night’s end, he’d cradle Lonnie’s face between them. It killed him to think of not being able to kiss her. He wouldn’t.

  “And what will you do?” he asked himself aloud.

  He would tell her the truth.

  His legs were weary and his feet cold, but he scarcely felt either. It was impossible to feel the pain. Not with knowing that Lonnie and Jacob were no doubt settling in for the evening. His arms tingled at the thought of holding them. He’d hold them and never let go. His daydreaming must have carried him farther than he realized, for suddenly he halted.

  The air nearly left his lungs at the sight of the Bennetts’ house. Candlelight flickered in the windows. It took all his strength to keep from breaking into a run. Running up the stairs, bursting past the door, and kissing Lonnie the way he longed to.

  But he could never do that. And his heart was pounding something fierce. Yanking off his pack, Gideon dropped it at his feet. He pressed his hands to his thighs and bent over, forcing himself to take slow breaths. His head was light. Dizzy.

  Oh, God.

  He could do this. He could do this.

  Closing his eyes, he prayed. Prayed that she would understand. Prayed for grace. For mercy. For the time to be the man she deserved. He prayed for all that and more. His heart thundered. At the sound of a baby’s laugh, his heart nearly tore in two, and snatching up his pack, he jogged across the farmyard.

  Seventeen

  Elsie waved everyone to the table. “Let’s all sit and eat while it’s hot.” Lonnie sat beside Toby and fingered a loose pin in her hair. She tucked it back out if sight and was lowering her hand when she heard a knock at the door.

  “Wonder who that could be,” Jebediah said as he pressed his napkin beneath the collar of his shirt. He began to rise.

  Lonnie waved him down. “I’ll get it.” The pin slipped free again, and popping it between her lips, she straightened her bun as she walked toward the door. Lonnie took a moment to slide the pin into place. She opened the door a smidge and peered out into the hollow night. She stepped onto the porch. Strange. Not a soul in sight.

  Not wanting cold air to flood the kitchen, she cracked the door. The snow had slowed to a few silvery flecks here and there. A glance around the white yard, and she wished she hadn’t taken so long. Whoever it was had perhaps gone to try the front door. She turned to head back i
nside when a man walked from the side of the house, not quite into the light.

  Lonnie glanced over, unable to make out his face.

  “May I help you?”

  “Lonnie? Who is it?” Elsie called.

  The man pulled off his hat and ran a hand through his hair before stepping closer. A brilliant pain bubbled in her chest, stretching into every sleeping corner.

  Gideon.

  “No—no one.” Lonnie’s voice faltered. “I’ll be right there. Just a moment.” Pulling the door closed, she stared into the dark night. Gideon stared back. Dawn broke within her at the sight of him standing before her.

  He breathed her name. The sound so soft and perfect she took a single step toward him.

  “Gideon.” She marveled at the sound of it. At the sight of the man she thought she’d never see again.

  His eyes didn’t move from her face. His boots didn’t move from where he was standing. With slow steps, Lonnie descended the porch and stood close. Too close. For he stepped back. Guarded.

  “Gideon. It’s you,” she breathed. Even as she spoke the words, every impossibility pricked her heart. A thousand reasons he couldn’t be here. But she quieted each one of them, grasping hold of this impossible moment.

  One side of his mouth lifted. “It’s me.” His green eyes caught the candlelight streaming from the window.

  Reaching up, Lonnie grazed her fingers against his hair, down his neck. “It’s you.” Tears stung her eyes. She brushed the side of her face against his coat, savoring his scent of smoke and cedar. Gideon captured her hand and, closing his eyes, turned his head to kiss her palm. A jolt of lightning surged through her arm, and Lonnie pulled it away, tucking it in the folds of her skirt.

  He took a step back, and she was glad. Lest she forget he was not her husband.

  “Where … where’s …”

  “Cassie?”

  She nodded fiercely, dreading his answer.

  “She’s not here.”

  “No?” The word came out weak. Her chest heaved.

  “She’s back in Rocky Knob.”

  That’s right. She wouldn’t be able to travel in her condition. Lonnie’s knees nearly buckled. Why was he doing this to her?