The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy)

by Chrissy Anderson

  In classic Kelly style there wasn’t any long drawn out dramatic explanation for making the videos, no mention of cancer or death, nor was there any gooshy pronouncement of her love for anyone or anything. Knowing time was of the essence, she got right to the point. She spoke of temper tantrums and healthy snacks and requested that Kendall be read to every single night and taken to the library at least once a week. Eyes still closed, I let out a little, “Uh-oh.” She encouraged Craig to keep his cool during the times when Kendall would test him and reminded him that she never yelled and hardly used profanity and expected him to follow her model. Knowing I’d dropped the S bomb in front of Kendall at least twenty times, I whispered, “Oh crap.” Then, Kelly moved on to the importance of staying ahead of Kendall’s needs and that’s when my eyes finally opened, literally and figuratively. When she said the words, “Never let Kendall’s demands get ahead of what you’ve planned, even if it means losing sleep and blowing off your friends. Your life and hers will only be as calm as you make it,” I froze. It’s exactly what I needed to hear, and I paused the video to think long and hard about her message.

  For so many months, I’ve been terrified to watch the videos. I didn’t think I had it in me to look at my best friend who knew she was going to die. My best friend, who knew she would not live to see the day her daughter turned four. But I forgot how strong Kelly was, and I underestimated her reasoning. She made these videos in the midst of chaos, knowing her family’s life could only be as calm as she designed it to be. And now that I’m in the midst of a little chaos of my own, there is so much I can learn from them. Now that Kendall’s turning five next month, and now that I’m going to have my own child, I can’t afford to let the videos gather anymore dust. As much as Kendall needs the information on them, I do too.

  Pressing play, the video cut to Kelly reading Kendall’s favorite book, Goodnight Moon.

  “…In a great green room, tucked away in bed, is a little bunny. ‘Goodnight room, goodnight moon.’ And to all the familiar things in the softly lit room--to the picture of the three little bears sitting in chairs, to the clocks and his socks, to the mittens and the kittens, to everything one by one--he says goodnight.”

  And then, without shedding a tear, my strong friend said, “Good night Sweetheart. I love you, and I’m always with you.”

  I walked to Kendall’s room and repeated the words to her in her sleep, and then headed back to my new bed with plans to fall fast asleep before thoughts of Leo high-jacked my mind, but I made the mistake of stopping in the bathroom to pee on the way. In a box, right in front of me as I sat on the toilet, was the towel Leo left behind after 9/11. Feeling overwhelmed and lonely in my new home, I was relieved I hadn’t thrown it away and fell asleep that night, and every night since, with it pressed firmly against my heart. The next day, I got a library card, stocked the house with healthy snacks, and Kendall and I started planting a vegetable garden in the backyard. Most importantly, I assembled a swear jar and said goodbye to my two favorite words, shit and fuck. New baby…new house…new life…new calm.

  Now approaching my best friends who are already settled on top of Kelly’s grave, I don’t feel an ounce of guilt that I haven’t been here very much. Kelly would appreciate the calm I’ve been hard at work creating. She would much rather I live my life than reflect on a life I’ll never live, which is usually what happens when I come here. Nevertheless, it’s nice to see Courtney and Nicole, and unload a few things that are essential in my quest for calm.

  “It’s not a moo-moo, Nic. It happens to be Juicy Couture and it’s all the rage these days.”

  “Well, it makes you look pregnant.”

  “Probably because I am.”

  Speculating that I might be telling another one of my famous fibs, my doctor friends just stare at me in silence.

  “Around twelve weeks, actually.”

  “Hold on, you’re serious about this?”

  I place Nicole’s hand on my small, hard bump and give her an eyebrow raise.

  “Holy moley.” Looking at Courtney, “Either she has some serious gas or the girl’s prego.”

  “Was there a wedding? I mean, I don’t remember getting an invitation, do you Nicole?”

  “Ahhhhh, nooooooo. Jesus, Chrissy! Why didn’t you tell us you were pregnant sooner?”

  “I didn’t know myself until last month.”

  “It sounds like something that would slip through the cracks with you!”

  After my friends pummel me with hugs and kisses, the interrogation begins.

  “Are you and Leo gonna wait until after the baby’s born to tie the knot?”

  “Or, are you gonna be as fashionable as that outfit and be a knocked up bride?”

  Opening a bottle of water, I practice what Kelly was preaching in the video and calmly tell them, “Leo and I broke up.”

  Silence again.

  “It’s okay you guys, I’m gonna be alright.”

  Not really. But it’s not going to do anyone a bit of good if I display my actual state of emotions, which is what I would label as frantically heartbroken. Life is only as calm as I make it, right?

  “No you’re not.”

  “Yeah, you can’t fool us, Chrissy. You’re talking to people who’ve had to tranquilize you after you chipped your nail polish.”

  In an attempt to hold back my tears, I close my eyes for a long time before I respond to their spot-on assessment of my emotional state.

  “You’re right. I’m an absolute mess. But, there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s really, really over this time. His choice. How pathetic would I be if I didn’t accept it and begged for him to reconsider?”

  What? It’s not like the whole world needs to know I was on my hands and knees in New York in September doing that very thing.

  “Well…is he gonna be a part of the baby’s life?”

  Now it’s Courtney’s turn with, “And what about Kendall? I mean, she really liked him.”

  “Trust me, I hate that another person is gone from her life. But, in all honestly, he’s been in New York for so long, it didn’t seem that tough for her when I broke the news.”

  “Wait…he’s still in New York? Wow, and I thought the visitation you have set up with Kurt was a pain in the ass. Sounds like this will be a nightmare.”

  Here we go…

  “I don’t even know if it’s his.”

  The two of them scream, “WHAT?” so loud that the entire funeral service taking place two hundred feet away turns to look at us.

  Courtney groans, “You’ve taken the word Chrissygan to a whooooooole new level with this news.”

  Needing more information, Nicole inquisitively asks, “C’mon…spill it. Who else are you sleeping with?”

  “It’s not important. Besides, I don’t even know for sure if it even happened.”

  Courtney has no idea what the hell I’m even talking about, but Nicole on the other hand…

  “Drunk?”

  “Big time.”

  “Been there. Done that. You think I wanted a kid in my twenties…in the middle of my residency?”

  Problem solver Courtney is NOT happy with the direction Nicole’s taking the conversation. “Nic, this is different! You were drunk…with your husband! Chrissy, are you saying you’re not gonna tell the father of this baby what’s going on?”

  “I’m just taking it day by day, Court.”

  “Okay, ONE this isn’t alcoholics anonymous so enough with the sanctimonious holier than thou crap and TWO, that’s totally unfair! Leo--or some other random guy--is about to become a father. You can’t rip him off like that!”

  “I’m not saying that’s the plan.”

  Nicole moves closer to me and lovingly says, “What is the plan, Mama?”

  “Well, the first step…” looking at Courtney, “…and I’m not trying to rip off alcoholics anonymous when I say that…” I wanted to make her crack a smile, but no go, “…is to find out if I even slept with the mystery man.”

/>   “Here’s an idea, why don’t you ask him?”

  “I did, Courtney. I think he sort of said no.”

  “You think?”

  And then Nicole, “Sort of?”

  Their logical brains are clearly not built to handle the chaotic intensity in which I used to live my life. Watching them self-destruct with all of this is actually the most fun I’ve had in a long time, and it’s a nice vacation from missing Leo.

  “I think he was trying to let me off the hook.”

  “Well, what are you gonna do then…paternity test?”

  Clapping her hands, Nicole sings, “That’s soooooo Hollywood!”

  Ignoring her idiocy, I proceed to explain. “Once he finds out I’m pregnant, he’ll come clean because he’s a good guy. If he says we had sex, then I’ll do a paternity test, but only with him.”

  “Why not with Leo?”

  “Because he asked me to set him free. No, wait…actually he begged me. Telling him I might be having his baby qualifies as the opposite of setting him free, don’t you think?”

  “Hold on, so if you find out this baby is Leo’s…you’re still not gonna tell him?”

  I merely shrug because I just don’t know.

  Courtney shakes her head and looks away. Nicole though, she knows I need a little love and moves closer.

  “When are you gonna tell this mystery man that you’re pregnant?”

  “I’m not.”

  What I failed to tack onto my response was…You are.

  Unraveling

  December, 2002

  It wasn’t my plan to tell Courtney and Nicole I was pregnant. In fact, it was my hope to keep it a secret…forever. Silly I know, but there it is. But I started showing and quickly realized that even the most expensive couture ensembles aren’t going to hide the baby I’ve got growing inside of me. Not long after I shared my secret with my best friends, I shared it with Megan and Barbara too. Barbara was so excited about the news, she got busy right away crocheting blankets and booties. Megan though…she looked confused. Despite her reaction, I needed a huge favor. I asked if she would continue to deliver Kendall to Kurt every Friday and pick her up every Sunday, so that I could keep my pregnancy a secret for a while longer. Reluctantly, she agreed. I had to run off to a holiday party at Kendall’s school, but I made a mental note to talk to Megan later in private about her reaction and apologize for using her as a chauffeur. She’s my designer, not my nanny, and I have to get back to treating her accordingly.

  On top of the fact that my protruding belly is preventing me from keeping my pregnancy a secret, Kelly’s words have been weighing heavy on me and as soon as I started to watch the first video, I decided that my life, Kendall’s, and the new baby’s will be a lot calmer if I know the truth about who the father is. Some smart person once said, “The truth will set you free,” and by unleashing my secret to Courtney and Nicole, and knowing damn well they’d say something to Kurt about it, I hoped to find out if that smart person was full of shit. I guess the bright side is, if Kurt is the father, he’ll have both of the kids every weekend and it’ll offer me much needed time alone to cry myself senseless.

  But it’s starting to look like I might not get that alone time or answers anytime soon because it’s been nearly four weeks since I told my friends about the baby and Kurt still hasn’t said a peep to me about it. I even asked Megan if he said anything the last time she picked up Kendall, and her answer was a somber, “No.” The crazy thing is, I’m not sure if I’m happy about this or not. Let’s be real. Leo basically told me to get the hell out of his life. I’m not too excited about bouncing back into it with an entire family. I am completely confused about what to do. That’s why Kelly’s videos have become my new addiction. They force me to forget about the past and plan for the future. They take my mind off of my problems and force me to find solutions to them. I don’t want to rush through them though. Each one is a gift that I want to make last. I’ve watched the Three Years Old one every night since the first time I popped it in. Tonight, I’m giving myself the Christmas gift of Four Years Old.

  After Kendall and I put cookies and milk out for Santa, I tuck her in and bring my own cookies and milk into bed and pop in the next video.

  Kelly doesn’t look that much different than the video she made before it, perhaps she did them just days apart. Glancing at the box containing the other thirteen videos, I cringe at what I’m about to watch unfold. Looking back at the TV, I observe her beautiful shoulder-length auburn hair. I still hate the cut…but the color is to die for. Oh shit…sorry Kel! Bad choice of words! Her weight is still seemingly normal, and her physique is as strong looking as it ever was. Her voice is authoritative, and just like the last time it spoke to me; I take in her every word.

  “…I’ve read that four years old is all about rapid mood changes, explosive and destructive behavior, testing limits, exaggeration, and even fibbing.”

  Shoving another cookie in my mouth, “Good Lord, I’m like the world’s oldest four-year- old.”

  “…But do your best to stay calm…be tenderly honest with her about her behavior. Lead by example, and try your best not to react to her outbursts.”

  The funny thing is Kendall has never been explosive or destructive. Letting out a deep sigh I think, Kelly and Craig sure missed out on a gem.

  “… Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for, and it’ll backfire on you if you hold back the truth from her.”

  With that reasoning, I turn off the video, roll onto my side, and agree with Kelly. It’s time.

  The next morning, Kendall woke to a brand new big girl bike from Santa and the news that she’s going to get a brand new sibling.

  “Really, Ki-Ki?”

  As much as she wants to call me Mommy, she’s still struggles with it. She writes it on every card and picture she makes, but saying the word is still so awkward for her.

  “Really, hunny! And, it’ll be here in June.”

  “Is dat what Santa brought you?”

  Looking under the tree and realizing there’s nothing there with my name on it, I nod my head.

  “Does it mean you were naughty or nice?”

  Ahhhhh, out of the mouths of babes.

  “Well, since babies are the most precious gift in the world, I’m pretty sure it means I was nice.” Too nice actually.

  “Tell me, how do you feel about being a big sister?”

  Thinking long and hard, “Do I have to share my new bike?”

  “Probably not for four more years.”

  “Then I’m SOOPA DOOPA happy! I hope it’s a boy!”

  “Really? I was all about the girl power thing. Why do you want it to be a boy, Kendall?”

  “He can pretend he’s the daddy.”

  On that gloomy note, and to thwart anything explosive or destructive from flying out of my four-year-old mouth, I dully hand Kendall another present to open.

  Exposed

  December, 2002

  “Wow, the garden really looks amazing, Chrissy.”

  “It’s all amazing…the garden, the house, the yoga studios, the pregnancy. I can’t believe you’re managing all of this stuff by yourself.”

  Courtney and Nicole left their own families on Christmas day to spend some time with mine, and up until that comment, I was happy for the distraction.

  “Yep…all by my lonesome. Thanks for the reminder, Nicole.”

  The three of us watch Kendall from the kitchen window. She’s attempting to ride her new bike in the backyard, and it’s just about the cutest thing ever.

  “God, she’s starting to look more and more like her mother.”

  Courtney and I nod our heads in agreement, before I say, “And she’s got the laid-back temperament of her father. Seriously, the girl is amazing.” Pointing at my stomach, “I hope to heck that I, and whatever I’ve got going on in here, don’t screw her up.”

  “Does she know about the baby?”

  “Told her this morning.”

  �
�And?”

  “If I told her I was giving birth to Santa Claus himself, she couldn’t have been more excited.”

  Sort of changing the subject, Courtney asks, “Have you heard from Leo?”

  “No.”

  I slam my knife down on an onion so that they think my tears are from its stench as opposed to thoughts of him.

  “I told you…he’s gone.”

  “And still no word from the mystery man?”

  “Not a damn thing.”

  “Why can’t you just tell us who it is?”

  Shaking my head, “Later.”

  “Do you think he knows about the baby yet?”

  It’s been almost four weeks since I told my friends I was pregnant, so I laugh a little when I say, “I sure thought he would’ve found out about it by now.”

  “What does Kurt have to say about all of this?”

  Now things are about to get interesting.

  “How would Kurt know I was pregnant, Nicole?”

  My back-peddling besties are all of a sudden hard at work covering up their big mouths. The same big mouths I was counting on to tell Kurt the news.

  “I…I guess I assumed you would’ve told him by now.”

  “Yeah, look at you! He must have noticed!”

  “I haven’t told him, and I also haven’t seen him since September, long before I started showing.”

  My back-up singers let out an impressively harmonized, “Why?”

  “We had a pretty big blow up back in August, and Megan’s been handling the transfer of Kendall for me.” Looking at Courtney, I curiously ask, “Do you think he knows?”