by A. S. Kelly
And my world starts shaking like an earthquake.
Tell me that you’ll stay for one more song… Cause it might be the one that makes you mine…
The numbness, the confusion that I’m wading in.
I can’t bear the thought of being alone… And I’m worried that I’m running out of time… You’ve somewhere else to be.
The words go into my mind and wake up in my heart, closed in a dark silent chamber. The light is coming from someplace. It’s not a bright light, and it’s certainly not a blinding light. A lantern in the night, a sign, a tiny hope.
So promise me before you leave you’ll stay for one more song.
And I’d like to stay, for this song and all the ones after it. I’d like to stay with him and be able to give him all he deserves. And yet my legs are moving on their own. I get up off the stool and head for the exit without having the nerve to look at him and see the disappointment cause by my umpteenth refusal.
I would like to run to him up there on the stage and fall into his arms and cry on his shoulder. To let myself be held and loved. And yet I am doing the exact opposite. I find myself outside, alone and panting, fighting this knot in my stomach that is choking me.
It’s not possible to just erase all this with a big paintbrush, to color everything a vibrant green, like his eyes and paint that happy ending I was holding onto up until a few weeks ago.
Why can’t I let his heart beat next to mine and have our happily-ever-after just like I’ve always dreamed about?
“Ciara.”
His voice pulls me from my tears.
“Please don’t do this. Don’t push me away from you.”
I do not turn around, I let his words wrap themselves around me.
“I don’t demand that you love me and allow me to be with you, it’s just… don’t lock me out like this forever. Give me a chance, just one, to stand by you.”
I turn slowly and the sincerity in his eyes is hurtful to look at.
“Don’t you understand? I don’t want this. I don’t want you to settle for this,” I say, indicating myself with an open hand. “I want for you the best of everything because you deserve it, Aaron. I wish I could be the one to give that to you, I wish I were able…” my voice breaks and Aaron takes a step closer to me.
I freeze, conflicted between taking a step back and letting him touch me once again.
“May I?” he stretches out a hand. “May I hug you?”
And with that, the dyke gives way. The walls give way. The fear gives way. The fog lifts and my heart starts beating again, so strongly it could break on my ribs. I nod with my head, freeing my soul from the death grip the solitude had on me and the light coming off his eyes is so intense I have to shut mine.
He comes to me and caresses my shoulder.
There’s that shiver. I feel it.
He pulls me to him and wraps his arms around me. The moment my head makes contact with his chest he starts shaking and crying in silence.
His cries fill my heart and I hug him back and when he feels it, he whispers in my ear: “Now I can start living again.”
And I can too.
—
AARON
I pull her back and take her face in my hands. I dry her tears with my thumbs and smile sincerely because I have hope again and maybe all isn’t lost.
That we’re not done yet.
She smiles back at me, letting my hands touch her face, like I have a hundred times before, without pulling back.
And it feels like the first time to me, the first time that I’ve really touched her. I am so emotional my hands are trembling.
Ciara notices because after a few seconds, she places her hands over mine, squeezing gently.
Hope train coming through. All aboard.
I sigh, relieved and encouraged: Ciara is letting me get next to her and I swear that this would be enough for me, just to touch her and look at her without hurting her.
“You feel like taking a walk?” I ask her with anxiety.
She nods and breaks away from me.
We cross the street and go towards the pier, illuminated by lamp posts and the boats floating in the bay for the night. We walk side by side for a while without speaking and without looking at each other.
Then I ask her if she wants to go down to the beach where the low tide would allow us to walk on the wet sand. She agrees and we head down a little pathway that leads to a little sandy area with cliffs exposed by the sea and which will be inundated again at dawn’s first light.
We sit on a cliff where we take our shoes off to dig our toes in the sand. It’s fucking freezing. This is summer, but it feels as if it were winter tonight.
I get up and extend an arm in her direction, silently asking her to follow me, to trust me, to take my hand and take this life. I am proposing to her with my eyes, asking that she should live beside me.
To let me love her.
She stares at it for a minute, biting her lip, then looks up at me and I swallow hard, pushing down that heart that’s trying to make its way out through my throat.
I see indecision in her eyes, insecurity, fear and I almost stop breathing, waiting for the smallest sigh that there’s something else behind all that.
I stay with my arm extended, hand open to her, palm up, sure and sweet because that’s all I want to give her. All of the confidence she needs and all the sweetness I am capable of giving.
And then her eyes start to open and change shades, becoming deeper. The color of a June sky, clear and limpid: the color of summer that is awakening and bring with it new possibilities.
And when I see that spark all of my darkness explodes in a joyous concert of infinite melodies, warming my heart and confirming the knowledge that from now on, I will never be without this. That from this moment forward, I will fill this woman’s life with the same colors and sounds. That not a day will pass without me telling her how much I admire her. That there will not be a moment when she doesn’t feel loved.
She squeezes my fingers and stands up. She stops for a second away from me and smiles tenderly and I could faint with joy. We walk hand-in-hand along the beach in dark silence, cradled in the peace of this place and in our souls.
“I lied to you before.”
“What are you talking about?”
“When I said I didn’t know why I was at the pub. It was a lie. I knew why I was there but I didn’t know what to do or how to tell you…”
I stop in my tracks and turn to look her in the eyes.
“Whatever it is, it’s not important. Because you are here with me. That’s all that matters.”
“Really?”
I smile at her.
She lowers her glance and sighs.
“I know that things between us were rushed, confused and not at all clear. I’d just like to take it slow, that’s it. I don’t want you to rush everything just because you’re afraid of losing me. I’d like to start over. Do you think it’s possible?”
My heart jumps right out of my chest.
I come closer to her and caress her face.
“Anything you want, Ciara. I have to tell you though, I’m completely—”
“Shh…” She puts a finger to my lips. “You don’t have to say it. You don’t have to say anything.”
“This time I do have to say it. You need to know, you have to hear it for yourself.”
“I don’t want you feeling like you have some obligation to me because of what happened or because you’re scared. I want you to tell me only when you’re ready. Without fear or anxiety. Only then will I be able to believe you.”
I smile and slide my hand behind her nape to pull her in for a kiss.
“Okay,” I whisper in her mouth. “I agree.”
Ciara bites her lip nervously.
“Too soon for a kiss?”
“Hmm?”
“If I were to kiss you now, for example. Would it be too forward? Would it be insensitive of me? A real asshole thing to—”
/> “Aaron.”
“Yes?”
“You may kiss me.”
“Sure?”
“Sure.”
“Ask me, Ciara. Ask me to kiss you and I’ll do it and I promise you it’ll be alright.”
“Kiss me, Aaron.”
With tremendous anxiety that threatens to drop me to my knees on the sand, I touch her lips.
I am shy, careful…
No, damn it.
I’m fucking petrified.
Ciara lets me taste her lips slowly and sweetly as she caresses my nape with her hand and pulls me closer to her. I know I’m never going to be able to pull myself away from these lips, from this body.
From this woman.
I never believed in anything and never wanted anything. I was living in a world made up of crude reality with no dreams or expectations, closed in my safe haven.
Now I do believe in this dream. In this fairy tale.
She is my fairy tale.
And I am her prince.
32
CIARA
Aaron drives me home in his car. He parks in front of the house and turns off the engine. He gets out and comes around to my side to open the door for me.
“What’s this?”
“We’re starting over, right? Let me do things the right way,” he says, smiling at me.
I shake my head in embarrassment and accept his hand that’s helping me out of the car.
“And now I will walk you to the door.”
“It’s not necessary.”
“I want to. I want you to realize what you are capable of pulling out of me. You are the only one in the world with this super power.”
I blush and follow him to the door. I glance over to the garage door and it’s like an instant black cloud.
“You’ve stopped painting, haven’t you?” he asks, following my gaze.
“That place doesn’t feel like it’s mine anymore.”
Aaron caresses my cheek softly and I let myself appreciate it. It’s a tender touch that makes me feel understood and loved.
“I always loved watching you painting.”
I smile at him bitterly.
“When you immerse yourself in colors, the real you comes to light,” he says. “You concentrate on what you’re doing and your face takes on this blessed expression and your entire body gives out this positive light and… love. I never want you to give all of that up, especially because of him.”
His words make me sad.
“Forgive me, Ciara, for having been so stupid and blind, for not having accepted your presence immediately, your help… If I had, things would be different now. You never would have left my house and my arms. I know it’s my fault and I hope one day you will forgive me.”
“We’ve already been over this. You have nothing to apologize for. It just happened.”
“I understand that it was a terrible experience and that it’s hard to turn the page but I am here for you and I always will be. I promise you.”
He comes towards me and touches my lips lightly before breaking into a smile and saying: “Someone is watching us.”
I look towards the window in time to see the curtains shutting. I laugh and shake my head, glad for this family that worries about me and wants to see me happy.
“I hope your family will like me.”
“They’ve known you your whole life!”
“That doesn’t mean that they accept a guy like me buzzing around their little girl, who is just twenty-two years old.”
“That little girl is just about to turn twenty-three,” I say, making fun of him.
“Well then, whadda ya say we organize a little party?”
“Hmm.”
“At The Only4You.”
“It sounds great.”
“Good.” He kisses my nose and walks off. “Go inside now, I’m sure your mother and sister are dying to gossip about me.”
“Oh, I can’t wait,” I tell him in all honesty.
“Goodnight, Ciara.”
“Goodnight.” I smile at him as I open the door and close it behind me. I wait a minute, enough time to hear the car pull away, before sighing contentedly because I know that he is still here for me.
I take a few steps towards the living room and find everyone ignoring me indifferently as if they hadn’t been spying on me through the window the whole time. I cross my arms over my chest and stamp a foot on the ground, waiting for someone to speak.
“Oh, hello honey. I didn’t hear you come in,” Mom says with fake innocence.
“Oh please, Mother.”
“Okay, fine, you got us.”
At which point the ears of Carl and my brothers prick up, ready to take it all in.
“What?” I ask. “There’s nothing to say.”
“That’s how you’re going to leave us?” my little sister Amanda agonizes.
I smile and head upstairs, followed by my mother, who is not going to drop it. I enter my room and she follows me.
“Well? Did you talk to him?” she asks.
“No.”
“Ciara,” she chastises.
“I need to be sure that he really loves me first.”
“Do you still have any doubts?”
“Yes. I mean, no. I just want him to want to be with me, not feeling like he’s under an obligation.”
“Ah, Ciara. You always were stubborn. That man loves you, what does he need to do to prove it to you?”
I shake my shoulders and sit on the bed.
I don’t doubt the sincerity of his statements, it’s just that with everything that’s happened, I need to be 100 per cent sure that I am really what he wants.
—
AARON
I get back to a virtually deserted Only4You. Our customers have almost all gone home to sleep off the buzz. I go to the counter where Jay and Patrick are laughing at something Ned, our most loyal customer, has just said. He won’t go till we turn off the lights.
“Hey,” Jay says as way of greeting. “How’s everything?” He looks at me expectantly.
I don’t know, I just know Ciara allowed me to touch her, to hold her hand, to kiss her, to bring her home…
“It’s good.” I smile. “Everything’s great.”
I don’t need to lie to them or to myself. I feel free and light. Ready to love and accept someone who loves me. Ready for what is to come.
“I need to talk to you,” I add. “Where is Liam?”
“In the back, stocking up for tomorrow.”
“Perfect, let’s go.”
I nod at Rain, who was sitting at a table with some customers and ask her to cover the bar counter for a bit. She nods and comes while Patrick, Jay and I go back to find Liam.
“What’s going on? What’s with the long faces?” Liam asks.
“I have to talk to you.”
“Should we be worried?” Patrick raises an eyebrow.
“I’m not sure.”
“Okay,” Jay adds. “Spit it out.”
I take a deep breath and with my heart in my hand and with all of the sincerity I am capable of, hope that they will give me the understanding and support I’ve always enjoyed.
“The time has come,” I say in a solemn tone. “It’s time for everyone to take his own road, and for me to take mine.”
Liam gives me one of his grins.
“You’re doing this for her?”
“I’m doing it for me. I am not going back on all these years together, our friendship or our family, but I am saying that the time has come for me to think about myself, what I want and what my future will be.”
Silence falls over us. It’s not one of those silences that are full of things left unsaid, the kind that oppresses you and makes it hard to breathe. It’s a silence filled with awareness, acceptance and support.
“I’m happy for you,” Patrick says, smiling. “Really, it’s about time, Aaron. We were all so worried about you. We were afraid that this day might never come and that you would be here ta
king care of us your whole life without realizing that your life was going down the toilet. I’m happy that you have finally decided to think about the future. You deserve it.”
I nod gratefully but can’t speak.
“And I’m happy that my sister is the architect behind it all.”
“Really?”
“It’s not that I’m happy to see you or think that you… Oh God, help me. How do you deal with this, Liam? Aaron, I feel this need to kill you every time I see you, so, Liam, how were you able to not choke him in his sleep?”
“Hey!” Liam jumps to his feet with pretend resignation.
“Oh, you’ll get used to it.”
“I suppose you’re right, and I don’t think I would have allowed anyone else to be near her.”
“Thanks for your trust.”
Patrick stands up and gives me a slap on the back.
“Make her happy, Okay? Or else—”
“You’ll kill me, I got it.”
“I’ll hang you by your balls on one of those lamp posts on the pier waiting for the gulls to come over and—”
“Clear. It’s a very clear picture, thank you.”
Patrick nods and sits back down, happy things are not ambiguous.
“We’ll always be a family,” Jay says standing up to hug me. “Four Reasons To Die, forever,” he says, stepping aside and offering me his hand.
Liam and Patrick follow suit. I look at their hands, one on the other for a few seconds and then add mine to theirs.
“Forever,” I say.
Nothing lasts forever, that’s what I’ve been telling myself for the last thirty years and now I’m ready to admit to myself in front of the whole world that there are some things that are forever.
There’s friendship, and family.
There’s love.
Love is forever.
She is forever.
33
CIARA
“Close your eyes, okay? Don’t open them or Aaron will kill me.”
Rain guides me into the pub. I’m here because today it’s my birthday and the boys have insisted that I should celebrate it with them.
The pub has even been closed down for our private event. I feel emotional and even a bit embarrassed. They never close down. The customers are likely to torch the place if they can’t come out and drink for one night, and yet the boys wanted to organize this night for me.
