“It’s yours, you big dummy!”
I begin searching my pockets for the sound, but I can’t find it. It just keeps getting louder and louder.
“Kel, why won’t it stop?”
“Oh, it’s about to stop alright.”
The annoying ringing pulls me out of my dream and my eyes slowly crack open only to quickly wince shut again. Oh man, my head…it’s pounding. Smacking my tongue around my dry mouth…it’s like freakin’ cotton, dipped in peanut butter, wrapped in tissue paper. Jesus, that noise…is that my cell phone? Eyes still closed, I reach down to grab it out of my back pocket where I’m pretty sure I last put it. Suddenly, my eyes snap wide open.
“WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY PANTS?”
Startled by mumbling, I quickly turn over to see my ex-husband lying next to me…shirtless.
“OMIGOD, WHY ARE YOU IN HERE WITH ME? WAIT, WHY AM I EVEN HERE?
A very groggy Kurt, tells me to turn off my phone.
“I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE HELL MY PHONE IS, KURT!”
“Oh, good…it stopped.”
“NO! NOT GOOD! NONE OF THIS IS GOOD! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED LAST NIGHT? ”
Just then a very sweet Kendall, in her very sweet Dora the Explorer pajamas, bounces into what I think is Kurt’s bedroom, and she’s holding my cell phone.
“I find her, Weo. Yes, sweeping with Ku-Ku.”
WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Forgetting about my head pain and thirst, I leap out of bed and grab the phone from Kendall’s tiny hands. As calmly as possible, I tell her to go and pick out any cookies she wants to eat for breakfast and then I run into the bathroom.
“Leo! It’s me. I’m right here. Sorry about that.”
“Did I just hear what I thought I heard?”
“Huh? What’s that?”
OMIGOD, OMIGOD, OMIGOD, OMIGOD!
“Chrissy, what did Kendall just say?”
“Oh, that? I was sweeping when you called and…I guess…I guess I didn’t hear my phone.”
“Sweeping… at seven in the morning?”
“Yeah, tons to do with the move and all. Just getting an early start.”
“It’s Saturday. Kendall’s not supposed to be with you.”
“Right, uhhh, there was a last minute schedule change.”
“Were you sweeping with a cuckoo clock in your hands?”
“What? That’s funny, why the heck would you say that?”
“Kendall said you were sweeping with Ku-Ku. That’s what she calls Numb Nuts, right?”
OMIGOD, OMIGOD, OMIGOD, OMIGOD!
“You know…Gosh, I don’t really remember what she calls him.”
The line is silent for a God awful uneasy amount of time before he speaks again.
“I think you’re lying to me.”
I am and I don’t want to because I made a vow that I wouldn’t, but how do I get out of what I don’t even know quite yet what I’m supposed to get out of? FUCK ME! Oh, geez! I take that back! Please don’t let me have been fucked! Pleeeeeeeeease Jesus, who I promise I’ll start believing in RIGHT NOW! Please, please, please don’t let me have been fucked!
“Chrissy, if I fly home right now and ask Kendall if she was with you at the cottage this morning and you were sweeping, what would she say?”
Looking at myself in Kurt’s bathroom mirror, wearing nothing but a tank top and underwear, I know I’m fucked…just hopefully not for the second time in twelve hours.
“She’d say…she’d say…”
“Would she say you were at the cottage?”
Closing my eyes, “No.”
So calm it’s scaring the crap out of me, he continues, “Would she say you were sweeping with a broom when she handed you the phone?”
My body is now trembling, I’m biting my lower lip, my eyes are closed and my head is shaking “No,” but the word won’t come out of my mouth.
Calm is now gone. “CHRISSY, WERE YOU IN HIS BED?”
“Leo, please…nothing happened. I came to drop her off and--”
“ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION!”
In barely a whisper, I croak, “Yes.” For almost a minute, the line is completely silent and then, now jarringly composed, he says, “I was calling to tell you how sorry I was that I couldn’t reach you yesterday and to make sure you got your birthday present, but it looks like you were busy getting another one.”
“Leo, It’s not like that. Please, I can explain--”
“You don’t get to do that anymore, Chrissy. I’m only gonna say this once, so pay real close attention. Do not ever contact me again. Do you understand me?”
“No, Leo! Please! It’s not what it seems like! DON’T DO THIS!”
“I’m doing this.” And then the line went dead.
Numb
August, 2002
What have I done?
My eyes drift in the direction of the soft knocking on the bathroom door, but I’m too numb to move.
“Chrissy, come on out.”
You.
“Can you hear me in there?”
Bad, bad things happen when there’s exposure to you. I knew that. How could I have been so stupid?
“I’m putting your clothes by the door.” I hear Kurt shuffle around and then the bedroom door slams shut.
After getting dressed, I splash cold water on my face, but it does nothing to clear my head or wash away the shame. This can’t be happening. I won’t accept it. I’m going to walk out of this bathroom and Kurt will tell me I simply fell asleep out of pure exhaustion. That has to be what happened last night. I open the bathroom door and immediately my eyes focus on an empty bottle of wine on the nightstand. God dammit, that’s not what happened last night. Disgusted, I make my way to the kitchen where I find Kurt.
“Where’s Kendall?”
“I put a movie on for her in her room so we could talk.” Handing me a cup of coffee, “Here, I made this for you.”
“I don’t want any fucking coffee. I wanna know what the hell you did to me.”
“Whoa, hold on! I didn’t to a damn thing to you!”
“Then how do you explain me waking up, in your bed, without any clothes on?”
“That was all you, Chrissy.”
“What do you mean, ‘allllll me?’ I’m engaged to be married, for Christ sakes!”
“Oh, that’s right, silly me! I forgot that your moral compass works properly when you’re engaged. It’s when you’re married that it craps out!”
Slamming the coffee cup on the counter, I want to say “How dare you!” Instead, I rest my head in my hands and whisper my pain.
“What have I done?”
“We had a good time for once, that’s all.”
“And it cost me…my engagement.”
“What are you talking about?”
Ignoring him, I talk softly to myself.
“In his mind, just being in your house is justification for ending it with me, and I knew that, so how could I have been so stupid?”
He continues to sip his coffee and listen to my shame.
“Here I am, the failure, the cheater…the bad guy. The big three I never wanted to be all over again.”
I look up at him, expecting some kind of feedback. Still, he says nothing.
“I thought things were gonna work out for all of us. I mean, despite all of the shit I put us through; I really thought we could have good lives. I thought I was gonna be able to give Kendall everything she deserves, and I thought I could be the partner to Leo he deserves. Even you…I thought you were finally free to find the love you deserve and in one night I fuck it all up for everyone. Well, maybe I didn’t fuck it up for you. It’s not like anyone got hurt because…” And then I start to cry, “…because we slept together last night.”
“He thinks we slept together?”
“Duh! Look where I was when he called!”
“And he called off your engagement?”
“Are you listening to a God damn word I’m saying?”
/>
He’s just staring at me…Defiant. Saying nothing.
“Oh my God, that kiss never should’ve happened!”
I start pacing the room.
“The pieces of last night fall apart for me right after we looked at that stupid picture. You were telling me how much you fucked up my life and then you kissed me… What happened next, Kurt?”
“You pulled away and we drank two more bottles of wine, that’s what happened.”
“How the hell did I get in your bed, WITHOUT MY PANTS?”
“You were hot and started complaining about me being too cheap to use my air-conditioning, which I am, and then you took them off.”
Oh, Jesus.
“That doesn’t explain how I got into your bed!”
“You put yourself there.”
Son of a bitch.
“But, why were you there with me?”
“Sometimes Kendall wakes up with nightmares and it’s the place she knows to find me. You were too drunk to hear a freight train hit the house, so I stayed in there just in case she needed me.”
“Couldn’t you have slept on the floor?”
“Would it have mattered in the end result? You just said yourself he was gonna end it with you just for being in my house.” Then his mood shifts to the irritated. “Besides, it’s my house. You should’ve slept on the damn floor.”
Ignoring his comment, my mind starts racing with ideas. Maybe Kurt can call Leo and tell him nothing happened. Maybe he can tell him I got sick with the stomach flu when I dropped her off and I had to stay! I mean, he can even tell him I shit my pants for all I care! I’ll put my humiliation aside if it means I can have Leo back. I might’ve vowed to never lie to Leo, but Kurt didn’t! Maybe this can get fixed!
“I know you, Chrissy, and I know exactly what you’re thinking. But, stop because I’m not getting involved in this.”
“But, Kurt! Hear me out…if you tell him nothing happened, then he might forgive me.”
Out of nowhere Kurt punches the kitchen cabinet and yells, “WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WANT HIM TO FORGIVE YOU?”
“Oh my God, what is wrong with you?”
“What’s wrong with me? Jesus, Chrissy…are you seriously telling me you don’t remember anything that happened after that kiss? You don’t remember what I told you?”
“I remember we went to the couch…reminisced about old times…I think I got emotional. Oh my God, did we do it on the couch, or in your bed?”
My eyes are zooming around the room, my head is shaking defiantly, my heart rate is sky rocketing. There is no way I would ever do that! I would never betray Leo like that. NEVER! Would I?
Literally getting on my hands and knees, I start to beg him, “Please, Kurt, please just tell him nothing happened!”
Pouring himself another cup of coffee, “Let me get this straight. You want me to call the guy you cheated on me with when I was your husband and tell him you didn’t cheat on him with me? What do you take me for?”
“Kurt, I’m begging you. If you don’t do something you’ll ruin my marriage!”
“Oh yeah…WELL YOU RUINED MINE!”
It’s silent for several minutes as Kurt tries to calm down and I try to piece together last night. Am I lonelier than I thought I was? Is it possible that I slipped and slept with Kurt in a moment of weakness? No! No! No! I would never jeopardize what I have with Leo. Not in a million years.
Out of anger for forgetting that bad, bad things happen when there’s exposure to Kurt and that I exposed myself to him, I lash out at him like never before.
“The day I divorced you was the end of the days when you could make me crazy. Never talk to me about anything other than Kendall, ever again. Never talk to me about our past or tell me about your future, but mostly NEVER talk to me about what happened last night.”
He says nothing, but I continue, “I will find a way to get Leo to forgive me without your help. Mark my word...I will have everything I ever wanted.”
I grab my purse and attempt to walk out of the kitchen, but he grabs my arm to stop me.
“Let’s just calm down and talk about this for a minute.”
“CALM DOWN? I wish I never went to that graduation party in 1986! If I hadn’t, there never would’ve been a fucking Life List. I could’ve been anything, had I not met you! Maybe I would’ve gone to a better college, like the one you talked me out of going to! Or, maybe I never even would’ve gone to college! Maybe I would’ve gone to Los Angeles to be an actress, or maybe I would’ve become a painter or an author! I never would’ve gotten pregnant and I NEVER would’ve had an abortion, and I never, never, never would’ve married you or had to get a divorce! YOU RUINED MY LIFE SO DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!”
On that note, I yell good-bye to Kendall and walk out of the house. On the short drive back to my cottage I wonder how the hell I’m going to get Leo to forgive me, panicked that it’s probably impossible. But, there’s no way I’m going down without a fight. First thing when I get home, I’ll shower and then call him. No, I’ll call him first. No, maybe I should send him an email. No, I’ll-
“Ho-ly Shit.”
Inching into my driveway, I park right next to a brand spanking new silver Porsche Carrera, complete with a big red bow on top, just like you see in those sickening Christmas commercials. With shaky knees, I exit my car and walk over to the card taped to the windshield and open it.
Happy Birthday, baby. I told you I could make all of your dreams come true. Seventeen days until we’re together again. I love you. Leo
Wait, What?
August, 2002
“A Porsche?”
I lift my heavy head from my desk and nod.
“A brand new one?”
Speaking painfully slow, I exhale, “So new, I could still smell the bratwurst on the breath of the German who put it together.”
“Ouch. Did you try to call him?”
“Seven times. He never picked up.”
“Did you leave a message?”
“Just one. I said I can explain if he’d just call me back.”
The minute after I read the card that was taped to the Porsche, I ran into the cottage, took a quick shower, got back in my car, called Slutty Co-worker and Megan, drove to the yoga studio, and while I waited for them to arrive, I attempted to contact Leo.
“Of course I can’t think of a fucking explanation, so I guess it’s a good thing he hasn’t called me back yet.”
Staring at my co-workers stunned faces, I plead for some kind of advice.
“There has to be a way out of this, right? I mean, he’ll forgive me when he finds out nothing happened, won’t he?”
“How do you know nothing happened?”
I snap at Slutty Co-worker, “Because I’d never cheat on Leo!”
“I dunno, hunny. If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that I’ve never woken up without my pants on and didn’t have sex.”
Megan chimes in with, “Wait, what?” And then snaps, “You don’t actually think she slept with Kurt, do you?”
Ignoring her, Slutty Co-worker attacks my problem like she’s on freakin’ Law & Order.
“How does your huha feel? Like…is it sore or anything?”
Megan, who’s uncharacteristically unsupportive of my latest Chrissygan, has apparently had enough of my love drama and abruptly leaves my office. I look at Slutty like she’s the reason for her departure.
“Okay…one, you’ve offended the poor girl and, two…YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME WITH THAT QUESTION!”
“No actually, I’m not! Do a couple of squats right now...you’ll know if something was in that thing last night.”
“I’ve been taking yoga classes from you for the last two years! Of course my huha is sore! IT’S ALWAYS SORE!”
“Take a deep breath and think real hard, hunny. Was there any…you know… gunk in your trunks this morning? You know…something sort of crunchy.”
“Are you literally asking me if I woke up with a crunchy hu
ha?”
“Well, you’re the one who needs to know for sure!”
“No, psycho! What I need to know is if you think Leo will forgive me!”
“That depends on what you’re expecting him to forgive.”
Throwing my head in my hands in total disgust, I whimper, “So you think I might’ve actually slept with Kurt.”
“How much did you drink?”
“A lot.”
“How long since you’ve had sex?”
“A long time.”
“And what was Kurt telling you before he kissed you?”
“Everything I wanted to hear.”
“Where did you wake up this morning?”
“In his bed.”
“And what were you wearing?”
“Almost nothing.”
“Hate to say it, but it’s not looking so good in sex court.”
I’m scared that she might be right and getting Leo to forgive me for merely being inside of Kurt’s house, let alone the fact that I slept in his bed, is about as likely as my dear old slutty friend abstaining from sex for the rest of her life.
After a long sigh and a discouraging head shake, Slutty Co-worker then walks up behind me and starts to massage my shoulders.
“Hate to say it, doll, but what you’ve got here is a full blown relationship crisis and we all know relationships aren’t my expertise. I think there’s only one person who can talk you through this mess.”
And I think she’s right. I leave the studio and head back to my cottage where I find that my dream car has already been taken away. I guess while I was trying to call Leo, he was busy on the phone with the dealership. I rip the notice off of my front door instructing me to call Peninsula Porsche if I have seventy-five thousand dollars to buy it back, drop my purse on the ground and head right to the phone. No need to look up the phone number, it’s tattooed on my brain. It rings five times before the familiar voice prompts me to leave a message.
“It’s me. Everything has fallen apart again. Leo’s back in New York, but unlike before, this time I’ve done something so unforgivable that I don’t think he’s ever coming back. I also don’t think there’s anything you can do to change the situation. I just need some advice and…a friend to talk to.”
The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) Page 23
