Identity Crisis (Blood Brothers #4)

by Manda Mellett

  “If Smith is behind the men trailing your mother and her intent is to get her child back, she’d follow the baby thereby removing any danger to your mother. She might be lured to Amahad where you’ll be able to deal with her, Sean.”

  Sean nods slowly, “There is that.” He raps his hand on the table as though he’s come to a decision. “I’ll speak to Kadar and Cara, see if it’s possible to have Mollie looked after in the palace while I’m working. I must admit I’d like to have her close by, and I don’t want to leave Mum exposed to any menace.”

  Oh shit. Just what I didn’t want. Suddenly I go icy cold. He’s proposing to bring the baby with us?

  As Sean goes off to make his call, I stare at the remaining sandwich on my plate, half eaten and now curling up at the corners as my appetite has fled. Returning to Amahad with Sean is bad enough, but add in the baby, and I don’t know if I can stand it. I find myself hoping someone will come to their senses and say it’s a terrible proposal.

  Ben’s looking at me, his searching eyes seeing more than I would have hoped, “You’re Sean’s partner on this case, Van. If Sean returns to Amahad, I expect you to go too. And if he stays here, I’ll expect you to provide the necessary protection detail. I take it that’s alright with you? If there are any problems, if you’ve decided working outside the office isn’t for you, you can speak to me after the meeting.”

  That makes me start; the words tumble out of my mouth, “Ben, no, I’m completely fine with working on this case. I’d like to return to Amahad and see it through.” I give a sharp nod to emphasise how on board I am. His quizzical gaze looks like he doesn’t quite believe me, but thankfully, he leaves the subject and has a brief discussion with Jon about a different matter.

  Soon Sean returns to report the Kassis family say it will be no problem for him to take Mollie back with him, and that Kadar’s confirmed Jon’s assertion that a gnat wouldn’t be able to get into the palace itself. Security is already watertight due to the threats against the emir, albeit much lessened now he’s married and is putting his idea of an elected government in place. The move toward democracy has been given a cautious welcome and, as I know from keeping up with the news from the Arab country, that the desert sheikhs are giving him their support. In all, apart from the external threats, Amahad is gaining a reputation as a stable country now. But Kadar remains hyper-vigilant, particularly as his own child will shortly be born meaning Mollie’s safety can be all but guaranteed.

  The meeting concludes after Sean’s update on his conversation with the emir. I make a meal of logging out of my laptop and gathering my things together and am the last one to leave hoping everyone else will have gone home. But exiting the room, I find the very man I’d hoped to have a few hours away from, waiting for me in the corridor.

  Sean stalks toward me, getting far too close. My back is against the wall as he looms over me, putting one hand on the wall next to my head, “Nessa, I’m sorry. I saw your reaction in there, but this is the only way I can go back to Amahad. If I take Mollie with me.”

  I understand him but also know myself. “I’m not comfortable with this, Sean. I’m sorry, but I don’t do babies.” I know he won’t be able to comprehend that the sight or sound of a child evokes such feelings inside me. My hands are shaking as I bring them up to cover my face. How can I do this? And I also realise, by telling him I don’t want to be around a baby, his baby, means if there was the remotest chance of us getting together, I’ve have killed it stone dead. I think quickly, contradicting my earlier response in the meeting, “What if I stay here? Tell Ben I don’t like working as an operative after all?”

  “And throw away everything you’ve worked for? If you give up now, Nessa, you might not get another chance.”

  He leans even closer, his hands come up and pull mine away, “Shit, Nessa, I know for some reason this is painful for you. You might have been able to hide it from everyone else, but in there?” He points to the conference room we’ve just exited, “It written all over your face. I can’t pretend to fathom how you’re thinking. Surely you must see kids sometimes, interact with them?” His fingers wrap around mine, squeezing them gently, “Don’t you ever see yourself wanting a baby of your own?”

  My eyes close, trying to keep back the tears which threaten to fall, hoping to God he doesn’t see them. “No.”

  He pulls me close, his strong arms wrapping around me, “It’s okay, Nessa. I suppose some women just aren’t wired that way.”

  If only he knew.

  His hands soothe up and down my back, and as he holds me, I feel his erection pressing into my stomach. He feels it too and backs slightly away. “Sorry, babe,” he says wryly. “Inappropriate at best.”

  Yes, the evidence of his physical feeling for me is, but there’s still a flicker inside me that makes me pleased I can affect him this way. Equally unfitting at this time.

  “What if we changed the accommodation arrangements? If Ryan stayed with me, and you stayed with Nat? Kadar’s making another of the houses in the compound available to us.”

  And not be close to Sean? I might have wanted a little space to sort my head out, but to give up the chance of being with him? Even though I know there’ll never be a repeat of last night, I’ve come to depend on him, to enjoy his company. I’m torn, so torn. My eyes open wide as I gaze up at him. I don’t know what to do.

  He recognises my silent plea. But the solution he comes up with takes me by surprise. “It’s alright, Nessa. I’ve got an idea. Come with me.” He takes hold of my hand.

  “What? Where, Sean?” My eyes narrow suspiciously.

  “Come and meet Mollie.” He starts walking down the corridor taking me along with him.

  Tugging him back, I force him to stop. My heart rate speeds up, and my pulse is fluttering wildly, “I don’t think this is a good idea, Sean.”

  He turns to face me, “Mollie is my child. Mine, Nessa. She’s not some unknown baby that you’d pass in the street. She’s her own personality. Come and meet her, give her, us, a chance. If you decide you can’t cope having her around, then that’s the time to make any decisions.”

  Shit! This is a bad idea. He doesn’t know what it’s like for me. All the feelings that I have to keep buried. But it would be unreasonable for me not to go with him without giving an explanation, and I’m not going to let him into my darkest secrets. Why did I have to become attracted to him? Not only is he the very last man with whom I should be considering a relationship, he now comes with strings attached. Very tight strings.

  He collects the keys to one of Grade A’s anonymous black SUVs. I follow him down to the underground car park, and we drive in silence. He puts on the radio to a local station, and we catch up with the news that we’ve missed while being out of the country. Sure, we’ve kept up with national events, but now we listen to stories of lesser importance, but still critical to the people involved.

  I rest my head back, and my hands twist in my lap. The very last thing I want to do is to get to Sean’s mother’s house and meet his daughter. But maybe my reaction when I see her will convince him that I was right all along. Idly watching the scenery going past, I wonder what Sean intends to do when this is all over. Is he going to look after Mollie himself? Continue to let his mother look after her? Or, marry someone who’ll become her mother. In which case, there’s no need for me to worry at all.

  At last, we come to a pleasant looking housing estate, with each building set back from the road. The house we’re arriving at isn’t huge, but the front garden and exterior looks tidy and well maintained. Sean pulls the SUV onto the drive behind an older model Volvo and switches off the engine. He glances across at me and gives me a gentle squeeze on my arm.

  Then he gets out. There’s no point in delaying, so I do the same. Sean glances across the road and throws a nod at Harry who’s watching the house.

  Before we can reach it, a woman’s already opening the door. Although I know she’s in her late fifties, now I’m meeting her in the fle
sh she looks a lot less, her figure alone would be envied by many a decade or so younger. She’s got the same impudent grin that I’ve often seen on Sean’s face, and her hands are held out in welcome.

  As Sean approaches, she steps forward and pulls him in for a hug. Then she steps back and her face scrunches, “You find Mollie’s mother yet?”

  “It’s a long story, Mum. The short version is yes; I’ve seen her briefly.”

  Her eyes narrow, “She coming back for her baby?” I take it she’s not overly fond of the idea.

  Sean puts his arm around her, “Let’s take this inside. I’ll fill you in with the details.”

  He’s right, explaining how Mollie came into being, virtually stolen from him, isn’t something that should be discussed on the doorstep.

  I’ve moved up behind him, and he reaches for my hand giving me no option but to follow him in. As we cross the threshold, he explains who I am.

  “Mum, this is Nessa. She’s working with me.”

  Appearing only now to notice he’s brought someone else along, his mother turns and gives me an appraising look. I fidget under her blatant evaluation, but can’t have been found too wanting as her lips turn up into a welcoming smile. Stretching out my hand, I mumble, “Mrs Cooper, it’s good to meet you at last. I’ve heard a lot about you, and of course, enjoyed the cupcakes you make.”

  Grinning she takes my hand, holding it a little too long, “You don’t look like you eat that many. And call me Anna, please.”

  I nod and smile, taking her comment about the cupcakes as the compliment she’s obviously meant.

  “Where’s Mollie, Mum?” Sean’s anxious to see his daughter, and a pang goes through me at his obvious paternal concern, even though he’s only known he was a father for a few days.

  “In the spare bedroom. She’s asleep, but I expect she’ll be stirring soon.”

  As Anna speaks, I notice she’s got a baby monitor clipped to the waistband of her jeans.

  “We’ll go see her, then I’ll come back down for that conversation.”

  She frowns, clearly having to curb her curiosity, then gives a reluctant nod and steps aside. Sean puts his arm around my shoulders, cutting off any chance of escape, and leads me to the stairs. We ascend and come to an open door. There’s a cot inside.

  Putting his finger to his lips, he murmurs, “We’ll try not to wake her,” he gives a rueful grin, “But I can’t wait to see her again.”

  I nod, hoping he’ll let me go so I can stay out of sight. But no, he leads me inside. And there she is, a perfect baby lying sleeping. There’s a dummy by the side of her mouth, obviously having dropped out when she dozed off. Her blankets have been kicked off, and she’s dressed in a pretty pink Babygro with grey elephants on it.

  Sean reaches out his hand but doesn’t touch her. It hovers inches from her chubby face. But it’s as if Mollie can sense his presence. She twitches, and he pulls back.

  “Isn’t she beautiful?” he whispers, his voice full of wonder.

  She is. As I look at her, again I can only see him. She doesn’t resemble her mother in any way. Her features are all his. Her hair too, already blonde.

  And then she lets out a little fart.

  “Yup, she’s all yours Sean,” I laugh as I tell him.

  But I’ve spoken too loudly. Suddenly eyes the same shade as Sean’s flick open and I swear she looks at him with recognition as she smiles his smile. Her chubby arms reach out, and he can’t resist, bending over and picking her up.

  “Hi, sweetie.” His voice, soft and so full of an emotion I haven’t heard before, does something to me. I’m about to step away when he does the worst thing he can. He turns, and before I have time to protest, thrusts her toward me, “Go say hello to Auntie Nessa.”

  Automatically my arms go out to hold her. And then a wave of nausea hits me. I can’t breathe; my lungs heave for oxygen, but nothing goes in. I stagger. Throwing me a sharp look Sean grabs hold of Mollie, taking her back before I drop her and that’s all I know before the world goes black.

  I wake to sounds of a baby gurgling downstairs, but I’m lying on a bed, an anxious Sean sitting by my side. He’s gently stroking my head, his touch soft over my clammy skin. Enjoying the sensation, I wait a few seconds before showing I’m awake.

  “Babe, are you back with us? You fainted. Are you okay? Do you need to see a doctor? I can take you to casualty?”

  Violently I shake my head, and then regret it as another wave of dizziness goes through me. As I close my eyes waiting for my equilibrium to restore, he waits patiently.

  Then, when I open them again, he prompts me, “What is it, Nessa? What can I do?”

  I’ve got to tell him something. I just fainted for Christ’s sake. In his child’s bedroom. “Panic attack,” I explain succinctly while thinking it’s the worst I’ve ever had.

  He regards me searchingly, his hand still smoothing across my forehead as he asks sympathetically, “Do you know what brought it on?”

  What the hell do I do? Admit the truth? I gaze at him and then, embarrassed turn my head away. With a gentle touch he turns my face back toward him.

  “I’m your partner, Nessa. We work together. If this is a panic attack, then it was an extreme one. You’re going to have to tell me your triggers.” With his free hand, he pushes back his hair, “I need to know. I can’t afford to have you blacking out on me.” He’s watching me intently, “Nessa, you fainted. And if you’re aware of the reason, you’re going to have to tell me. People don’t faint without cause. You must have been cleared medically for Ben to send you out on assignment. But is there anything else in your medical history that Grade A needs to know?”

  I don’t want to tell him, don’t want to have to explain. But if he reports this to Ben, if my boss believes I can faint without warning then there’s no way he’ll let me continue to work as an operative. Now my anxiety is for a different reason. If I want to keep my job, I have to drag up that dirty secret I’ve kept hidden for so long, my rattling skeleton in the cupboard.

  “I’ll have to tell Ben, Nessa. Would you prefer to talk to him?” He sits up straight and wipes his hands over his face, pausing on the designer stubble that can only just be called a beard. “It’s not lack of food, you’ve eaten today, possibly not a lot, but sufficient. You don’t have a temperature, so I don’t believe you’re ill. And from that look on your face, you know exactly what happened. You didn’t just faint, Nessa. There’s a reason for it, isn’t there? Something that made you panic so much that all the blood rushed from your head. Are you getting your period or something?”

  The blood returns to my face at his forthright suggestion, but I shake my head to deny it, “No, it’s not that.”

  Still he’s regarding me with those all-seeing blue eyes. His hands pause, cupping his cheeks, “It was the moment you held Mollie.”

  Chapter 22

  Sean

  She doesn’t speak. Fuck, I’m going to have to call Ben and tell him, there’s no way she can come to Amahad if she has fainting fits for no reason. When I’ve given up on an answer, and instead start wondering again about her medical history, she surprises me, at last deigning to speak and saying softly, “Yes, it was holding Mollie. That was the trigger.”

  I frown, it was the likely conclusion, but for the life of me, I can’t understand why having a baby in her arms caused such an extreme reaction. I know Nessa doesn’t particularly like children or want one herself, but for Mollie to cause her to have a panic attack? There must be more to it.

  When I go to prompt her, she stammers out the words I didn’t expect to hear. “I, I was pregnant once. Two years ago.” It’s impossible to miss the tears that come to her eyes.

  Fuck me! I breathe in sharply. That was the last thing I expected her to say. Obviously, it ended badly, a miscarriage or stillbirth? Something cruel enough for her never to want to go through again? She’s turned her head away, clearly not wanting to expound. But I wasn’t lying when I explained the effect i
t could have on our working relationship, if someone’s holding a gun to my head I want a partner who can respond, not one who’s passed out on the floor. I need her to let me know what happened. Sympathy isn’t going to work, not right now.

  In my Dom voice, I ask, “What happened?”

  She turns eyes full of hurt toward me, but the authority in my tone encourages her to continue speaking, just as I’d hoped.

  The words are spoken in a monotone, “I was tired of being alone, Sean, but I wasn’t meeting the right men. I decided to have a go at internet dating, well, everyone does nowadays, don’t they? I was careful, never giving personal details away. It took a while, and then I found him, Simon. We clicked. He’d just got out of a long-term relationship and didn’t want to be on his own anymore. I didn’t take that into account at the time, just was pleased to find someone with the same interests as me. We spoke for weeks on the ‘net, and then I decided to take the plunge and meet him. You know me, I looked into his background and knew he was who he said he was, the right age and everything. I took care to make sure I wasn’t being conned.”

  I nod, I’m not going to censure her, I know she’d have used the research tools she has at hand to make sure she’d be safe.

  “The trouble, as it turned out, was that in all my investigations I never found out the most important thing I should have taken into account. That he wasn’t over his ex.”

  She swallows a couple of times, and I pass her the glass of water that Mum had brought up earlier, helping Nessa into a sitting position to drink it.

  “We seemed to click. We’d only been dating a couple of months when he asked me to marry him. Brought me a ring and everything. I was over the moon. What I hadn’t understood was that he was trying to replace her with me and, in the end, I turned out not to be a good enough fit.”