Craig was very clear after Kelly died that when he kicked the bucket he didn’t want a big funeral like she had. Sitting in the pew and staring at her coffin made him physically sick, and he said he could never put anyone, especially Kendall, through something like that. He wanted to be promptly buried next to Kelly, no big shoveling ceremony, no eulogy, and no hanging around the casket and crying. When they were sitting around drinking beers one night, he told Kurt, “When I go, I want a good old fashioned barbeque at my house and if anyone starts bawling, kick em’ out.” No one would’ve ever thought it would come so soon.
After hugging Craig’s decrepit mother, I glance over at his picture. It’s been one week since he died. The morning after I told Kendall the news, I woke up very early to call Dr. Maria. For the first time ever, I used the special number she gave to me years ago in case of an absolute emergency. While I certainly felt like I went through a lot of code reds during my years with her, I could never justify calling the number with any of my problems. I always felt like the line should be kept open for the Sad Frumpy Ladies of the world. Staring at my haggard and make-up-less face in the mirror as the line rang that morning, I thought…there’s one. Her voicemail picked up and in as loud of a whisper I could muster up so as not to wake Kendall, I got right to the point.
“It’s me, Chrissy Anderson. Kelly’s husband has died, and I have their daughter in my possession. I told her about her daddy yesterday, and it didn’t go so well. I need to see a children’s counselor right away. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing and I need to know fast.”
Within five minutes of hanging up the phone, it rang again and it was a child psychologist. Dr. Maria heard my message, contacted the best one she knew and told her to call me immediately. Our conversation was brief. She identified herself as Dr. Vikki Ester and told me to bring Kendall to her that afternoon and to not let her out of my sight.
Kendall was quiet as we got ready to go to Dr. Ester’s office. I could tell she was wondering, “What happens to me now,” but she doesn’t have the vocabulary to express those kinds of big thoughts. I wanted to put her mind at ease and promise her that I’ll take care of her for the rest of her life, but without knowing the exact details of Craig and Kelly’s will, I knew I couldn’t make that promise. I just kept hugging her and told her I loved her.
I called Kurt on the way to the psychologist’s office, and as promised, he joined us. Dr. Ester directed Kendall to a toy room that magically made her happy and she directed the “grown-ups” to a different room to talk. When the psychologist referred to me as a grown-up, I literally froze. Wasn’t I the one who just four years ago met a twenty-one-year-old guy at a bar and tried to take his pants off in my car? Wasn’t I the one who used to hack into that guy’s voicemail account and sabotage his plans to hook up with other girls? Wasn’t I the one who, up until I was thirty-years-old, pretended my name was Prudence, Maude, Guadalupe, and Nell? Wasn’t I the one who verbally assaulted Kurt and Boobs outside of my old house in Danville while my neighbors watched? How can someone as psychotically challenged as me be called a grown-up? Furthermore, can someone as psychotically challenged as me be a good mother to Kendall?
“Chrissy, you coming?”
Kurt motioned for me to sit down next to him so the “grown-ups” could get started. After instructing us to call her Dr. Vikki because it’s more casual for the children, she went on to tell us how she thinks Kendall will react over the next month or so, and then she gave us an action plan to deal with it. The bottom line is we have to provide her with a stable routine, keep things calm and shower her with love. She recommended I bring as many of Kendall’s belongings to my cottage as I could and keep the illusion of a really long sleepover going for as long as possible. Illusions are definitely something I have experience with creating, so no problem there. Everyone’s hope is that we can determine guardianship as soon as possible to provide Kendall with long-term stability as quickly as possible. But, when Kurt’s cell phone rang during the meeting with Dr. Vikki and it was the attorney, “as soon as possible” went out the window.
“Well, what did he say?”
Dr. Vikki and I were on the edge of our seats.
“Well, we’re still her legal guardians.”
“Did you tell him we’re divorced?”
“Yep. He said he thinks he remembers an update to the will that tackles that subject.”
“He thinks?”
“He’s knee deep in another case and can’t pull the file until the first week of February.”
“Are you kidding?”
“Nope. Apparently the asshole--Sorry, Dr. Vikki…Apparently he’s too busy until then to solidify the future of a four-year-old little girl. He told us to do the best we can with her care until he can see us to work out the logistics.”
Nicole breaks a plate in the kitchen and it snaps my mind away from Dr. Vikki’s office and back to the memorial. Staring at Kurt, who’s helping her clean up the mess, I feel relief that the asshole attorney can’t see us until February. I still haven’t told him, let alone any of the other people in this room, I’m engaged to Leo and that we want sole custody of Kendall. I mean, it would be the most stable, calm and loving set up for her, but the challenge is going to be convincing Kurt of that. He already lost one girl to Leo, I’m not so sure he’s going to give another one up to him so easily this time. Oy vey, I definitely have a few logistics of my own to figure out before February.
“What are you thinking about?”
It was Kurt. He stopped on the way to the garbage can to throw the broken glass away and saw me staring pensively down at my drink.
“Kendall.”
“Are you sure it was such a good idea to leave her there today?”
Dr. Vikki thought it would be too difficult for Kendall to be around the gang because she’d expect to see her father, so Kurt and I agreed she should be somewhere else for the barbeque/memorial. I dropped Kendall off with Slutty Co-worker and Megan at one of the studios this morning. They’re the only people she knows outside of the ones with me here.
“Of course. Kendall loves it there and they love her.”
What I wasn’t counting on this morning though was Barbara being there. To this day, she has a very hard time being around little girls. Despite all of her years of intense therapy, the pain of losing her three-year-old daughter has been something she could never deal with. The only thing that’s made coping somewhat tolerable was staying as far away from little girls as possible. But, Barbara’s years of dodging them came to an abrupt halt this morning when Kendall opened the front door of the studio and it hit her in the nose. I thought the head on collision was going to be disastrous. But, in actuality it seemed to be therapeutic. A visibly traumatized Kendall clung to my leg and Barbara just stood motionless, staring at her for what seemed like forever. Finally I interjected with, “Maybe this isn’t such a good idea” and started to usher Kendall out of the studio. But, Barbara softly touched my hand and said, “I’m okay, Chrissy,” and then looking down at Kendall, “This can’t be about me.” In coming face-to-face with the little girl who lost both of her parents, all of a sudden Barbara set aside anguish she’d been carrying around for nearly two decades. She lovingly took Kendall’s hand and asked her if she’d like to learn how to crochet. Before I set off for the memorial, I gave Kendall a big kiss and told them all to start planning her birthday party celebration. Between the crocheting, party planning and Slutty Co-workers silly antics, I left there knowing Kendall was in very good hands.
“Can I get you another drink?”
“Kurt, I’m fine, really. Please don’t worry about me. Here….” taking his glass, “let me get you one.”
The truth is, I haven’t put a drop of alcohol in my body since the night before Craig died, and with Kendall in my life, I can’t imagine another drop will go in it. I can’t take any chances that something bad will happen. As I’m pouring Kurt a glass of wine and refilling my club soda, I listen to the whisp
ers of questions being thrown around like…
“What do you think will happen to the house?”
“Who’s paying the bills?”
“Should Kendall ever come back here?”
“Should Kendall live here?”
I snap the whisperer of that question a firm look that says HELLS NO, I’M NOT LIVING IN FREAKMONT! But then I turn to Kurt who’s giving me a look of, it might not be such a bad idea if she continues to live in her own house. I sigh and think, yep…gonna be lots and lots of logistics to work out.
All of a sudden, the whispers come to a screeching halt. Well, except for Nicole’s when she murmurs over to Courtney, “Instead of no bawling at this thing, Craig should’ve said, no brawling.” Wondering what she’s talking about, I turn to find Leo standing in the door-way.
It’s been almost two months since I’ve seen him, but instead of running and jumping into his arms, my gaze shifts to Kurt whose eyes are fixated on the man who took his wife away.
My Worst Nightmare
January, 2002
The room is silent, but I can almost hear the clicking of twenty shocked eyeballs shifting between the two men as Kurt and Leo come face-to-face.
Since Leo has already met Guss and Kyle, his eyes impulsively zoom in on Kurt, the husband he’s heard so much about, but never seen in person. When their eyes lock, Kurt’s stance becomes noticeably rigid. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Guss shift slightly toward Kurt and give Kyle an eye roll to do the same. Their ridiculousness triggers my own eye roll.
“Hey, girls…why don’t the two of you go over there and tell the Cobra Kai’s to stand down. We’re all grown-ups here, maybe we should start acting like ones.” Dr. Maria, and I guess now, Dr. Vikki, would be so proud.
As if it’s my twenty-ninth surprise birthday party all over again, my best friends, sans Kelly this time of course, make a beeline for Kurt to try and engage him in meaningless conversation so I can have an important one with Leo.
I thought I knew how much I missed him. But, seeing him in the flesh stirs something inside of me. The same something that stirred the first time I laid eyes on him and every other time since. Forgetting for a moment that Kurt’s eyes are probably glued to the back of my head, impulsively, I walk toward my drug.
Things have been so confusing since Leo and I got back together last March. I had a bout of insecurity about our age difference and a stint of fear of exposing just how normal and boring I can actually be on a regular basis. There was his uncomfortable first encounter with Kendall, the fight between Taddeo and me at my birthday party fiasco, and then the one between him and Taddeo right after my birthday party fiasco. There was the uneasy introduction of him to my best friends and their husbands. Then, after that, there was the shock and chaos of 9/11, Leo’s spontaneous career move that kept him in New York and, of course, the marriage proposal that I feared was a bit sudden.
It isn’t until I’m a few steps away from him that his eyes finally shift from Kurt’s to my own and it worries me. But, hearing his poised voice whisper, “Hi, baby” calms my rattled nerves. And magically, when he wraps his arms around me, all of the confusion of the last nine months disappears.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”
“Why didn’t you ask me to?”
Duh, obviously I didn’t want my old life and my new life to collide.
“I’m sorry. Everything just happened so fast.”
After he glances back at Kurt, “Are you sure that’s it?”
Pulling away and trying to play it cool, “What do you mean?”
He doesn’t have to say a word. His eyes have this mystical ability to speak for him.
“Leo, this has nothing to do with Kurt. This is a memorial service for my friend, and if the two of you can’t put aside whatever it is you have to put aside to make this day be about what it’s supposed to be about, then you’re both a couple of numb nuts.”
“I can do that…for you.” And then he pulls me back into his chest and whispers, “Is it inappropriate to tell you how beautiful you look and that I can’t wait to be alone with you?”
Smiling from ear to ear, “A little bit.” The time alone with him is way over-due, but I need to remind him of something more important and I pull away from his chest to do just that. “I have to pick up Kendall on the way home. I’m sorry, but I don’t think there’s much alone time in our future.”
“All that matters is that I’m with you guys. I’ve missed you so much.” And, with his eyes squarely concentrated on Kurt’s, he kisses me on the forehead before he pulls me back into his chest.
I ask Leo how he even knew the memorial was today. We haven’t talked for days…long before it was even organized.
“Yesterday, when I couldn’t get in touch with you again, I had enough with the not knowing what’s going on. I called the studio and Megan told me about it. So, I flew in.”
“But, I just saw her two hours ago, why didn’t she tell me she talked to you?”
“I told her I wanted to surprise you and asked her to keep it a secret.”
Trying to be cute and coy, “I’m not so sure I like you having secrets with Megan. She used to have a huge crush on you, you know.”
“Yeah well, I don’t like you being in the same room with your ex-husband. Looks like both of us have to put aside our annoyances for the day.”
Cute and coy sure backfired. I tenderly hold up his hands to about mid-chest height, kiss them and tell him how sorry I am for his annoyance and that I’ll do whatever I can to make it up to him. His head tilts down to kiss my hand in return and that’s when all hell breaks loose.
“Chrissy, where’s your ring?”
Holy…shitballs. Leo’s staring at my ring finger and instead of looking at the whopping diamond ring he spent more money on than he has in his bank account; he’s looking at the fifty-five dollar Banana Republic ring he bought for me three and a half years ago. I am soooooo screwed. Either I lie and break the honesty vow that so far I’ve done an impressive job of keeping or I tell the truth and get murdered. Both options put this relationship in jeopardy.
A little louder now. “Chrissy, where’s the ring?”
Leave it to Nicole to start a fire, “What ring?”
I look up and see the entire gang, including Kurt, staring at me. Sensing I’m struggling with an answer, Leo, who now grasps the fact that I’m hiding the wedding from my friends, looks right at Kurt and answers for me.
“Her engagement ring.”
Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Speaking gravely slow, Kurt looks at me and asks, “You’re getting married?”
Then, Nicole and Courtney say in unison, “ALREADY?”
I swear. It’s like I have back-up singers wherever I go. Leo directs my attention back to his face. “I swear to God, if you answer him before you answer me, it’s over.”
I’m in total shock! Leo’s seriously threatening me with a break up if I so much as address Kurt’s question! And, I guess thank God for the shock, because I don’t even know how to answer either one of their questions!
Kurt puts down his drink and very cynically says, “Answer me first then, Chrissy.”
Closing my eyes, I think, Oh, Kurt. Why? Why did you have to say that?
Letting go of my hands, Leo takes a step toward Kurt. “What the hell did you just say?”
Kurt, Guss and Kyle all take a step toward Leo, and my heart literally jumps out of my chest. This has been my worst nightmare since the morning after I met Leo at Buckley’s. The love triangle I created and the jealousies I stirred up would only result in one thing if Kurt and Leo ever came face-to-face: a fight.
I had outlined a list of possible outcomes for myself the moment I knew I was in love with Leo, and because I feared what would happen if my husband and him ever met, number three on that list was the only sensible option: Divorce Kurt and break up with Leo. Back then I knew I had to end it with both of them in order to avoid a moment like this and ri
ght now I wish so badly I had had the courage to do that. I cannot bear to see either one of them get hurt. And dammit…looking at their size and their anger and knowing their pride…someone is about to get very, very hurt.
“STOP! Leo come back! We’ll leave and talk about this at home!”
So calm it has me more worried than I was two seconds ago, he says, “No. If he has something to say, he should say it.” And then all of the men take another step toward each other.
“Courtney, Nicole! Make them stop!”
My friends scramble to their husbands and urge both of them to let Kurt and Leo handle this on their own. If it wasn’t for Kurt telling Kyle and Guss to listen to their wives, I know they wouldn’t have. Now just a few feet away from each other, Leo asks Kurt a different, although just as provoking question, “Do you have a problem?”
“Hey man, no problem here. I mean, I’m not the one who sleeps with married women.”
“Can’t help it if I’m the one married women want to sleep with.”
If the floor were made of sand, I’d bury my head in it.
“Are you fucking kidding me with this? You hear that Chrissy? Sounds like maybe you’re not the only one. Why don’t you tell us Romeo, how many others are there?”
Cool as a cucumber, Leo doesn’t back down. “None. She’s it for me.” And now one step closer, “And I think you need to start accepting the fact that I’m it for her.”
Oh my God, I can’t take this anymore. “LEO! STOP THIS! We’ve all been through enough over the last four years. This isn’t making things better!”
Eyes blazing with rage, Leo turns to address me. “Remember Chrissy, I didn’t start this. You did by not telling me you were married, and now it looks like he doesn’t want to end it.” Then, without warning, Kurt taps Leo on the shoulder, says “You’re right, I don’t,” and then sucker punches him on the chin. There’s nothing my hundred-and-ten-pound-body can do to stop the almost four hundred pounds of force aimed at each other. My screams for them to stop the insanity go unnoticed and with each punch my heart is electrocuted. I close my eyes so I don’t have to look, but I’m tortured by the sound. My hands press firmly over my eyes as I scream uncontrollably for them to stop. Desperate, I run outside to Guss and Kyle and beg them to do something.
The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) Page 16
