The Dada Caper
Page 4
It was a quick arrangement.
Ambercrombie gave me seventy-five dollars and a key to the office.
He scribbled his home telephone number on the back of a business card.
He said call me if anything happens.
I said I’ll do better than that.
I said I’ll call you even if nothing happens.
Ambercrombie nodded approvingly.
He said you’re a damn good man Purdue.
24
…oncet I knowed a woman what got raped every Saturday night for twenty-seven years…had the patience of a saint…never complained oncet…
Monroe D. Underwood
I walked west on Diversey Avenue to Booligan’s Bar.
It was a blistering block.
It took four bottles of beer to cool me off.
Booligan wasn’t on duty.
I asked about him.
The new bartender told me Booligan was at the Ravenswood Hospital.
I said who’s sick?
The new bartender looked surprised at my question.
He said Booligan.
He said didn’t you hear about the rape case?
I said no.
He said some elderly lady.
I said good Christ don’t tell me Booligan raped some elderly lady.
The new bartender said don’t worry I won’t.
He said some elderly lady raped Booligan.
I said impossible.
The new bartender said well maybe you ought to run right over to Ravenswood Hospital and explain that to Booligan.
He said I am sure he will be very pleased to hear it.
He said the old gal nailed him while he was turning out the lights.
He shook his head.
He said she really did a job on him.
He said very professional.
He said you ever been raped?
I said I’m not sure.
25
…my great-grandmother should of been canonized…by God she would of been if my great-grandfather could of got hold of a cannon…
Monroe D. Underwood
I waited until dark.
I walked back to my car and got my brand-new three-cell flashlight.
I let myself into the Ambercrombie and Jones offices.
I checked the safe in Ambercrombie’s office.
It was locked.
I sat at Myrtle Culpepper’s desk.
Under the desk glass were a few pictures of a couple in the fifties.
There were several of younger couples.
Their ages ranged from twenty-five to thirty-five.
There were about a dozen of kids anywhere from five to fifteen.
I chuckled.
Myrtle Culpepper was a great-grandmother.
Great-grandmothers were the backbone of the nation.
God bless all great-grandmothers.
I turned off my brand-new three-cell flashlight.
I just sat there.
There is nothing worse than just sitting there.
I wished I had brought a six-pack.
In about an hour I changed my mind.
I wished I had brought a twelve-pack.
I tried to call Betsy.
No answer.
I looked around for the FM set.
When I found it I decided not to turn it on.
You just almost never hear Alte Kameraden on FM.
I went back to Myrtle Culpepper’s desk.
I tried to call Betsy.
No answer.
26
…oncet I knowed a feller what was tic-tac-toe champion of Bannerville Georgia…they got him in the Tic-Tac-Toe Hall of Fame…
Monroe D. Underwood
By ten o’clock I had burned almost a pack of cigarettes.
The place was pitch black.
The air-conditioning was off.
It was hotter than hell in there.
I was sorry I hadn’t brought a copy of Eagles magazine.
I could have read it with my brand-new three-cell flashlight.
I played tic-tac-toe in my mind.
I had the x’s.
Playing tic-tac-toe in your mind is extremely difficult.
Especially in the dark.
I kept making round x’s.
I lost damn near every game.
I tried to call Betsy.
Still no answer.
27
…you show me a man what asks questions first and I’ll show you a man what is still looking for a right answer…
Monroe D. Underwood
About midnight I was beginning to doze.
Then I heard a key hit the lock.
I dropped behind Myrtle Culpepper’s desk.
The door opened.
Somebody whispered amma go inna finda safe.
Somebody else whispered I’ll check the back and I’ll be right with you.
A flashlight clicked on.
Somebody passed Myrtle Culpepper’s desk.
I stood up.
I hit him on top of the head with my brand-new three-cell flashlight.
He sagged silently into the thick salt-and-pepper carpeting.
I turned off his flashlight.
I stood beside the door and waited.
In a few seconds somebody else came in.
I hit him on top of the head with my brand-new three cell flashlight.
He collapsed face down.
I went to Myrtle Culpepper’s desk and grabbed the telephone.
I called D. L. Ambercrombie.
He answered on the first ring.
He said Purdue?
I said you ain’t just a-woofing.
He said what’s up?
I said grab some cops and get over here.
I said it’s all history.
D. L. Ambercrombie said I could tell you were a damn good man.
28
…when you meet some people twicet that’s oncet too often…
Monroe D. Underwood
At the Shakespeare police station Kellis J. Ammson was holding his head with both hands.
He was talking to the grizzled old desk sergeant.
He said officer society must deal sternly with this man.
He said he goes around braining people with flaming three-cell flashlights.
He said he is undoubtedly the greatest flaming menace since Attila the Hun.
He said and I am not so flaming sure about Attila the Hun.
I shrugged.
I said I didn’t know Jones had hired you guys.
Ambercrombie said that’s right officer.
He said even I didn’t know.
He said while I was hiring this guy Jones was hiring these guys.
Gino Scarletti said oh Jeeza Christ I think I onna wronga side.
I said I wrecked my brand-new three-cell flashlight.
The grizzled old desk sergeant leaned back in his chair.
His faded eyes gleamed strangely.
He clawed at the gray stubble on his chin.
He said well they told me vaudeville was coming back.
He said I was a fool.
He said I wouldn’t believe.
He said but here it is by God.
He said you fellas got one hell of an act.
He said but I ain’t much on encores.
He said get out of my goddam police station.
29
…you sleep with one woman you sleep with them all…feller what found that out sure didn’t allow much time for drinking…
Monroe D. Underwood
I stopped at a tavern.
I had a double Jack Daniels.
I tried to call Betsy.
No answer.
I had a double Jack Daniels.
I tried to call Betsy.
No answer.
I had a double Jack Daniels.
The bartender said we’re closing up pal.
I called Candi Yakozi.
Candi Yakozi said I recommended you to
my insurance man.
I said I think maybe we better talk about that.
She said okay come right over.
She said this afternoon I bought a recording of Alte Kameraden.
She said it’s a terrific polka.
She said I couldn’t find “The Teddy Bears’ Picnic.”
I said do you have any patriotic music?
I said I’m proud to be an American.
Candi said I got “Columbia the Gem of the Ocean.”
I said who does it?
She said I think it is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
She said but it might be Elvis Presley.
She said what’s the difference?
I said you got beer?
Candi said I got a refrigerator full.
She said I’m proud to be an American too.
I said have you ever heard “Hats Off the Flag Is Passing By”?
She said no but I’d love to.
I shrugged.
I said leave a light on.
30
…sex ain’t really the most important thing on earth…we just got four billion mixed-up people…
Monroe D. Underwood
I had been in the office less than an hour when Booligan came limping in.
Booligan was missing some hair.
His face was scratched.
His lower lip was swollen.
He said I got a job for you.
He said I want you to find the old broad who raped me.
I said hey was she that good?
Booligan said I bet you are a real riot at a funeral.
I said I was going to send you a card.
I said one with lilies and things.
Booligan said cards wouldn’t help none.
I said how come you didn’t fight her off?
Booligan used a four-letter word.
He said you ever fight a she-grizzly bear?
He said from now on I am keeping a sawed-off shotgun behind the bar.
He said and a fifty-gallon drum of Mace.
He said that old broad scares me to death.
I said maybe she wanted money.
Booligan said money hell.
He said she left me forty dollars.
He said she was lugging a roll that would of choked a hippopotamus.
He said she’s a sex maniac.
He said she’s dangerous.
I said don’t sweat it.
I said the cops have to catch up with her sooner or later.
Booligan said sooner or later ain’t soon enough.
He said you know Spud?
I said from Spud’s Place?
Booligan nodded.
He said she raped Spud last night.
He said she left Spud twenty-five dollars.
He said Spud is in a state of shock.
I said well that just got to be a big improvement.
I said are you sure it’s the same broad?
Booligan said who else?
He said how many old broads go around raping bartenders?
I said well offhand I would say less than fifty percent.
Booligan dropped a hundred-dollar bill on my desk.
He said start looking.
He said this goddam Women’s Lib thing is getting out of hand.
He hobbled out cussing a bright blue streak.
31
…I got to give whores credit…wisht I could find one what would do likewise…
Monroe D. Underwood
After Booligan left I got a call from D. L. Ambercrombie.
He said goddam sonofabitching goddam sonofabitching goddam sonofabitch.
I said what’s wrong?
D. L. Ambercrombie said you were right that’s what’s wrong.
He said this morning it was nine hundred dollars.
He said but this time it’s marked money.
He said yesterday I put a red moustache on the picture of every sonofabitch in the goddam safe.
Betsy came in.
I told Ambercrombie I’d be getting back to him.
He said you’re a damn good man Purdue.
Betsy sat in the client’s chair.
She didn’t dust it off.
She leaned back.
She didn’t cross her legs.
Her soft mouth was a hard crimson gash.
Her pale blue eyes glittered like Kellis J. Ammson’s diamonds.
She said so see Chance Purdue.
She said see Chance Purdue spend two straight nights with Candi Yakozi.
She said see Betsy.
She said see Betsy boil Candi Yakozi in oil.
I chuckled good-naturedly.
She said see Betsy castrate Chance Purdue.
I said now you just wait a goddam minute Betsy.
Betsy stood up.
She said oh well.
She said all’s fair in love and war.
She leaned over and kissed my cheek.
She winked at me.
She smiled.
It was a strange distant smile.
She went out.
She didn’t mention lunch.
On the window ledge Winston looked puzzled.
32
…sure I served my country…allus got Taps mixed up with Mess Call…got throwed out of more goddam mess halls…
Monroe D. Underwood
That afternoon a large man with an iron-gray crew cut marched in.
He was wearing a conservative charcoal suit.
He had flinty blue eyes and a jutting jaw.
There was something about him that said no nonsense.
He said Mr. Purdue my name is Clem Dawson.
He gave me a firm handshake.
He said I am with the United States government.
I said you must be very lonely.
Dawson settled into the client’s chair.
He said I mean I work for the government.
He whipped a calfskin folder from an inside pocket.
He flashed enough identification to get him into the President’s liquor cabinet.
He said Purdue we know all about you.
I said oh my God.
Dawson said if there is anything you wish to know about yourself please feel free to ask.
I said what’s my middle name?
Dawson didn’t blink.
He said you don’t have a middle name.
I shrugged.
I said okay.
Dawson leaned forward in the client’s chair.
He had a crisp to-the-point manner of speaking.
He said Purdue the United States government has a proposition for you.
I said now that makes two.
I said the first one didn’t pan out too well.
Dawson nodded.
He said well the infantryman always ends up on the wrong end of the shaft.
I said I was in the field artillery.
Dawson said field artillery supports infantry.
He said you didn’t earn your Bronze Star three miles behind the lines.
He said you were up front with that radio.
I shrugged.
I said I should have got the Congressional Medal of Honor just for carrying the goddam thing.
I said it was bigger than me.
I said what’s the proposition?
Dawson said three hundred dollars per week for occasional investigatory work.
I said that’s the only kind of investigatory work I do.
I said is it dangerous?
Dawson said this depends on just how good you are.
I said that could make it pretty goddam dangerous.
Dawson lit a cork-tipped cigarette with an ancient Zippo.
I said how long does this job figure to last?
Dawson frowned.
He said the end is nowhere in sight.
I said at that rate I might be able to pay off my car.
Dawson lowered his voice.
He said Purdue have you ever heard of DADA?
/> I shrugged.
I said not since I was very young.
Dawson said DADA stands for Destroy America Destroy America.
I whistled.
I said they must mean it.
I said they said it twice.
Dawson’s jutting jaw hardened.
He said you had better believe they mean it.
He said DADA is a highly efficient subversive organization founded and funded by the Kremlin.
He said its original assignment was to acquire complete control of the news media of this country.
He said of course that mission was accomplished many years ago.
He said since then DADA has been a sort of jack-of-all-trades machine.
He said it has dabbled in everything from campus agitation to cold-blooded murder.
He said we have good reason to believe that DADA was responsible for the student riots at Purity State Theological Seminary in Phoebus Virginia.
He said there is little doubt that DADA blew up the Happy Giant Ice Cream plant in Lickdale Pennsylvania.
I said this DADA really gets around.
Dawson smiled wryly.
He said now we have it on excellent authority that DADA is gearing up for a new operation of major proportions.
I said who is Mr. Big?
Dawson sighed.
He said our best sources indicate that DADA is headed by a Nivlek Ysteb.
Dawson pronounced it Ee-steb.
He said he is probably of Belgian extraction.
He said there is an Ysteb River in Belgium.
I said boy he must be good if they named a river after him.
Dawson cleared his throat noisily.
He said Nivlek Ysteb is a shadowy figure at best.
He said we have no dossier and no description and no leads.
He said in short Purdue we have us a major-league headache.
He said national security is undoubtedly at stake.
I said is DADA in Chicago?
Dawson gave a short humorless laugh.
He said DADA is everywhere.
He said we are theorizing that Chicago is its headquarters.
I said why don’t you bring in the FBI or the CIA?
Dawson shook his head sadly.
He said by the time our DADA-controlled news media gets through there won’t be an FBI or CIA.
I said I’m beginning to get the picture.