3.5. Black Magic Woman

by John G. Hartness

  “We gotta get the fight out of here!” I yelled to Greg. “She’s got too many people to draw from! We’ll never stop her in here!”

  “You’ll never stop me anywhere, mortal!” The blonde bombshell laughed. “I’ve been feeding off souls since before your ancestors dragged themselves from the mud and grew legs!”

  I stopped short and stared at her, open-mouthed. “Wow, lady, you’re worse at witty repartee than I am. And I thought nobody was that bad!” That gave the biggest fanboy time to catch up to me and clock me in the head with his Green Lantern Power Battery, and I went down like a sack of scrawny potatoes. I gave my best Hercules impression, and tossed the heap of flailing nerds off of me. I continued my mad dash for the door, hot on Greg’s heels as he sprinted down the hall into the atrium, looking for any place that would give us some room to maneuver.

  We got into the atrium, and started thumping hypnotized nerds. While somewhat satisfying, nothing we did brought us any closer to actually taking down our psycho Aphrodite, until I got a bright idea and chunked a Storm Trooper at her head. She deflected the flying cosplayer with barely a twitch, but the distraction did momentarily break her hold on the rest of her geek army. I put as much mojo into my voice as I could muster and shouted, “Sleep!” in my best James Earl Jones impression. Admittedly, I sounded more like C. Thomas Howell in Sixteen Candles than James Earl Jones in anything past puberty, but it worked. The humans in the lobby all slumped to the ground, leaving Greg and I alone with our attacker.

  She glared around at her fallen minions, and then hissed at me “No matter, vampire! I will feat on your bones tonight!” She leapt across twenty feet of atrium like she was on wires, and I barely got out of the way of her outstretched arms, which were suddenly much longer and much clawy-er than they had been a few minutes before. I ducked another slash, then lashed out with a kick that she narrowly avoided.

  We both pulled back, taking the chance to size up our opponent. She was tall, built like a centerfold, with blonde curls spilling all the way down to her butt. And thanks to the open back of her toga, I could see exactly where that part of her started. She wore Roman sandals that laced up exceptionally long and well-formed legs, and except for the claws at the ends of them, had gorgeous arms, too. In short, she was like every beautiful woman in the magazines, except a little more open about the fact that she wanted to rip my heart out and eat it.

  “Isn’t this the point where you waste a lot of valuable time explaining yourself so I can figure out how to defeat you?” I quipped as I circled, jockeying for position. She didn’t even crack a smile, just stopped moving and closed her eyes for a second. When she opened them, the stood stock still and smiled at me.

  “No, vampire. This is the point where I use your idiot friend to kill you.” I heard the air move behind me, but I was too slow to get out of the way as Greg suddenly smashed into me with both fists. The force of the blow lifted me off my feet and deposited me face-first onto the steps beside the monster-chick. I rolled over just in time to see her claws streaking down at my chest, and kicked out just in time to deflect her into the concrete beside me. I hopped up and punched her in the jaw, but she only smiled at me. I turned my head in time to meet Greg’s fist full on with my nose, and borrowed blood exploded from my face. I went back down onto the steps, rolling to the side to avoid getting skewered and trying desperately to come up with a way to survive this that didn’t include killing my best friend.

  Greg lashed out again, this time trying his best to stomp me into the carpet. I rolled away and kept rolling until I was far enough away to regain my footing. I looked up just in time to see the rotund revenger charging me like a spandex-wrapped rhinoceros, and jumped high over his head, letting him pass harmlessly underneath me. I cast a glance at our wayward soul-sucker, but she was nowhere to be found. Great, my partner wants to kill me and the real baddie has vanished. I hate leaving the house.

  I shoved those thoughts to the back of my mind and furiously worked on a plan to beat down Greg without permanently injuring him. He was fast, but I was faster. I couldn’t hold a candle to his strength, but I could (probably) outwit him in his addled state, and I was definitely faster. Unfortunately, all that meant was that I could run around in circles indefinitely while I tried to figure out what this freaky woman was, and how she’d befuddled my partner. And how I’d escaped her rather obvious and spectacular wiles.

  When the idea hit me, it landed with all the force of a portly vampire running at full steam. Well, the idea didn’t hurt, but when I had the idea, I stopped in my tracks. Since Greg was chasing me at the time, that meant that he caught me, rather suddenly. And that did hurt, quite a lot, actually. He tackled me with all the form, speed and power of an NFL linebacker, ramming me into a guardrail that groaned against the impact, but managed to hold. Good thing, I thought as I looked out over the twenty-foot drop to the floor below.

  I rammed my head backwards, connecting solidly with Greg’s nose and crushing it with a satisfying thwack! My partner released his hold on me and staggered back, blood pouring from his crushed nose and eyes streaming tears. “What the hell did you do that for?” He wailed, although with his busted sniffer it sounded more like “But de hebb didoodoo dat pour?”

  “Are you done trying to kill me?” I asked, bending the guardrail back into shape and making it a point to stay out of arm’s reach.

  “Trying to kill you? Are you insane?” Greg sat on a nearby step and reached into a pouch on his utility belt. Yes, utility belt. Don’t ask. It just makes my head hurt. He pulled out a wad of tissues and started trying to stem the blood pouring from his nose. After all, he every drop that he bled out meant more he was going to have to replace later.

  “Dude, you were just trying to turn me into sidewalk pizza, remember?”

  “No. I remember us going to the costume contest, I remember seeing the hot blonde, and that’s the last thing I remember. What happened?”

  “You went all Hulk Smash on me and tried to kick my ass.”

  “How’d I do?”

  I just stared at him. “I’m still here, and you’ve got a broken nose. You tell me how you did.”

  “Fair enough. Now what?”

  “Now we try to figure out why she was able to get you to want to kill me, then we try to figure out why you don’t want to kill me anymore, and then we try to kill her.”

  “Sounds about right.” Greg got up from the steps, staggered a little, and sat back down. “I might need to be here for a few more minutes.”

  “No worries, I’ll go find Sabrina and our seductress and figure out how she’s bespelling people.”

  “Pheromones.” Came a voice from beside me. I jumped an appropriate distance into the air, like twelve feet or so, and turn to see Sabrina standing there. She still had on the Cap t-shirt, but it was ripped at the waist now to give her faster access to her guns. I liked the look. A lot.

  “I’ve been warning you about that. One more time and you’re getting a bell!” I said as I landed less than gracefully. She just smiled.

  “What about pheromones?” mumbled Greg from the steps.

  “She’s using pheromones to mojo guys. It’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?”

  “For the obvious-impaired among us, why don’t you give me the Pheromones for Dummies version.” I sat down next to Greg like a dutiful pupil.

  “Some people think that when humans are aroused, they give off certain scents that are meant to attract other humans.”

  “They do.” I interjected. Sabrina looked down at me and I shrugged. “Sorry. Vamp-sniffer, remember? People give off all kinds of scents all of the time, not just when they’re turned on. But go on.”

  She continued in her best graduate assistant tone, which was made more than a little distracting by the fact that she was wearing shorts that were just an inch shy of being indecent, a shredded superhero t-shirt and knee-high boots. All in all, it was very difficult to drag my eyes up to her face, much less pay any attention to the words
coming out of her mouth.

  “Since your monster is obviously female, and all the people she’s bedazzled have been men, it’s obvious to me that she’s using pheromones of some sort to do the trick.”

  “Then how did she get Greg and not me? I mean, I know his sniffer is better than mine, but mine’s still pretty good.”

  “What did you have for dinner?”

  “Same thing I always have, oh wait, you mean who did I have for dinner?”

  “Yeah, who?”

  “That’s a little personal, don’t you think?”

  “Just answer the question, Jimmy. I’m pretty sure I know the answer anyway.”

  “Okay, I stopped into Fuel for a bite in the bathroom while you were parking the car. Sorry, I get peckish in crowds, you know that.”

  “And whoever you drank from had just finished dinner, right?”

  “Yeah, and boy did they like their pizza with garlic! Wait a minute, you think…?”

  “Yep, you got too much garlic in the blood and it kept you from smelling the pheromones.”

  “Thin, Detective, really thin.”

  “You got anything better?” She raised an eyebrow at me.

  “Not a bit. Occam’s razor it is, then.”

  Greg’s head snapped up. “Occam’s razor?”

  “You know, all other things being equal, the simplest explanation is most likely the correct one?” I said, finally the smart one for a change.

  “I know what it is, bro. I just didn’t think you did.” So much for me being the smart one.

  “So now what?” I asked them.

  “Well, since you broke Greg’s nose, I think he’s safe from smelling anything. And since her mojo doesn’t seem to work on women, I’m in the clear, so all we need to do is…this!” Sabrina tossed a handful of black pepper in my face, setting off an insane sneezing fit and ensuring that I wouldn’t smell anything for at least another few minutes.

  “Thanks, now how to we find this chick?” I asked, reaching out to Greg for some of his tissues. Unfortunately as we scoured the convention center, it became pretty easy to follow her path by the trail of unconscious old men she’d left. We found her in the exhibit hall, once again surrounded by mindless men. I know, Sabrina would probably say that was redundant, but that’s beside the point.

  I held up my hands as we approached. “We don’t want to fight, we just want to talk.”

  “What is there to discuss, vampire? You have nothing I want, no life force to feed me. These men do, and they are so happy to let me borrow it.” She was glorious now, almost glowing with stolen life force.

  “I don’t think they understand that it’s an interest-free loan, and pretty unfortunately short-term.” I replied, trying to come up with a way to take her out without hurting any of her human shields.

  “I don’t understand you, vampire. What are you babbling about?” About the response my jokes usually get from really hot women, much to my chagrin.

  “I just want to know who you are, why you’re doing this, that’s all.” I kept easing closer to her, but she kept a solid wall of sweaty, hypnotized nerds between us as she backed away.

  “I am Anaisin, and I was old when your ancestors were crossing the land bridge wearing furs. I am who they worshipped in the daylight, and she who they told tales of around the campfire! I am what you wish you could be, and what you will never become! I am the eater of souls, the devourer of worlds, and…”

  “And you talk too much.” Sabrina said from behind her. The immortal hottie spun around, and Sabrina put three rounds from her service automatic between her eyes. I shielded my eyes from the spray, but there was none. Instead, holes appeared in the soul-stealer’s head and rainbows of light started to shine from inside. The beams of light multiplied and coalesced into one solid column of blinding luminescence shining straight up into the air. The light pulsed along the ceiling for a few seconds, then shrank down into a ball glowing brighter than the sun. The ball vibrated in midair once, twice, then exploded, sending thousands of beams of light throughout the convention center.

  Blinded, I dove for the floor and rolled under a couple of vendor tables to get out of the way of the light. I didn’t think it was sunlight, but I didn’t feel like testing my theory just then. The light show lasted for about half a minute, and then I crawled out of my hiding spot. Sabrina was standing right where I’d left her, but she looked different somehow. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but something had changed very subtly in her. Anaisin was nowhere to be seen, and all around where she had stood, men were blinking and rubbing their eyes, as if waking from a dream. I looked around slowly, and everywhere I looked I saw men coming to their feet and shaking their heads in confusion. They all seemed to have returned to their rightful age, so a couple of bullets to the face must have been the right solution to the problem. Come to think of it, that’s a solution to a lot of problems; just don’t tell my hippie partner I said so.

  I pushed through the crowd to Sabrina’s side and put a hand on her shoulder. She looked at me questioningly, and I turned her to where a significantly younger Dave was hugging his son to his chest. “I guess all’s well that ends well, huh?”

  “If you can say this ended well. I shot that woman in cold blood!” She looked at me and I saw a lot of things in her eyes. Confusion, anger at herself, fear, and insecurity.

  I put both hands on her shoulders and looked at her firmly. “That wasn’t a woman. I don’t know what she was, but if anything, she was an uber-vampire, able to drink from people’s life force without actually touching them. Whatever she was, she was bad news, and you took her out. And you might have been the only one who could. Being a chick and all. And being armed.”

  “With silver bullets.”

  “Silver bullets?”

  “I carry a couple of mags of silver bullets ever since our Fairyland trip.”

  “Good idea.”

  “And a couple that are blessed with holy water, just in case.”

  “If you tell me you’ve got special garlic-tipped wooden rounds, I’m going to worry.” She laughed, but I noticed that she didn’t answer.

  Just then, Greg came running up, completely out of breath. “Oh good, you killed her. That’s great! Jimmy, you got any cash?”

  “I never have cash, and where have you been?”

  “This dude has a Mint in Box Voltron, and I’m like five bucks short.”

  Sabrina reached into a hidden pocket in her costume and handed him a bill with a grin. “Here, go buy your doll.”

  Greg and I looked at each other, then back at her and in unison said “Action figure!”

  Copyright 2011 John G. Hartness, all rights reserved

  For more information please visit http://www.johnhartness.com

  Other Books by John G. Hartness

  The Black Knight Chronicles

  Hard Day’s Knight

  Back in Black

  Knight Moves

  Movie Knight - a Black Knight Short Story

  The Chosen

  Table of Contents

  Black Magic Woman

  Copyright