Losing Logan

by Sherry Ficklin

  “So, what’s the plan today?” I ask, opening up what I hope will be a safe line of communication.

  He grumbles. “You know. I’m just going to hang out and be dead. Talk to myself, watch people doing things I don’t get to do anymore. Smell food I can’t eat. If I get really frisky I might go watch my mom cry some more.”

  I slam on the breaks, swerving the car onto the shoulder of the road.

  “Pity party, table of one. What the fuck, Logan?”

  His moods are giving me whiplash. I know he’s dead and all, but seriously.

  “Excuse me for having a moment of depression about the fact that I’m dead.”

  I turn, slinging my arm over the seatback.

  “Logan, I think you are missing the obvious here. Yeah you’re dead, and yeah that pretty much sucks 24-7. But you are also like, free. I mean, you said you wanted to go to New York, right? So go now. Go today. You don’t even need a plane ticket. You can just blink and be there. You can go anywhere. Do anything. Sky’s the limit. And let’s be honest, I’m not even sure that’s technically true.”

  He shakes his head. “Yeah. I can do anything. Except the one thing I want to do.”

  I take a shallow breath, too afraid to ask what he’s talking about. The expression on his face is raw and full of pain. He wants to be alive. And I can’t give him that. I can’t even give him a half way decent death.

  “Look, I will go over to Kaylee’s after school and get some answers. I know how hard it is for you to be stuck here like this, with me of all people. We will get to the bottom of what happened. I promise.”

  He looks at me, shaking his head like I just don’t understand. Maybe I don’t. How could I? I have my whole life ahead of me.

  Swerving back into traffic, I head for the school. As he promised, Bruno is waiting for me, standing next to his truck chatting with Becker and Austin.

  “What are you going to do when I’m gone?” Logan asks suddenly as I reach in the back to grab my bag.

  “What do you mean? I ask quietly, digging around a little so Bruno can’t see me.

  Logan jerks his head toward the truck beside us. “With Bruno. You gonna keep seeing him? Keep your place in the herd?”

  His tone is cold, edged with curiosity.

  I open my door, stepping out.

  “I honestly don’t know.”

  Bruno, thankfully, isn’t a big PDA guy, so he settles for taking my hand, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek, and walking me into the building. As soon as my suede boots hit the tile I’m flanked by the twins, Madison joining them.

  “Hey Zoe. I love your outfit,” Madison gushes.

  I can feel myself blushing. “Thanks. You look great too.” I offer sincerely. She’s wearing a tiny white skirt and deep blue blouse. Between the heels on the stilts she’s wearing and the miniscule skirt, she looks like a model, all long legs and bouncy hair.

  “Is that jacket Marchesa?” Katelyn asks, touching the lapel.

  I look down. My dress is a flowing crème color with small flowers that hits me just above the knees, the jacket is a soft green that’s got brass buttons and little cuffs. You wouldn’t think you could mix a girly dress and a military style jacket, but somehow, Carlos assured me, it works.

  “Yeah. Spring collection, I think.” I say absently.

  “Oh, we have got to go shopping together some time!” Madison begs.

  “Have you picked up your dress for Homecoming yet?” Cassidy asks, joining the group.

  “No, not yet.”

  Madison claps gleefully. “We should go this weekend. I know this amazing boutique—“

  “Has anyone seen Kaylee today?” Becca cuts in, stepping into the slow moving group.

  The twins shrug, Bruno mutters a, “No,” before turning back to the discussion he’s having with his guys. Madison shakes her head.

  I frown. “I um, I saw her yesterday. She was pretty sick. I think she went home early.”

  Becca looks concerned, but Madison waves it off. “She’s still playing the grief card to get out of class. Tacky if you ask me.”

  “Still,” I offer as politely as I can, “Maybe you should go check on her, Becca? I’m sure she’d appreciate it.”

  Becca stares at me for a second, then her gaze shifts to Madison whose face is scrunched up like she’s trying to speak telepathically. Finally Becca shakes her head. “I’m sure she’s fine. She’ll get here when she gets here. Where were we? Planning a shopping trip?”

  We reach my locker and the whole group stops, everyone talking and making jokes. It takes me a full minute to see it, to process the whole scene, but when I do, I glance over to Logan who is pressed against the wall opposite me.

  “Congratulations, Zoe. You did it.” He waves at the girls, who are alternately talking to me and flirting with the guys. The bell rings and no one moves, everyone looks at me expectantly. I smile. “See you guys after class.”

  You’d have thought I was the queen giving my subjects leave to depart my presence. Bruno kisses me quickly on the cheek and walks off with Austin, Cassidy and Becker saying a very graphic goodbye before splitting up and heading for class. The twins smile and Madison informs me that she wants to ride to lunch with me, if that’s alright. I nod sweetly, trying not to look as stunned as I feel. As they bounce away I overhear Madison talking to Becca.

  “…so much nicer than Kaylee. Cooler too.”

  As I walk past, Logan claps. “Not only have you made it into the herd, I think they just elected you their leader.”

  “Great,” I mutter under my breath. “Queen of the lemmings.”

  Other than a few strangers casually striking up conversations with me as if now, for some reason, I’m worth talking to and a couple of between class PDAs with my cute new boyfriend, the day is fairly uneventful. The people gawking at me are still unnerving, but I’m getting used to it. I’d ventured over to invite Carlos, but he had already promised to help the Bio teacher get set up for a lab over lunch. He kisses me on the forehead with a promise of pizza later. He’s just as surprised by my new status as everyone else and I can tell there are a million questions he’s dying to ask.

  “Okay, Zoe Bowie. I’ll come over tonight and we can chat.” He promises, hugging me tightly.

  He releases me quickly and I turn to see Bruno approaching. For the tiniest moment I’m sure there is about to be some kind of macho pissing contest but Bruno just holds out his hand to Carlos, who shakes it firmly.

  “Hey, I don’t think we’ve ever met officially. I’m Bruno.”

  “Nice to meet you, I’m Carlos.”

  Bruno grins, slipping an arm around my waist.

  “Zoe talks about you all the time. You wanna go with us for lunch?”

  Carlos smiles widely. I guess an invitation from me isn’t nearly as big a deal as an invite from Bruno. “I’d love to but I have some stuff to do here.”

  Bruno nods, “Tomorrow then.”

  “Sure, I’d like that.”

  And just like that Carlos is in the herd whether he wants to be or not. The grin on his face tells me he’s pretty happy about it. I wave and let Bruno lead me to his truck. Glancing back over my shoulder I see Carlos give me a What just happened? look.

  Even lunch, I have to admit, is kind of fun. I’m getting to know the twins, who are both planning on going pre-med after a gap year in Europe, and somehow, cementing my place as alpha female of the pack. At one point Madison makes a rude comment.

  “I bet she ditched just to meet up with her new mystery guy. She’s such a slut.”

  I lower my chin, my voice tight and strong. “Ease off. Kaylee’s been going through a lot.”

  She laughs sourly, “How do you know what she’s been going through?”

  The other girls stare at me. There is challenge in her voice. I flick my hand.

  “Well her boyfriend just died, she’s been sick, and her best friend is calling her a slut behind her back. And those are just the headlines.”

 
Her face puckers like I’ve slapped her.

  “Besides, have any of you bothered to check on her? See how she’s doing?”

  Shamed silence. I shrug.

  Becca quickly changes the subject but Madison shoots me a meek glance that is filled to the brim with guilt. Good. I may not like Kaylee, but no one deserves to be turned on by their friends.

  I turn to Bruno, wrapping my arm through his. He grins and kisses me.

  Cassidy sighs wistfully.

  “You guys are a shoe in for Homecoming King and Queen.”

  I jerk my face toward her.

  “Huh?” We’ve been dating for like three seconds and suddenly we are the plastic cake toppers?

  She rolls her eyes. “Come on, everybody sees it. You two are, like the new perfect couple.”

  I raise an eyebrow.

  Bruno leans over, whispering, “It’s one of her theories on human social behavior. Cassidy wants to be a Shrink.”

  “Psychologist,” she corrects.

  “Well, you have the first part down,” Darla jokes from Austin’s lap. “You’re already a Psycho.”

  Cassidy wads up a napkin and throws it at her good-naturedly, then she turns back to me.

  “It’s a fact that in adolescent groups, people will seek out a ‘perfect couple’ to emulate. They look to them for social cues on how a relationship should function.”

  I wrinkle my nose. “That’s nice to say, I think. But no relationship is ever perfect. I mean,” I look at Bruno. He’s kind of perfect. Handsome, sweet, kind, and smart. He’s everything a girl could want, the whole package. So why do I feel like something is missing? “We haven’t even been together a full week. Eventually he’s going to witness my unbelievable troll-like bed head and decide I’m not worth the trouble.” I try to keep my tone light and he chuckles.

  “No amount of bed head could do that,” he says, kissing the tip of my nose. “Now if you were to tell me you’re a Redskins fan, that might be a deal breaker.”

  I scrunch my face. “Redskins? Oh, you mean that practice team the Cowboys like to beat up on so much?”

  That remark earns me an enthusiastic hug and a high five from Becker.

  “See? She is perfect.”

  Katelyn is staring at me blank faced. Aby pats her hand, “Football, sweetie.”

  She makes an, oh face and smiles gently, blushing.

  Darla digs a tall blue bottle out of her oversize purse and sets it on the table.

  “What’s that?” I ask.

  She passes it to me, “It’s Genius Water. Full of brain boosting vitamins and stuff.”

  I look at the label, then glance up.

  “Really? You paid $5 for Genius Water?”

  “Yeah why?”

  “Sorry to break it to you but I don’t think it’s working.”

  She frowns. “Of course it’s expensive. It’s from Paris.”

  “Really? Because according to the fine print it’s bottled in Newark.”

  Beside me Bruno erupts in a fit of laughter as Darla snatches the bottle back from me.

  Logan spends the whole hour sitting in an empty booth close by, staring out the window. He doesn’t even glance at me once. I try not to let it bother me, but something about his posture, the fierceness in his expression has the little hairs on the back of my neck standing up. I’m sure his mystery stalker is out there, watching. Waiting.

  But for what?

  The rest of school is a blur. I kiss Bruno goodbye and he heads off for lacrosse practice. I know he wants me to stick around and watch, but I want to get somewhere private so I can talk to Logan.

  I don’t see him anywhere after school, and he’s not at my car. I swallow, hoping he’s not off chasing shadows. It’s a long, quiet drive home and I keep hearing what Cassidy said echoing like an accusation in my ears.

  The perfect couple.

  Maybe we could be. Maybe we could be that blissfully happy couple everyone else looks up to. Lord knows Bruno would be an easy guy to fall for. But all I can think about right now is Kaylee and how to get her to open up to me. I can’t even think of my life beyond today. I have to figure out what happened to Logan. He deserves to be at rest, at peace. Every day he spends here is like hell for him. Still a little, desperate, insane part of me doesn’t want him to go. Because as long as he’s here…

  I don’t even know how to finish that thought.

  I turn the corner onto my block and see a long white unmarked police car parked in my driveway. I pull up to the curb. Logan is standing on the porch next to my mother and the two plain clothed detectives talking to her. She points in my direction.

  I get out of the car and walk over to them.

  Normally, I’d be panicked, but I’m calm as something is setting off alarms in my head. My fight or flight instinct must be broken, because every time those alarms go off inside me, I go straight to fight. Fleeing isn’t even an option.

  “Mom? What’s going on?”

  She pulls me close and puts her arms around me.

  “It’s your friend, Kaylee. Sweetie she’s dead.”

  I pat her back, confusion fading into shock. Pulling back I look at the cops.

  “What? How?”

  The short black woman and her thick burly male partner exchange looks.

  “We’d like you to come down to the station and answer some questions.”

  “Me? Why?”

  Another exchange of looks.

  “You don’t have to go, baby,” mom offers protectively.

  I shake my head. “No, Mom. It’s fine.”

  She folds her arms, “Fine, but I’m coming too. And I’m calling our lawyer.”

  “You can ride with us,” the man says, grabbing my arm.

  I pull it away. “I’ll ride with my mom. You can follow us in your car if you’d like. But first I’m going to put my backpack in my room and pee, if that’s okay with you?”

  The woman nods, following us into the house. She watches from the hallway as I drop my bag and enter the bathroom, closing the door.

  “Logan!” I whisper as loud as I dare.

  He appears beside me. I move to throw my arms around him, and he’s solid. Just for a few seconds. But it’s getting longer and longer each time. I can’t help but wonder, if he stays long enough, maybe he could be real again? I shake away the thought.

  You can’t be alive without a body, my brain reminds me.

  “What’s going on?” I demand.

  He shakes his head. “All I know is that police found her body this morning. Her parents called the police when she didn’t come home last night.”

  “Where did they find her? What else do you know?”

  He shakes his head, “Okay, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not going to tell you. That way when the police tell you, you’ll be genuinely surprised.”

  I frown. “Why do I need to be surprised?”

  “I don’t know, but I know that they think…” he lowers his face, brings us nose to nose. “They think you were involved or that you know something. This is really important, Zoe. You have to be completely honest, or at least as honest as you can be.”

  I nod. “This just sucks. My only alibi is a dead guy no one else can see.”

  He smirks. “Sorry.”

  I flush the toilet and turn on the sink.

  “Zoe, I’ll be there every second, ok? Just try to relax.”

  I frown. Sure relax.

  Says the dead guy.

  Thirteen

  The inside of the police station is nothing like what you see on TV. It actually looks like the freaking DMV, only a little more cheerful. The detectives lead mom and I into a big conference room looking area with a full glass wall and no windows. It’s generic and sterile and reeks of burnt coffee and old spice. I take a seat at one side of the table. Starsky and Hutch stare at me across the table. I eyeball them coldly, trying to decide which one is going to play bad cop.

  “Miss Reed. As your mother told you, Kaylee Greely w
as found dead early this morning. How well did you know Miss Greely?”

  Logan stands behind the detectives, watching me.

  “Just be honest,” he encourages.

  “Not well. I knew of her. We’d spoken a few times.”

  “So you weren’t close?”

  “No, why?” I ask, irritation growing in chest like a thorny vine.

  “Just answer the questions please.”

  “Um, I am.”

  Mom reaches over and pats my shoulder.

  “Did you see her yesterday?”

  I take a deep breath. “Yeah. At school. She was in the bathroom, crying.”

  I pucker, trying to decide whether to leave it there or press forward. Logan nods for me to continue.

  “She was sick. Throwing up. I gave her a cool towel. And, uh, she asked me to hand her purse to her. It spilled and there was a pregnancy test inside.”

  They exchange another mysterious look and scribble on a big yellow pad of paper.

  “I asked her about it, and she admitted she was pregnant.”

  “Is that all?”

  I shrug. “I felt bad for her, offered to drive her home, she told me no and left on her own.”

  “Is that the last time you saw her.”

  I nod.

  The chunky guy opens a file on the counter.

  “Have you ever been to the Apple Mountain Radio Tower?”

  I nod again.

  “How long ago was that?”

  “I went a few months ago with a cleanup crew, and then again about a week ago.”

  “For what purpose did you go all the way up there, Miss Reed?”

  I clench my jaw.

  “I went because…I wanted to try to understand what happened to Logan.”

  “Were you and Logan close?”

  I nod. “Best friends when we were little. And we had recently re-connected.”

  “What did you do at the tower?”