An Unwelcome Homecoming

by Darrell Maloney

  She also remembered many of their bad behaviors, and it wasn’t unusual for her to call people out after church services on Sunday morning.

  “Why, Judge Moore, don’t you dare sass me. You may be all powerful sitting on your bench in your fancy black robe. But I still remember you as that little boy who always pulled the fire alarm in the spring so we’d have to evacuate the school.”

  Judge Moore, the most powerful man in Blanco County, would sheepishly look at the floor and say, “Yes, ma’am. I’m real sorry about that.”

  Not even the Baptist minister, preacher Morris, was immune from her recollections.

  “That was a right nice sermon you gave on ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ preacher. But aren’t you the one who used to steal cookies from Cindy Brown’s lunch box?”

  “Yes, ma’am. I asked God to forgive me for that a long time ago.”

  “Well ask Him again, just in case He was busy that day.”

  “Yes, ma’am. I will, I promise.”

  Miss Handy never married, and was what would be called a “spinster” in a bygone era.

  But she was happy.

  Anytime anyone asked why she never married she’d answer, “Why in the world would I need a man? I can do anything any man can do, most things much better.”

  Occasionally someone would respond, “Well, then you could have children.”

  She’d sweep her arm across the horizon.

  “Look around you,” she’d say. “Practically every kid in town is one of my children. I love each and every one of them, even the rotten ones. I can visit them whenever I want and still chastise them when they need it.

  “And the nice thing is, I don’t have to buy their clothes or feed them. And when I’m tired and cranky I can just hole myself up in my house and not answer the door.

  “It’s like the best of all worlds. Why on earth would I want to change it?”

  Anytime Dave or another volunteer delivered firewood to Miss Handy’s house she made a point to stand on her back porch and make sure it was stacked correctly.

  It wasn’t that she was controlling or bossy, mind you. It’s just that she spent many years teaching her young charges that anything worth doing is worth doing right. So perfection was a habit she just couldn’t break.

  As for Dave and the other volunteers, they didn’t mind at all.

  Miss Handy was a spark plug and a great conversationalist.

  And here’s something only Preacher Morris and a few of the more hypocritical town biddies didn’t know…

  Miss Handy could trade dirty jokes better than a drunken sailor in Chinatown.

  It seems she knew them all. For almost sixty years her keen sense of hearing picked them up one at a time as little boys whispered them back and forth in the back of the class.

  The best ones she filed somewhere in the back of her steel-trap memory for her own use later.

  The bad ones she immediately discarded.

  Now she traded barbs back and forth with the men stacking her firewood, only pausing occasionally to point out to them when they weren’t stacking it neatly enough to suit her.

  And both had a whale of a time.

  On this particular afternoon, just as he was finishing up, Judge Dan Moore came to call.

  “Hello, Dave. Hello, Miss Handy…”

  “Excuse me, Daniel? I thought I taught you better manners, all those years ago. A gentleman always addresses a lady first.”

  She winked at Dave while she said it.

  Judge Moore didn’t notice the wink because he was looking down, like he did when she chewed him out at age eight.

  “Yes, ma’am, sorry. Hello, Miss Handy. Hello Dave.”

  Dave thought he’d better jump in before she found something else wrong with the judge’s behavior.

  “Hello, Judge. What brings you all the way over here to the wrong side of the tracks?”

  He winked back at Miss Handy as he said it, but she didn’t respond. She’d clean his clock later.

  “I came to bring you a message from the mayor,” Moore said. “He’d like for you to stop by city hall on your way home, if you don’t mind. A matter has come up before the city council and they’d like to confer with you before they make a decision.”

  Dave was taken aback.

  He’d been called to the principal’s office many times when he was a kid. He was called to the first sergeant’s office several times when he was a Marine. He was even called to the regiment commander’s office once.

  But he’d never been called to meet with a city council before.

  The look on Dave’s face said, “Why?”

  The old judge shrugged his shoulders and said, “Hey, don’t ask me. I’m just the messenger.”

  That was, of course, a lie. Judge Dan was one of the most influential men in town. He held more sway than the mayor or the police chief or the minister. The only one in town who’d win a popularity contest over Judge Dan was Mrs. Montgomery.

  And maybe Miss Handy.

  Absolutely nothing went on in Blanco without Judge Dan either implementing it, being involved in it or knowing about it.

  Dave knew that, and Miss Handy knew that.

  But neither chose to call him on it.

  Both correctly assumed he’d been sworn to secrecy by the council, so they dropped it.

  “No problem, sir. I’ll be done here in twenty minutes or so, and then I’ll come directly to city hall.”

  Moore said thank you to Dave, then tipped his hat to Miss Handy. All the time he was hoping he did it in the proper order so he didn’t get his ass chewed again.

  “Need reinforcements?” she asked Dave while the judge was still within earshot.

  “No ma’am, I’ll be okay.”

  “And you’ll stop back by here and tell me what they had to say when you’re done?”

  “Yes, ma’am. If you like.”

  “Don’t you forget, now. It wouldn’t be proper to leave an old woman wonderin’ all night. Hell, as old as I am, I might not wake up in the morning. Then I’d never know.”

  “I won’t forget. I promise.”

  Chapter 47

  Dave walked into council chambers while the meeting was in session.

  The new mayor, a man named Vince Tully, stood at the podium and directed a meeting about stop signs and their placement.

  Dave took his seat in the gallery, but made eye contact with the mayor so he knew he was there.

  Dave had only met the mayor once, at church service the previous Sunday. He was a young fella, even younger than Dave. Judge Moore called him a snotty-nosed runt.

  Miss Handy told him in secrecy the ten year old version of Mayor Tully always wore high-water pants and pocket protectors and got beat up on the playground a lot.

  But we live in a nation where the oddest of folks can get elected to office and here he was.

  They wrapped up the stop sign discussion by voting to add the town’s fifteenth stop sign to the corner of Ash Street and Elm. The fact that there hadn’t been an actual automobile travel down either of the streets in going-on two years didn’t even come up.

  Presumably the sign was to better control people riding go-carts and skateboards.

  In any event, Mayor Vince broached the next topic on the agenda.

  “I see that Mr. David Spear has joined us in the nick of time,” he said.

  He nodded to Dave who, not knowing what else to do, nodded back.

  “The next matter before us is a town council request to hire an additional police officer to help Chief Poston patrol the town and keep our streets safe.

  “The town has a secondary motion, contingent on the first motion passing.

  “That secondary motion is that a nomination be considered for David Spear to be named as Assistant Chief of Police, at a salary commensurate to his previous experience as a proud member of the United States Marine Corps.”

  Dave was, to put it mildly, taken aback.

  He stood and started to object, but anyth
ing he’d have said would have been drowned out by the cheering and applause going on around him.

  He looked directly at Judge Moore, who placed a finger to his lips in the traditional “hush” sign.

  He looked around and saw a group he didn’t notice standing just inside the door on the other side of the room.

  Apparently the faces most familiar to him waited until he came in before slipping in after him.

  Were they a part of this?

  He studied Sarah’s face first. She looked as surprised as he was.

  Red and Lilly, standing next to Sarah, both had mischievous grins on their faces.

  They were up to their necks in it.

  The mayor continued, “The city charter requires that before we add any new managerial positions to government offices there must be a one hour public discussion prior to the council voting.

  “We will open up the floor for public comments now. Please line up at the microphone, and as long as there are two or more people in line we will impose a three minute time limit. That way more people can be heard.”

  Several people scrambled toward the microphone, wanting to be first in line and set the tone for discussions.

  It so happened the first in line was Widow Wagner.

  “I’ve thought for a long time that Red Poston needed some help doing the police stuff.

  “Why, look at her. She’s spending so much time working she doesn’t even have enough time to eat. She’s wasting away to skin and bones. She can’t possibly weigh more than eighty pounds.”

  Red weighed fifteen pounds more than that, but still appreciated the comment.

  She’d have hugged Mrs. Wagner after the meeting if Mrs. Wagner had left well enough alone.

  But she continued.

  “And I know the job is taking a toll on her, what with all the stress and all. You can see that in her face. She’s got way more gray hairs and wrinkles than a woman her age should have.”

  Chapter 48

  The widow concluded by saying, “And I say that Dave Spear is a fine man for the job. He’s a good and faithful family man and a blessing to the community. If you don’t hire him you’ll have me to deal with.”

  The good widow’s words did indeed set the tone, and every single one of the townsfolk who followed her more or less seconded her opinion.

  The last to join the line was Luke, the town nudist.

  That’s when Dave knew he was set up.

  Luke told him once that he had an agreement with the town council.

  Any time he planned to attend an open meeting he had to inform the council in writing a week in advance. That was so the council had time to notify all the town’s residents that a naked man would be present and therefore children would not be allowed. If anyone complained they were reminded that (1) Their children weren’t taxpaying citizens, and (2) Luke was.

  That’s the way it had been for years and it worked fine. There were precious few times when anyone complained because everyone knew and liked Luke.

  And everyone knew he was harmless. He chose not to wear clothes because his interpretation of the Bible said that God intended for man to be natural, and that Adam and Eve messed everything up.

  Luke contended that Adam and Eve never felt shame at their nakedness until they ate the forbidden fruit. And that if they hadn’t sinned, man and woman would be as naked as every other one of God’s creatures.

  Some of the townsfolk disagreed with his logic.

  Others saw merit in his argument, but none to the degree they joined him in his nakedness.

  He claimed the right to let it all hang out, to use a 1960s term, as his religious freedom, and once the town understood his beliefs they stopped fighting him on the issue.

  Luke finished his input by saying, “It’s not often we get a chance to recruit good families like the Spears. Big city folks don’t want to live in places like this because there’s not a McDonald’s on every corner or a mall within a mile or two.

  “I know, I know, things like that don’t matter without power, but someday things will be back to normal once again.

  “My point is that our population has been declining for years because we lose more people than we gain. And now we have a chance to gain a very fine family.

  “And all we have to do is offer the man a job he’s obviously well suited for.

  “I don’t know Sarah as well as I know Dave, because every time I’ve talked to Sarah she’s covered her eyes with both hands…”

  The crowd chuckled.

  “But even though I’ve never seen her face, I’ve listened to her words and I know she’d be an incredible addition to our community. If we don’t take this opportunity to make these people our own, we’ll be missing an incredible chance to make our town better.”

  Mayor Tully called for a vote on the motion to hire an assistant police chief for the town.

  It passed six to one.

  He then asked for a vote on the motion to offer the position to Dave Spear.

  It passed unanimously.

  The council went on to other business, and Dave made his way through the crowd toward Sarah, Red and Lilly.

  It took him awhile because everyone in the crowd wanted to shake his hand and congratulate him, and he honestly didn’t know how to respond.

  When he reached them he asked, “Which one of you decided to play this prank?”

  Sarah professed ignorance.

  “Hey, I didn’t know anything about it. They just dragged me here because they said there was something here I wanted to see.”

  Red said, “It was all Judge Moore’s idea. He’s been bugging me for months about hiring somebody to help me out. He’s the one who put the mayor and the city council up to this.”

  Dave looked at Lilly, who shrugged her shoulders and said, “Hey, don’t ask me. I’m only here for the popcorn.”

  Dave was incredulous.

  “But I never even asked for the job. I never submitted a resume. For all they know I’m a serial killer.”

  Red asked him, “Are you a serial killer, Dave?”

  “No, but…”

  “Then shut up. They know all about you that they need to know. That you’re a former Marine, and that automatically makes you a good and honorable man. As Judge Moore said when it was his turn to speak, the Marines haven’t taken any slouches since Lee Harvey Oswald.

  “And the whole town’s been talking about how you’ve pitched right in to help feed everybody and take care of the widows.”

  Lilly interrupted her best friend and said, “Oh, stop it, Red. Tell him the truth.”

  “Huh?”

  “That it’s all a show. An act. A big sham.”

  “What do you mean, Lilly?”

  “Tell Dave the truth. That the town doesn’t really want him. They just made up a phony job to get him to stay so we can keep Sarah. That Sarah’s the one we really want, but we know they come as a team.”

  As she spoke she caught Sarah’s eye and winked.

  Red caught on and continued.

  “Okay, Dave, there you have it. The cat’s out of the bag. Sarah’s the one the town really wants to keep. You can hang around too if you want, but ever since Sarah finished healing and started helping cook at Jake’s diner, the whole town’s been singing her praises.

  “They’re saying she’s ten times the cook Jake ever was and they’re wondering how he was ever able to feed people without her.”

  That much Dave knew was true. He’d heard comments more or less attesting to it from several people in recent days.

  Sarah, for her part, appreciated the comments.

  She beamed.

  Chapter 49

  Dave felt a little bit guilty.

  Like he was letting his new friends down.

  “Look, Red. I appreciate the town’s offer and all. And I’ll be glad to help you patrol the streets when I’m not doing something else.

  “But I’ve got my heart set on getting back to San Antonio. I mean, it’s hom
e to us. As much as Blanco is home to you. I hope you understand.”

  “Hey, Dave, this isn’t my doing. And I understand, I honestly do.

  “As for helping me out, you’ve got enough on your plate already. Use whatever free time you have with your family. They need you way more than I do.

  “I mean, it’s not like there’s a big crime wave going on around here. The biggest unsolved crime I’m dealing with are the two chickens that were stolen from Mr. Avery’s coop last week.

  “And it’s not exactly the crime of the century.”

  “Somebody stole chickens from Mr. Avery?”

  “Yes. I’m pretty sure it’s the group of squatters who set up camp on the south shore of the lake. I went down and asked them and they denied it. But the smell of chicken cooked over a campfire was still in the air.

  “I think they got tired of eating fish or the fish weren’t biting that day and they were hungry.

  “I told them they were on notice and that I’d be watching them. And that if they got short of food, to walk into town and go to Jake’s diner and ask if he had enough to feed them. I said if he did he would let them work it off by clearing tables or cleaning up the place or scrubbing pots and pans. I said he does that for a lot of folks, as long as there’s enough food to feed the townspeople first.

  “And there generally is.

  “Anyway, I suggested to Mr. Avery that he move his chicken coop into the middle of the pen where his pit bulls run, and he won’t have any more trouble with looters. He got a couple of neighbors to help him, and as far as I know the hens are still laying and he’s still supplying Mrs. Montgomery with a dozen and a half a day.”

  Sarah said, “Are you serious? That’s the biggest crime you have?”

  “Yep. It’s pretty peaceful in our little Mayberry. Oh, the Simpsons still argue a couple times a week. Last week he came home drunk from his poker game again and she threw a frying pan at him on the front porch.

  “The pan went through a neighbor’s kitchen window, but they worked it out.

  “She agreed to make her husband go over and repair the window after he sobered up, since the whole thing was his fault anyway.