Disoriented, I continue to stare. Not the case with Slutty.
“What the hell, Megan, you knew he’d be in town this weekend?”
“He’s here for the whole week, actually. That west coast office finally opened.”
“And you know this how?”
“My roommate’s ex-boyfriend…well, I guess they’re more like fuck buddies now.”
“Get to the point, Megan!”
“I’M TRYING! He told her Leo was coming to town and he was… he was…”
“HE WAS WHAT?”
“Bringing his new girlfriend.” Whispering over to me, “I’m so sorry, Chrissy.”
But I can’t hear Megan. I can’t hear anything but my own thoughts.
Walk over there and show him your stomach. Get him back, Chrissy.
But I can’t! I don’t know for sure if this baby is his.
Yes, you do! Forget what Courtney and Nicole said, you’re carrying Leo’s baby and you know it. And if he knew it too, he’d forget all about Kurt’s relationship with Kendall…he wouldn’t have to dig deep! The relationship he’d have with his own child would make all of those jealous feelings insignificant. He wasn’t capable of seeing things that way when he broke up with you because there was no baby, but all of that has changed now! Forget all of those stupid outcomes you created. Show him your stomach and let him be the judge of his own life. Show him and get him back!
Slutty Co-worker’s back at demanding answers from Megan.
“Why would he bring her here? He knows damn well Chrissy lives in this town.”
And then I see the answer. Leo’s Mom walks out of the coat check room, up to the brunette and introduces herself with a nice big hug.
Oh no… Please, no. Please, please, don’t let this be happening. She used to be my biggest cheerleader. She used to root for me. Reaching out for the wall in front of me for support, I close my eyes at the agonizing sight. I made myself believe I had lost him. I tried so hard to convince myself he was gone, but when the baby came along, I had hope again. I never talked about it. I barely even admitted it to myself because I knew it was a long shot. But there has always been a pull toward my Leo drug, and I had an unspoken feeling I’d be with him again one day. But watching Leo’s mother embrace the woman, who is clearly someone very important to him, I feel him being pulled away along with my courage to approach him. And I’m not the only one who feels it. My baby, who all of a sudden kicks me for the first time, feels it too.
Shaken by the unfamiliar jolt in my stomach, I hastily clutch it and breathlessly mumble, “Take me home.”
In the hustle to get me across the street and into the car, Slutty Co-worker yells expletives to everything standing in our way. Everyone, from the rambunctious kids flowing in and out of The Round Up to the patrons entering the restaurant, can hear her. I take one more glance back at Leo’s candle-lit corner table as my friend’s usher me to the car, and notice that he can hear her too. He leans back in his chair to glance out the window to try and connect the sound from his past with a face, and neither Leo’s mother or the brunette, notice when he finally makes the connection and whispers, “Oh, my God.” Swiftly and painfully, I turn away from the sight of him.
Now sitting in the passenger seat of the car, door closed, I keep my head pointed toward the ground. I can’t stand to see him with her for one more second. Without shifting her gaze from Leo’s, Slutty Co-worker asks me, “Are you sure you don’t wanna talk to him, hunny? I mean, maybe he deserves to know what’s going on.”
“Please…just take me home.”
Her eyes still locked on Leo’s, she shakes her head in contempt at him for bringing his new girl to my neighborhood and then she gets in the car and drives away.
Great Aunties
February, 2003
Once we’re back at my house, Barbara scurries to the kitchen to make some tea. Sassy clothes and chic hair aside, she still hates big commotions and will avoid them at all costs. And it’s not hard to tell by my pacing in the living room that there’s about to be a lot of commotion. Suddenly stopping dead in my tracks, I ask Megan to tell me everything she knows, and Slutty Co-worker isn’t happy about it one bit.
“Hunny, this can’t be good for the baby. C’mon…I’ll make us some food and we’ll wait for another kick.”
Ignoring her, I glare at Megan and demand, “Tell me. I have to know.”
My over-protective old friend disapprovingly nods her head at Megan, giving her permission to break my heart.
“He met her in Texas.”
“When?”
“I think it was in November.”
“Is it serious?”
“Chrissy, don’t make me do this.”
“Just tell me.”
“Aside from bringing her here to meet his mom…they’ve flown back and forth between New York and Texas quite a bit.”
“Do they work together?”
“I think she has something to do with the new office in Texas. But, Chrissy, if he knew about the baby…”
“Do you know if he’s happy?”
“Chrissy, c’mon…how would I know for sure?”
“I know you know, Megan. Just tell me…is he happy?”
Clearly not relishing in my self-affliction, she hangs her head and speaks softly.
“All I know is he’s enjoying his success.”
He’s enjoying his success. He’s enjoying his success. It’s all I could hear as my friends tucked me in. Then, when they turned out the lights, all I could see was Leo making love to that woman. I could feel his hands on her back and his lips all over her body. I could smell him and I could feel her quiver with every gasp of air she took as he had his way with her. I could see him burying his face in her hair and doing with his body all of the delightful things he used to do to me. I saw his eyes look passionately into hers, and I could feel her knees go weak as his deep voice whispered over and over again, “I’m never letting you go,” and then I heard hers say back to him, “I’m never letting you.” But mostly, I could hear him ask her about her dreams and how they magically aligned with his. To stop the frenzied visions, I snap the lights back on and reach for the glass of water on my nightstand and that’s when I see it, the stupid happy list I made just last night.
1) Pick up Kendall on Sunday night and show Kurt I’m pregnant. Ending all mystery about who the father is…because I know.
2) Call Leo and tell him the news and that I waited this long because I wasn’t sure if he’d be glad.
3) Let Leo decide what’s best for him and stay calm.
4) Live happily ever after because Leo will decide YOU are what’s best for him.
None of this can happen now because of that woman. He’s done. It’s over. I believe it this time. I solemnly rip the stupid happy list into a million little pieces, vowing it’ll be the last one I ever make. And then, clutching the towel he left behind, I quietly cry myself to sleep as I damn my truly, madly, deeply existence.
I wake in the morning, face swollen from torturing myself last night. I’m instantly hit with the foreign movement in my stomach.
“Morning, little one. Is someone hungry?”
Rounding the corner to my kitchen that I’m still petrified I can’t afford, I’m not sure who was more surprised, my yoga friends at the hideous swollen sight of me, or me, to find Larry, Curly and Moe attempting to cook pancakes.
“What are you guys still doing here?”
Slutty Co-worker barrels toward me and boasts, “We have a surprise for you!”
Scared that I’ll never feel excitement and happiness ever again, I place my hands over my trembling lips to try and keep my emotions under control. She immediately wraps one arm around me and places the other one on my stomach.
“We’re your family, hunny, and we’ll never abandon you, okay?”
Megan then comes up behind me and does the same.
“We’re gonna help you through this, Chrissy. You’ll never be alone.”
Ba
rbara stands in the background with a huge smile on her face and holds up the thirty-third pair of booties she’s made.
After pretending to feel better, I chew on a rubber pancake and let them guide me to the surprise. They take me to the room I designated a long time ago as the baby’s.
Slutty Co-worker whispers in my ear, “We thought this would help” and then she opens the door.
At the sight, my hands go once again over my trembling lips. My friends stayed up the entire night quietly painting and putting together furniture. They even found a baby store that was open until midnight (who knew those existed?) and after they were sure I was fast asleep, they snuck out to buy every single thing a newborn baby and a stupid ass mom could ever need.
“And if it’ll help, Chrissy, I can move in once the baby is born to help out.”
“Megan…I’m speechless.”
Throwing her hands in the air, Slutty Co-worker, belts out, “Well, me too! That offer makes all of the shit I’ve done so far seem totally insignificant!”
In barely a whisper, because after what I saw last night it’s all I seem to have left in me, I say, “But I can’t let you do that, Megan. You’re a fashion designer, not a nanny.”
“I’m a fashion designer…and a friend.”
Sitting in the rocking chair, I look all around the room in amazement.
“This is more than I ever could’ve dreamt of. You guys did good.”
“I guess this would be a good time to ask you for a month off then, huh?”
Slutty Co-worker and Barbara quietly back out of the room and close the door, leaving me alone with Megan.
“But don’t worry; I’ll be back before the baby gets here.”
“Where are you going?”
“Nepal. You know…to do my thang.”
“Oh yeah…the charity thing. Of course…of course…but, what about your boyfriend, won’t you miss him?”
“My boyfriend?”
It’s a weird reaction to a completely innocent question, and it makes me forget for a second that Leo’s probably in some expensive hotel room going down on that brown-haired hedge fund bitch.
“Mick…from shipping…at our old company. Remember? The guy you told me might be ‘the one’?”
Clearly relieved, Megan slides down the bedroom wall and lands on the ground.
“Are you okay?”
“Guess I’m just tired from being up all night. Anyway, Mick and I broke up like a year ago, Chrissy.”
“Oh, geez. How did I not know that?”
“You’ve been a little busy.”
Feeling bad for not being there for her, “You’ve become like a little sister to me, Megan. I should never be too busy for you. I’m so, so sorry.”
“It’s not that big of a deal, really.”
“This Nepal thing…is it safe? Did Kurt set you up with the right people and all?”
“Totally safe. And well…Kurt’s actually going with me.”
WHOA…WHAT? Sure, the Kurt I’ve known my whole entire life is like, seventeen-thousand different non-emotional things, but he’d NEVER leave to go to a third world country without talking to me if he knew he knocked me up. Rubbing my stomach, I say to myself, I knew Leo was your daddy.
“I agree with everything you’re thinking right now.”
Surprised that Megan can see right through me, I cock my head up and ask, “What’s that?”
“There’s no way he’d go if there was a chance it was his.”
“I know.”
“I’ve been doing the drop off and pick up of Kendall for what… like four months now?”
“Yeah.”
“He hasn’t asked about it once.”
“I know.”
“Does knowing make all of this better or worse?”
“In light of what I saw last night, I don’t know anything anymore.”
“Should I have told you about her?”
“Now that I think of it…you tried. Last month, in your office when I asked you why you were being so damn secretive lately, you started to tell me I might be able to stop something if I’d just pick up the phone and tell Leo about the baby. But, you stopped short of telling me exactly what it was I’d be stopping.”
“Chrissy, I think I-”
“No, it’s okay Megan. This was bound to happen.” Trying to be strong, “We broke up five months ago.” Rubbing my belly, “Life goes on right?”
“About Nepal, I think you should-”
“Right, Nepal…go and have some good ol’ fashioned third world charity fun.”
Just then the rest of the crew barrels back into the room to ohhhhh and ahhhhhh over its beauty.
Welcome To My World
March, 2003
Apparitions of Leo will always linger. I want them to leave me alone, but it’s like they’re literally growing inside of me, and like the bountiful garden in my backyard, they get more abundant every day. Fortunately, I’m able to get through my days with limited images of Leo and his new girlfriend because they’re jam-packed with activities at Kendall’s school, doctors’ appointments, the yoga studios and Lamaze classes where Slutty Co-worker is animatedly standing in as my lesbian lover. My nights though…they’re God awful. In the beginning, I tried to flick on The Family Feud, but unlike the distraction he so kindly provided during my divorce days, Richard Dawson did little to stop Leo’s new life and his new success from flashing through my mind. Most of my nights end with me in some kind of Glenn Close type of scenario where I sit in darkness in my new rocking chair. With each sway, I cruelly envision Leo having his way with that girl. And then I fantasize about her dying a slow and painful death.
It was four weeks ago that I came to my own absolute conclusion that the baby is Leo’s. I even let out a little derisive chuckle every now and then that I ever thought it wasn’t. Drunk or not, I’d always be true to him. And, Kurt…well, he’s just not the kind of guy to bang a drunk chick. I let my mind get the best of me ever since I woke up in Kurt’s bed and it’s managed to ruin the most special experience of my life…and it opened the door for a new one to enter Leo’s. Absolute conclusion or not, I’m not so sure it’s fair to break that door down and ruin whatever he’s got going on now.
Megan and Kurt left yesterday for mission “whatever,” and I’m truly a single mom for the next thirty days. For the first time since our heated conversation in his driveway on September eleventh, Kurt made contact with me last night in the form of an email. It simply said he didn’t have a formal will, but in the event that something should happen to him, everything he owns goes to Kendall. I got it last night and two things surprised me: One, he actually planned for the future, and two, he didn’t mention anything about my pregnancy. Shockingly, his lack of interest about the most important thing to EVER happen to me caused me no annoyance. It only further substantiated my absolute conclusion that the baby belongs to Leo.
Plucking some zucchini from my green oasis, I smile and can’t wait to show Kendall when she gets home from school. For once, I’ll have her all to myself on a weekend and I can hardly wait. She’s the most important person in my life now and as sick and twisted as it may seem, I can’t imagine her not being my daughter. We have our routines, like cookies and milk after school, tending to the garden well into dusk and casting spells with her magic wand right before bed time. We’re also learning how to cook together and how to navigate through a library, with her being the more experienced one at both. Sometimes I think Kelly’s rolling over in her grave watching it all happen, but I’m quickly comforted knowing all of those experiences are exactly why she left Kendall to me. I think she knew I needed them just as much as her daughter.
I bailed on the cemetery last month because Kendall and I had more important stuff to do, so I didn’t get a chance to talk to Nicole and Courtney about all of the conclusions I’ve come to. But surprisingly their emails further substantiate everything I’ve been thinking. Both of them admitted Kurt still hasn’t brought me up once and
they’ve since recanted their prior assumptions that he’s the father. In fact, they think he’s even seeing someone new. I know I’ll have to talk to Kurt again one day. I mean, something will eventually happen with Kendall, or the gang, that will necessitate a verbal exchange. But until then, I’m kind of enjoying the break.
With every day and every kick in my belly that passes, I become less worried about Leo hating me for keeping the pregnancy from him and why I did, and more concerned about my child having a relationship with his or her father. I’ve become more truly, madly, deeply about what’s growing inside of me than my own love life, and I feel like I’m able to deal with the fallout from the nightmare I’ve created with grace. And I also feel like even though Leo has a new special experience in his life, I think he’d consider mine more special, and he’d want to be a part of it.
Placing the freshly-picked zucchini in the basket that holds the other seventy-five pounds of vegetables I’ve picked over the last couple of days, I think…there’s only one person who can substantiate my assumptions.
Ringing, ringing, ringing and then…
“Hello?”
“It’s Chrissy.”
Just an exhale.
“How are you, Taddeo?”
“Hangin’ in there.”
“Don’t you wanna know how I’m doing?”
“Things finally got good around here, so no…not really.”
“Does that mean Leo still lives with you?”
“Yeah…for now.”
Fucker.
“Look, I know about her, so don’t think you can hurt me with that, okay?”
Nothing but silence.
“Listen…Remember that night a long time ago when we ran into each other at the Red Devil Lounge?”
“Yeah?”
“And I told you there was more to my life than I had told Leo and I wasn’t sure if he could handle the truth…”
The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) Page 30
