After hanging up, I walk uneasily toward the dirty clothes I had on this morning. With my eyes closed I reach down and pick-up the underwear. Tensely cracking open one eye, I search for some kind of reassurance that I’m not as horrible of a person as I’m beginning to think I am.
Following (adjective) fol*low*ing:
Coming after in time or sequence
I don't wanna see, I don't wanna see anything
I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be lost again
I don't wanna walk, I don't wanna walk far from you
I just wanna live, wanna live just like you do
(Grace, Saving Jane)
Big Gaping Hole
September 11, 2002
Today has been a day of many, many unexpected surprises and it started with my rude awakening from that dream I had with Kelly when I stood up to flag down the waiter at Chili’s and my pregnant belly bashed into the table causing our drinks to spill everywhere.
Sure, Kelly’s been showing up in my sleep a lot over the last year and she’s been making a lot of jokes that a baby was on my horizon. But, I have never in my life experienced being that pregnant and it felt so freakishly real. I woke clutching my stomach in panic thinking for sure something was growing in there. What I experienced in my sleep…well, it’s just a whole new element of weirdness that I can’t make any sense out of.
What bothered me most about the dream is that it painted a painfully realistic picture of what my life would’ve been like had I never sat down next to Leo at Buckley’s that January night in 1998. There’s no doubt in my mind that had I never met him, I wouldn’t have realized how truly, madly and deeply miserable I was as Mrs. Gibbons. There’s no doubt in my mind that I would’ve ultimately ended up pregnant with Kurt’s baby and eating at a Chili’s with my best friend as we planned a lame camping trip, while my obliviously adventurous husband was off at some stupid pilot training course in Nevada. I most likely would’ve stuck with my life list.
My day of unexpected surprises continued after the dream, on my drive into the studio. I wasn’t prepared to see so many American flag-waving patriots paying tribute to the anniversary of 9/11, and I wasn’t prepared for the emotional response it set off inside me. I felt overwhelming sadness for the victims of the tragedy, and for the first time since waking in Kurt’s bed, I felt no sadness for myself. How could anyone who’s alive and who has the potential to live a good life ever feel sorry for themselves when remembering 9/11? But, when the flag-waving patriots became a blurred image in my rearview mirror, the image of waking in Kurt’s bed catapulted to the forefront of my mind, causing me to hate those Muslim extremists more than ever. Had 9/11 never happened, Leo never would’ve left to help Taddeo. He never would’ve left me…leaving open that small window of opportunity for Kurt to creep back into my life and wreck it.
When I got to the studio, the girls tried their best to make me feel better about my wrecked life. Well, most of them. Something is definitely up with Megan since the fiasco at Kurt’s house, and she’s been unusually quiet about what may or may not have happened in his bed. But the other two gals…they showered me with support. Barbara, even going so far to say what might’ve happened that night wasn’t entirely my fault. I love her for it, but she knows just as well as I do that my latest Chrissygan was a bombshell that only I’m responsible for. Yep, getting drunk at Kurt’s house pretty much ruined my life.
Hitting up the cemetery today might not have been the best idea since it was already such an emotional one with all of the 9/11 business, but freaking Nicole and her crazy doctor schedule gave me no other choice. As usual, I enjoyed my fake conversation with Kelly, but it gave me no insight into the dream I had about being pregnant and no hope that I’d ever get Leo back. What were her exact imaginary words again? Oh yeah, “Getting him back might be just as difficult as getting me back.” Great.
I didn’t have the courage to admit my latest Chrissygan to Courtney and Nicole. Until I get some answers, it’s best to keep them in the dark…where I still remain myself. I guess the upside about going to the cemetery is that I got to put a beer on Craig’s tombstone and see him and Kelly close together. As gross as it sounds, it brought me a little peace.
The unexpected surprises continued at my last stop of the day--Kurt’s house. It was the first time I saw him since that wretched night a little over two weeks ago. Oddly enough, despite how weird Megan’s been, she offered to pick-up Kendall the Sunday after it happened and deliver her back to him on Friday, so I could have a few more days to cool off. But, unfortunately Megan had to go to New York for work, and I was forced to face him at pick-up today.
For the life of me, I can’t figure out why was he so damn nice to me when I went there. I mean, I basically threatened him with his life when I stormed out of his house that morning. But there he was with his million dollar smile, open...willing almost to talk about what happened. But I have no desire to rehash the bad choices I made that led to the big gaping hole in my heart, and I’m more than happy to leave the question of “Did I sleep with Kurt?” unanswered for the rest of my life. There’s no point in knowing, other than to hate myself even more, if the answer is what I fear. So this evening I left Kurt’s house in another blaze of anger.
Once back at the cottage, it looked like things had tapered off into the boring and predictable with Kendall’s corn dog dinner and bubble bath, but then the most unexpected thing of the day happened when I tucked her into bed.
In the nine months since I’ve had guardianship of Kendall, I’ve never heard her refer to her mother as being dead. In fact, unless I bring Kelly up, she hardly ever comes up. So, it really threw me when during our game of eye spy with my little eye, she said, “Cuz I’m spyin’ somedin’ dat’s dead.” As she looked at her mother’s picture.
Taking the framed photo off of the nightstand, I sit beside Kendall to have the talk I’ve been dreading.
“You know who this is, right?”
“Yes.”
“Do you wanna talk about your mommy?”
“I don’t know her, do I?”
“I guess you really don’t, huh?”
Almost shamefully, she shakes her head.
Wrapping my arm around her delicate little shoulders, “Would you like me to tell you some stories about your mommy?”
“Can’t you just…be my mommy?”
I just remembered there was something very important I failed to cover in my sessions with Dr. Vikki. THIS!
Looking over at Kelly’s picture, I silently tell her how very sorry I am for what I’m about to say.
“Sweetheart...I…I can be your mommy. If that’s what you want.”
With a single tear streaming down her cheek, she whispers, “I just wanna be like my fwends.”
Knowing it’s all Kelly wants for her too, I spring into action.
“Then, you know what, Sweetheart? We can make it happen, right now!”
Reaching across her bed, I grab the magic wand that she was playing with earlier. “Here! All you have to do is wave that thing, cast a spell, and I’ll officially be your mommy. I mean…if that’s what you want.”
“Looking at Kelly’s picture, “But, will she be mad at me?”
“No way! Your mommy in the picture was my best friend in the whole wide world and she trusted me to give you all of the love and attention you deserve. That’s why you’re my…you’re my…”
“Ki-Ki, why are you crying?”
“Oh, they’re happy tears, Kendall. You see, I’ve always wanted a daughter.”
And given the recent course of events in my life, you’ll no doubt be the only one I’ll ever have.
“Then, it’s magical, Ki-Ki!”
“How’s that?”
“Because I’ve always wanted a Mommy!”
Wiping the tears off of my face, I jump up on the bed and announce, “Well, what are we waiting for then? Wave that wand and let’s make it official!”
Hopping out of her blankets and now
standing on the bed, Kendall starts waving the wand around my head.
“Hocus pocus, swammi Tommy, make Ki-Ki my…MOMMY!”
After she thumps me on the head with the wand, we stare at each other with wide eyes.
“Do you feel any different?”
Her eyes are darting around the room searching for some kind of new feeling.
“Nope. Do you?”
“Nope and you know why?”
“Why?”
Poking her in the tummy, “Because I’ve already been your mommy for a really long time! And now, like all good mommies are supposed to do, it’s time for me to tuck you into bed!”
After stuffing her under the covers like a burrito, Kendall excitedly asks, “When do I start calling you Mommy?”
Kissing her forehead, “That’s up to you, sweetheart.”
Just as the door to the bedroom is about to close, she blurts out, “Will Weo be my daddy when he comes back or should I wave my wand at Ku-Ku?”
Oh, Christ.
“Well…I…I think we have some time to figure that out.”
“Can I have two?”
“Lots of kids have two dads. The only rule I have as your…mommy…” Her giggle tells me how much she enjoyed that, “…is when the time comes to pick one...or two, we get to decide together. Sound good?”
“Soopa doopa good!”
“Sweet dreams, hunny.”
“I’m gonna dweam about snipes and my brand new backyard! What are you gonna dweam about?”
Relieved that I already turned out the light so she can’t see my sullen face, I speak softly. “Most likely the exact same thing.”
“Ki-Ki?”
“Yes, Kendall?”
“How many more days until Weo gets home?”
“Soon, sweetie…soon.”
After closing the door to the bedroom, I stagger to the kitchen sink to splash cold water on my face, hoping it’ll magically wash away the mistake I made. A mistake that looks like it’s about to prevent Kendall from getting everything she deserves. But, minutes later, as I quietly sip my tea, nothing magical happens, there’s only bitter acceptance that I royally screwed everything up.
Now, resting my body against the very countertop that Leo placed me on a few years ago, I let out a deep sigh and think about how good it is that Kendall has two million bucks in the bank. She’s going to need it to buy herself a nice house with a big backyard, because I sure as hell can’t afford to keep the one I bought for her now that I’m…alone.
Done
September, 2002
The yellow ribbons are still tied to the over ramps, but the people from yesterday who stood next to them waving their American flags are all gone. They’ve returned to their lives...probably nice normal unadulterated ones too.
I did a good job of hiding my latest Chrissygan from Nicole and Courtney at the cemetery yesterday, but it’ll only be a matter of time before Kurt tells their husbands what happened. I’ll deal with it when the stupid ass cat gets out of the bag. I have much bigger fish to fry right now. And the conversation I had with Kelly at the cemetery yesterday did little to make me think the fish fry would be easy. Her imaginary voice of reason continues to haunt me. “Getting him back might be just as difficult as getting me back.” Even Kendall’s Magic 8 ball gave me a reading of “outlook not good” this morning when I asked it if Leo would ever forgive me.
After I drop Kendall at pre-school, I decide to make a self-deprecating stop at the new house to water the flowers I planted in the front yard just two days before the bottom fell out of my life…again. As I’m lost in a daze with the hose, neighbors who I’ve already become fond of pass by and ask, “When’s the big move in day?” I just shrug and murmur unintelligible jibber jabber.
To no avail, I’ve now left about fifty phone messages for Leo. He’s a smart and responsible man, so I know he’s fully aware of the financial burdens that are about to hit me with the new mortgage and the extended lease we signed on the cottage. But I’m starting to get nervous that my latest Chrissygan has made him not give a crap. And then I stare down at my ring. I can’t bear to take it off, which is ironic seeing as though I barely wore it the first few months I had it. And why? Oh, right…because I was trying to protect Numb Nuts from getting hurt. And what did that get me? Abso-freaking-NOTHING! And what did it get me for feeling sorry for him when I found the picture of his college graduation? It got me drunk! Everything I do and say to protect Kurt’s feelings leads to a disaster. It always has and it always will. So why do I do it? Looking down at my watch, “Maybe I’ll finally figure out the answer to that question in about an hour.”
As I’m turning off the hose, I hear my cell phone. Cranking the nozzle faster and then making a run for it, I’m too late. It stops ringing by the time I get to my car. Picking it off of the passenger seat, I scroll through the missed calls and my heart literally stops when I see the number. It’s a New York prefix! I hit the send button and hold my breath as the line rings and rings and rings and then…
“Hi, Chrissy.”
That’s certainly not the voice I wanted to hear.
“Did you call to yell at me? Because if you did, I really don’t think I can handle it right now, Taddeo.”
“I didn’t call to yell at you.”
It’s a shock and a relief all at the same time. It’s shelief.
“Then please tell me he’s on his way here to talk to me and you’re calling to tell me to pick him up at the airport.”
“He’s not on his way.”
“I swear nothing happened! Please tell me he believes that.”
“Chrissy…”
“Damn it, Taddeo! Please tell me what to do!”
“Let him go.”
“I can’t!”
Obviously uncomfortable, he clears his throat. “Look, I actually believe you when you say nothing happened with that guy because I’ve seen how much you love Leo. But, Chrissy…for some reason you can’t let go of your past and it’s fucking him up.”
“I’m not holding onto anything and--”
“Listen…I’m calling to tell you he thinks it’s best to cut ties like this. He said you can tell Kendall whatever you want, but he won’t be coming back.”
“No! She adores him and--”
“That’s up to you to deal with. Look, he’s done. I’m sorry. As far as the house goes, you can buy him out by covering half of the down payment and assume the loan, or you can…”
Slumping down to the curb, I stop hearing everything Taddeo’s saying. I stop seeing my new neighbors. I stop feeling. He’s done. It’s over. I believe it this time.
“Chrissy! Hello….Are you there?”
“I…I think so.”
“I know it’s a lot to figure out right now. Maybe talk to the real estate agent about your options. Leo’s been in touch with her, and she knows what’s going on.”
Great. My agent knows my fiancé left me. He’s done. It’s over. I believe it this time.
“Can I talk to him?”
“Not gonna happen.”
“If you could just convince him to talk to me…He’ll listen to you! I know he will!”
“Chrissy, I tried, and you might not believe me, but I told him to listen to what you had to say. I’m his best friend…I hate seeing him go through this shit. But he doesn’t…”
“He doesn’t what?”
“He doesn’t trust you…for like, the tenth time.”
After a long moment of silence, I take a deep breath and ask, “He’s done?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s over?”
“…Yeah.”
“I believe it this time.”
“Sorry, Chrissy.”
“How come you’re being so nice to me all of a sudden?”
“I dunno. Guess it’s tough to beat someone when they’re down. Or, maybe it’s all of the 9/11 anniversary stuff. ”
“Can’t believe it’s been a year. How are you holding up?”
&nbs
p; I surprise myself by asking the unselfish question…and in the midst of my crisis. Maybe I’m growing up after all.
“It’s been tough. Couldn’t have done it without Leo. Maybe I feel a little guilty about that. I mean, if he didn’t have to come here…”
“You didn’t do this, Taddeo. It was all me.” After a long pause, “Can you tell him something for me?”
“Sure.”
“Tell him I know I betrayed his trust and I don’t blame him for reacting like this.”
“Okay.”
“Tell him I know I don’t deserve him.”
“Okay.”
“Taddeo?”
“Yes?”
“Please tell him I’ll always love him.”
Tough Love
September, 2002
Not a thing has changed since the last time I was here. And since I’m here…it seems not even me. The chairs are the same barfy mauve color. The art is the same garage sale looking crap. Even the same old tattered magazines are sitting on the shitty table. The only thing different about the room is that there’s no Sad Frumpy Lady. Nope, Barbara’s at work right now. Barbara’s a normal functioning human being. Barbara isn’t a colossal fuck up that has to return to therapy because Barbara doesn’t repeat the same mistakes in her life. Barbara’s made some actual progress that-- My internal tirade is abruptly interrupted by the familiar squeak of the door that leads from the offices to the lobby. I lift my head and am at once comforted that perhaps I’m about to make some actual progress too. Peering at me over the rim of her glasses, Dr. Maria exhales, “What did you do now, Chrissy?”
After an embrace that feels more like one shared between a mother and a daughter than a therapist and her patient, we walk silently back to her office. After I settle into my usual spot on the old grey couch, I look up at Dr. Maria and shake my head in total disbelief that I’m here.
The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) Page 24
