Awakened Desires

by Rissa Blakeley

  I quickened my pace. We both worked hard to be as quiet as possible, which proved to be a chore because my body was screaming in protest. The shudder built in her. I pulled her in close and wrapped my arms around her, knowing she was going to come for me. No matter how much pain it caused me, I was going to hold us both together. She moaned in my ear again, which was ungodly sexy. She was enjoying me and I could barely contain myself.

  Quinn fought not to cry out when her moment arrived. I held her face and watched her explode beneath me, wanting to remember every bloody second of it. She was so beautiful and I had a feeling that if we were alone, she would have screamed.

  Her body quaked as she pulsated around me, drawing J.T. in with furious passion. I was seconds away from exploding myself. She wrapped her shaking arms and legs around me, meeting me every time I plowed myself into her—each time deeper than the last.

  “Jesus Christ, Quinn…fuuuuuck.”

  She began rising again. Feeling so close myself and fearful that she would become pregnant, I alarmed her when I pulled out of her quaking body. I was ready to paint her abdomen with my seed, then I would take care of her and get her there as many times as she wanted.

  “Wha…what are you doing?” Quinn asked desperately. She grabbed at me, trying to bring me back to her.

  “I can’t…in you,” I panted.

  “It’s okay. Please,” she begged and tried to pull me back on top of her. “It can’t happen. Please…” I felt I could trust her, and I needed to find my release before my full, heavy bollocks imploded. Quinn pulled me close, allowing me to ease myself back into her waiting body.

  Again, my thickness took her by surprise. What a woman she was…so beautiful and sexy, taking me on fully. I buried myself into her with hungry thrusts. My breathing grew ragged, and she was right there with me. She wrapped her body tightly around mine, forcing me to stay in her this time. Her moment stormed through her body, crippling her. She looked stunning, shattering under me, then falling limp from the sexual exhaustion. She was so fucking gorgeous in her afterglow.

  I hung my head while holding myself up above her. The rush ran up my spine, igniting every nerve ending. Burying my face into the pillow again, I let out some seriously intense groans as my seed pulsed into her over and over again. I went limp on top of her, barely able to catch my breath. My body continued to spasm and it hurt like a motherfucker, but I rode it out like a bloody champ. That was the absolute best sex I ever had. Nothing and no one was comparable.

  Quinn kissed my ear and I lifted my head up, only to see she was crying. For a moment, I worried she was regretting what we just did or that I hurt her, but then I realized that I was feeling overwhelmed emotionally myself.

  I gazed at her face for a moment, gaining the courage, not wanting to miss my chance. I needed to find out. “Is this what it feels like?” I asked, my voice breaking and breathy as my lips trembled at each word that fell free. My eyes filled with tears.

  She reached up and held my face. “Yes,” Quinn whispered, then I kissed her in relief.

  Oh god. It’s true. We loved each other. I was feeling everything any man should. “I love you,” I murmured, brushing my lips across hers.

  “I love you, too,” she whispered with a soft smile. I stared at her for a few moments, until I felt her squirm under my weight.

  “Sorry…” I chuckled and she smiled. It slipped my mind that I had about a hundred pounds on her. After pulling out of her, we rolled over together so we could face one another. I cuddled her as close as possible into my cool, sweat-laden body while she drifted off.

  Comfort and relief settled into my mind. I loved her and she loved me. Never in my so-called life would I have imagined a moment like that for myself. I couldn’t believe it, and I was absolutely blown away.

  I laid there, experiencing what it felt like to make love for the very first time. It wasn’t just fucking for me, like it had always been. She broke the lock that opened the door to this unknown world for which my heart ached. Jesus Christ, I was in love with the most amazing woman I could have ever met. The circumstances were rather dire, but she was all mine.

  I could do nothing but watch Quinn sleep. She was the most magnificent woman on the planet. I stroked her silky hair, her whisker-burned cheek, and the gentle curve of her one exposed shoulder again and again. She was so beautiful. I was enthralled, completely smitten.

  My emotions were plowing through me. I covered my face with my free hand, which had begun to shake. My comfort and relief had left, and the guilt was taking over at a rate that rocked me straight to my core. While looking at Quinn in a peaceful slumber, I couldn’t stop myself from breaking down and silently cried to myself.

  I felt like a monster—a creature created in a lab. I invaded her life and did unforgivable things to her. But there she was, loving me, and I didn’t fucking deserve a bit of it. My chest ached from the shame, making my heart feel as if it was in a vice.

  I wasn’t human. That’s what they told me time and time again. I couldn’t feel normal emotions, and I wasn’t deserving of feeling them because I was a monster. A sick and demented monster, a no one who was not allowed to feel or live a normal life.

  I murdered people. Hundreds of thousands of people. I drank blood for survival. No one was capable of loving a demented individual like me. I carefully pushed myself away from Quinn, trying not to disturb her. She let out a slight moan when I escaped her tight embrace.

  I sat on the edge of the bed, needing to get out of there. I needed to rid her of me. She didn’t need me in her life.

  No one did.

  Standing up to dress, my feelings drew me back to the bed. I turned and faced Quinn. It hit me hard. Oh god…I loved her. I loved her so fucking much, it made my body quake. She was so beautiful and loving. She was accepting and kind. She was everything a man could want in a friend, lover, and wife.

  But I was a monster, incapable of giving or accepting love. What I felt couldn’t have possibly been real. I was a prat to believe it was. I fell to my knees on the cold, hard floor, resting my arms and forehead on the edge of the bed. I couldn’t escape the devastation I caused. No one could. It followed me and enveloped me. As long as I was still breathing, it would always be around.

  Roger’s voice rang through my head over and over again, telling me I was useless and incapable of anything worthwhile. Telling me I was nothing but a murderer, and was undeserving of a true family. Telling me my only purpose in life was to complete the mission. I tried to cry in silence, but I was unsuccessful, just like with everything else. I knew if I stayed with Quinn, I would fuck up somehow, then I would be alone again.

  “Gunther?” I heard her say. Quinn pulled herself to the side of the bed where I was sobbing. “Hey…” She grabbed my cold arms. I yanked them away.

  “Please…just leave me the hell alone.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m not good enough for you. I’m a fucking monster.”

  “No…no, Gun. You are good enough.” She reached out to me.

  “Don’t touch me! I’m not worthy of your love, and I don’t deserve what is before me.”

  The demons in my head continuously screamed at me. They slapped me, punched me, cut me deeper and deeper each time. I was reliving every beating, every painful memory. I wanted to scream, I wanted to punch the wall, I wanted to vomit. My body shook all over. Enough was enough and I needed to run.

  “You are worthy! Don’t say that.” Quinn sounded panicked and she seemed not to know what to do for me. She had seen me upset before, but not like that.

  I was completely broken mentally and having a nervous breakdown. “No, I’m not!” I raged at her. “I’m a fucking monster and you know it!” I stood up rapidly, causing myself to fall into the wall, rattling the entire shack under my weight. I found my clothes in the darkness and pulled them on. Then I picked up my Sig and checked it for ammo, jamming the clip back in.

  “Gunther…what are you doing?” I didn�
��t answer. There was no longer a need to. She was frightened, but I had to do what I had to do. Quinn hopped up, trying to stop me from leaving. I yanked open the bedroom door and stormed out. “Gunther!” She screamed as she pulled on her clothes.

  Quinn caught up to me before I went out the front door, and grabbed my arm. “Get away from me! I will bring you nothing but harm! I have only hurt you and will continue to hurt you.” Then I shoved her away with all of my might, causing her to fall to the floor. I ripped open the front door and ran out into the night.

  The front door of the shack swung wide open and the chill of the night rushed in. “Gunther!” Quinn screamed as she pulled herself up off of the floor.

  Josie sat up from her bedding, wondering what all the commotion was about. “What the fuck is his problem?” she mumbled in frustration.

  “I don’t know, but I think he is going to kill himself!” Quinn scrambled, trying to get her shoes on. Josie jumped out of bed. They both grabbed their Sigs and flashlights, and ran outside. Quinn stopped at the bottom of the rotted, wooden steps, listening hard for Gunther or anything else that could be out there in the unfamiliar landscape.

  “I don’t…,” Josie began.

  “Shhh!” Quinn listened again. She thought she heard crunching leaves behind the shack. “This way,” Quinn urged and took off running, reaching a full sprint in seconds. Josie didn’t like chasing after Gunther in the dark. It was far too dangerous, but she wasn’t about to let Quinn run the distance without her.

  “Quinn, we shouldn’t be doing this!” she shouted as she caught up to her.

  “I need to stop him. I can’t let him kill himself. Gunther!”

  The familiar pop of a gunshot rang out and echoed through the night air. They both stopped dead in their tracks.

  “No. Nooooo!” Quinn screamed, her voice carrying in the silence of the night.

  She began sprinting in the direction of the gunshot, panning the flashlight all around the area, Josie following close behind. They ran for several minutes before Quinn stopped. “Oh god. No! No!” Quinn yelled. Gunther sat, slumped over at the base of the tree. “Gunther!” she screamed.

  Josie stood horrified, afraid to look. Quinn ran to him, fearing what she would see, but she needed to know.

  Quinn grabbed my shoulders, her eyes darting around my body, looking for a wound that wasn’t there. Slowly, I looked up at her. I couldn’t believe she chased after me after I was such a bastard, shoving her to the floor like I did.

  “You didn’t…?” Quinn said, full of panic. “I thought you were going to…” I pointed off to her right side with my Sig. There was a fresh true dead lying on the ground. “You scared me!” She grabbed me angrily, pulling me into a standing position. I was surprised that she could move my big body, but her adrenaline must have been pumping.

  I didn’t speak. I couldn’t.

  “You were going to, weren’t you?” I nodded. “What stopped you?” I put my shaking hand over my heart. “See. You are not a monster. You can feel, which means you aren’t afraid to feel. Remember what you felt earlier tonight?” I nodded again. “That was real. It is real. You aren’t heartless.”

  My body shook all over. I couldn’t tell if I was cold or if I was just downright knackered. “I can’t allow you to love me,” I croaked out.

  “Yes, I am allowed and I do. It is not your choice whether or not I love you. That is my choice.”

  I grabbed Quinn by the shoulders. “How can you say that? Look at me. Look at me, goddamn it! I’m a fucking monster. Nothing more than a blood drinking, fucking monster!” I let go of Quinn and grabbed my hair, pulling it fiercely, bellowing out a scream.

  Josie stepped back, but Quinn stepped right into me. “Gunther, stop! You are going to attract more.”

  “Leave me,” I whispered. The gun was still in my hand. Quinn watched it, knowing that I could do myself in at any moment.

  “What?”

  “I said leave me! You and Josie take the truck…drive west. Don’t go to North Carolina. Go as far west as you can. Take all of the weapons and supplies. Just get the fuck away from me before I bring you more harm.” I was practically spitting in Quinn’s face. If I took her to North Carolina, she would be in more danger.

  “No! We are in this together! No matter how hard it is, we are a family!” she yelled back in my face. She was furious with me, but not half as I was with myself.

  “I’m not capable of having a family. I am not worthy.” I was repeating the words that were drilled into my head over the years.

  “Stop saying that. Yes, you’re capable and worthy. Right, Josie?” She reached out for Josie and waved her to us in an act of desperation. Quinn was going to try anything to get me to listen to her. Josie took a timid step closer. “Josie, tell him.”

  “It’s true.” Josie’s voice was soft and weary. “You guys are the only family I have left. I don’t want to lose either one of you.”

  “I killed your families. There’s so much death on my hands. I’m undeserving of anyone’s love.”

  “Please…stop saying that.” She was completely frustrated with me. “You’re scaring me, and you are deserving,” she whimpered.

  I couldn’t look into Quinn’s beautiful, loving eyes. She searched for my eyes to lock with hers. She knew that if she could get me to look at her, I would know that what I felt earlier was true.

  “Gunther, I need you to listen to me. What they did to you was nothing short of evil. They took an innocent baby and turned him into a man who would do their greedy dealings for them. You don’t have to be that man, Gunther. Look!” She held up my arm where she had cut out the tracking device. “Look. They can’t find you anymore. You are your own person.” I ran my rough fingertips down the line that was still bumpy with stitches, then I found Quinn’s eyes. “You walked away. There is nothing stopping you. You can love. I saw it in your eyes tonight and I can see it now. You are hurting deep down inside and I want to help rid you of that pain.”

  I hated to admit it, but I was a broken man. Even though she stood strong against me, I felt she wasn’t sure if she could ever put me back together. Frankly, I was doubtful myself. Through her words and touch, Quinn’s heart bled for me. It was an amazing feeling to have someone care about me that much.

  “But I’ve hurt you in the worst ways possible. Irrevocably. I’ve taken everything away from you.”

  “I forgive you.” Impossible, I thought. Why would she give me such a tremendous gift? I wanted to collapse on the ground when she said those three words. It was so much more important than the “I love you” she had voiced to me. “You need to forgive yourself. Yes, you were the one who pulled the trigger, but you were brainwashed. We will get through this together.” She held my face in her hands. “I know you don’t understand why I love you, but you have got to believe me that I do.”

  “I can’t believe you forgive me.” I was astonished. My hands shook as I reached for her face.

  “Gun…”

  “Uhh, guys,” Josie warned. “We have company.”

  I looked up. It was dark, but I could see there were several staggering shadows lumbering our way. “Both of you get back to the house, and don’t open the door unless it’s me.”

  “I’m not leaving you alone with them!” Quinn yelled as she raised her Sig.

  I grabbed her by the shoulder and pushed her toward the house. “Go…now!”

  “No!”

  “Stop arguing with me, and do what I fucking tell you to do!” I growled. I know I scared her. Josie grabbed her hand and practically dragged her back in the direction of the shack. I could hear her protesting the entire way.

  “Quinn, come on! Run faster!” Josie demanded as she clutched Quinn’s hand. Their feet were pounding on the ground while weaving around the trees. The chill of the night air was burning in their lungs.

  “No! We have to help him!” Quinn stopped, jerking Josie back with her.

  “He said for us to leave and that’s what w
e are doing. Now, let’s go!”

  With reluctance, Quinn ran back to the shack with Josie. “I don’t feel right leaving him like that. What if he needs help?” She paced around the inside of the shack, looking out all of the windows, trying to see any signs of Gunther coming back. “If he isn’t back in a few minutes, I’m going out there.”

  “He will be pissed if you do that.”

  “I know, but I can’t leave him out there like that, battling on his own. Why did I agree?” She rubbed her hands together in front of her parched mouth while staring out the bedroom window, willing Gunther to appear from the woods behind the shack.

  A gunshot echoed through the night, Gunther yelling right behind it. A shudder ran through Quinn’s body. She turned and looked at Josie. “Stay here.” She bolted out the door before Josie could stop her.

  “Quinn!” she yelled, running behind her. She tried to grab her, but she was too fast. Josie stood at the front door, deciding she was too scared to go back out. Guilt was crippling her, but she slammed the door shut anyway.

  The herd staggered closer. Since there were only a couple rounds left in my Sig, I looked around for something that I could use as a weapon. All I could find was a broken piece of a large tree branch.

  “Come on, you sick pigs! Come on!” I began swinging at the undeads, using the branch like a baseball bat. Not that I knew a thing about baseball, but I caught a few Braves games in Atlanta while on the prowl.

  Since the undeads were already grossly decaying, their heads splattered when the branch connected, dropping them in rotten piles of gore.

  “Come on!” I yelled again.

  As I stepped closer to hit another one, I stumbled over a root cluster. I fell to the ground, taking the undead man with me. I struggled, trying to keep him from biting me. My fingers sunk into his rotten flesh as I fought him. I tried to reach for my Sig, but I realized I dropped it in the fall. If I had a breath mint in my pocket, I would have jammed it in his mouth, along with the business end of my Sig.