“What the fuck is the point of this phone call, Chrissy?”
“There’s something going on in my life now that I think he should know about, but I’m not sure if he can handle it.”
“Look, I hate to be a dick, but you guys are kinda over, so whatever you’ve got going on in your life really isn’t his problem anymore.”
“I’m pregnant.”
I could’ve given birth in the amount of time it took for him to react.
“How pregnant?”
“About six months.”
Doing the math in his head, he quickly calculates my visit to New York was exactly that long ago and exhales, “Oh, shit.”
“Is that what you think he’ll say?”
“Jesus Christ, Chrissy, the guy’s finally happy.”
“And it’s not my intention to change that.”
“Then what is your intention?”
“I wanna know if you think I should tell him.”
“Your timing sucks, you know that? He’s moving in with L…”
“DON’T SAY HER NAME! I DON’T WANNA KNOW HER FUCKING NAME!”
“Okay, okay, okay…I’m sorry. Jesus, hormonal much?”
“Hormonal A LOT, Taddeo, so take it easy on me.”
Realizing I’m a lot more fragile than I was the last time he saw me, which was pretty freaking fragile, he takes it down a notch.
“Fine. It’s just that…dammit, Chrissy, he’s getting really serious with this girl and this is gonna…this is gonna…”
“This is gonna what?”
“Ruin everything.”
I hang my head in defeat. That’s it then. I have the answers I was looking for when I set out to make this phone call. They’re not the answers I wanted, but they’re answers.
“I guess that’s all I needed to know.”
“Wait! So you’re not gonna tell him about this?”
“And be the one to ruin his life? No thanks. I love him too much to do that.”
“But, now I know too! Fuck, I’ve never kept a secret from him in my whole life!”
“Well I guess now I’m not the only one with more baggage than a 747, am I? Welcome to my world, Taddeo.”
And then I hung up.
My next phone call is to the only person in the world who can help me make sense of my decision, and two hours later, I’m on her couch.
Ready?
March, 2003
“Well, well, well…I wasn’t expecting this!”
Rubbing her hands on my belly, she continues with, “Do you know what you’re having?”
“Nope, let’s just say I’m all about the surprises these days.”
“Well, you look absolutely beautiful, hunny.”
Faking a smile, “You know me, Dr. Maria…it’s all about what’s on the outside.”
“Things not so pretty on the inside?”
“Hideous, actually.”
After a long pause, she takes off her glasses and points at my stomach, “You don’t know whose that is, do you?”
Letting out an exhausted breath, “All signs point to it being Leo’s.”
Looking down at the size of my stomach, “Well, when are you going to start asking the questions that are going to give you the definitive answers you need?”
After plopping into the couch I give her a matter of fact, “I’m not, and I guess that’s why I’m here.”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m too afraid of the fallout.”
“But Chrissy, this isn’t about you anymore.”
Why is that everyone’s favorite thing to say to me?
Throwing my hands in the air, “Dr. Maria, it’s too late.”
“Too late for what?”
“Too late for any of this to be good.”
“Chrissy, you need answers for this baby. Don’t you see that?”
“AND DON’T YOU SEE HOW TERRIFYING THIS IS FOR ME?”
I’ve been brash before with Dr. Maria, sometimes even a little rude. But, I’ve never yelled at her like that and it catches her completely off guard.
“I see your hormones are working a little over time.”
After a long while of staring out the window, wondering how I’m going to rebound from having just made yet another ass of myself, Dr. Maria breaks the silence.
“At risk of you biting my head off again, I have to just say…You’re smarter than this, Chrissy.”
Still staring out the window, I respond in barely a whisper.
“Dr. Maria, if this is Leo’s and I go to him now and tell him I kept this from him for six months and why I kept it from him, can you imagine his reaction?”
“He’ll be pissed, and he has every right to be. But hunny, if it is his, think about the possibilities.”
“There are no possibilities. He’s with someone new.”
“I don’t care if he has twelve wives. The man deserves to know!”
Jesus, who’s the hormonal one now?
My voice, still barely a whisper, confesses, “Taddeo said it would ruin everything for him.”
“Now you’re taking advice from a guy who doesn’t like you? Again, hunny, c’mon, you’re smarter than this.”
“I know I’m a lot smarter than this. But going to him now almost feels like I’m hunting for chaos. I’m so tired of chaos, Dr. Maria.”
She can tell I’m lost. Her voice softens.
“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Chrissy, but right now you’re living smack dab in the middle of chaos. I promise you, nothing will be calm in your life until you confirm who the father is.”
“In my heart of hearts, I know it’s Leo’s.”
“Then you know what my advice is.”
Finally becoming part of a back-up singing group myself, Dr. Maria and I simultaneously recite her famous words.
“Follow your heart, hunny, it’ll take you where you need to go.”
As I stand to gather my belongings to leave her office, I turn to confess my real fear.
“Knowing hasn’t been my problem for a while now. It was replaced by telling about four weeks ago.”
“Just dial his number. When you hear his voice, you’ll know what to say.”
With not enough time to get anything done at home or at work until I have to pick up Kendall from school, I make a pit stop at the Lafayette reservoir to wait out the clock and beat myself up for what could’ve been. I park and guardedly walk to the bench where I found Leo sitting…five years ago. Just like that day, all I can hear is the crunch of the rocks under my shoes as I approach it. But, unlike that day, the bench is empty. There are no strong hands waiting for me, no green eyes to pierce right through me.
Like I used to so often do, I sit and watch the packs of modern day Francesca’s circle the trail and like I did a few years ago, I eavesdrop on their depressing conversations. They still hate their husbands, they still resent their kids. They still hate the job that they’re forced to have to afford their mediocre lifestyle or they hate the fact that they had to give up the job they loved to raise their children. They still look pissed and tired and they still continue to bitch and moan about the great lives they used to have. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t fit into any of the pathetic packs because I don’t even have a husband of my own to bitch and moan about. I guess I’m going to have to start my own pathetic pack. It’ll be made up of single moms who never even came close to getting what they wanted in life because they continually sabotaged their happiness. With that thought, my head drops into my hands and I lose it.
After a few minutes, or maybe twenty, of hard core sobbing, I lift my head to find that I’m not alone.
“How long have you been sitting here?”
“Long enough. Did you get it all out?”
“Is Leo waiting for me at home?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Then I didn’t get it all out.”
“You’re ruining this very special time in your life, you know. A time that you might not ever get to have ag
ain.”
Suddenly feeling really stupid because of all that she lost and her inability to get it back at this stage of her life, I shake my head in disgust.
“I don’t wanna feel this way, Barbara. I thought I had moved mountains in my life so that I wouldn’t have to.”
“I know you did.”
“It took every ounce of courage I had to correct the mistakes of my past to be with Leo.”
“I know it did.”
“Then why didn’t it work out?”
“How do you know it didn’t? No one’s dead, right?”
Honestly, I do not know how this woman survived the loss of her husband and child. I gently place my hand on her knee to try and draw her strength.
“I’m sorry, Barbara. You must think I’m truly…” Thinking about the new pack I’m going to become the leader of, “…pathetic.”
“Not at all. What’s going on with you is very sad. But, I just don’t think it has to be that way.” Pulling my chin up with her index finger so that I’m looking into her eyes, “Things can still work out the way you want them to.”
“I could ruin his life…”
“Or you can make it better than he ever thought possible.”
“That’s a pretty wide range of possibilities.”
“At least both of them will result in some kind of resolution.” Pointing at the pack of bitching Francesca’s walking by, “At least you won’t be stuck in limbo-land like them. Take it from me, limbo-land will suck your life away. Make a choice to do something Chrissy, but don’t do nothing. No good will come from it.”
The difference between doing something and doing nothing is everything. It’s what Kelly gave me credit for showing her during my divorce, and it’s why she made those videos for Kendall.
“You can’t get the past six months back…but you can change for the better what the next six will look like. All you have to do is pick up the phone and call him.”
“What about L?”
“L?”
“The girl he’s with.”
“Ahhhhh. Well, he might choose her, and if he does we’ll all be here for you. But Chrissy, he deserves to be the one to make the choice. Take it from someone who didn’t have the choice when it came to losing her family…stop this nonsense and give him the option to choose a life that’s best for him.”
Standing to hug Barbara and thank her for the tough love, I ask her how she knew I was at the reservoir.
“I didn’t. I’m in one of the packs of the older Francesca’s. You know, the ones who seem pretty content with life…or they’re glad it’s almost over. We meet here every other day to make fun of all the young girls who take life way too seriously.”
“Girls like me?”
“Pretty much.”
Both laughing a little now, she takes my hand and asks, “Are you ready to make the call?”
“Yes.”
Answers
March, 2003
“What are we gonna name him?”
“How do you know it’s a boy?”
Grabbing her magic wand, Kendall waves it in a circle and then taps my belly.
“Presto! It’s a boy!”
“Well I guess that takes care of that! What do you think we should name him?”
“Weo.”
Give me a bleeping break. Seriously?
“Sweetheart, why do you wanna name the baby Leo?”
“So he’ll pway snipes with me.”
Silently praying to Jesus, who I wish I started believing in a long time ago so that my prayers weren’t in vain, to pull some strings and make it so Kendall can play snipes with the real deal again one day, I kiss her on the forehead and turn out her light.
On the way to make the call I promised Barbara I would make, I enter the baby’s room and sit for a long while in the rocking chair to think over everything I need to say to him.
“Am I doing the right thing, Kelly?”
Silence.
“Your dreams were right, by the way. Every single thing you said to me for the last year and a half has been dead on. Oops, sorry…I mean, accurate. Anyway, the pregnancy, the needing to make a choice or one would be made for me…you were right about everything.”
Silence.
“What would you do if you were me? Would you tell Leo you were pregnant or would you live with this secret?”
Silence.
“I know, I know…you’d tell him. But you know why it scares me to do that, right?”
Silence.
“A lot of help you are.”
Before leaving the room, I open the dresser drawer to admire the baby clothes that the girls bought…Actually, I’m procrastinating. Sifting through the piles, I stumble on a roll of masking tape and a bottle of glue probably left behind when they were decorating the room. Looking up toward the Heavens...or were they? I think back to the one and only conversation Kelly and I had on her porch where she lambasted me for always trying to “fix my broken package.”
“Kel…are you telling me to stop fixing things or are you telling me to start again?”
Silence.
“C’mon, I need to know! What am I supposed to do?”
Silence.
Just then the phone rings and I quickly wobble to the kitchen to answer it before it wakes Kendall. The whole way mumbling at Kelly.
“Hello?”
“Will you accept a collect call from Kathmandu, Nepal?”
“Uhhhh, sure. I can’t afford my freaking mortgage payment and I have a baby on the way who I probably can’t afford to feed, but…what the hell.”
“Excuse me?”
“Never mind…I’ll take the call.”
“Just a moment while I connect you.”
The line is silent for about ten seconds and then all of a sudden it gets incredibly muffled and I hear a faint clatter on the other end of the line.
“Hello? Megan? Are you okay?”
“Not…Meg…Kur…I have to…you.”
“Kurt? Is that you?”
“Ye…Me.”
“I can barely hear you. Is everyone all right?”
“Good…here. Chri...we have…talk…the baby.”
For so long I didn’t want to know the truth about that fateful night at Kurt’s house, fearing it might reveal I betrayed Leo. Then recently, I convinced myself there’s no way I ever could’ve of. Like I told my friends, Kurt would never take advantage of me drunk, and like I told Dr. Maria just five hours ago, I know my baby is Leo’s. But why is Kurt calling me after not talking to me for months? I look up toward the Heavens and wonder if this is Kelly doing a little gluing and taping on my behalf.
“What about the baby? Kurt! What about the baby?”
“You need…know.”
“I need to know what? Kurt, what are you trying to tell me?”
“It’s…mine. I’m sorry…told…sooner.”
And then the line went dead.
I stand there for a moment, in total shock.
“Omigod…he thinks it’s his.” And then feeling my breath slip away, “Oh…my…God. I slept with both of them.”
Immediately, everything in my line of vision becomes blurry. I frantically reach down to the receiver to start dialing Slutty’s number and that’s when a huge fart explodes out of my ass. Trying to support myself on the countertop, I know exactly what’s about to happen next.
Mommy
March, 2003
I fainted at hearing the news that I was back at square one with my nightmare, not knowing who the hell knocked me up, and came to just as Slutty Co-worker was putting the key I had given her months ago in the door. Apparently, I successfully dialed her cell phone just before hitting the ground. Luckily, she was close by at the studio and drove straight over out of concern for not hearing my voice on the other end of the line. Not needing to be convinced by her, I instantly agreed to a trip to the hospital to get checked out while my Lamaze class lesbian lover/other mother of my illegitimate child, spent the night with Kendall
who fortunately slept through the whole ordeal.
After an anxiety-riddled five hours of getting poked and prodded and being asked a thousand times if I wanted to call my husband, the evening ended with me finally dozing off to the healthy sound of my baby’s heartbeat over the monitor.
“I know it’s not what you wanted.”
“It’s just so damn frustrating! We always ask for ranch dressing, but they bring us this blue cheese crap every single time!”
Looking around for the waiter, I’m surprised to see that Chili’s is completely empty. It’s just Kelly and me.
“I’m talking about the baby.”
“Oh, Lord…here you go again with that.”
“Look down, you big dummy.”
It’s like all of a sudden I’m magically seven months pregnant.
“Whoa, where’d that come from?”
“That’s what everyone wants to know.”
“Can you tell me?”
“I could, but that would put an end to all of the fun I’m having.”
For once I don’t deliver the humor back to her. I’m scared.
“Is everything gonna be okay, Kelly?”
“Your baby is fine…beautiful actually. Has the most stunning eyes and brilliant smile I’ve ever seen.”
Cynically speaking, “Thanks for narrowing down where it came from, Kel.”
All of a sudden, my voice of reason becomes quietly reflective.
“Speaking of beautiful…I should go now.”
“No, please don’t. This is the best talk we’ve had in a long time.”
“No, no. She comes first. She needs you.”
“Who needs me?”
“Ki-Ki…Wake up Ki-Ki.”
Squeezing my hand tightly, her sweet voice whispers worriedly.
“Mommy…wake up. Can you hear me?”
I open my eyes to find Kendall and Slutty Co-worker standing by my side. Instinctively, I pull my daughter onto the hospital bed and hug her with all of my might, telling her over and over again how much I love her, that our family is healthy, and I’m sorry if I scared her. Initially, the news that Kurt delivered to me sent me into a shit-storm of panic, but falling asleep to my baby’s heartbeat and now feeling Kendall’s as I embrace her, I’m experiencing the kind of calm I’ve been searching so long for. And, I’m determined to hang onto it.
The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) Page 31
