Awakened Desires

by Rissa Blakeley

  “What did she say?”

  “She said she was a journalist and she thinks she knows how this all started. She has insider info from some intelligence official.”

  I quietly limped around for a moment. “That’s impossible. She probably was on some sort of conspiracy theorists trail or something.”

  “What if she does know?” Quinn’s voice wobbled and her body language said she was starting to panic. “They will kill you…us!”

  “Calm down.” I rubbed her arms. “I can handle it if need be.”

  “I don’t know. There are too many of them and they’re fully-armed.” She shuddered. I wondered if the scene of me being beaten on the side of the road was running through her head. Probably.

  “It’ll be okay. I’m trained for this, remember?” Quinn shook her head. “Just calm down. I will handle it if anything happens.”

  I pulled Quinn into a hug and did my best to comfort her. Once the others came in, I steered her off to the bedroom and spewed a lie about how the memories from her family stirred a little too close to the surface, causing her to have a meltdown. Thankfully, they all understood and not another word was said. From that moment forward, I planned on listening to every conversation I could to try and figure out what Eve knew.

  Chapter 29

  I had lost track of time. I wasn’t sure what day, week, or month it was, but I was enjoying cuddling up with Quinn every night. I had never felt more comfortable with someone in my entire life. I was feeling better physically, as well. I was still sore, but I was dealing with it.

  I was lying on the bed with my head in Quinn’s lap, coming down from another mind-numbing high, keeping my eyes closed because my vision was doubling. We were careful only to perform the draws in the bedroom while everyone else was busy. She gave me another half-bag. It was glorious. I only had a few bags left, so I had to use them sparingly. At some point, I needed to find a blood donation center or a hospital.

  Quinn was rubbing her hand over my hair that had grown in since it had to be shaved, and Josie was sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall and reading a book.

  I began thinking about Carly and the baby. I wondered how they fared. I wondered if they were still alive. Then I pictured that little blonde lass on the side of the highway before I found Quinn. I sat up with a gasp.

  “What?! What’s wrong?!” Quinn asked. I sat there gasping for air, clutching my chest. “Gun, tell me what’s wrong.” I looked at her face. So caring, so lovely. My hands shook as they reached for her. “Gunther, you’re scaring me.”

  My jaw trembled and I knew I had to tell her. It was time to clear out that skeleton. “I need to talk to you,” I croaked out. Fear ran rampant across my face. My breath was caught in my throat and felt as if I couldn’t pull in another. My throat burned, my chest ached, and my stomach was in knots. I felt like I wanted to vomit.

  “Josie, can you leave us alone for a few?” Josie jumped up and headed out of the bedroom, softly closing the door the behind her. “Okay, talk to me.”

  “You will hate me.”

  I couldn’t handle that. I couldn’t handle knowing that Quinn would hate me and want to rid herself of me. I had to get out of there before the shack walls closed in on me. I jumped up off the bed and grabbed my gun and a hoodie, pulled on my boots, and whipped open the door.

  “Gunther! Wait…” I heard her leap off the bed. Everyone was looking at me in my panic-ridden state. Ignoring them, I dashed out the front door. I was surely giving Quinn a flashback of when I nearly ate a bullet, but I had to get out of there before I died of asphyxiation. She was yelling for me as I ran off the steps and headed around to the back of the house.

  My big boots were pounding on the leaf-covered earth, absorbing every step. She yelled for me again. I stopped in my tracks and fell to my knees.

  “Gunther!” I fell onto my hands, but the air didn’t want to go in or out. “Gunther!” I heard her padding up to me. “What’s going on?” She sat down on the ground in front of me.

  My fingers dug into the soft, decayed earth, holding on for dear life. I tried to focus, but I was unsuccessful because I was still feeling the after-effects of my high. My stomach was revolting, but I fought desperately to keep it under control because I didn’t want to lose the precious source of life she had just given me.

  I lost the fight and vomited.

  “Jesus…Gunther!” I lost every bit of what I had in there. “Oh god.” I heard a swarm of footsteps coming up behind us. “Just go. I’ll come get someone if I need them.”

  “Are you sure?” Levi asked.

  “Yes! Go, please!” Quinn begged. I was on all fours, heaving. I heard the hesitant footsteps heading back toward the shack as I coughed out my last bit of what was in my stomach. Quinn grabbed my shoulders. “Gun, are you okay?” Her voice was so soft and healing against the grain of my sickness.

  My eyes traveled up her body and met her beautiful, rich brown eyes. I choked out a sob, then whispered, “I’m so sorry.” She looked at me with confusion. “I’m so fucking sorry,” I repeated. I leaned forward and rested my head on her shoulder.

  “Come here.” She pulled my big body into hers and there I was, once again, crying like a fucking baby. Through every sob and shudder, she ran her hands up and down my back, murmuring how much she loved and wanted to help me get through whatever it was that made me so upset. I had serious doubts that she would still feel so much love after what I needed to tell her.

  I was able to gather myself enough to look into her eyes again. The shame I felt was overwhelming.

  “Please…talk to me,” she pleaded, rubbing my ear and softly running her fingers over my cheek. I glanced away, but I knew had to tell her. She deserved to know all of my dirty secrets so she could decide whether or not I was worthy of her love.

  “When I was in New York…,” I choked out and let out a few short, quick breaths. “Oh god…”

  “Gunther, you have to talk to me. I need you to tell me why you are so upset.”

  “I got a woman pregnant,” I whispered and looked up at Quinn, hoping she wouldn’t hate me.

  “What?” She stared at me for a moment. “I mean, I heard what you said…” She shook her head.

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t forthcoming with you.”

  “I don’t know what to say.” I tried to reel in my emotions and let out a loud exhale. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to go into the full details about Carly. Just thinking about her made me feel nauseous again. “Did you love her?” she asked.

  At that point in my life, with Quinn, I finally understood what true love was. Did I love Carly? No. However, I did have deep feelings for her and I was attached to her for reasons I didn’t understand at the time. It wasn’t love, but I had a strong physical and emotional attraction to her.

  “No,” I said weakly.

  “How did it happen? I mean… I know how it happened. I just…”

  I breathed deep a few times, trying to allow my tangled thoughts and words to come together. Then I just let it out, “Her name was Carly. Carly Reede.” That was the first time in a while I had said her name out loud. “She managed the hotel I was staying at while I was…” I covered my face with my disgusting hands.

  “I know what you’re getting at. Please continue.” I lowered my hands and tried to read Quinn’s expression. Blank.

  “As you know, I was there for a few months.” I sat back on my knees. “My behavior wasn’t the finest it could have been. I was checking into the hotel and I wanted her as soon as I saw her. I took her out to dinner that night and we went back to her flat which, oddly enough, turned out to be the same building Henry lived in…but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, we had sex and I didn’t use protection. Afterward, I went back to my hotel room.”

  “So, pretty much, you were with her that night just to get laid?”

  “Yeah, I suppose that was the case.” It was exactly the case and I knew she understood that. I think she was just saying it
out loud. “I woke up the next morning, wanting to talk to her because of how things ended the night before. I ran into her at breakfast and, well…we went to her office and had sex without protection again.” Even more shame filled me and I could see the disgust in Quinn’s eyes because I treated Carly terribly. I let out another exhale. “I wasn’t looking for a relationship. She chased me a few times and I avoided her like the plague. Jesus Christ…” I scrubbed my bearded face.

  “Go on,” she snipped. I couldn’t tell if she was angry with me, or angry with my behavior. I lay down on the ground and tentatively placed my head in her lap, hoping she would accept me. She didn’t touch me, but allowed me to rest my heavy, thought-filled head across her legs.

  “It was near time for everything to go down, but I wanted to see her again before I left town. I approached her and she was very short with me, like she was fiercely angry. Rightfully so, I suppose. We agreed to meet for dinner and that’s when she told me. She was a virgin, Quinn. I know she was telling the truth because I saw the evidence myself after our initial encounter.” I covered my face with my hands.

  I felt a rush of emotions coming on again and I couldn’t stop them. My body tensed up and I was seconds from bawling. As much as I tried to hide it from myself, I was finally admitting that I killed my own child.

  I rolled on my side, pressing my face against her stomach. “Oh god…,” I croaked out.

  “Shh…,” she said quietly. She ran her fingers through my hair and rubbed my shoulder.

  “I… Fuck.” My throat burned and it felt like it was closing up. I could barely swallow. I choked out another sob. “I’m sorry,” I whispered with the heat of fire ravaging my throat. I curled up into a ball, my face still pressed into her abdomen, and it happened. A silent cry rendered my body unusable.

  “Shh…,” she murmured again. I didn’t deserve comforting. I deserved to be hanged, or shot, or tortured.

  “I killed my own child.” When I said the words out loud, I wanted to cut my own tongue out. I thought about the bullet that had my name on it already. “Oh god, Quinn…”

  “Shh…,” she said again. She leaned over and gave me even more affection that I didn’t deserve. She whispered in my ear how much she loved me and how it wasn’t me that did those things. She was the most amazing woman on earth. So accepting and forgiving. I wrapped my arms around her waist.

  “I’m so undeserving of this, of you…of everything that you’re doing for me. Everything that you’ve done for me.”

  “Listen to me.” She grabbed my face and made me look into her eyes. “If this ever settles down, you and I will travel to New York to see if we can hunt her down, okay? We will see if she and your child survived. Until then, I don’t want you to beat yourself up over any of it.”

  “I was cruel. I could never face them. I’m too much of a pussy.” I turned my face back into her abdomen.

  “I’m not pleased with this news. I’m pissed that you didn’t tell me before, and I’m not denying how cruel you were, but I want you to remember that the things you did were because you were under the thumb of a tyrant.” I nodded into her stomach, but I still didn’t feel like I deserved her kindness. I looked up at her and she wiped my face with her sleeve.

  “I want to be a father.” Holy fuck…what did I just say? Did I really want to be a father? Did I want to be responsible for something that couldn’t take care of itself?

  She let out a sad sigh and kissed my forehead. “Well, unfortunately, as long as you are with me, that isn’t going to happen.” I nodded again.

  If I wanted to be with Quinn, I had to accept I would never be a father. It was probably for the best. The world didn’t need any little Gunther’s running around, especially if they were just like me.

  We lay there for a while. She continued to love on me and I tried not to beat myself up over it. It was fucking hard, but with all of her coaxing and love, I eventually calmed down.

  “Would you let me shave your head again?”

  I looked up at Quinn’s face. “Yeah…sure.”

  “You ready to go back in?” I nodded.

  When we walked through the door, Shannon and Reid were snuggled up, napping; Levi and Janny were quietly playing cards; and Mitch and Eve were whispering heatedly amongst themselves.

  “Hey, Levi? Can I get that razor? I want to cut Gunther’s hair.”

  “Of course.” Levi got up and rifled through his bag. When he turned around to hand it to Quinn, I had meandered toward the kitchenette. I heard him whisper, “Is he okay?” Shannon and Reid had sat up on their elbows, listening.

  “Yeah. He just had a little emotional moment. He needed some privacy to get it out.”

  With a raised brow, Levi said, “I see.” I sat down in the rickety chair and pulled off my shirt, trying to ignore Levi questioning Quinn.

  Quinn took the razor and walked over to me. She took her time, taking my hair right down to my scalp. She lovingly swept her hands across my body, ensuring every hair that could possibly make me itch was gone. Her tender touch was so soothing. It was just what I needed after my admission. She knew exactly how to care for me and I was so thankful for that.

  Chapter 30

  The sun was setting. From the grimy window by the front door, Quinn watched me going over the weapons with everybody. I knew everything there was to know about weapons. Besides knowing how to use every one, I could take them apart and put them back together in a snap. She occasionally witnessed it when I was bored.

  I glanced at Quinn when she opened the door and stepped out onto the dilapidated steps. The cold air rushed at her like a slap in the face, making her cheeks a beautiful pink. I smiled at her, then turned back around to continue instructing Levi.

  In between showing him how to load and unload the rifle, along with proper positioning, I rubbed my neck. The ache was blooming, but I was so engrossed in showing Levi how to use the weapon, I was ignoring it.

  “Gunther?”

  “Yeah?” I didn’t look back at her.

  “Can you come here?”

  I told Levi that I would be right back. As I walked up to Quinn, I rubbed my neck again. “What’s going on, love?” I leaned on the railing and kissed her.

  “I think it’s time you came in.” She tapped my nose with her finger. I smirked. “It’s getting dark and colder. Plus, I noticed that you’re in need.”

  “I’m in need of a few things,” I said in a low, gritty voice.

  “I bet, but you need a fix. You’re graying and you’ve been rubbing your neck.”

  “Yeah, I know. Shannon already asked me what was wrong with my eyes.”

  Quinn’s eyes opened wide. “What did you say?”

  “The truth. That they look grayer sometimes. No worries, love. I’ve got it handled.” I pulled Quinn close to me and groaned into her ear. Then I whispered, “I need you so very badly.”

  “We need food Gunther.” She pushed me back. “We’re almost out.”

  “Why do you have to ruin this moment with your practical side?” I asked with a sigh.

  “So sorry. Next time, I will think about your raw animal desire to fuck me senseless before I open my mouth to tell you about our situation with life’s necessities.”

  “That’s my girl,” I laughed. “I’ll talk to them about going out first thing to see what we can find.”

  “That worries me with your leg.”

  “Love, I’m doing well. I’m walking well.”

  “You still aren’t one hundred percent, so I’m still worried. I’m also worried something will happen to you if you are with Mitch.” She looked past my shoulder. “He’s watching us.”

  “Don’t worry about me. Worry about him. I can handle him. I won’t let him catch me off guard.” Quinn sighed. “The circumstances were a little different when he shot me.”

  “Fine. Now, let’s get everyone inside.”

  I went back to where the crew was standing. She stayed put and watched from the steps. “Momma Quinn w
ants us inside.” I glanced back at her and she rolled her eyes at me. Everyone picked up the weapons that were strewn about and headed back into the shack.

  Josie was kneeling on the floor, looking at what food we had left in the one lonely bag that still had a few supplies in it. There was one tin of soup, a half-eaten box of crackers, two protein bars, and one crushed snack cake. We were fine on water because of the pump behind the shack.

  The crew still had a couple military packs full of MRE’s that they stole when they raided that military base. They had offered to share a few times. Josie practically salivated every time they busted them open.

  “That’s it?” I asked her. She looked at me disapprovingly. “I take that as a yes. You and Quinn eat up. I’ll be fine.”

  That was a lie, but it was a sacrifice a man made for his family. Janny quietly approached and spoke to Levi and Mitch. Then she went to one of their packs and pulled out six MRE’s. She walked over to me and held them out. “Here, take these.” Janny smiled. “You guys need some nutrition. Y’all are looking sickly.”

  Josie’s face lit up, until I said, “No, thank you.” I put my hand up, refusing Janny’s generous offer. “I don’t want to owe anymore favors.”

  “It’s a gesture of kindness from me. No favors owed.”

  I shook my head, then in a lowered voice said, “I don’t trust him.” My eyes darted toward Mitch.

  “I know, but please. At least take a couple for your girls.” I looked back at Josie, who was looking desperate. I sighed and took all six that Janny offered.

  “Thank you,” I murmured. “You’re very kind.” I rolled my lips into my mouth, feeling the emotions overwhelming me.

  Janny smiled. “You are, as well. You just need to let people in.” She patted me on the shoulder.

  “I wish I could.” I frowned. “It was hard enough letting Quinn in. I think she knows more about me than I do about myself.”