by A. S. Kelly
I feel surrounded by the warmth of my family and this other family to whom I am equally tied, even though there’s no blood bond.
Seven weeks have passed since Aaron and I have started over with this new thing between us. He comes to the house to visit me and hangs out with my family. He sits on the carpet in the living room like old times, watching TV all together, and when we both put our hands in the popcorn bowl at the same time it’s without embarrassment but with love and trust.
I’ve also been here at the pub a few times to listen to them play and hang out with them. We are living this period of time as it should be. Not in a hurry, without fear and with the honest desire to be together and enjoy every moment.
Aaron is attentive and thoughtful. He’s sweet and it’s hard to believe, I’m really not used to seeing him like this, but I like it. It makes me feel good and loved. With his tender gestures, his nearness, respect and all of the little details.
With every part of him.
“Mind the step,” Rain suggests as the door closes behind me. “And now… Open your eyes. Happy Birthday, Ciara!”
The place is full of my family, every member. There are hundreds of colorful balloons hanging from the ceiling and walls, banners wishing me a happy birthday.
The tables have been pushed out of the way, leaving just a few in the middle which are covered by food enough for a banquet. I bet my mom is responsible for preparing all of this, as usual.
On the side is another table full of gifts.
People approach me one by one, offering their good wishes and it’s hard to hold back the emotion.
Everyone is here for me.
Him too.
He comes to me after the others have had their turn and squeezes my hips with his hands, pulling me up against him.
“This is not your first birthday we’ve spent together,” he whispers. “I’ve always been at your parties but never like tonight, never like right now. This is the first of a series of days we’ll spend together because I am not willing to renounce anything, especially regarding us. This is for you, Ciara. It’s not a lot, I know, but I am trying my best to learn how to be the man you deserve to have. I hope to succeed pretty quickly.”
I wrap my arms around his neck and rise up on my tiptoes. “You’re already that man, Aaron O’Donovan. You always have been.”
•••
We all gather around a table and eat together. We laugh, chat and live every moment that passes and I feel just full of happiness, swollen with love and the weight I always carry is a bit lighter.
When the time comes to blow out the candles Aaron encourages me to make a wish. I don’t really have one ready. I’m feeling so good I would almost feel guilty wishing for more.
And yet, there is a little something I want.
I close my eyes and blow out the candles and everyone breaks into applause.
After the cake, the guys take the stage to dedicate a song to me. I take my place at the table between Rain and my mother and wait for the show to start.
Aaron clears his throat and takes the mic.
“Uhm, I’m not good at these things so, forgive me. I’ll let the music speak for me like I always have done until now. Life has taken a lot away from me but has paid me back in equal measure, as I’ve been lucky enough to find this family, these friends and you. Ciara, you’ve given me new life. You’ve brought me light and dreams for a future and I hope I’ll be able to repay you as long as I’m alive for every unforgettable moment you’ve given me.”
I bite my cheek and Rain takes out her Kleenex, passing one to my mother on my other side, who is crying.
I may not have the softest touch… I may not say the words as such… And though I may not look like much… I’m yours… And though my edges may be rough… I never feel I’m quite enough … It may not seem like very much… But I’m yours.
I grab the package of tissues from Rain and take three or four of them because no box of Kleenex is going to be enough to absorb my flood of tears.
You healed these scars over time… Embraced my soul… You loved my mind… You’re the only angel in my life.
Aaron is making himself vulnerable for me, he’s talking to me with his heart in his hand and hope in his eyes. Even if he doesn’t use words. He doesn’t realize that with this song and all of the sincerity of his soul he is giving me everything he has. He is opening his world to me, and it’s a place I want to stay.
For my whole life.
Blistered Hands, The Reign of Kindo, This Is What Happened Aaron
As the song ends, everyone disappears with the excuse that the bar is calling. Ciara remains sitting with wet eyes watching me approach her. I extend my hand and she takes it, rising from the chair. I hold her and wish her happy birthday.
“Thank you for everything.”
“It doesn’t end there, I still have my gift.”
“I thought it was the song.”
“Well, that was a good start.” I smile at her. “Come with me.”
I take her hand and we walk past the room with less than subtle looks coming our way. I open the door that heads upstairs and invite her to follow me. As we get to the apartment, I let her in and announce my intention to move here.
“Here? How come?”
“It’s the right moment. I need a place of my own. I know it’s just an apartment but it’s okay to start out. Then in the future we could think about having our own house.”
“Ours?” she asks me with wide eyes.
“I’d like you to come here and live with me, so that you have your own space, where you can feel comfortable painting and where I can fill my eyes with you every second of my life. I am not asking you to make a decision tonight, but when you’re ready, you’ll find me here waiting. At our house.”
“Are you sure about what you’re saying? Are you sure you want to live with me?”
“I’ve never been surer about anything, ever. I am so in love with you, Ciara. I love these hands,” I tell her, taking them one by one and kissing them. “These stains of color that never wash away. Your hot pink hair and your colorful shirts. Your infinite sweetness and amazing body. I love your sincere eyes that radiate all things positive. Your energy and your will to live. I love the most absurd details that make you unique, who you are, make you mine. It’s you, Ciara. You’re the other half of my soul.”
She looks at me incredulously and is on the verge of tears.
“I’m sorry, maybe it’s too much for you, I shouldn’t have dropped all this on you at once.”
She shakes her head. No.
“What is it then?”
“I have to tell you something.” She bites her lip nervously.
“You can tell me anything, don’t be afraid.”
“When I came to the pub that night… I needed to talk with you, but I didn’t have the courage to do it.”
I look at her, worried with that panic feeling shooting to my nerve endings.
“I, uh…”
My legs start to wobble.
“I’m pregnant.”
I think my jaw is going to smash through the flooring.
“We weren’t careful.”
I bring my hands to my head, trying to remember.
“I take the pill, but I must have missed a few.”
I blink. I blink again.
Am I breathing?
“I should have told you right away, you have the right to know, but I was confused and I didn’t know how you would take it.”
The terror I see in her eyes is enough to paralyze my every muscle.
“I thought you’d feel an obligation to be with me.”
“What?” I finally shake out of my stupor.
“I thought that if you knew about the child you would feel trapped with no way out.”
“Escape? And where would I go without you?” I tell her, drawing her to me. “Maybe you still haven’t understood how crazy I am about you, Ciara. I am yours, completely. With or without a child, th
ere is no place I could go without you by my side.”
“Aren’t you scared? Terrified by all this?”
“Are you?”
“A little, yes.”
“I’m delirious with joy,” I say before grabbing her and giving her a bear hug. “Jesus, am I happy!” I caress her hair and start to breath regularly again.
“A baby, Aaron.”
“Our baby,” I say proudly as the panic makes its way out of my veins.
She steps back to look me in the eyes.
“Your own family. Something you’ve never wanted, never thought about. Something you didn’t plan on. Everything you didn’t believe in and now you’re being thrown into it by mistake.”
I kneel down in front of her and hug her hips, putting my head on her stomach.
“The best mistake we could have made.”
I kiss her midriff as she puts her hands in my hair and the euphoria I feel is crushing.
“God, Ciara. You have no idea what you’ve done. You’ve changed my life, you’ve given me more than I could have hoped for and this baby… I don’t think you realize what is exploding in my heart right now.”
“I think I have an idea,” she says, giving me that look that says she’s feeling it too.
I look up at her. “I love you, Ciara Doyle. Sorry if I took so long to figure it out, but you know, sometimes I’m a shithead.”
She laughs and I let her go in order to stand up.
“You are my dream. You are what I need and this child is our future.”
She looks at me with those big eyes full of feeling.
“You are my dream come true.”
“And you are mine.”
“Does that mean you’ll come to live here?”
She puts her arms round my neck, wrapping both legs around me. I take her weight, steady and sure, laughing at her newly discovered enthusiasm.
“Starting tonight.”
My heart fills in a second with love, happiness and hope. Dream and reality mix up in my mind while this marvelous woman who has brought me back from the dead has given me all that she has and has freed me from the chains of solitude that were around my soul.
This woman who is about to give me the most precious thing that exists in this world: a family.
My own.
I’ll never be able to thank her enough for it.
“You’ve always been the one,” she whispers on my lips. “You’ve always been my Price Charming.”
“And I promise you that I will give you your happily-ever-after, every day of your life.”
And a promise made is a debt unpaid.
It must be upheld.
Always.
EPILOGUE
AARON
One year later
“Oh my God, I’m about to have a heart attack.”
“Don’t be melodramatic.”
“I’m telling you, that’s what it feels like.”
“It’s just a panic attack. Breathe. Go on.”
I do exactly as Patrick tells me to. I bend my legs slightly and take in all of the air that I can, but it’s not working.
“Five minutes, you guys.”
A wave of nausea threatens to choke me with vomit.
“Let’s go, Aaron. Not that much time has passed. I don’t think you used to be this emotional.”
Patrick is right. I never was an emotional type of guy, but she’s changed who I am. They changed me.
My beautiful woman and my good little boy.
Our Neil.
“Come on, it’s time.”
Jay’s father calls us all to attention. We all gather around him and look at each other for an intense moment.
Then, I collect my courage and put one hand out. The others follow suit and when I feel the heat of their hands on mine, I start to get back in my right mind.
“The Four Reasons To Die are really back.” My voice is crushed by the weight of the emotion.
“Forever,” Liam says with one of his grins.
“Forever!” we repeat in unison.
There’s been a lot of water under the bridge. We’ve been through so much in these years. And yet, here we are, ready to start over, get back in the saddle and chance this dream of ours again.
Jay’s father took charge of the situation. He decided to be our manager and help us get back into our music with our rules. We recorded our first album in a long time. We sweated, prayed and even cried a bit, but what the heck. By now it’s almost normal. We’re a big bunch of crybabies.
We thought long and hard about accepting this offer. When he brought the idea to us one night in September, it almost seemed like a joke, a gamble. We really never thought of it anymore after everything we’ve been through in the last few years.
We decided to involve the entire family in the decision-making process. Jay’s father, obviously, Patrick and Ciara’s family, the girls and Alex’s dad. Because we are one big, loud, unnerving family.
No one had a doubt.
So, we signed the deal.
And so it was. We threw ourselves back into the mix. The album, the first few concerts in pubs and clubs of a modest nature. And tonight we’re going a step farther, a concert at 3Arena, nothing modest about that, for fuck’s sake.
Here we are.
All of us are a bit older than we were, with a few too many battle scars on our skin but plenty of love in our hearts.
We started playing again and making music and even if we’re here on this stage tonight, that has a seating capacity of thousands, we haven’t forgotten where we have come from and who we are.
We continue to live in Howth and live our normal private lives out of the spotlight. The people here know who we are but are discreet with a tendency to protect us against outsiders.
The pub is still open, Only4You is our home, it’s life and love and none of us would give it up.
We’ve taken on some extra staff and the girls are there whenever they can be. They support us and sustain us and without them we would be lost.
We all work there as well and all agreed together with our manager not to tour very far from home for the time being. We like being in Ireland, our home where our our families are, because let’s just say it like it is, we can’t be separated from them even for a day.
I wouldn’t be able to think of even one night without being able to sleep by her side, being there to watch little Neil sleeping right nearby in his little crib.
Every night I listen to him breathing, I stretch out my arm and touch his little hand and I realize that however unfair life can be, how many punches we have to take in the gut, it also has a way of giving you something magic and unexpected.
When I see Ciara sitting in front of her canvas, lost in her colors and light, painting our lives with vibrant colors, I sit down to just take it all in and watch her with Neil in my arms and I tell him about how his mother is a force of nature, how she was able to get a mean old bear of a man like me to come out of his cave, about how she was able to bring back all of the joy and vitality in his life, how she loves him every second of his life.
And Neil listens to me, I know he understands exactly what I intend to do. He’s obviously a tough guy, like his mother, and when I feel his tiny hand touching my finger, I feel strength, love and happiness running through me and it sometimes seems almost too much for me. I’m overwhelmed at the emotions and wonder how my heart is able to contain them all.
But I’m not scared, I don’t feel oppressed or crushed by it. I just feel good, like I finally am me, living the life I was destined to live.
This is my place, here with them and the usual bunch of hooligans I keep company with.
I couldn’t even begin to envisage a life of chaos and confusion surrounded by fans or having a manager of dubious scruples. We like to play, we do it for ourselves and for others but we don’t fly too high. We dream, sure we do, but just enough to make us feel alive.
That’s all we’re really looking for.
We wal
k on stage and the noise coming from the crowd is nuts. Between the smoke rising between us and the spotlight on Liam, we get the show started. Tonight, is going to be a very special night for us.
We play for forty-five minutes straight. We’re sweating, full of life and euphoric but I can’t calm myself because there’s something I’ve got to do and I have to do it right now.
I nod to the guys and leave my spot to approach the mic. Quite suddely the crowd goes silent and it’s unnerving, I feel like I could faint. But the guys gather around me to give me some courage and I feel strong again.
“Good evening everybody, it’s nice to be here and we thank you for this warm welcome. We’ll resume playing shortly but there’s something I need to do now, and I’d like to share this moment with you. There’s someone special sitting in the first rows that I would like to call to the stage. Ciara… Please, would you?” I ask, looking out into the crowd in the glaring lights. Then I see her. She stands up, looking a bit confused and two security guards accompany her as she comes up on stage.
She approaches me with scared eyes, wondering what the hell it is that I’m up to, but before she can speak and before I choke on my own vomit, I drop to one knee.
The crowd goes wild, hooting and hollering and she brings her hands to her mouth. I put my hand in my pocket and pull out the red case I’ve been bringing with me for the last several months now. I bought it a while ago, but I was waiting for the perfect moment.
And by God, this is it.
“A year ago I promised you that I’d give you the happy ending you deserve, that I would make sure you got your fairy-tale ending, and I don’t think there are any credible tales that don’t have a prince who gets down on his knees before his princess to ask her to be his wife. And so here I am, keeping my promise and I will work to maintain it every day of our life together. Ciara, do you want to be my princess… Forever?”
Ciara doesn’t answer me, she throws herself into my arms, squeezing me tightly around the neck, pushing me to the ground. She kisses my eyes, my cheeks, my lips. She fills me with love, a joy of living as I hold her tightly to me.
