by Tara Kelly
I didn’t say anything when Alex and I got back into his car. I tried to bite my tongue. Hold in the explosion building inside me. But I couldn’t.
“Remember our box of secrets?” I asked as we continued down Beach Street. Winchester Beach was only five minutes up the road.
“Yeah.”
“Remember what we promised the day we buried it?”
He glanced over at me, his forehead crinkling. “We’d never lie to each other.”
I nodded, keeping my eyes on him. “And?”
“We’d never tell each other’s secrets.”
“I’ve kept my promises. Have you?”
He focused back on the road, his fingers flexing against the steering wheel. “I try to…”
I’d seen him use this trick on Cindy. He’d become a master at it over the years. Saying what she wanted to hear, but not. I just never thought he’d try it on me. “That would be a no.”
“I’ve never told anyone your secrets. And I never would.”
“But you’ve got no problems talking bad about me to Jenika.”
His eyes fluttered shut for a second. “What did she say to you?”
“Other than you don’t disappoint?”
He sped up to catch up to Matt. “What does that mean?”
“What do you think it means?” I turned away, focusing on the ocean. The water had turned into a smooth gray blanket, matching the fading sky. Cold and surreal. Like the dead of winter. It made me want to crawl out of my skin.
“It’s not going to happen again,” he said.
“Why?” My voice came out so quiet I wasn’t sure he heard it.
“Because…” He paused for a second. “It’s not.”
I closed my eyes. Could he see how it was eating at me on the inside? How much I wished I’d had the guts to tell him how I felt. “I still can’t believe…”
He waited a few seconds before answering. “Is that all it is?”
“What are you getting at?” My words came out rushed.
“Nothing,” he said, his grip on the steering wheel relaxing. “What else did she say?”
“That I’ve hurt you.”
“She didn’t get that from me. She decided that.”
“Based on something you told her.”
He looked over at me, his eyebrows pinching together. “You matter to me more than anyone outside my sister. I’ve never said a bad word about you.”
I swallowed back the ache in my throat. Jenika’s words probed at me, echoing again and again in my head. Find a mirror. “Why does she think I hurt you?” I was pretty sure I knew the answer, but I wanted to hear him say it.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“If that were true, you’d tell me.”
He exhaled. “She thinks it’s messed up that you hung out with Zach and them, all right? But it’s in the past. I’m over it.”
Was he?
“Why did you do it?” I asked. “Hook up with her.”
“I was curious, I guess.”
“I don’t buy that.” He wasn’t the type of guy to sleep with a girl just to do it. It had to mean something.
He rolled down the window, sticking his hand into the wind. “I’m not like you, Nova.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means…” He glanced over at me. “No matter how hard you try to hide it. There’s still a part of you that needs the dream.”
I wanted to argue, but I couldn’t. He was right. I thought he was the same way, holding out for that special girl.
“I know you don’t get why me and Jenika are friends. I don’t expect you to,” he continued. “But that’s all we are. It was just…”
“You wanted to get laid, and you did. Congratulations.” My fist clenched in my lap. This wasn’t helping. The hole inside me kept getting bigger.
We passed the sign for “North” Winchester Beach. The beach was about three miles long with two main entrances—north and south. The north entrance consisted of several flights of wooden steps, leading to the sand and water below. Large houses were perched on the hills, overlooking miles of ocean.
This was where Zach spent his summers. A three-story house with brown shingles and white trim. A makeshift garden on the balcony, his mother’s obsession. I used to press my hands against the cool glass of his bedroom window, watching the sun dive into the water, while he strummed his acoustic. It seemed like a lifetime ago.
The cakes usually partied near the south entrance because it was farther from town and there were no houses nearby. That part of the beach was also hidden by a hill covered in tall grass and evergreens. A steep, windy trail led down to the water.
Matt swerved to the right, pulling onto the shoulder. We followed suit, kicking up a cloud of dirt around us. Cars lined the side of the road a couple hundred feet ahead.
“Do you regret it?” I asked. It wasn’t that I wanted him to. Or maybe I did… Maybe I wanted him to feel sick inside about losing his virginity to the wrong person.
He turned the car off. His eyes combed my face like he was searching for something.
“What?” I asked.
“I regret hurting you.”
Jenika and Matt emerged from the Honda, both dressed in dark hoodies with the hoods pulled over their heads. Matt grabbed a tire iron from his trunk, making my heart pound.
“This isn’t you, Alex.”
He yanked the keys from the ignition and pressed them into the palm of my open hand. “Stay here if you want. Take off if the cops show up.”
“What are you going to do?’
He smiled a little, but there wasn’t anything happy about it. “I’m about to find out.”
I wasn’t a saint. I wanted to smash every window of Christian’s little orange Audi, even if it was paid for and fully insured by Mommy. But my gut kept telling me we should leave. Now.
Chapter Ten
Nobody said a word as we walked up the road. The three of them moved like soldiers, quick steps, eyes straight ahead. A thudding drumbeat, shouting, and laughter echoed from the beach below, and bonfire smoke sweetened the air. It sounded like any Saturday night in the summer, as if they hadn’t even registered that one of their own was gone. If Amber were my friend, I’d be doing everything I could to find her right now.
The summer before freshman year, Jenika, Matt, and their friends got the bright idea to crash a cake party. I heard they’d set off firecrackers, stuffed things in tailpipes, threw some bottles, and generally made a lot of noise. Then they got their asses handed to them by about twenty drunk cakes. Matt got a concussion and the start to his juvie record. The cakes claimed it was self-defense, that Matt had threatened them with a pocketknife. A pocketknife Matt swore they’d planted. But the cops didn’t care—it was the word of thirty tourists against known troublemakers from the local trailer park.
As we approached the cars, Matt began looking in windows and trying doors. “Fifty bucks says one of these idiots forgot to lock up,” he said.
It had to be at least sixty-five degrees out, but I felt a chill. That itchy feeling of being watched.
Jenika stroked the shiny black hood of a GT500. “Can you imagine what this feels like starting up?”
Alex gave her this intimate smile, the kind of smile that held secrets. “You don’t want a new car,” he said. “It’s like driving a computer.” His grandpa always used to say that.
“What are you—seventy?” Matt asked, trying the handle of an Impreza. “Who cares?”
“Get into the CAN bus and you can pretty much control the car,” Alex continued, peering inside the car Jenika was admiring. “Kill the brakes. Disable the ignition.”
“Where’d you hear that?” Matt asked. “I-Never-Leave-My-Bedroom dot com?”
“Something like that.”
“I’ve never heard of anyone hacking a car,” Jenika said.
“The point is…it’s possible.” Alex moved toward Christian’s car. The orange paint glowed like the harvest moon.
<
br /> “Maybe you should give us a demonstration, big shot,” I said. I was done listening to him try to dazzle them with crap he probably read on one of his techie message boards.
He gave me a fleeting glance, but he didn’t respond. Instead, he made his way over to Zach’s car—or baby was more like it. A green 1969 Mustang. It was out of commission at least half the time. Zach’s mom wanted him to get something more practical, like a Toyota Prius, so she refused to pay for repairs or insurance. He got a part-time job at Guitar Center just to drive it.
Alex dug a mini flashlight out of his pocket and peered in the driver’s window. “A Club? That’s it?” He aimed the light inside, muttering, “How does he still have this car…”
“He can’t afford an alarm,” I said.
Jenika walked next to Christian’s Audi, scratching the side with what looked like a utility knife. The screech made my teeth clench. “So what’s the big draw with Zach?” she asked. “Is it that he’s the world’s biggest pussy or that he spends more time getting ready than you do?”
Before I could respond, Matt shushed us, moving his hands up and down. Female laughter echoed from the beach entrance, followed by a guy talking loudly.
Everyone ducked behind the car they were nearest to. Alex squatted behind the hood of Christian’s Audi. I kept my head low and moved next to him.
Three shadows emerged from the entrance and headed in our direction. Two girls and a guy from the looks of it.
The guy made big hand gestures as he talked. I knew the voice. Christian. “His jeans are completely in flames, right? And he starts going like this.” He jumped up and down, flapping his hands to demonstrate. “Get it off me. Get it off!”
“What a tool,” the taller girl said. From the long waves that fell around her shoulders, I was guessing it was Gabi.
The other girl laughed, sweet and hesitant. Megan’s laugh.
“Shit,” Alex muttered.
They were heading right toward Christian’s car. I wondered if Alex was thinking of Megan in all of this. What the cakes would do to her if he jumped Christian tonight.
“Your mom seriously wants you home by ten?” Christian asked, moving in front of them and stopping. “That’s crazy. You know that, right?”
“My grandma,” Megan said. “And, yeah. She’s kind of…nuts.” She wasn’t wearing much, a blue bikini top and a short jean skirt. A far cry from her gigantic band T-shirts. She kept folding her arms over her stomach, like she was trying to cover herself. My heart ached for her.
“I can give her a ride home, if you want to stick around,” Christian said.
I didn’t have to look at Alex to know he was tensing. I could feel it.
“Please.” Gabi laughed. “You can’t walk straight, and it’s not even ten.”
“Yeah, I can.” He held his arms out like an airplane and walked backward.
“Nice try,” Gabi said, heading across the street toward her red Honda Civic. “See you in a bit.”
“Come on, Megan,” Christian said. “Don’t go.”
“Bye,” she said, jogging after Gabi.
“You’re breaking my heart!” Christian shouted, before muttering “freak.”
He stood in the street, watching them until they pulled a U-turn and took off. Then he unlocked his car, heading for the trunk.
My hand clamped around Alex’s wrist. “It’s not too late to walk away,” I whispered.
His answer was pulling his arm from my grasp and standing. I closed my eyes, my stomach twisting in knots.
“What the…” Christian didn’t finish his sentence. “Get off me!” His words were muffled.
I straightened to see Matt gripping him in a headlock. Christian rammed his fists into Matt’s rib cage, his face reddening. They grunted as their feet dug into the gravel, both pulling in opposite directions.
Alex closed in on them from the left, moving slowly, purposefully. Jenika took the right side.
They formed a circle around Christian, shoving him, punching him. The sound of their fists hitting his body was dull and hollow, hidden beneath the crunch of the dirt and sand under their shoes.
Christian covered his head with his arms, his breathing labored. Matt threw him against the back of the Audi. The thud of his body hitting the bumper made me wince.
Alex pulled him up by his shirt, his features twisted in a grimace. “Was it worth it?” he asked, his voice low and hushed. “Did you have fun?”
“What?” Christian’s voice came out breathless. Red blotches covered his left cheek.
Alex slammed him against the bumper again. “You’re gonna pay to fix it. Every fucking cent.”
Christian grabbed Alex’s wrists, trying to break his grip. “Fix what?”
Alex clocked him hard, right in the face. No hesitation. No regret.
I thought about Christian’s cruelty. That cocky, I’m-so-untouchable smile. What he and his friends did to Alex on this beach two summers ago. The way he talked to me, like I was nothing but used up meat.
Maybe I should’ve enjoyed seeing him this way. Wide-eyed and bumbling. Completely vulnerable. God knows, I’d imagined throttling him myself a dozen times.
But I just felt…sick.
Jenika dangled her lit cigarette over his arm. Christian sucked in his breath. “Please, don’t,” he said, his voice ragged, his eyes squeezing shut. Blood and snot bubbled under his nose every time he exhaled.
Jenika’s eyes were like icy puddles. Dark. No depth or soul. I’d seen her angry before, but not like this. This was pure hate.
Matt stood back watching the whole thing. He had this odd smile on his face. A little fascinated. A little surprised. The kind of smile you get when you’re on the edge of your seat, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Christian fumbled in his pockets, pulling out a black wallet. “You want money?” He tossed a couple bills at Alex. “Here. Take it, okay?”
“You think forty bucks is going to cover it?” Alex said.
“What? I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about!” Christian shouted.
Alex’s expression twisted, like he was preparing to punch him again.
“His car,” I said, approaching them. “Just tell him the truth, Christian.” I was surprised how even my voice sounded, when I was shivering on the inside.
“I didn’t touch your car.” Christian’s voice cracked. “I swear, okay? It wasn’t me.”
“Then who was it?” Alex asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Bullshit,” Alex said.
Matt drove his tire iron into the top of the trunk. It sounded like an explosion, leaving a dent inches from Christian’s head.
“I swear I don’t know,” Christian muttered, closing his eyes. “I don’t know. I don’t know.” He kept repeating it over and over, almost like a chant.
Jenika imitated him in a high voice, getting right in his face. Every consonant sounded like broken glass. Her fingers clenched, as if she could barely contain herself.
I believed him. No matter how much I didn’t want to. I could think of a couple other people who’d trash Alex’s car to get him riled up, and they were standing right here. Jenika was definitely manipulative enough.
“Look at him,” I said to Alex. “He’d have told you by now.”
He finally made eye contact with me, a defeated expression on his face. I thought I had him. That he’d stop. But he slammed Christian against the bumper again, using his forearm to pin him down. Christian jerked against him, punching, struggling to take a breath.
“You’re the trash,” Alex whispered through his teeth.
I grabbed his arm, pulling with all my strength. My nails dug into his skin, hard enough to draw blood.
Alex tore himself from my grasp and backed away, running his hands through his hair. His arms shook; every part of him seemed to shake.
The only sound now was Christian’s fast, wheezing breaths. He moved away from the Audi, reaching into his pocket.
&n
bsp; Matt pushed him back again. “Where’re you going?” He stuck his hand inside Christian’s jean pocket and pulled out a phone. “You don’t need this.” He tossed it behind him.
“What the fuck do you want?” Christian’s chest heaved up and down, and his eyes watered.
“You guys made your point,” I said. “Let him go.”
“So he can go call the cops?” Jenika asked. “You’re here, too. You’re part of this.”
It didn’t matter if the cops had proof of us being here or not. They’d take one look at Christian’s face and bust us, no questions asked. But we couldn’t hold him hostage here forever…
Alex was pacing, walking around in circles, fingers curled at his sides.
“Take your clothes off,” Jenika told Christian. “Now.”
Christian didn’t ask why or even hesitate. Maybe he’d given up. Maybe he’d stopped thinking all together. He just started stripping down, until he was in his boxers.
“Everything,” Jenika said. “Start recording, Matt.”
Christian’s hands hovered over the waistband of his boxers. This time he asked why.
I wanted to know why.
“I think you know,” Jenika said.
Christian’s eyes flitted to Alex, his body shivering. He looked so pale. So small. Matt walked toward him, holding his phone out and smirking at the display.
“Are you stupid?” Alex hissed. “Turn that off.”
Matt raised the tire iron in the air, as if letting us know he was in charge. “Do it,” he said to Christian.
Christian slid his boxers off, covering himself with one hand. His breath came out in short, thick bursts.
“You remember this part, right?” Jenika asked Christian. “This is where you say ‘I’m a little bitch. A white trash piece of shit.’”
Christian didn’t respond. He kept staring at the ground.
“Say it!” Jenika said. She looked over her shoulder at Alex then. He stood there like a stone. He didn’t even blink.
I knew I should’ve been doing something. Trying to stop them somehow. But I couldn’t move. I could barely breathe. Was this what Christian and his friends did to Alex? Did they make him say those things?
Christian repeated her words, his voice barely audible.
