After being discharged from the hospital, the three of us return home, where I promptly put a movie on for Kendall, make a fresh pot of tea, and tell Slutty Co-worker exactly what Kurt told me.
“Hunny, after what you just told me, I think I’m gonna need something stronger than tea.” Pointing at my gut, “It’s anyone’s guess what the fuck you’ve got going on in there!”
“Shhhhh with the swearing! Kendall’s in the other room!”
When I left the hospital, I promised myself I’d hold it together. I didn’t want to do anything else to upset “whatever I’ve got going on” in my belly, or Kendall. But as I’m pouring my friend a scotch and myself a cup of tea, I can’t hold back my tears.
“It’s official. I’ve become the woman I never wanted to be.”
Lovingly placing her arms around me, “Francesca?”
“Yep.”
“But you’re not married to Kurt anymore.”
“If this is his, it almost makes things worse that I’m not married to him. It won’t be like how it is with Kendall. I’ll have to share custody of this child. He’ll have a say in everything. Worse, I won’t have a say in everything. This kid will be on a dirt bike by the time it’s three-years-old and there won’t be a damn thing I can do about it, because fifty percent of the time I won’t even be around.”
“And now you know why unhappily married folks stay together…for the damn kids.”
“And I knew that. It’s why I was so proud of myself to have left the marriage before I dragged kids into the picture. For a while it even felt like I could be the poster-girl for how to deal with broken dreams and still live a fantastic life. But now?”
“Chrissy, you’re not a failure.”
“Right. I’m so much worse than that.”
After slamming her scotch in one gulp, she reaches for the bottle and asks, “So, what’s the plan, doll? What are we gonna do about this?”
“Well, I explained my mortifying situation to the doctor last night, and he recommended a paternity test right after the baby is born.”
“Why not now?”
“Kurt’s not back yet.”
“You can call someone else, you know.”
“See how calm I am right now?”
“Yes, and it’s kinda freaking me out.”
“Well, I’m trying to keep it this way. There’s no need to call Leo, ruin what he’s got going on, and invite a whole lot of chaos into my life if I don’t have to.”
“Why do you think Kurt told you this news now?”
“I’ve been racking my brain over the same question. The only thing I can think is that Megan told him how much I’ve been agonizing about this and she asked him to put me out of my misery. I’m sure the truth shocked her as much as it shocked me.”
“This is just crazy! I don’t think anyone saw this coming.”
Thinking of Kelly, I whisper as I walk to my bedroom, “Wrong. Someone saw it coming.”
Far, Far Away
April, 2003
It’s been nearly a month since that phone call from Kurt and it has now settled in that I cheated on Leo. I didn’t believe it could ever happen. I didn’t believe I could be that stupid. Jesus, given what I know now, he’s better off without me. Forget a 747, my baggage can’t even fit into a freightliner, and there’s no room for it in his good life.
It was a blessing that Megan left for Nepal almost immediately after I found out about ‘L’. I probably would’ve tortured her for more information every single day and that wouldn’t have been good for anyone…especially me. No matter the outcome of the paternity test, I can never be with Leo knowing what I did to him. Our tainted love is…forever tainted. There’s no wondering…no hoping…no scheming or even any yearning for him to return knowing what I did to him. The chapter of my life with Leo in it is closed forever and I’m somehow miserably calm about it. There’s something painfully gratifying about getting over an addiction that I’ve had for so many years. No matter how attractive, chiseled, adoring, good in bed, and successful that addiction was.
I’m still far, far away from knowing some essential truths in my life, but knowing that I can rule out so many what-ifs has been very good for my little misfit family. For the last thirty days…and for that matter, for the rest of my life, my focus is all about them. Welcome home, Francesca.
Kendall is excitedly awaiting the arrival of who she continues to insist is her new brother. I can’t get her to drop the idea of naming the baby Leo, but I still have two months left to crack her. She calls me Mommy one hundred percent of the time now and I hear it about a hundred times a day! I think she’s making up for lost time, which is just fine with me. She’s grown so much in the last year and a half. Her brown hair is as long as her back and her legs are twice that, and I marvel at the number of strangers who stop to stare at her beauty. She’s got the most mild-mannered temperament; I can probably count on one hand how many times she’s thrown a temper tantrum in the last year. I don’t have enough hands to do the same for myself. She continues to miss her daddy every day, but the tears have since transformed into laughter. Her parents would be so proud of the young lady she’s blossoming into, and I continue to try my best not to screw her up. So far, so good. Francesca may have been guilty of a lot of wrongdoings, but not one of them is being a bad mother.
Last weekend, Courtney and Nicole threw me a surprise baby shower at the cemetery and that’s when I broke the latest news to them.
“Ho-ly crap.”
“Holy shit is more like it!”
“Yep, it’s my best Chrissygan to date, don’t you guys think?”
I’m trying to make light of the shit-show I’ve created for myself, but my best friends see right through it.
“You can’t possibly be okay with this, can you?”
“Do I have a choice, Nicole?”
“Well, no, but I just thought I’d ask.”
Things aren’t adding up for Courtney though, and things ALWAYS have to add up for her.
“None of this makes sense, though. When Nicole told him you were pregnant, sure, he looked surprised, but after that he didn’t say a thing about it.”
“Court’s right. I mean, the Kurt we all know has been a tad emotionally detached over the years, but about something like this? I don’t think so.”
“I don’t know what you guys want me to say. None of it makes sense to me either.”
Courtney’s not ready to drop it.
“And I thought he was seeing someone new.”
“Yeah, I don’t think he’d do that without…” Nicole then waves her hand in front of my belly, “…cleaning up this mess.”
Horrified, I struggle to my feet.
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO? Five months ago you were all, ‘the reality of the situation is this is Kurt’s baby!’ Now, you’re like, ‘there’s no way in hell it can be!’ Just pick a fucking side and stick with it because I can’t take it anymore!”
Reaching her hand out for me to sit back down, Courtney says, “It’s not his, Chrissy. There’s no way. It just doesn’t add up.”
With hope I was sure was all but dead, my eyes plead with hers. “But, Courtney…he said it’s his. Why would he say that?”
“I have no idea.”
Shaking her head, Nicole is in agreement, “I don’t know, either. But what I do know is, if it’s not his, it’s Leo’s, and that’s what you wanted, right?”
“I don’t know what I want anymore. But, it wouldn’t matter if I did. Leo’s with ‘L’ now and apparently he’s happy and successful and…”
“Who’s ‘L’?”
“It’s the first letter of his stupid new girlfriend’s name.”
“Ahhhhh, their names start with the same letter, that’s kinda cute.”
After Courtney punches Nicole in the arm for kicking me when I’m down, I quietly gather my belongings and set off to leave the cemetery. As I’m walking down the path to my car, my childhood friends stop me with news
I was totally not prepared to hear.
“Are you mad at us?”
“I’m mad at the world Courtney.”
“Then I guess there’s no better time like the present to drop this on you. Ready, Nic?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be. Brace yourself because she’s gonna blow.”
Wondering how much more I can possibly take, “What’s going on, guys?”
Courtney’s first to blurt out, “I took a job in Zimbabwe. Guss and I leave next month. Your turn, Nicole.”
Nicole then fires off, “And I quit my job in the ER. We’re moving to Arizona so I can finally go after that teaching thing. It’s much cheaper to live there.”
I think my water just broke.
“Okay, one…I don’t even know where the hell Zimbabwe is! Is it in the South bay, like off of Highway seventeen or something? And, what the fuck, Nicole? Arizona? Driving to your house was gonna be hard enough with two kids in the car, now you expect me to put them on a plane?”
I know I said I wasn’t going to swear out loud anymore, but desperate times call for desperate language.
“Zimbabwe’s in Africa, Chrissy. I got a grant to reconstruct a hospital there. I can really make a difference. It’s like the biggest thing to ever happen to me.”
My problem-solving touchstone is moving to…Africa?
“And our house sold two weeks ago. We leave for Arizona at the end of the month. I finally have a chance to start over.”
My sarcasm is going to the desert?
WHERE’S MY GLUE? MY TAPE? PACKAGE IS BREAKING! PACKAGE IS BREAKING!
After pointing at my belly with my mouth gaping wide open for like an entire five minutes, I unleash the cougar that Nicole so sarcastically labeled me almost two years ago.
“AND I’D CALL THIS IS THE BIGGEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME! I’M THE ONE STARTING OVER! I’M THE ONE WHO NEEDS HELP! ARE YOU TWO SERIOUSLY LEAVING ME…NOW?”
Wrapping her doctor arms around me, Courtney acknowledges what I so badly didn’t want to hear.
“Yes, we’re leaving you now.”
Nicole follows up with a hug herself. “Chrissy, it’s time for us to go after a little bit of what you’ve got.”
Frantically waving my arms in the air to signify that I have absolutely nothing, “What are you talking about? What the hell have I got?”
“You got off the hamster wheel a long time ago. All we want is to do the same. You can understand that, right?”
“But, you two are the only ones I know who have kids!” Pointing at my stomach, “Who’s gonna help me with this if you guys are gone?”
Smiling at me like I might even be dumber than I think I am, Courtney reminds me of something important.
“Chrissy, you haven’t called us once since you got Kendall and asked for our advice.”
And then Nicole, “Yeah, and if you had, you just would’ve done the opposite of whatever we told you to do.” Slapping Courtney in the shoulder, “Which probably would’ve been a good thing, eh?”
Scrambling to say anything to keep the remaining members of the A-BOB’s together, I plead, “But you two are my…family.”
Now forming a group hug around me, back-up singers are once again in full effect in my presence when they say in unison, “And we always will be.”
Courtney whispers in my ear, “Nothing changes between us, other than a few more miles to travel to see each other. Got it, girl?”
Wrong. This changes everything.
I go nowhere high
Go nowhere warm
Until I see your smile and feel your calm
I crave for you boy…
You're like a parachute descending from the sky
I'm sure you're on your way
Yes I'm sure you're on the road
(Nowhere Warm, Kate Havnevik)
April showers
April, 2003
My best friends abandoning me would normally be front and center of my focus right now. I’d be dedicating every waking minute of every day trying to convince them not to leave me. I’d literally bust out that tape and super glue them to my side. But, no time for arts and crafts at the moment because Megan emailed me last night to notify me she’s back from Nepal and to tell me the trip was a huge success. Whatever the hell that means. She also wrote some other jibber-jabber about needing to have lunch with me to talk about the phone call Kurt made from Nepal and feeling bad about something or other. Frankly, once I read the first sentence that she was back, I was too focused on the email I was about to fire off to pay much attention to hers.
Kurt, I know you’re home now. I’ll be at the Lafayette studio at ten o’clock tomorrow. Please meet me there. You’ve kept everything a secret long enough and I need you to finally fill in the blanks. Chrissy
Waking in the morning, I take a long hot shower and bravely prepare for my face-to-face with Kurt, if he decides to show up, that is. To calm my nerves, I plan on attending one of Slutty Co-worker’s yoga classes before he arrives, so I dress in my comfortable yoga-wear and only apply a small amount of lip gloss. Certainly no need to pile on the make-up. With what I expect Kurt to tell me about our torrid night of drunken sex, I’ll just cry it off anyway.
Leaving my bedroom, I tap the box of Kelly’s videos and declare, “Today’s the day girl…Sorry, no more fun for you.”
I arrive to the studio, and it’s abnormally quiet. I search for my team and no one’s to be found. In fact, there’s a sub teaching Slutty’s yoga class. Weird, I think I’ll skip that. With unexpected time on my hands, I head to my office and fire up my computer to check for a response from Kurt. To my surprise, there is one.
Chrissy, you’re right. Too many secrets. Relieved to have it all out in the open now. See you at ten o’clock. Kurt
Glancing at my watch, it’s nine o’clock. One more hour until I finally get some answers. I poke my head into the lobby to look for my crew again, hoping for some kind of distraction, but it’s empty. I take the opportunity to hit up the mediation room to further prepare myself for whatever comes flying out of Kurt’s mouth. Leaving the door open a crack so I can hear when my rag tag team decides to show up for work, I turn on some soft music, light the candles encircling the space and sit criss-cross applesauce (as Kendall calls it) on the floor facing the calming, water fountain-filled atrium. The tranquil sound of the water as it cascades down the rim of the fountain and drops lightly into the small pool surrounding it blocks out the clutter in my head and instantly puts me at ease…for about five minutes.
Almost as soon as my mind is at rest and it feels like I’m gently floating around the room, my eyes snap wide open at what sounds like all hell breaking loose in the lobby. The studio doors burst open, and I hear Slutty Co-worker arguing with a man. I listen a little more, and then swiftly place my hands on my stomach when his voice becomes recognizable.
“Oh my God.”
Staying seated, but tilting my head in the direction of the conversation, I listen intently as the two of them argue.
“This was a mistake! She’s gonna kill me for doing this!”
“Where is she?”
“You know what, it seemed like a good idea to contact you last night, but now that you’re actually standing here, I’m second guessing everything. I shouldn’t have emailed you! You shouldn’t have flown here!”
“Well I guess you should’ve thought twice before you wrote me with, ‘Chrissy’s in trouble, she really needs you.’”
“But I didn’t actually think you’d take the first flight out! I thought you’d ease into asking why she needed you with…Oh I dunno, MAYBE A PHONE CALL!”
“Just tell me where she is.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I didn’t tell you what she needed you for. And, man-oh-man, is she EVER gonna fire me over this.”
“Another thing you should’ve thought about before you contacted me, but not my problem. Look, I’m only gonna ask one more time before I lose my
shit. Where is she?”
“I don’t know.”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T KNOW?”
My slutty old meddling friend apparently took matters into her own hands last night and emailed Leo in what looks like some kind of attempt to give me the fairytale life I’ve always dreamed of, and which I will undoubtedly kill her for trying to do. Judging by the sound of his voice, she probably knows just as well as I do that he’s two seconds away from screaming out my name and alarming over a hundred well-paying patrons, so she resignedly seals her fate in the unemployment line.
“Fine. Stay right here. I’ll go find her.”
We're here and now
Will we ever be again
I have found
All that shimmers in this world
Is sure to fade away again
(Shimmer, Fuel)
Knights in Shining Armor
April, 2003
Quite frankly I’m torn between the shock of Leo being twenty feet away from my pregnant body, and the audacity of Slutty Co-worker. Forget the unemployment line, that woman will be lucky to make it out of this building alive. I hear her prying little footsteps get closer to the meditation room, and I use up every second until she reaches me to figure out how to deal with the hand she just dealt me. I take notice of the door opening and then closing softly behind, but I don’t turn around.
“Hunny?”
Silence.
As sweet as I’ve ever heard Slutty Co-worker, she chirps, “You look real pretty today.”
“How would you know? You’re staring at my back.”
“Your back looks real pretty today. Can hardly tell there’s an extra twenty-five pounds strapped on to the front of it.”
Brushing off her lame attempt to boost my vanity, I unleash.
“Who the hell do you think you are to ask him to come here?”
The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) Page 32
