Awakened Desires

by Rissa Blakeley

  I pulled out of her mouth just enough to see my seed glisten on her tongue as it pulsed out again and again. Once she swallowed every drop I gave her, I pulled her up and kissed her lovingly.

  “Mmm…,” I moaned. “You are the most amazing woman on the planet. No one compares to you.”

  She smiled as I kissed her again. “It’s only because I have the most amazing man on the planet,” she murmured against my lips. “That was unreal, Gun. I loved every second of it.”

  “Glad to hear it. We will play more again when we can. Maybe a little rougher? I wanted to be easier on you. Maybe I can tie you up?” She moaned in delight. I let my lips linger over hers for another moment before I reached down and jacked up my cargoes. It took us a minute to find hers. Just as she was pulling them on, I smacked her fit arse one last time for good measure.

  She yelped, then started laughing. “Come on. Let’s get back to the truck before Josie wakes up.”

  Quinn wrapped her arm around my waist, tucking her hand in my back pocket, and I rested my arm around her shoulders. We walked the twenty feet back to the truck, only to see Josie standing outside with her arms crossed.

  “Oh shit, love. I do believe we are in trouble with the boss.”

  “You two are so fucking disgusting! I could hear you, you know! The whole world probably could!”

  Feisty little bird. I smiled at her attempt to be angry. “Well, if you were sleeping like a good little lass, you wouldn’t have.” I chuckled and opened the door for Quinn.

  “It’s bad enough that I know you two are having sex, but hearing it makes me want to puke.”

  I turned and looked at Josie as I closed the door. “Now, now…little daughter. Mummy and Daddy need private time to themselves once in a while. Next time, stay in the truck.” I patted her on the top of her head.

  “Ugh! You are such an asshole sometimes!” Grumbling, she yanked open the door and jumped back in the truck, slamming the door shut behind her.

  I chuckled again as I went back around to the driver’s side and jumped in. Quinn, who had her hands over her mouth, was trying hard not to laugh. “Well, love…” I stretched my arms around the seat. “I don’t know about you, but I’m knackered and could use a rest. You wore me out yet again.” I winked at her.

  “Oh, my god! Would you stop it?! So fucking gross!” Josie yelled as she was wrestling around with the blanket and pillow. Quinn and I both laughed.

  I locked the doors and tipped the seat back so I could stretch out as best I could. I reached over and touched Quinn’s cheek. She smiled at me and took my hand in her lap. I laid back and dozed off.

  After a nap, then driving a few more hours, we found an empty house and decided to stay a few nights to get some rest. I was thankful for the king-sized bed and being able to cuddle with Quinn. Plus, I could properly make love to her versus taking her over a boulder, or up against a tree, or over a bale of hay. Although, those times were pretty fucking erotic.

  Before we were going to take off again, I was sorting through our cache of weapons and Quinn sat down on the floor with me. I was busily checking, reloading, and organizing them in the trunk. “Can I ask you a question?”

  I looked up and smiled at her. “Absolutely. You can ask me anything, you know that.”

  “You still want to kill Henry, don’t you?” I avoided her eyes and looked down. “Gunther…I deserve the truth.”

  “What makes you think that?”

  “It’s just a feeling I have. Intuition, I suppose.”

  I couldn’t avoid it and had to tell her the truth. “Yes, fine. I still want to kill him.”

  “I thought we had an agreement,” she snapped at me. “You promised me.” I had nothing. She was completely right. I did promise her. “You said maybe you could make it right with him. Why did you lie to me? What else are you lying about?” She waited for an answer, but I had nothing to give her. “Are you going to answer me or sit there and stare at me like you’re a fucking idiot,” she growled. The venom in her voice was sharp.

  Her intentional words stung and my anger bubbled over. “I’m not a fucking idiot and I would appreciate it if you didn’t call me that!” I stood up and stormed out of the room. I stalked up the stairs and when I made it to the bedroom, I slammed the door shut.

  Furious, I paced around the room. I was so fucking angry and hurt. Did she really think I was an idiot? She had called me an asshole hundreds of times, but it was always playful. Never had she said something that was so rich with venom.

  I tried to control the rage pumping through my veins, but I was at the breaking point. All I heard when she called me an idiot was Roger’s voice.

  “Gunther?” I snapped my head toward the closed door when I heard her voice come through it. I was pretty sure I had steam rolling out of my ears.

  “You need to leave me alone for a few.”

  “I’m not leaving you alone until we talk about this.” She opened the door and stepped in.

  I stepped up to her and hit the door with my palm, slamming it shut and causing her to jump. I trapped her between my body and the door, getting right in her face. “Don’t you ever call me that again! Are we fucking clear?” My whole body was shaking. It took every last ounce of reservation not to put a hole in the bloody wall.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that to you.”

  “You are right about that! Do you have any idea how long I lived being called everything under the sun, except my own name? Any fucking idea?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then why?!” I was yelling right in her face.

  “Please, just calm down for a second. You’re frightening me,” Quinn said in an oddly composed voice for someone who said I was frightening her. “Just back away and take a breath.”

  “That’s what I was trying to do and you still came in to confront me!”

  “Gunther, you need to step back right now!”

  After a long, hard stare at her, I stepped back, jammed my hands in my pockets, and began pacing the room again. Thankfully, we had found a house with some space. I had plenty of room to stretch my legs. She was still standing by the door. I paced past her several times, then stopped in front of her.

  “Do you know how hard it is to constantly be ridiculed from moment one? To constantly be told you are a nothing and a nobody? To be called names which are beaten into you so much, you believe it about yourself? To be denied the basic needs every human deserves? To be given a death sentence that will end in the ugliest of ways? To be given a position of power for it only to be used against you? That is my life. That is what I live. It will never be right in my head, and it will always haunt my every thought and dream.” I paused for a moment. I needed to choke back the emotion barreling its way out of my chest.

  She stepped toward me. “Gunther…”

  “No. Don’t. I’m not done yet.”

  She backed off. “Okay. Finish then.”

  “What happened this morning before we got out of bed?” I asked her, wanting to prove a point.

  She looked at me, confused for a minute. “We made love?”

  “Are you questioning what it was?”

  “No, I just…”

  “And what did you say to me?” I snarled.

  “I…”

  “What did you fucking say to me, Quinn?”

  Tears ran from her eyes and her jaw trembled as she tried to speak. “That I love you so much, and you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, next to Carrie and Max.”

  “Exactly, but I’m an idiot?! The best thing that ever happened to you is an idiot?!”

  “You aren’t. I’m so sorry,” she cried. “I didn’t mean it. It’s just a meaningless word. I didn’t intend it that way. I was furious that you lied to me.” She wiped her face with the sleeve of her sweater.

  “I’m not going to deny I lied, but I can tell you that ‘idiot’ is not meaningless to me. That word is one of many that was pounded into me. Regardless of what people say, word
s hurt even the strongest of individuals. I’m weak, so it devastates me to hear you say something like that.”

  “Gunther, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say,” she muttered through her tears.

  “Do you truly think I’m what you said?”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “They did,” I said in a harsh whisper. “They fucking did, Quinn.”

  “You are not anything they said to you,” she reassured. “You are so much more than they would ever expect. You can change all of this. You can. I know it. You need to be more confident.”

  I let out a sad laugh. “I’m only confident in a few things.”

  “I know.” She reached for me and I didn’t push or move away. She wrapped her arms around my neck. Her loving touch was healing. The settling feeling in my body happened in an instant. “You’re brill, as you say to me all the time,” she whispered in my ear. She broke through all of my ire and distress, making me smirk just a bit. She looked into my eyes. “I would never think you were anything but. I lashed out in anger and it was a poor choice of words on my part. Please, accept my apology.”

  “I accept. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t handle knowing you may have felt the same as they did…do.”

  “I love you so much, but you must understand that I don’t have to love all of your choices. I want you to give some serious thought about not going through with your plan.”

  “I will think about it, but I can’t guarantee I’ll change my mind.”

  “That’s all I can hope for then. Just you telling me you will think about it is enough for now. I want you to work this out, Gun. I know you have it in you.”

  “What if I don’t, Quinn? What if I’m not who you want me to be?”

  “I don’t know, but you have to believe that you can make the commitment to be the better man. You already have proven this by your recent actions. I want you to try your damnedest to change the pending outcome. My Gunther doesn’t kill anyone without just cause. Maybe the old Gunther did, but you are no longer Roger’s puppet. You can bring a total stop to this madness.”

  “I can’t guarantee anything.”

  “Make me a promise that you will at least try.”

  “Done.”

  “Thank you,” she murmured. As I nodded, her lips brushed across mine.

  To be honest, I didn’t have a good reason to kill Henry now. I only planned on killing him because Roger wanted me to. Was I still afraid of Roger’s wrath? Of course. His torturous words always ran through my head, regardless if I was awake or asleep. I would never be able to escape what he did to me. And I would never be able to escape what I did because I feared him.

  Chapter 37

  -April 2015-

  Over the next several months, Quinn, Josie, and I fought our way into North Carolina. The cold winter months had left us, and the mild spring temperatures had settled in. Although the weather had been terribly unpredictable, so we weren’t too certain what to expect each and every day.

  There were so many roadways and areas that had been bombed. Where the road signs were missing, we relied on the onboard compass to help navigate. Not to mention the amount of undeads that we had to slaughter time and time again.

  We had all lost weight, and poor Josie couldn’t spare any to begin with. Since the day I saved her at her home, she was always so gaunt and pale. Her short, dark hair had grown into a mid-length, messy style at her shoulders. She hated it and wished she could have her short, out-of-control emo hair back. I only know this because, when her hair would get in her way, she would grumble about it.

  Quinn’s curvy figure, that I loved so much, had shrunk down considerably. She would purposely eat less of her rations, claiming she was full, and push whatever was left onto Josie. It worried me but, every time I pushed my food toward her, she told me she was fine. Quinn’s ribs were popping out, which scared me. I didn’t want her to get too thin and sickly. Many nights, she went to sleep with her stomach growling relentlessly, but she insisted that Josie needed to eat more than she did.

  Sacrifices.

  Her hair added a few more strands of gray. She said she really wished she could dye it again like she used to when life was normal. She was a little embarrassed by it, but I assured her that even if she was bald, I would still think she was the most beautiful woman to walk the earth.

  It was true, though. So fucking true. I didn’t care about her gray hairs or the couple of wrinkles by her eyes. She was beautiful and amazing to me.

  Our love for one another grew deeper and deeper day by day. Sometimes we would try to sneak off and grab a quickie while Josie was sleeping, but it was difficult for us to get away from the prying eyes of the teenager who frequently commented on how disgusting we were.

  Josie found us in compromised positions a few times. It was a bit embarrassing for everyone, but I needed my woman. I needed her touch. I needed to be in her. We were made for one another.

  I confessed to Quinn that she was the best I ever had. She was surprised by my statement, considering my checkered past, but it was true. No one felt as good to me as she did. When we made love, I connected with her on an amazing level. I never thought I would feel that way with anyone, nor did I ever look for it. I was so glad when it found me, though.

  Quinn wanted to know more about Carly and the baby. There wasn’t much to tell and I didn’t want to talk about them anyway. I already told her most of it. It would always haunt me, that was for sure, but the thought of holding my own child made my heart do weird flippy-floppy things in my chest. After doing the father thing with Josie, I really wanted a child of my own. Quinn wouldn’t be able to give that to me, so I had to be satisfied with being a father figure to Josie.

  I wasn’t, though, but I could never tell her I felt that way. I didn’t want her to feel inadequate in any way because she was anything but. I already knew she was absolutely crushed she couldn’t give me a child.

  I still worked hard at staying physically fit, even though I had lost some mass due to the lack of nutrition. I needed to maintain my ability to kick ass. I still felt strong, though. I regularly worked out with whatever resources I had whenever we stopped. I just used the natural environment, but it worked. I was still sporting a stellar physique, although it was much smaller than before. I had to wear a belt with every pair of pants, and my shirts were a bit baggy. I hoped we would get somewhere where I could eat better and build myself back up again. I would’ve loved to be able to spend a couple hours a day working myself back up to peak physical condition.

  Gas and basic supplies were hard to come by. We were desperately low on everything. A few times, we had to walk for miles to find a stray car here or there that hadn’t been blown to pieces.

  We hadn’t seen too many survivors. We seemed to have been one of the few lucky ones. Although, at this point, I wasn’t even sure if we were lucky. The bombings had definitely had a huge effect on the population.

  It was quite humbling to sit and just take in what the area, and most areas that we passed through, looked like—near complete decimation. Most areas were burned to the ground. There were very few trees, homes, or storefronts still standing. Everything was a shade of brown, gray, or black from all of the dirt, dust, and soot. There was hardly any green anywhere. There were some plants and trees still alive, but it was plainly obvious that it wasn’t like it used to be. It was quite depressing, actually. I missed the bright colors of nature.

  There were a few houses and buildings around the area, but it was sporadic. We looted whenever and wherever we could. Even a stale box of cereal was treasured. We hit the jackpot a few times with wild animals, which were also hard to come by. The last one we got was a rogue goose. After I dressed it and cut it up, we cooked it over a nice fire. Best meal we had in a long time.

  After parking in a rare small patch of woods that was still standing, I leaned back on the warm hood of the truck with a rifle in hand, admiring my love’s backside from a short distance away. I watched over Quinn
and Josie while they wandered around a little, trying to find anything edible. Every time Quinn bent over, my John Thomas twitched. Then to add to my discomfort, she would look back at me and blow me a flirty kiss.

  “Jesus Christ…you tease,” I grumbled with a satisfied grin. One more second of her teasing and I would have carried her off somewhere like a bloody caveman. “Find anything yet?!” I shouted at them. Sharp pains lingered in my abdomen, but I refused to tell Quinn. I was sure it was just a lack of food…I hoped. I was refusing large quantities from both of them because they weren’t getting enough nutrition.

  “Nope,” Quinn said. There wasn’t a bird, rodent, or bug anywhere.

  I sighed and wondered how the rest of the States looked. I suspect it was quite similar, unless the military formed a wall. Visualizing true dead bodies stacked like sandbags forming a wall across the States made me shudder.

  I refocused my attention back on my girls. Quinn came across a patch of ground that looked to be oddly disturbed. Josie just about walked over it when Quinn grabbed her hand. Noting their skittish reaction, I hopped down off of the truck and jogged toward them. Quinn pointed at the ground. I signaled for them to back off.

  I knelt down at the edge of the disturbance and brushed away the dirt and dead leaves. I smirked. An underground bunker. Brill. I stood up and walked over to where Quinn and Josie were standing.

  “It’s a bunker. I want you to raise the lid, then jump back, just in case.”

  “Are you sure? We should just leave it. What if someone is down there?”

  “What if there is food down there? I don’t know about you, Quinn, but I’m fucking hungry as hell.”

  She sighed. I knew she was just as hungry as I was. Her fatigued set eyes worried me. “Okay.” The nerves rattled her.

  I dug down into the pocket of my dingy, tan cargo pants and pulled the out the keys of the truck. I grabbed Josie’s hand, palm up, set the keys in it, and curled her reluctant fingers around them.