by Tara Kelly
Now all I could think about was how vulnerable it made me.
“You got any theories on what happened to Amber?” I asked.
“Me?” His eyes flickered to mine. “Or my mom?”
“Both.”
“You know, people assume we sit around and chat about cases over dinner. We don’t. She’s usually locked in her cave.” He tilted his head and smiled. “Her home office.”
“But you probably hear some things…”
His forehead creased, as if he was debating whether or not to continue. “It’s tough because Amber ran away once before. There haven’t been any obvious signs of foul play. She doesn’t have a car. She didn’t leave anything important behind—a purse, her phone, whatever. She basically just…” He rubbed his fingers together and opened his hand.
“They didn’t have any luck tracking her phone?”
He shook his head.
For all we knew it was in the middle of the Pacific. Along with Amber.
“What about Zach?” I asked. “Do you know if they got anything out of him?”
“All I know is nobody saw her leave. But people said he was there a lot longer than she was.”
“Dark blue house on the left,” I said as we turned down my street.
He nodded and sped up a little. “Remember how she’d go off on her dad whenever she got drunk?”
“I tried to stay as far away from her as possible.”
He pulled into my driveway. “She’d go on and on about how he cuts her down. She said she’d make him sorry one day.”
“From what I’ve seen, Amber’s all talk…”
“Yeah. Seemed that way, didn’t it?”
I could feel his eyes on me, waiting for me to say it.
“Do you think she’s alive?” The words felt heavy on my tongue.
“I think a week is a long time to be completely off the grid.”
The hiss of a metal song filled the silence between us. The volume wasn’t turned high enough to hear the words or even make out a melody. It was static and drums, an erratic heartbeat.
My fingers grabbed his door handle, squeezing it harder than necessary. “Thanks for the ride.”
“Sure. Give me a call if you ever need a ride to work or whatever.” He dug into his baggy jean pocket, pulling out his phone. “I’ll text you my number.”
“No cell.” I gave him my email address instead, ignoring his bewildered expression.
I always liked coming home to a dark empty house. It meant I could play my music through our home theater system at any volume and belt along. But tonight I didn’t want to make a sound. I wanted to make sure every window and door was locked.
At five to nine, I sat outside on the porch steps to wait for Alex. My skin was covered in goose bumps, despite the mild breeze. There was so much I wanted to say to him. So much I was afraid to.
Mom told me I needed to make a decision right here and now. Alex was either my friend…or he was more than that.
I wrapped Alex’s army coat tighter around me. Gavin continued to whimper inside, begging Mom for chocolate milk, despite throwing up everything he’d eaten today. That kid had the most sensitive stomach on the planet. Even worse than Alex’s when we were kids.
I could still see Alex’s face the day he walked into my fourth-grade class. It was early November, right before we were hit with this huge storm that tore the roof off Vista Pizza. I took one look at those big, scared green eyes-–they practically swallowed his face back then—and that feathery blond hair and knew he’d be eaten alive.
At lunch Alex and his sister sat at my table, probably because I was the only one at it. Neither of them asked my permission or said hello, but Alex glanced at me, the flicker of a smile on his lips…as if he were saying, we come in peace. I didn’t let myself get too excited. Sitting with me meant getting harassed by Jenika. Nobody else had stuck around.
Alex put an empty water bottle on the table, touching his fingers to the plastic. A ladybug crawled up the inside, toward the opening.
“What if it flies out?” Megan asked.
“Then we have to let it go,” he said.
“But I want to keep it,” she said.
“We can’t. It needs food, like other bugs.”
She covered the opening. “She’s ours. We found her.”
“How do you know it’s a girl?”
“They all are.” I remembered the way she looked at him, like it was so obvious.
“No, they’re not.”
She wrinkled her nose. “Yeah-huh. They’re called ladybugs. Lay-dee,” she emphasized for good measure.
“So?”
They debated the gender until Megan knocked her fist against the table like a gavel. “It’s a girl!”
“Fine.” Alex put his hands up. “What are you going to name her?”
Megan thought about this for a while. Her eyes found mine. “What do you think?” she asked me.
I froze, not wanting to come up with something dumb. “Um, Dot?” Clearly I failed.
She cocked her head, considering it. Alex gave me a real smile this time—or maybe the name amused him. That was when Jenika tapped him on the shoulder and whispered something in his ear. His eyes met mine. I felt like I might throw up.
He stared up at her, almost expressionless, and said, “That’s stupid.”
She sneered down at him. “You’re stupid.” Then she leaned across the table and spit on my peanut butter and banana sandwich. A big foamy wad of saliva dripped down the crust. “Eat that, Chipmunk,” she said, before walking away.
I still had some baby fat, mostly in my cheeks. She loved pointing that out, especially when I smiled. I didn’t stand up to Jenika at all back then. Like nearly everyone else, I was afraid of her. She had this way of finding people’s insecurities. Later I realized she was going to hate me whether I kept my mouth shut or not.
“How come you’re all alone?” Megan asked me. Not in a mean way. Just calling it like she saw it.
I remember Alex elbowing her and the confusion on her face. He was older than his age, in some ways. He had to be.
“I don’t know.” It was all I could think to say. I considered warning them about Jenika’s wrath. But I didn’t want them to go…
Alex picked up half his sandwich and offered it to me, wrinkling his nose. “It’s egg salad.”
It felt weird to take a strange boy’s sandwich, but I was really hungry. “I like eggs.”
His face scrunched up more. “My grandma puts pickle relish in it.”
“Oh.” I took a bite anyway. I wasn’t that picky. Turned out I liked the relish.
Funny how Jenika brought us together and ripped us apart. But I couldn’t blame her entirely, could I?
Alex pulled into my driveway right at nine, just as he’d said he would. As I got closer I noticed white scratches covering the entire length of the El Camino. Someone had keyed “Junk Me” across the hood in giant, shaky letters. But they didn’t stop there. “White Trash” was scrawled on the driver’s door, just under his window.
Heat rose up my neck and into my cheeks. I knew who did this.
Alex’s grandpa had spent years restoring and pampering that car. It was probably his biggest pride outside his family. He’d roll over in his grave if he saw this.
Alex kept his eyes straight ahead when I got in, his mouth set in a firm line. He was dressed all in black, the hood of his Alice in Chains sweatshirt pulled over his head like it was a rainy day in January.
“When did it happen?” I asked.
“While I was at the diner.”
“Where’d you park?” Nobody could key a car on the street and not be seen that time of day.
“Your lot. Didn’t have change for the meters.”
Our little gravel lot was hidden from everything. Definitely an easy place to vandalize a car, if nobody was out back. I hadn’t even noticed the El Camino when I went out there, but I was a little distracted.
“This is all I’ve g
ot left of him,” Alex said, his voice soft.
The anger I felt toward him slipped away for a few seconds. He became my best friend again. The guy who just lost the only real father he’d ever had. The guy who needed me.
I touched his forearm. His muscles tensed underneath my fingers. “What about you? You’re part of him.” He was a lot like his grandpa, from his soulful eyes to his odd sense of humor.
He shook his head, staring straight ahead. The air inside the car was warm and thick, filled with his simmering anger. That’s how it always was with Alex. When he got mad, he got quiet. Eerily quiet.
“You know it was Amber and Holly who painted that crap on my window?” I said.
“Doesn’t surprise me.”
“The words eat you up inside. No matter how much you don’t want to let them. When I heard Amber bragging about it, God… I wanted to…” Kill her.
“I don’t miss her,” he said. “Do you?”
“No.” My voice came out in a whisper. It felt wrong to say it. She really could be dead.
We sat in silence for what felt like minutes. I kept wishing he’d tell me what he was thinking. Look at me. Something.
“I’m ending this,” he said, finally. “Tonight.”
For a split second I thought he meant us, then I realized he meant retaliating against Christian. “Let’s go for a drive, okay?”
“We can’t keep sitting back and…” He didn’t finish his thought. “I have to do something.”
“It doesn’t have to be tonight.”
He gripped the steering wheel. The pale skin on the backs of his hands strained against his tendons. “Christian thinks he’s untouchable. He thinks he can say and do whatever the fuck he wants.” His lips parted again, like he was going to say more. But he didn’t.
“I’d love to hit them back—believe me. But it can’t be on impulse.” I stared hard at his profile, hoping to break through. “When it comes to what we have and what they have…they will always be able to hit harder. Remember?” He should. They were his words.
He leaned back against his headrest, his glare fixed toward the sky. “I’m not talking about jacking up a car, Nova.”
“Then what are you talking about?”
He opened his window, draping his arm outside. The only sound was the faint hiss of the ocean a half mile away. “They’re having a party at Winchester Beach tonight. Megan said Christian keeps cases of beer in his trunk. Goes back to get more as needed. Shouldn’t be hard to get him alone.”
“And do what?”
He turned his head, his eyes finally meeting mine. “Let him know we’re done taking his shit.”
“Sure. You hold him down. I’ll get a few punches in. That’ll do it.”
“It’s not just going to be us.”
That nauseating feeling came rushing back again. “You can’t trust her,” I said through gritted teeth.
“I’m not as naive as you think I am,” he said, quietly.
“Oh, you don’t even want to know what I’m thinking right now.” I turned away and stared out the passenger window.
“She hates Christian as much as we do. I trust that.”
“She hates everyone.”
He exhaled, long and slow. The moments ticked by. He was supposed to be the voice of reason here. The one who stopped me from going headfirst into a situation.
I wanted to tell him what an idiot he was being and get out, but I couldn’t move. He had nobody to look out for him. If something happened, I’d never forgive myself.
“Let’s go, then,” I said, my voice tight, my heart pounding. If I stayed, it bought me more time to reason with him.
“Are you sure you want to come?”
“I said let’s go.”
He put the car in reverse, backing out of the driveway. We careered down my street and took a sharp turn onto Beach, the wind slapping my face through the cracked windows.
“Do you even know what you’re walking into?” I gripped the cool leather seat.
“I don’t care.”
The coldness in his voice told me he meant it, at least in that very moment. “You will when it blows up in your face.”
He steered the car to the curb, right in front of Neahkahnie Park, and cut the engine. Jenika was standing on the sidewalk, her arms folded. Just seeing her again made every muscle in my body tighten.
“Don’t worry,” he said, as if hearing my thoughts. “She’s not going to start anything with you.”
“Why? Because you told her not to? You are as naive as I think you are.”
The only response was the sound of his breath, the tapping of the engine.
“Let this go, okay?” I said, facing him. “We have one more summer to get through. We could be out of here next year.”
“I’m not going anywhere! Don’t you get that?” His fist hit the door. “You think I can leave Megan? Who’s going to pay the bills?”
“Alex—”
I wish I’d said something else. Anything else. We’d been planning our escape for so long, it was easy to forget…
“I can still take you home,” he said. “Just say the word.”
A sharp knock on the driver’s side window made us both jump. Jenika peered inside Alex’s cracked window, a lit cigarette dangling from her fingers.
“You going to hide in there all night?” Jenika asked, her gaze lingering on me. She was dressed like she was going into battle. A black wifebeater with matching cargo pants and a swamp-green military backpack slung over one shoulder. Her upper arms were thicker than I remembered and ropy, the kind of muscle a half pint like her could only get on purpose.
Alex pushed his door open, climbing out. I did the same. The smell of salt and freshly mowed grass thickened the air, and the sun was a hot pink ball fading into the horizon. We were supposed to be cruising down 101 right now, watching it disappear.
“Are they in?” Alex asked her.
She nodded, blowing a trail of smoke over her shoulder. “Told you they wouldn’t miss this.”
“Who’s they?” I asked.
“Matt and Tyler,” Alex said.
I leaned against the hood of his car. “Are they your buddies now, too?”
Jenika smirked. “I wouldn’t say that.”
“Can you give us a second?” I asked her.
Jenika gave Alex a knowing look before walking off toward the playground. Yellow tape still blocked off the swings. The plastic rattled like a bird flapping its wings.
“Don’t do this,” I said, keeping my voice low. I had to try one more time.
His expression softened with uncertainty. For a second, I saw the old Alex again. The guy who literally dragged me home after a raccoon nipped my finger and told my mom to take me to the hospital because he was afraid I’d get rabies. The guy who made a lockbox for our secrets and buried it deep in the ground.
“I have to,” he whispered.
“Why?”
“What’s it going to be?” Jenika asked, approaching us again. “You in or out?”
“I’m here, aren’t I?” I said, folding my arms. She’d love it if I bailed on Alex. It would give her even more room to wedge between us.
She tossed her cigarette on the ground, grinding it out with the toe of her boot.
“Are they on their way or what?” Alex asked, his hands jiggling inside his jean pockets.
“They’re waiting for Matt’s mom to get back with the car.” She gave him a rough shove, smiling up at him. “Relax. They won’t stand us up.”
I looked away. It was bad enough knowing they’d hooked up. Seeing her tease him somehow made it worse. He had this whole other relationship outside me now…this whole other life.
He whispered something to her before lifting himself up on the hood.
An older red Honda pulled in behind Alex’s El Camino. Matt’s mom had driven that car for as long I could remember, probably since the beginning of time. I didn’t know much about her other than she worked the ER front desk at T
illamook General, and she was kind. She’d given me a handful of cherry lollipops after I got my first rabies shot for the raccoon bite and told me I was brave.
Matt got out of the car and started walking toward us, his eyes hidden by that dumb cowboy hat of his. “Look who’s here.”
I rolled my eyes, like I couldn’t be bothered.
Jenika threw her hands in the air. “Where’s Tyler?”
“Grounded.”
“What the hell for?” she continued.
Matt shrugged. “He forgot to recycle his Mountain Dew? Mama Bear said he couldn’t come out and play.” He shifted his gaze to Alex. “Can I talk to you a second?”
Alex’s brow crinkled, but he nodded and slid off the hood. “Be right back,” he said, lightly touching my arm as he passed.
I tried to follow, but Jenika blocked my path. “Don’t mess this up for him. He needs this.”
I glanced over at the guys. They were standing next to Matt’s car, both tense and keeping their distance from each other.
“You’ve hung out what, a handful of times?” I asked. “You know shit about him.”
Her dark eyes bored into me, like she could see right into my mind. “Guess he told you.”
“Isn’t that what you’ve been waiting for?”
“Oh, yeah. Because it has to be about you.” She stepped closer, until she was inches away from me. “Don’t you ever get tired of being the victim?”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“Here’s an answer.” Her smile grew. “He doesn’t disappoint.”
I stuffed my hands in the pockets of my jeans, not trusting myself. My racing heart. The tension inching up my limbs. I didn’t want to be one of those girls, the kind that acted like a rabid cat over some guy.
But Alex wasn’t just some guy.
“If you hurt him,” I said, “I’ll come after you with everything I have.” I regretted the words as soon as they slipped from my mouth. Backing me into a corner was what she wanted.
“You want to talk about hurting him?” She lowered her voice. “Find a mirror.”
My mouth opened, but the words got caught in my throat. She pushed past me, her bony shoulder sending an ache down my arm.
