Honor Roll

by Collins, Kelly

  “Three hundred and fifty dollars an hour.”

  He stole my shot and downed it. “You’re shitting me?”

  “Nope, that’s the going rate for the service I work for. It’s that or fourteen hundred a night.”

  “Let me clarify, you get three hundred and fifty dollars an hour to have sex with various women?”

  “Yep.” I nodded.

  “Holy shit, son, I don’t know whether to bow at your feet or ask for your autograph. I’m in awe of you, but don’t tell your mom.”

  It was funny watching Dad chime in on my shameful career choice. Instead of chastising me and making me feel little, he was proud.

  Imagine that?

  We shared a few more beers, and then stumbled back to my apartment. Dad embraced me, and I held on for longer than necessary, but it was nice to know we were back in sync. I felt less lonely, less vulnerable, and a lot more determined to make my dreams come true, and Mim Knight was at the top of my list.

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  “I love you, Luca. I’ll talk your mom off the ledge if she’s still awake, but going to church tomorrow will make her feel better. Expect a lot of acts of contrition.”

  An audible groan escaped me. I wasn’t ready for that. A willing confession was one thing, but willingly sitting down with Father Tobin and outlining each one of my sins would be painful and time-consuming.

  Dad disappeared into my bedroom. After brushing my teeth, I sat down and texted Mim a short explanation.

  Mim,

  I should have told you from the beginning, but I didn’t know how. Would you have dated me if you’d known? I doubt it. What I did is not who I am. I’m a man in love with one woman. I’m in love with you. I’m so sorry you had to learn about my ugliness this way. Please let me explain everything in person. It’s too long a story to text.

  I love you, Mim. Don’t give up on me.

  Luca

  Several minutes later, she responded.

  Luca,

  I can’t pretend what happened didn’t. We have nothing left to say to one another.

  Mim

  She was wrong. I had a lot to say to her, and I’d find a way to make her listen.

  Chapter 17

  By six-thirty, I was sitting in the front pew of Saint Mary the Virgin Church, pinned between my mother and father like an unruly child. I fell on the padded kneeler and buried my face in my hands. Hiding was better than looking at Dad’s awestruck expression, or the mask of my mother’s obvious disappointment.

  “Father?” Mom called to the priest walking by. “Father,” she said a bit louder to gain his attention.

  “Yes?” Father Tobin approached, and when he saw me, he smiled. “Hello, Luca. Nice to see you here.”

  Mom smiled with pride. The priest knowing my name would gain me favor. “When do you offer confession?” Mom was always direct and to the point.

  “Mom. Stop.” I pressed myself back into the pew. I couldn’t hunch far enough down to disappear. “I’ll go when I’m ready.”

  “Introduce us, Luca.” Mom slapped me with a visual where-are-your–manners. Any favor gained by knowing the priest was lost.

  I introduced Mom and Dad and prayed Father Tobin would rush off to get ready for the seven o’clock Mass we were attending. No luck.

  “Luca says he’s a regular at your parish, but getting him to confession has always been difficult.”

  Father Tobin eyed me when Mom said I was a regular. I was definitely going straight to hell. I’d be lucky if I didn’t burst into flames on the spot. “Luca and I have had discussions about that very thing. He’s promised to come in when he’s ready.” Father Tobin looked directly at me. “Open confession starts every Saturday at five, but for those who need more time, I’d recommend an appointment.” There was no misunderstanding his words. Father Tobin knew I’d need a lifetime to come clean. “I have to go. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  Relief covered me like a warm blanket. If I could just get through Mass, I’d be golden.

  Up and down, I kneeled and stood like I’d done a thousand times in my youth. I kept my head low enough to avoid the stares of the Saints placed around the sanctuary, looking down at me in judgment.

  When it came time for communion, I sat and watched parishioners pass me one by one, and I wondered if they assumed my soul was too tarnished to participate. My heart hammered when I recognized the man bowing in front of the priest. Marcus Knight received his communion wafer and waited for Mim and his wife. They turned to walk away but came to a dead stop in front of me.

  “Mim,” I whispered, barely able to breathe.

  She lifted to her toes and talked quietly to her father, then walked straight out of the church. I rose to catch her, but Dad pulled me down.

  “Son, give her space. Now is not the time.”

  * * *

  My mother talked all through breakfast about Father Tobin.

  “You will go to confession, Luca?” It was more of a demand than a question.

  “Yes, I will.”

  She relaxed and ate. When she was finished, she reached over the table and took my hands. “Luca, you are a good boy, and nothing you did or will do in the future will ever stop me from loving you.”

  I’d thought every tear had left my body, but there was one remaining for my mother, and it slipped down my cheek in an endless stream.

  “Thanks, Mom. I promise to make you proud.”

  “Luca, just make yourself happy, and I’ll always be proud. And make things right with Mim. She’s a keeper.”

  After breakfast, I placed my parents in a taxi headed to the airport. They offered to stay longer, but I needed space and a new plan.

  * * *

  Monday morning, I hid behind the large oak tree across the street from Mim’s and waited for her to appear. The birds sang a ballad of encouragement from the tops of the trees. The sun shone rays of hope at her door.

  When she exited the brownstone, I held my breath. Dressed in black slacks and a gray sweater, she looked beautiful. She locked the door and turned in my direction. Her hot tea was steaming on the top step.

  She bent over and picked it up, then looked at the side where I’d written a message. I’d spent the night devising a plan. I needed to explain myself to her, and she wouldn’t listen. If writing a note on her teacup every morning was the only way to communicate, so be it.

  I snuck a peek around the gnarled bark. She was reading my note. I silently high-fived myself. The words I’d written echoed in my head.

  Mim,

  Nothing I say will take away the pain I’ve caused. The only place to begin is to say I’m sorry and try to explain myself. I’ve been a paid escort for two years. If I’m honest, I loved the job at first, what red-blooded male wouldn’t? As time passed, I hated it. It diminished me as a man and a human. The plan was to earn enough money to pay off my student loans and be done. I never expected to meet you, but there you were, and you changed my life.

  The words wrapped around the cup until I’d used every available space. Her blank expression gave nothing away, but she sipped my peace offering while she walked toward the subway station.

  In my opinion, the morning had been a success. I’d felt on top of the world until I arrived at class and she was absent. That was the beginning of the rest of my shit day.

  Sandra phoned after class.

  “Luca, I just got a call from Diane. What the hell happened?” Her serpent tongue was loose, and I didn’t need to deal with Sandra’s venom right now.

  “What did she say happened?" This might be worth listening to.

  “She’s accusing you of breach of contract. You need to fix this. I can’t have my clients saying we didn't deliver what we promised.” Her icy voice slithered across my skin. I was tired of being told what I had to do. My life was a screwed up mess, and all I needed to do was get Mim back.

  "Breach of contract, really? That bitch drank herself under the table and then told everyone who listened, I wo
uldn’t service her needs.” Unbelievable. “She never asked for sex. She was all about the boyfriend experience. In fact, she owes me money. I had to remove her from the restaurant quickly and was forced to pay the bill.”

  “Luca, I’ve never said this to you, but you’re a dick for hire. When you use your talents, there are never complaints.”

  “Damn it, Sandra. I turned Diane from a man to a passable woman. You told me she could be instrumental in determining my future, and you were right. She screwed up my life. While she was in a drunken puddle in the center of Times Square screaming that I wouldn’t nail her, my girlfriend and parents looked on.”

  “Luca, your personal issues are hardly my concern.”

  “They are now because I quit. I’ll talk to each of my clients off the clock, except for Diane. The thought of seeing her makes me want to heave.”

  “Oh, Luca, stop being so dramatic. Finish with your clients as scheduled.”

  “No. I’m finished now.”

  There was no need to wait for her reply. I knew I was finished as an escort when I put down my coin. In all honesty, I was done a long time ago. My heart was never in it, but my mind had ruled my dick when it came to money.

  Today, I’d begin a long week of letting go of my clients and burying my past. I’d meet with them once more off the clock to let them know I was no longer an option.

  * * *

  When I arrived at Laura’s office, she was ready for me—the old me. I wanted to turn and walk away. The shame I felt for my actions was cinder block heavy on my heart.

  “This isn’t happening, Laura. I’m out.” I picked up her jacket and tossed it over her naked lower half.

  “What the hell are you talking about? Unzip your pants, and let’s do this.” She glanced at the window.

  Bile rose in my throat, the acid threatening to choke me. “I quit.” When I walked out, she was screaming a string of expletives that could make a sailor blush. “Bonnie, cancel all my mentoring sessions.” Her mouth dropped as I left the office for the last time.

  That wasn’t how I expected our final meeting to go, but Laura wasn’t a negotiator; she was a tyrant, used to getting what she wanted. I’d never made her anything but happy until today, and Laura unhappy wasn’t pretty. Hopefully, the rest of the week would go better.

  On Tuesday, I hid behind the tree and watched Mim pick up her tea. My chicken scratch covered the cup.

  Mim,

  My life began in Saunders’ class. It ended in Times Square. I take full responsibility for my actions and for your unhappiness. Can we have dinner Thursday? We have to talk. I know a great Italian place near your house. Please say yes.

  She sipped her tea and sat on the step. She pulled her phone from her purse, and the next thing I knew, mine was buzzing in my pocket. I fumbled for it.

  No.

  I’d never liked that word, but seeing it in bold letters was like a death sentence. Could a heart bleed out from sorrow? I was hemorrhaging each time she shut me out.

  With my hands in my pockets and my shoulders creating a shadow I could follow, I trudged down the street away from her. Each step was like ripping a scab from a wound.

  Twofer Tuesday would be a thing of the past after today. Meredith answered her door dressed in jeans and a cotton tee. The flowers in my hand were meant as a farewell gift, but she took them and gushed with happiness.

  “It’s been so long since I’ve received flowers.” She brought the bouquet to her nose and inhaled.

  “Men should buy more flowers.” They were such a simple act of appreciation but were often overlooked.

  Meredith set the flowers down and crushed herself into my chest. She reached up and tried to kiss me. “Meredith, I brought the flowers as a goodbye.”

  She stumbled back like I’d slapped her. This meeting would be hard because she had just made a breakthrough sexually.

  “You’re saying goodbye? Was I that awful?” She turned into a blubbering mess in seconds. Lines of mascara connected her eyes to her mouth.

  “Meredith, this has nothing to do with you.” I thought back to my do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do-words. “I told you to be honest about yourself with whoever you dated, but I didn’t follow my own advice, and I ruined the best relationship I’ve ever had. My girlfriend found out about my job, and she left me. I can’t continue to do what I did and hope to get her back.”

  “Are you lying to me?” She looked small and frail. “It’s me isn’t it?”

  “You have no reason to believe me, but if I were a man making love to a woman, you would have been in the top one percent of women I’d made love to. Passion oozes from your every pore. You’ve got what it takes to make a man fall to his knees.” I held Meredith for several minutes. When I left, I kissed her cheek. “Find someone worthy, Meredith.”

  Shelby was fine with our parting. She had a graph hanging on her wall, and I was her mode of checking off every model car she could have sex in. She’d crossed out over a hundred and fifty so far. We’d never been able to find a Model T Ford or the Bat Mobile, but she was well on her way to reaching her goal. I’d brought her a model of a Shelby 350 GT, and we hugged goodbye.

  For each client I let go, the heaviness weighing me down began to disintegrate. Once I let go of Jessica, I’d be free of my past. The question was, what would my future look like?

  Wednesday morning, I left Mim tea on the doorstep and leaned against the tree in full view. She closed the door and stopped. Her eyes went to the tea, to me, and back to the tea. For a second I thought she would say something, but she picked up the steaming cup and walked away without giving me a second glance.

  Mim,

  As I write this, I’m thinking about Hester Prynne. She sinned for love. I sinned for money. Despite my shortsightedness, my eyes are fully open, and my love for you will never die. I’ve said goodbye to my past. I’ll leave you with this quote from The Scarlet Letter. "She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom." I’m free, Mim.

  I arrived at Judith’s house with a bag of groceries. Chicken piccata was on the menu. I had the breasts she planned to tell her friends I’d felt.

  “Luca, you make an old woman happy.” We walked through the entry and straight into the kitchen. Once I had her seated at the island, I went to work.

  “I hope you’re hungry.” I opened the silverware drawer and gasped. The forks and spoons had been switched back. “Someone else has had their hands in your drawers.”

  She dismissed my comment with a wave of her hand. “I could only be so lucky. What is this about you dropping me as a client?”

  I walked around her kitchen like a blind man reading Braille. I touched everything until I’d found what I needed to cook her dinner.

  I inhaled lungfuls of regret and exhaled mouthfuls of resolve. “Oh, Judith, I totally messed up.” Once I explained the situation, she pffted and waved me off again.

  “Luca, you are not canceling our Wednesdays. We have a lot to accomplish and so little time.” She sipped on the glass of white wine I’d poured her.

  "What kind of things do we have to accomplish?” Confusion filled my eyes. There had been no mention of a plan, but obviously, Judith had one.

  Her voice rose in exasperation. "Luca, you're a young man who needs a job. How do you think it's going to work out when you show up at the offices of the women you've been sleeping with? Will you be able to look at them as your boss, or will you imagine something else?" She shook her head and rolled her eyes. “In theory, the dean’s list is an excellent concept, but in reality, its only function is to provide short-term income.”

  I’d always figured I wouldn’t run into any of them. My entry level position wouldn’t have given me access to the women I’d been sleeping with for months. I never thought that far ahead; all I knew was I needed a job.

  "I haven't given it much thought, but unemployment is not an option."

  "Luca, remember when I told you that you were so much more than even you knew? The very best attribut
e for a person to have is likability. People like you and you like people. It’s obvious in everything you do. You showed up here knowing you’d quit. Why come in person when you could have called?”

  “I felt I owed it to you to explain in person why I would be abandoning you in the future.” I never considered anything but a face-to-face meeting.

  “That takes courage. How many of these meetings have gone badly?”

  “One. She wasn’t used to hearing no.” I chuckled at the memory of hearing Laura scream her frustration.

  “I want you to meet someone at my company. I believe you’d be a valuable asset to Kent International.” Judith pulled her cell phone from her pocket and began to type. “I'm going to set up an appointment for you. Even if you're not interested in working for Kent International, the interviewing experience will be good for you. A good interview is a foot in the door."

  "Really, Judith, you don't have to do that for me. Besides, what could I possibly do for Kent?”

  “All those millions of precious stones turn into cash, Luca. I imagine you are excellent at tracking cash flow. Am I right?” She looked down at the large diamond that graced her left ring finger.

  I’d been a professional bean counter for years without realizing it. “Yes, I am magnificent at following my cash flow. I know where every dime I’ve made has been spent.”

  “You would be good at many things. Opportunity knocks on many doors. It’s knocking on yours.”

  I dredged the chicken and chopped the shallots while Judith and I discussed my future. By the time I’d finish cooking our dinner, she had scheduled me a tour and an interview at Kent International.

  We ate in the beautiful dining room decorated in soft yellows and robin’s egg blue. The wallpaper pictured open cages and birds fluttering about. If I had let my imagination go, I could have pretended I was in an aviary and the birds flew free around me.

  After we had eaten, I cleaned up and asked Judith if she’d like to meet the following week. This wouldn’t be paid time. It would be me spending time with a woman I respected, someone who expected nothing but my presence.