“Are you wondering about my career or my love life?”
“I already know about your career.”
“And you also know Leo lives with me. There! Looks like you’re all caught up on my next steps.”
“Don’t you think you’re rushing things a little with that guy?”
Laughing like I hadn’t laughed in a very long time, “Wow, Kurt, your hypocrisy has no limits. What do you call your living arrangement here with Boobs? And let’s not forget about your trip to Mexico with her after you made me feel like an irresponsible slut for wanting to go to Mexico with Leo? And here’s a good one, how about sleeping with her in our house? I’ve known Leo a lot longer than you’ve known that girl, so don’t even get me started on the who’s rushing things with who bullshit. You’ll lose the argument and you know it.”
Struggling to say what’s on his mind, he stares at me for a lot longer than I’m comfortable with.
“Jesus, Kurt, if you have something to say, just say it! For once, just speak from your fucking heart!” And then, in an insightful tone that I don’t think I’ve ever heard, he says, “I call all of those things convenient distractions from the pain of losing the love of my life and watching her move on with who she thinks is the love of her life.”
Okay, I was completely NOT expecting that. The old Chrissy would get a little mushy about what Kurt just said. She’d question the choices she made over the last three years and doubt most of them. She’d worry that maybe she threw away over a decade of her life because she got impatient…or that her expectations were too high. She’d hurt for Kurt…she’d desperately want to help him. But, I’ve learned too much about myself…I’ve become too happy with where I am in my life to let a few seemingly sincere words from Kurt pull me back to a place that wasn’t good for me. Besides all of that crap, I’m in deep, deep, deep love with Leo. Even so, I’m taken aback by this raw side of Kurt that I’ve never seen before.
Clearing my throat, “Did you ever think that maybe you’re where you’re at today because you always have convenient distractions in your life?”
“Look, Chrissy, I’m not trying to start an argument here. I’m just saying it seems really fast for you to be seriously living with a guy.”
“His name is Leo and yes, it’s fast, but it’s real.” Looking back toward the mansion, which all of a sudden does have me a little jealous, I scoff, “Nothing like the convenient distraction you have going on here.”
“Fuck. Maybe you’re right.”
Whooda huh?
Exhaling and running his fingers through his hair, “I really do have to figure my shit out. Kayla’s parents are coming back in a month, and I’m not really sure what she expects.”
Surprise, surprise.
“I don’t think I’m ready to seriously settle down with someone, and she’s gonna be pretty pissed about that. She thinks we should be doing what you’re doing.”
My frustration is now replaced by curiosity.
“I don’t get it, though. When our divorce was final, you told me you were falling in love with her. You made me think she was the one who could give you all of that peace, sanity, relief, and safety we talked about.”
“I said a lot of things when our divorce was final.”
Not wanting to go down this beat up, chaotic, emotionally charged road with him again, I don’t pursue an explanation to that comment.
“Just be honest with her, Kurt. If she’s not the one, let her go. You both deserve to be happy.”
Signifying the end of the conversation, he revs his engine. As I back away, he says, “You look different, Chrissy…in a good way,” and then he drives off in the car of my dreams toward the girl with the rack of my dreams. As I make my way out of the Orinda compound, I think, Kurt sure looks the same, but something about him too is very different.
Bwamp-Chicka-Bwamp-Bwamp
June, 2001
Last month, when I arrived back at the cottage after rescuing Kendall’s Puffa-thingy, I was going to tell Leo the truth about how I spent the afternoon. I mean, things are different now, I’m officially divorced and we live together. There’s no reason why I should have to hide the fact that I did something that made Kendall happy, even if it meant coming face to face with my ex-husband, right? Right. But, when I walked through the door to find a very agitated Leo holding the shoebox that I was 99.9% sure I hid so well so he’d never find, I changed my mind.
“Okay…don’t be mad.”
No response. Only the sound of the heavy shoebox going THUMP on the kitchen counter where he threw it.
“Baby, c’mon…you didn’t expect me to throw everything away from the last fifteen years of my life, did you?”
“Yep.”
“Leo, that’s ridiculous! Those are just pictures of all the places I’ve traveled…Europe, Japan, Hawaii…They’re my memories! You don’t expect me to forget I ever had them, do you?”
“He’s in those fucking pictures.”
I want to be sympathetic because if the tables were turned, I’d be pretty upset too if I stumbled upon pictures of Leo kissing a girl in a bikini. But, I can’t help but be sarcastic. “Ummmmm, yeah! I didn’t go alone!”
“Damn it, Chrissy, I thought we were on the same page about this kind of stuff.”
“We are. But it doesn’t change the fact that we’ve been with other people and that we might’ve shared a few good memories with them. Leo, as pissed as it makes us, you have to accept that I was married, and I have to accept that you…dated a couple of girls.”
I soooo hoped he’d consider that even-steven, but nope.
“Right. You were married. You even dated that guy for what, like almost a decade before you got married! Which I don’t get AT ALL! But Chrissy, I only dated three girls before I met you, and I think the longest I could stand any of them was three weeks. Shit, you don’t even know if I slept with any of them.”
WHOA! Is he insinuating I’m his first? Shit, if I am, the dude must’ve watched a lot of porn because he’s sure got some innate mad skills in the love making department.
“And I don’t wanna know if you slept with any of them! The idea that you might’ve even bought an ice cream cone for one of those girls makes me crazy. That’s what makes us so perfect for each other- we’re completely insane. But Leo, I’m thirty-one years old. You have to start appreciating the fact that I have only been with one person.” Then calmly placing my arms around his neck, “And I was committed to that one person until I met you.”
Kissing his neck, I softly remind him of his old saying, “And if you take care of business…you’ll never go out of business.” He gently, but convincingly, grasped my wrists and in a tone that did more to turn me on than shock me said, “The same rule applies to you.”
Leo’s words were the truly, madly, deeply kind I’ve always craved to hear from a man and two minutes after I started kissing his neck we were in bed. The love spell we cast over each other that night worked and all of my contemplation about telling Leo where I had spent the afternoon and all of his anger over the old photos of me and Kurt went out the window when we started to make love. The only thought racing through my mind as he rhythmically worked his magic on me was, “There’s no fucking way I’m this guy’s first!”
What? It’s not like I lied about my whereabouts that day! It’s simply another omission. I’m still good with that honesty vow I made. Rest assured, if Leo specifically asks if I drove to Orinda and rescued a stuffed animal from Kurt’s girlfriend’s parents’ house last month, I’ll tell him yes. But, I’m glad that hasn’t happened, and probably never will, because there’s no doubt my honest answer would’ve prevented the last few amazing weeks from happening. Actually, amazing is an understatement.
Even though Leo’s been beyond busy at work since he landed at Robertson Stevens, our weekends have been nothing short of remarkable. Over the last few weeks we made some trips down memory lane with a visit to Mill Valley. And, of course, we rocked out to live music at
The Sweetwater Saloon when we were there. We drove down to San Louis Obispo and did all of the things we did at Shell Beach in April, 1998, which included skinny dipping and a brand new wine club purchase, compliments of him this time now that he’s earning a pretty nice paycheck. Then, as if life couldn’t get any more exhilarating, I finally got to meet his co-workers. He’s part of a confident, successful, ass-kicking investment team, and the entire night was something out of a Hollywood movie. Fancy bars, over-priced-artsy-fartsy looking food, hard liquor, dirty jokes, and dirty dancing. And the fast-paced, action-filled night ended with fast-paced, action-filled romance in the back of a limo. After we dropped the last drunken person from his office off on the curb outside his house, Leo opened a bottle of champagne, which we drank while staring at the city lights from Coit Tower. Then, once back in the limo, he poured himself another glass which he took a small sip of and then ever so smoothly deposited into my mouth when he kissed me. It was an unexpected move that once again made me think there’s no way Leo hasn’t been classically trained by a woman twice my age! (Right then and there I made a mental note to learn a few new moves from Slutty Co-worker.) When some of the champagne dripped out of the corner of my mouth and down the center of my chest, Leo didn’t hesitate to clean up the mess by removing the shoulder straps of my dress and tracing the direction of the trickle with his tongue. The driver must have sensed that our make-out session was about to turn into something a little more bwamp-chicka-bwamp-bwamp so he gradually raised the volume of the music and rolled up the privacy window. Frankly, I wouldn’t have cared if he watched. When I’m with Leo, it’s like he and I are the only people in the world. Everything about my time with him, starting from the moment we met, makes me feel seventeen again.
Besties
June, 2001
“I’m telling you, Kel, it was super weird. It was like the first time he laid his feelings on the line, and to be honest, it didn’t seem that hard for him. Maybe he did learn a lot from the divorce, or…and it pains me to say this, maybe Kayla is good for him.”
Courtney and Nicole couldn’t come to the cemetery today, which is fine with me because I’m still pissed at them. Besides that, it gives me a chance to talk out loud to Kelly about all that stuff that happened at Kurt’s house last month. Even so, it’s super creepy being here alone.
Placing a beer on Kelly’s tombstone like always, I sigh.
“I wouldn’t be alone if you didn’t have to leave.”
The sound of a lawnmower humming in the distance brings the creepy factor down a notch and makes me feel slightly better. Still, I sigh.
I really wish I had Kelly to talk to about Kurt’s weirdness at his “house” last month. She’d have something sensible to say that would put everything into perspective. I also wish she was around for me to bitch about Court and Nic. She’d totally be in my camp and NEVER hang out with Kayla. She was very team oriented that way. But, mostly I wish Kelly were here so I could tell her in person how good things are going with Leo. Instead, I have to settle for telling her bones which are buried six feet below me.
“He keeps bringing up house hunting, and I saw on his calendar that Taddeo’s coming for a visit in August. The two aren’t exactly correlated, but combined with the fact that he’s been more pensive than usual makes me think something’s up.”
I had my first pretend conversation with Kelly last month when my doctor friends were late. I was rattling off a bunch of questions, and it felt so unproductive not to get any answers, so I just started answering them as if I were her. Peculiarly, I heard the answers in Kelly’s voice- like she was right there with me. It was the voice of reason that’s been missing from my life since the day she died. Lord knows there’s no reason coming out of Courtney and Nicole! Since their husbands turned into little bitches, the two of them SUCK at talking about Leo. For example, if I just said all of that stuff to Miss Problem Solver Courtney, she’d deduce that Leo simply wanted a more comfortable living situation, that he misses his best friend, and that work is probably stressful, hence the being pensive non-sense. Miss Sarcastic Nicole would simply say Leo’s probably contemplating breaking up with his cougar girlfriend. Then, because I’m Miss Emotional Chrissy, I’d show her the cougar I am by ripping her frizzy-ass hair out.
I’m sorry, but the whole calling an older woman who dates a younger man a cougar is nauseating to me. Think about it. A cougar is a big, wild cat animal that hunts, prowls, and kills its prey. That’s what I’m being compared with? How come older men who date younger women get a nice sweet name, like sugar daddy? All I’m saying is, it’s not right!
“He’s probably gonna ask you to marry him.”
Yay! There’s my girl!
Looking down at my pewter Banana Republic ring, “I’ve been thinking the same thing too, Kel.”
“Doesn’t it make you happy?”
“It makes me worried.”
“That isn’t what I expected you to say.”
It wasn’t what I expected to feel, but that’s the great thing about having these “conversations” with Kelly. I say the first thing that comes to my mind and it’s usually pretty authentic. Dr. Maria would be so proud.
“What are you worried about?”
“Failing…again.”
“Like, that you’ll cheat on him?”
“No way, that would NEVER happen. He’s it for me.”
“Then, what?”
“When Leo showed up on my porch in March right after you died, we agreed to let the vulnerability that existed when we first met drive the relationship. We agreed to be afraid together, and I thought that would be enough to…”
“To what?”
“Make me forget that he’s six years behind me.”
“Oh, for the love of Pete!”
“No, listen! What if I’m not what he wants when he’s my age? What if he has as much growing to do in his life that I had to do in mine? I don’t know, seems like I’m forced to be the more vulnerable one in the relationship, and it scares me, Kel.”
“Jesus H. Christ! Are you really doing this?”
“I’m really doing this.”
“Anyone can grow and change at any time, dumbass! You don’t have to be six years younger than someone to screw up a relationship. You’re living proof of that! Chrissy, if you’re a match, you’re a match. Age has nothing to do with it.”
I should know all of this. But still, I’m scared he’s going to leave me and then I’ll be divorced…AGAIN! I don’t think I can handle that kind of failure twice in my lifetime.
“Let’s just drop it. If it happens, it happens, and of course I’ll say yes. But for now, I just wanna keep enjoying what we have…a monogamous relationship without all of the paperwork and public humiliation if it doesn’t work out!”
I go on to tell Kelly about the last few amazing weeks with Leo. I re-cap the trip to Mill Valley, the dreamy weekend at Shell Beach…The Sweetwater Saloon. And, even though she’s not here with me, when I tell her about the sex in the limo, I blush. When I’m done getting her all caught up, I ask her the question that’s been on my mind since last month.
“So, Kel, what’s up with that dream I had the night Leo and I went out for Mexican food? Does it mean anything?”
“Do you want it to mean something?”
“Not if it means I still have feelings for Kurt or if there’s a baby in my near future. There isn’t…right?”
“How the hell do I know what’s in your future?”
God, I miss her. After a loud laugh that makes the lawnmower dude give me a creepy look, I whisper, “But, seriously, Kel…the dream felt so real.” After thinking for a minute, I curiously ask my dead friend, “What do you think dreams really are anyway?”
“Hmmmm, good question. Maybe they’re the release of our deepest secret desires, or maybe they’re the place we go to solve the problems we couldn’t solve when we were awake. Or, I dunno, maybe they’re just a montage of bits and pieces of our day mixed in with the crap w
e watch on TV. Why? What do you think they are?”
“I have no clue, but I have a weird feeling you’re gonna teach me.”
Packing up the picnic basket, I hear Kelly’s voice say, “Call your best friends. Yes…when it comes to matters of the heart, they’re dumb as stumps, but they love you like a sister and they’re worried about you.”
“Sorry old friend, I’m not backing down on this one.” A few feet down the path, I turn and yell, “They can call me!” And then, “Don’t forget to tell my Grandpa I love him and I hope he’s enjoying this nice long vacation from me!” After getting another weird look from the lawnmower guy, I hop in my car to pick up Kendall. Someone I still can’t bring myself to talk about with Kelly. And I never will, unless she brings her up.
Like most of my afternoons with Kendall, we end up at the mall. After Craig helps me unload the shopping bags, he puts on a cartoon for his daughter and pops open a couple of beers. Like usual, we hunker down on the front porch. The minute Kelly got sick, it became our special spot.
“You know…that closet of Kendall’s is starting to look like a Stride Rite store. You might wanna ease up on the shoe shopping.”
“Hey, you better watch your mouth ol’ pal! It should look like a Norstrom! Besides that, a girl can NEVER have too many pairs of shoes!”
Our laughing then escalates when I recap my encounter with Kayla.
“Oh my God, Chrissy, you’re gonna give that chick a heart attack!”
“Like I told Kurt, it’s just too easy!” After a big swig of beer, “Fun too. But, unless you send me there again to retrieve Kendall’s Puffa-thingy, I can’t think of a reason why I’d ever see her again.”
Knowing me better than I thought he’s quick to say, “Are you kidding? I can’t deny you that kind of entertainment! I’m definitely leaving it there the next time those two make dinner for me and Kendall!”
The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) Page 7
