My typically sensible and tireless friend lifts her head up and hopelessly shakes her head.
“Court, it’s gonna be okay.”
Nicole wraps her arms around Courtney, looks up at me and says, “Kendall has no parents, how can you say that? Actually, hold on….how is it that you’re the one saying that?”
I can hardly believe it myself. How is it that, I, the emotional core of the group, am the only one not crying right now? And then I see the answer peering at me through the curtains. The same curtains her mother peered through and gave me a shaky thumbs up just a year ago.
As I motion to Kendall with my finger that I’ll be inside in a minute, I whisper to my friends, “She needs me to be strong.”
I’ve lost my shit over a missing tube of mascara before. I’ve called in sick to work because I had a zit. I literally lost twenty pounds in two months from being such an emotional wreck when I met Leo. I’ve balled my brains out over stuff that in the grand scheme of things didn’t matter. I could melt down because deep inside, I knew life wasn’t going to end over stupid shit. But life will end--well the chance at the happy one Kendall deserves anyway--if I lose my shit right now. I feel Kelly’s strength weighing heavy on my heart, and my tear ducts, and I feel the force of her thumbs up. She’s giving me what I need to take control of this situation and do what’s best for her daughter. I just know it.
Stepping away from my best friends I walk to the garage. I give Guss and Kyle quiet hugs and then speak directly to Kurt who still hasn’t taken his eyes off me.
“Do her grandparents know I’m gonna tell her?”
“Yeah. Kelly’s mom is at the funeral home and Craig’s parents are at their own house. They’re a mess and don’t want to scare her.”
“Does she have any idea what’s going on?”
“I don’t think so. I brought a bunch of toys over, hoping to keep her preoccupied until you got here. She’s been so busy with them she hasn’t even noticed Craig’s not here.”
Courtney and Nicole slowly walk up and are now in the garage with the rest of the gang, and all eyes are on me. This is really happening. I’m really about to tell a four-year-old little girl, who lost her mother to cancer just ten months ago, that her father is dead.
Please Don’t Make Me Do This
December, 2001
Up until the minute Kelly got too sick and tired to tend to her daughter, she’d always been a hands-on mom. Of course Kendall was in daycare until two-fifteen because Kelly worked, but after that, every day of Kendall’s life was filled with a craft, or a trip to the park or story time on her mommy’s lap. The weekends were filled with trips to the zoo, Mommy and Me gymnastics classes and good old-fashioned family time in the evening with Craig. But, Kelly’s energy ran out in the last two months of her life and the fun came to a screeching halt…she also became pretty scary to look at. After Kelly shaved her head due to hair loss from chemo, she did her best to keep her wig on to hide the look from Kendall, but slipped up on one occasion. And that occasion freaked Kendall out-- big time. One night, after a bad dream, Kendall tippy-toed into her parents room for some comfort, but got the opposite when her startled mother sat up in bed and revealed her bald head. Despite Kelly’s effort to calm her, Kendall cried, “Make it go back, Mommy! Make it go back!” According to Craig, that’s when Kelly started wanting to die. She was frightening her child who, up until that time, she’d done everything in the world to protect from terrifying things. That’s when she decided to move Kendall out of the house and in with her grandparents. The only night Kendall came home in those last two months of her Mommy’s life was a few days before Kelly went into the hospital where she died and that’s only because the grandparents got the flu and couldn’t look after her. She came home the night Kelly begged Craig to take a bath with her, but he didn’t. He was too busy doing everything he could to keep Kendall away from Kelly. It wasn’t what he wanted, but it’s what Kelly made him promise he would do.
After Kelly died, I asked Craig why he didn’t ask for my help instead of relying on his ancient parents. He said, “Kelly didn’t want our problems to become yours. She thought you had enough on your plate.” It always bothered me that Kelly thought I had so much going on in my stupid love life that she didn’t ask for my help when she needed it the most. It’s why I jumped at the chance to help Craig care for Kendall by picking her up at daycare three days a week. It’s why I’ll fight anyone, legal or otherwise, who gets in my way of raising Kendall now that her father is dead too.
Tippy toeing into the house, I find Kendall playing with one of the new dolls Kurt brought over to keep her occupied while the gang figured out their next moves.
“Ki-Ki!”
“Hi sweetheart! Come over here and give me a big kiss. Remember…just like the fancy ladies do it!”
Kendall scrambles to her feet, runs over, and plants a wet one on my right cheek, then my left, and for our own personal touch, a big one right on the kisser.
“That’s the way I like it! Whatcha’ doing over there?”
“Ku-Ku bought me dis fun stuff. Can you pway wit me?”
“I have a better idea! How about we pack it all up in a suitcase with your favorite pajamas and we have a sleepover at the cottage!”
Jumping up and down, she can barely contain herself. “Yay, yay, yay! Can Weo come too so we can hunt for snipes?”
“Well poop, he’s still in New York. But, we can call him! How’s that sound?”
Definitely not as happy as she was two seconds ago, Kendall says “Allllllright,” grabs her bright pink Barbie suitcase and starts packing. The gang is gone by the time I get Kendall outside. I made them promise to leave because if I saw them it would only make what I have to do that much more difficult. I need to be focused, not have their concerned faces staring at me as I load up my Goddaughter.
“Wait, Ki-Ki! I forgot to tell my Daddy about the sleepover!”
“You know what, sweetheart? Daddy knows.”
“He does? Can I say bye-bye?”
I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. STOP IT, CHRISSY! You don’t have the option to back out. Look at her. Who else is going to tell her the news? Her crypt keeper grandparents? Kelly’s mom who’s probably seven pills deep on Prozac and on the verge of a mental breakdown? The gang? A stranger? No! You’re the only one she’ll feel comfortable clinging to. Looking back toward the curtains in the living room, I can visualize Kelly giving me a shaky thumbs up, and I can hear her saying, “It has to be you, so get your shit together!”
“Da…” Clearing my throat, “Daddy told me to tell you bye-bye. He had to go see someone.”
“Who?”
“Ohhhhh, someone very special.”
“Who?”
“How about if I tell you over hamburgers and French fries at the cottage? We can snuggle up in warm blankets and have a picnic on the deck and throw rocks into the creek.”
“And hunt for snipes?”
“Yes, sweetie, and hunt for snipes.”
I didn't think I wanted you
But I want you now
I want to rescue, want to scream out loud
You will always be mine
(Ballerina, Leona Naess)
I’m Doing This
December, 2001
“You sure do love your French fries, don’t you?”
Kendall is covered in ketchup. While I’m wiping her face, I turn away to wipe my own. The tears just keep building up and I can’t stop them. I close my eyes and say my usual prayer. Dear Lord Jesus, who I should probably start believing in, please make this as painless as possible for this little girl. She doesn’t deserve to hear what I’m about to tell her. Deep inhale. Eyes now open. It’s time. Grasping my Goddaughter’s ketchup stained fingers, I stare lovingly into her big blue eyes.
“Kendall, remember when I told you Daddy went to visit someone super special?”
“Was it Barney?”
“No, not Barney.”
Chrissy…you have to do this. Go.
“Daddy went to visit…your Mommy.”
Her eyes move slowly from the basket of fries to my eyes.
“Can I do that?”
“No sweetheart, you have to be invited.”
“By who?”
It’s okay, Chrissy. You can say it. It might help her. Whatever it takes…
“God.”
“Daddy talked to God?”
“I…think so.”
“What did God say?”
“No one will ever know for sure.”
“We can ask Daddy when he gets back!” Excited at the prospect of asking her Daddy what God said to him, she jumps up and down in front of me.
Scooping her up in my arms, I place her on my lap facing outward toward the creek so I don’t have to look at her anymore. I can’t.
Whispering in her ear, “The thing is Kendall, once God invites someone to Heaven, they have to stay.”
Physically feeling the excitement secrete out of her body, she timidly asks, “My Daddy…isn’t coming back?”
Squeezing her tighter and choking back my tears, “No, sweetheart. Kinda like Mommy, Daddy can’t come back. I know it makes it really hard for the people on Earth because we miss them so, so much, but one day we’ll get our invitations…” Well, probably not me. “And everything will make sense.”
Turning to face me, she pleads, “But, my Daddy didn’t say bye-bye.”
God damn it. Looking up at the star-dusted sky, I plead for Kelly’s help as Kendall begins to cry, “I want my Daddy! I want my Daddy!”
Pulling her into my chest and holding her as tight as I can, “I want him for you Kendall, and I’d do anything in the world to bring him back, but God has a super important job for Daddy…” Now holding her even tighter, “…And he has to stay there. I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”
Wiggling out of my grasp, she looks up at me with her quivering lips, “That job is more impotant din being wit me?”
Son of a bitch.
“No, no, no, Kendall! There’s nothing more important than that!”
Now inconsolable, she demands, “Then why did God inbite him to his house?”
Pulling her back into me so I don’t have to look at her, I answer like God’s got another thing coming when He/She/It meets me. “I promise you, Kendall, that’s the very first question I’m gonna ask when I get there.”
Kendall was barely three when her Mom died, and while Craig said it was awful for the first month after she passed away, Kendall seemed to get used to life without her pretty quickly. At first she’d sort of wander around the house looking for Mommy. When Craig tenderly reminded her that she was in Heaven, she’d throw a temper tantrum. But, Craig did an amazing job of showering Kendall with love and maintaining a secure environment for her and, as much as it pains me to admit, life went on. But, Kendall is a year older now. She turns four in two weeks. And, she’s a very emotionally in-tune child when it comes to the finality of death. When I told her that her Daddy died, she knew within seconds he was never coming back.
Getting Kendall to bed was excruciating. The poor child literally cried herself to sleep as I gently sang “Hush, Little baby” over and over again. Of course I made up every single line because I don’t know where the fucking diamond ring goes or when the God damn Billy goat gets bought (clearly I have a lot to learn in a very short time), and obviously I removed any reference to “Daddy” as being the one buying any of that crap. I stuck Ki-Ki in as a replacement. The only thing that persuaded me to slink away from Kendall’s worn-out sleeping body was the non-stop faint knock on my door. Peaking through my kitchen window, I’m relieved at the sight I’ve dreaded seeing here a few times in the past.
It takes me less than three seconds to break down at Kurt’s concerned face and not much more than that for him to comfort me. I’d do anything for his arms to be Leo’s, but since I can’t have those, I’ll take any that give a crap about me right now. After settling me onto the couch, he disappears to the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with a cup of tea.
“I hate tea, Kurt. Remember?”
“Look, I’m not trying to shove eggs down your throat. Just drink it, it’ll relax you.”
Taking a sip, I think…Damn, that is good. I’m not going to tell him though.
“I bought a box of that stuff when I was in Nepal last month. Good, right?”
“Nepal?”
Aged, worn out, and eyes swollen with pain, he answers…seemingly thankful for the short reprieve from talk of death.
“Yeah, I went there for some charity first-aid thing right after Kayla gave me the boot. Camped all over the country and helped people who have little or no access to medicine. Thought it would be nice to get away and at the same time, help people. Mount Everest was beautiful. Blew me away.”
Charities…mountains…camping. As if over a decade of my life came flooding back to irritate me, “God, Kurt, you have such a weird life.”
“If that’s not the pot calling the kettle black.”
“Yeah, I guess I don’t wanna go down that road, do I?”
The small talk was a nice distraction, but our tired and soft laughter causes Kendall to stir. After checking on her to make sure she’s okay, I return to the couch and to a fresh cup of tea. Staring into each other’s embattled eyes, we know what we really have to discuss.
“I almost don’t wanna know, but how did it go?”
“I can’t talk about it. Kurt…I’m so scared. How do I make this better for her?”
“I don’t think you can. It’s just gonna take time. Did Dr. Maria give you the name of a good children’s counselor?”
Bursting into tears again, “I forgot to call. Oh my God, I’ve only had her for five hours and I already suck at this.”
“Stop it, Chrissy. You don’t suck at this. You’re just in shock. We all are.”
Hugging me until I get control of my emotions, he takes another detour from what we should really be discussing.
“I need to apologize to you for that little display at the coffee shop. Maybe I was looking for some kind of closure. I don’t really know.”
Wiping my nose on his shirt, I mumble, “Isn’t that what the divorce was supposed to give you?”
“When did you get so funny?”
“Weird how my humor seems to show up at the most inappropriate time, huh?”
Ignoring me, he continues with his original thought.
“I just thought you deserved to hear how sorry I was about--”
Pulling away from him, my first instinct is to tell him to leave. I can’t go back to the horrible memory it took the greater part of my adult life to put behind me. But, at this very moment, he’s all I have and I’m too scared to be alone with my huge Kendall thoughts.
“You don’t have to be sorry about anything. I put myself in the irresponsible position to get pregnant and I’m the one who made the choice to make it go away.”
“But I shouldn’t have ignored it after it went away. I should’ve been there for you, and I guess I’m trying to--”
“I appreciate what you’re trying to do, Kurt, I really do. But, and I mean this in the most sincere way…if I still wanted something from you, I’d still be married to you. For me, divorce was the end of my expectations.”
Slowly nodding his head, “When did you get so smart?”
“I’ve always been smart, I just needed to grow up.”
Looking around the quiet cottage he asks the awkward question I just knew was coming.
“So when’s he coming back?”
“All right, down boy. He’ll be here when I need him.”
“You do know that I have every right to be pissed off about what happened.”
“Yeah, I do, and I think I reminded you of that at the coffee shop. But, be pissed at me. Leave him out of it.”
“That’s a little easier said than done.”
Pointing to the bedroom, “This isn’t the right time to be talki
ng about this stuff.”
Would telling him right now that I’m engaged be a bad idea? Maybe he just needs to hear it. Maybe that’ll put an end to these uncomfortable conversations that seem to pop up whenever we’re around each other.
“I didn’t come here to upset you, Chrissy.” Somberly rubbing his worn out face, “I’m just a mess right now. He was my fucking best friend, you know…”
Yep, it’d be a bad idea.
Putting my hand on his knee, “I know exactly what you feel like right now.”
“Jesus, that’s right. Looks like we have more in common now than we ever did when we were married, huh?”
It’s morbid…but, it’s kinda true.
“Are you gonna be okay tonight, Kurt?”
Without looking at me, he says, matter of factly, “No.” Then he gathers up his leather jacket and tosses the box of tea to me. “Take it easy on that stuff. It’ll put you to sleep for a week if you’re not careful.” Before he walks out the door, he turns and says, “I wanna help Kendall through this too. Call me first thing after you talk to Dr. Maria. I promise, you’re not alone this time.” And then he ever so gently shut the door behind him so as to not wake her.
Bawling Brawling
January, 2002
Turns out Craig had been taking Xanax to manage the anxiety and depression that developed when Kelly got sick. And, it turns out, when Kelly died, he started popping those things like I used to pop St. Johns Wort…like tic-tacs. Surprisingly, his blood alcohol level wasn’t nearly as high as Kurt assumed it was when he left Palo Alto that day and it most likely wasn’t the sole cause of him ramming that other car from behind. What probably did him in was the lethal combination of alcohol and Xanax. The coroner’s judgment was that Craig unexpectedly fell asleep from the concoction. This was the information Courtney was giving to me as the handful of guests started to arrive for Craig’s memorial.
The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) Page 15
