“We will, Chrissy, but Kurt said he wanted five minutes.”
Staring widely at them, “LEO COULD KILL HIM IN FIVE MINUTES!”
Alone, I run back inside and find Leo straddling Kurt, but I turn away as fast as possible so I don’t have to see what’s happening. I scramble to the beverage table and one-by-one start throwing bottles of wine on the wall behind them, screaming at the top of my lungs, “YOU’RE KILLING ME!” over and over again. The shards of glass hit both of them and within seconds they scramble to get out of the way. Just then Guss and Kyle run back into the room and help Kurt to his feet. His cheek and chin are already showing signs of black and blue, his left eye has a deep cut, and is already swollen. His shirt is ripped, his hands are bloody, and he’s clearly still full of rage. Guss and Kyle tell him to calm the fuck down and take him outside.
Leo doesn’t appear any different from Kurt and from the looks of things, I’d say the fight was a draw. Unable to move from my bottle throwing spot, I crouch down into a ball and do my best to find a happy place in my mind. Courtney and Nicole rush over to console me, but Leo’s quick to peacefully say, “I’ll take care of her.”
“Come on, baby. It’s over.”
Helping me to my feet, I mumble things like, “Why?” and “Please don’t hurt anyone” and “Make it stop.”
As if enough unfortunate things haven’t already happened in Craig and Kelly’s house, I numbly stare at the broken wine-stained family pictures on the wall. Quivering, I turn to Leo and say, “Look at what you made me do.” Sensing I’m on the precipice of completely crumbling, he picks me up and carries me to the car.
Tousled
January, 2001
The drive back to the cottage was quiet, the only sound coming from Leo’s hand on the fabric of my pants as he rubbed my leg to comfort me. It didn’t help. My nerves only started to calm once I was on my couch and sucking down a cup of the magic tea Kurt brought back from Nepal.
“Chrissy, please talk to me.”
I love him so much, and I hate that he got hurt too, but I’m so upset I can barely look at him.
“I have to go get Kendall.”
“I called Megan and told them they should take her out to dinner. I said you were upset about the memorial…we have some time to talk.”
Dazed, I look at him over the rim of my cup. “Upset?”
Dropping to his knees, he takes the cup and places it on the table. Then, with his bruised hand, he shifts my face to look at him.
“Chrissy, you can’t be mad at me for defending myself.”
My eyes well up as fragments of the nightmare that just came to life before me flicker through my mind. “You could’ve just walked away…let him be the bad guy.”
“That’s not how it works, baby. Guys aren’t wired that way. If someone hits, you have to hit back.”
“Leo, you guys didn’t hit, you destroyed…and for what? Kurt and I are divorced. You and I are getting married. What the hell is there to fight about? The dust was supposed to have been settled.”
Suddenly remembering that he has every right to be mad at me too, he takes his hand away from my chin.
“Oh yeah, Chrissy? If the dust was so settled, why’d you hide your ring from all of them?”
“I guess the engagement just happened so fast for me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I want to marry you, Leo. It’s all I’ve wanted since the moment I met you. But, I felt like it was just one more thing I’d have to explain…defend almost. I’ve been explaining and defending myself to those people for four years. I just wanted more time in a peaceful place. They just met you for God sakes and I knew this would be hard for them.”
“Be honest, Chrissy. This wasn’t about them, it was about Kurt. You were putting his feelings ahead of mine, again.”
Be honest, be honest, be honest. Why the F does everything require so much damn honesty?
“Okay, fine. I didn’t want to hurt him.” Trying to grab his leg as he stands, “But, Leo! You have to understand! He just lost Craig…he’s worried about Kendall! It’s a lot for someone to have to deal with. I didn’t want one more thing for him to…” Oh, crap. I went too far.
“To what? To have to worry about? If all of that dust is supposed to have settled, tell me this Chrissy…why would he have to worry about you getting married?”
Walking to the bathroom to shower the blood off of his body, Leo divulges what I didn’t want to admit to myself, “The dust isn’t settled and you know it.” And then the door slams shut.
I thought I had let Kurt go. After his motorcycle accident, when I begged him to move on…to try and find the love that I had found, I truly thought I left my concern for his happiness behind. I ended my therapy with Dr. Maria with the awareness that my life was starting over. What went wrong? I’m not in love with Kurt anymore, so why do I always find myself back in this space of caring about him? Reaching for my newest addiction, the Nepalese tea, I suck it down and think…maybe I need to pay my old therapist a visit.
Leo exits the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. Despite the major bruising up and down the left side of his rib cage, the red and swollen knuckles and the large cut on his chin, he’s a beautiful man…inside and out. He has never been anything but honest and loyal and loving to me. Will I ever allow myself to be happy with him? Is it even possible for us to be at peace now that all of this guardianship crap exists? If the dust hasn’t settled between Kurt and me, how will it ever even have a chance to with our joint responsibility of Kendall? Yep, I definitely think this psychotically challenged woman has to put aside her pride and call her old friend, Dr. Maria.
“Tell me what you’re thinking?”
“I’m scared.”
“Of what? You know I’ll never let anything happen to you.”
“I’m scared I’m gonna lose you.”
Wrapping his arms around me, “Baby, I might be pissed off right now, but I’m not an idiot. We didn’t come this far to let that happen.” Lifting my chin up with his hand, “Remember…I’ll always be where I know you are.”
“Even if that means I’m at Kurt’s house every few days doing a transfer of Kendall?”
The look on his face screams, you should probably be scared of losing me if that happens.
“Leo, I’m gonna be honest with you.” And why not? If everyone’s throwing punches today, I may as well join in. “He wants her just as much as I do and probably more now after tonight’s boxing match. I’m sorry, but it looks like as long as Kendall’s in my life, Kurt will be too.” In barely a whisper, “If you want the ring back, I understand.”
“Are you kidding me? If I could solder that metal to your finger I would! Chrissy, we’ll figure this out and if it makes you feel better, I won’t hit back if he takes any more swings at me. I’ll just use them to my advantage in court when I try to get us sole custody of Kendall.”
Although he’s trying to lighten the mood, I know he means it. I have to be serious and let him know where I stand on this. Nothing is about me anymore and what I might stand to lose, everything is about Kendall and all that she has to gain.
“Leo, you have to understand something. Kurt was her Dad’s best friend, and he’s just as close to her as I am. He’s also one of the few ties to her parents’ that exists. I have the stories of her mother to tell her, but he’s the one with the stories she’ll need to hear about her father. I know it’s not what you wanna hear, but I want Kendall to be around Kurt as much as she wants to be.”
“Let me get this straight. After how loyal I’ve shown you I am and even though I’m willing to marry you tomorrow and be the best father in the world to her, you’re not even gonna try to get sole custody?”
All I can do is shake my head.
“Then I guess there’s a lot more dust than I bargained for.”
So scared I feel like I can hear my tea cup trembling, “What are you saying?”
“I’m gonna take the red-eye back to New York tonight. Kendall will be
here in an hour and I don’t want her to see me like this.”
“Leo, what do you mean… more than you bargained for?”
“Dammit, Chrissy, it’s so opposite of who I am to have some kind of working relationship with a guy you used to love. If we’re being honest here…Then, yeah a part of me wants to walk away from this.”
Oh my God. He’s slipping away.
“I under-”
“Let me finish. But I know I can’t because you’re like my drug too. I have to dig deep and find a way to deal with this.”
For the first time ever, Leo’s vulnerability does little to calm my nerves. I fear that our relationship is once again on life support.
And with that, he walks into the bathroom to get rid of his towel and then into the bedroom to get dressed.
I stagger into the bathroom for some tissue. Wanting nothing to change until Leo returns home again, I gently push his disheveled towel aside on the bar, careful not to disturb its wet and tousled state.
Uncharitable Heart
January, 2002
I hadn’t seen Kurt since the memorial. Needing to know the answer to the question I asked myself when he provoked Leo, I walk up behind him and ask, “Why did you do that, Kurt?”
Turning to look at me, I see that he’s still pretty banged up from the fight…we all are.
“It’s called pride. I’m sure what’s-his-name had the same answer.”
Sigh…What’s-his-name had the exact same answer. Men are impossible.
“Are you okay?”
“Am I okay with what?”
The thing is, I’m not exactly sure. Do I want to know if he’s okay from the fight or okay with the engagement…or both?”
“I don’t know. I just haven’t talked to you since everything happened, and I was…I guess I was worried about you.”
Letting out a slight mocking laugh, “You’re gonna start worrying about me now? Look, Chrissy, just so you’re clear, I got whatever it was out of my system. I could give a shit about your engagement. I only care about Kendall.” Turning away and looking at her through the window, “Our relationship is only about her. Period. From here on out we start operating like real divorced people. Got it?”
The only thing I’m clear about it is that he’s clearly NOT okay. The dude is pissed and I guess he has every right to be. His high school sweetheart, turned wife, cheated on him and divorced him. His re-bound girlfriend dumped him when he wouldn’t marry her, and then his best friend died. He found out his ex-wife is going to marry the guy she cheated on him with and to add salt to the wound, he found it out from the guy himself at his best friend’s memorial. He lost his marbles at the news, destroyed the memorial and his face and now he has to put aside his rage at all of the above because he might be awarded some kind of custody of his dead best friend’s child that he’ll now have to share with his ex-wife and the new husband. Jesus, all of it makes me feel completely awful and wanting to punch something myself.
“Kurt, I’m so sorry for-”
“Good Lord, Chrissy, just stop already.”
Not wanting this get-together with the gang to turn into another WWF event, I recoil from the heated exchange.
“Okay, okay, you’ve been heard. I guess I should get in there to see if Kendall’s having fun.” Feeling more than a little dejected, I walk away to check on Kendall, but not before I turn and say, “For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re healing nicely.”
“And I’m glad to see you got creative with the birthday party theme.”
This is how Kurt is. He’ll push me to limits with his abrasive honesty and then rescue me from tears with a tiny dose of cynical humor. He never could stay mad at me for long.
Looking into the meditation room, I marvel at my own lack of creativity. “Yeah, hopefully I’ll have more experience with the mother thing before her fifth birthday.”
“I’ll give it to you though…not many kids can say they’ve had a yoga-themed birthday party.”
We’re looking at Kendall’s fourth birthday party though the glass window that separates the meditation room from the lobby. Due to the unfortunate events at the memorial, I decided it would be best to have the party a few weeks late to give everyone a chance to cool off. Joining us for the festivities are, the gang and their kids, Craig’s ancient parents, and Kelly’s now WAY overly medicated mother.
“I guess our first order of business is to get to know all of the kids at the Happy Hearts day care center to avoid a lame party like this from happening again.” Then a thought occurs to me. “But wait…Geez, I guess she won’t be going there anymore. I guess I should look for a pre-school around here, right?”
“Guess we’ll have to see what the attorney says.”
“What do you mean?”
“I dunno…Maybe we should look for a pre-school around my house.”
The new mama bear in me is now unleashed.
“Hold on, first of all we both know Kendall should live with me, and second of all, you don’t even have a house!”
“I’ll have a house in a month, and I’m not so sure it’s best for Kendall to live with you anymore.”
“Kurt…you don’t have to act like this. I didn’t do anything wrong by getting engaged!”
“Chrissy, I don’t have time to list all of the things you’ve done wrong. Excuse me, looks like they need help bringing in the yoga mat cake.” And then he walks away.
“Let him go, hunny.”
I turn to see Slutty Co-worker and Megan in the office. They were so sweet to come in today to help me set up. Now that the whole gang knows I’m now engaged, there’s no need to keep my worlds separated anymore. There aren’t any more secrets…right now.
“What’s his problem? It’s not like I’m the one who punched him.”
“Aren’t you though?”
Looking at Megan like she’s got a lot of nerve for saying that, she’s quick to defend her words. “Chrissy, it’s like the guy can’t catch a break. C’mon, you said it yourself a thousand times, he didn’t deserve what you did to him. Crap, you’ve been begging him to feel something for like fifteen years, let him feel this anger.”
“You know what, you’re right.”
“And you know what YOU’RE right about?” Taking another sip, “This tea you brought in…It’s the bomb! Where the heck did you get it?”
“Kurt bought it in Nepal when he was there for some charity, camping, mountain climbing, first-aid bullshit thing.”
Noticeably more impressed with the charity thing than she is with the tea, Megan sits upright in her chair. “Wow, Nepal. I’ve always wanted to go to a third world country and do something like that.”
I look at Slutty Co-worker, who’s wrapping her lips around a limp balloon like she’s going down on a man, and ask, “What about you?”
She pulls away, “What about me?”
“Would you go to Nepal for charity?”
“What do the men in Nepal look like exactly?”
Frustrated with our uncharitable hearts, Megan chimes in with, “I’m serious you guys. We should do that!”
In unison, Slutty Co-worker and I say, “Do what?”
“We have so much extra fabric in the back room, we could make clothes and send them to poor people! I know Barbara would totally be up for it.”
Before she dives back into her balloon, Slutty says, “No shit, she’d be up for it! She’s one of those Berkeley-giver-people!”
Megan appeals to me to take her seriously. But I annoy her even more when I curiously ask, “Can we make money doing that?”
At my preposterously selfish question, the balloon releases from Slutty’s mouth, flies over our heads and deflates. Laughing her ass off, she mocks, “No Leona Helmsly! That’s why they call it charity!” But, there’s not a trace of a smile on Megan’s over-achieving, catholic college alumni, fashion designer face.
“I’m serious, Chrissy! Would you mind if I talked to Kurt about which charity organization he used for his
trip? So many of them can be scams.”
Thinking of how weird that would be, I shake my head, “No way!”
“C’mon, it might cheer him up.”
Staring at him while he swings Kendall around in a circle, my heartstrings get pulled in a million directions.
“I dunno, Megan. It could get weird.”
“Oh, c’mon! Think about the tax right off you’ll get!”
I knew there had to be a perk. As I walk out of the office to re-join the party, I yell out, “His number’s in my rolodex!”
How will we smile ever again
I'm asking you sincerely, my dear old friend
What do you say, is there a way
My dear old friend
How will we laugh just like before
When there's water rising up to our door
And we may never see each other again
My dear old friend
(My Dear Old Friend, Patty Griffin)
What the Heck?
January, 2002
Kendall’s birthday party ended on a somber note. After she made her birthday wish and blew out the candles, her eyes slowly scanned the room. We all knew she was looking for Craig. If it wasn’t for Barbara’s awkward timing of popping in to surprise Kendall with her very own big girl crochet starter kit, everyone would’ve burst into tears. While loading Kendall’s presents into my car, my work friends and my best friends, who were more than excited about finally meeting, talked about a girl’s night out to get to know each other better. The idea of it gave me the heeby jeebies, and I said I’d get back to them with a convenient date…which will be NEVER! Work has always been, and always will be, my refuge from all of the shit I stir up outside of it, and I feel an intense need to keep it that way.
The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) Page 17
