Love's Past

by Laura Bastian

  “Shall I send for someone to guide your way?”

  Kaitlyn looked out the partially opened doorway, seeing the near complete darkness out there. “Um…”

  “I remember where the rooms are,” Cyrus said, holding the candles again. “And I too think I should go to bed.”

  William studied the two of them for a moment. Kaitlyn hoped he didn’t see anything odd about her behavior that would make him think there was something between them. Otherwise, William wouldn’t allow them to go off alone, and that might alert Cyrus to where her mind had been. That was the last thing she needed, to be reminded of how much of a little sister she was to him.

  William glanced at the two of them and then back to Jem, who merely said, “’Night, Kate. I’ll be coming up soon, too.”

  She turned and walked out the door without another word, hoping the light spilling from the library would be enough to at least get her to the staircase before Cyrus was close enough to offer his arm.

  She didn’t think she could calmly bear the gesture.

  She managed to keep a few steps ahead of him. Cyrus held the light up high enough to give her a good view of the stairway. When she reached the first floor above the main level, she turned the knob to her door. Before she pushed it open, Cyrus was there next to her, pulling out one of the candles from the holder in his hand. He offered it to her and she took it, waiting to see what would happen when her fingers touched his.

  Once again, the not unexpected sensations washed over her skin. She wished for a moment she was in her own time, back when he was just her brother’s friend and not this chivalrous, attractive, kind and wonderful man she was discovering him to be.

  “Thank you,” she whispered and turned to the door, but her eyes seemed locked on his. In the dimness, she could see nothing hidden in his eyes. There were no feelings radiating from him. It was all her. She felt so alone.

  He bowed politely and took a step back. “Have a good night, Kaitlyn.”

  “You too, Cyrus.”

  Saying his given name seemed so taboo, yet so perfect and right at the same time. As she closed the door behind her, a single tear fell from her eye. He would occupy her thoughts for hours to come. She might not get any rest at all.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Cyrus turned his attention back to his plate of food. Jem hardly said a word all morning, seeming preoccupied with something. Probably wondering what Reese was up to.

  Kaitlyn had still not come down to breakfast. William had finished already and gone to take care of something before they were scheduled to go on their outing to explore old London.

  He picked at his food, hoping to lengthen out his meal in order to still be in the breakfast room when Kaitlyn finally arrived. Jem got up and left the room, leaving food on his plate that a servant quickly whisked away. Cyrus wondered if he should just give up and head into the library to wait for their departure there. A few moments later he was rewarded for his patience, but the look of surprise on her face made him second guess his decision.

  “Did you wait for me?” she asked as he stood in the respectful manner he was just getting used to.

  Cyrus looked guiltily at his food. “Not completely.”

  She glanced at his plate and then turned to the side board where some food was still waiting. The servant asked if she needed anything different than what was available. She shook her head. “No, this is just fine.”

  He watched as she picked up a piece of bread and some jam and spread it with a dainty knife. She looked graceful in everything she did. He longed to see her at breakfast every morning, but without the interference of servants and other people in the house.

  He could never live this kind of life.

  Kaitlyn paused next to the table nearest the bar where the food had been placed. She sat down at the table across from him instead of next to him, as she’d often done before. He wanted to talk, but with servants watching their every move, he didn’t dare bring up anything personal.

  “The weather looks like it should be decent for the day’s plans,” he finally offered.

  Kaitlyn nodded but didn’t respond as she took another small bite of food.

  Great, he was resorting to talk of the weather, once again feeling like a fool.

  Kaitlyn didn’t look at him more than required. The meal was so uncomfortable he wondered if he should excuse himself and let her have some peace. He would have to find a private moment with her another time, yet he didn’t know what he would say. She seemed to be taking all this proper lady behavior to a new level, shutting him out completely.

  At least Jack wasn’t near. If he stayed away long enough, Cyrus might have a chance to let her know his feelings.

  Just over an hour later, Cyrus offered Kaitlyn his hand as she descended from the open carriage in front of the public gardens. She didn’t immediately take it, but when she placed her hand in his, it felt perfect there. She wasn’t wearing gloves. Her hands felt soft and delicate, but not weak. An enticing sensation as he thought of her inner strength and beauty.

  “Jem,” Kaitlyn said, looking at her brother who was still inside the carriage looking up at the building. “Are you coming?”

  He nodded and climbed down slowly from the carriage, nothing like his usual energetic self.

  Kaitlyn let go of Cyrus’s hand and placed her hand on her brother’s arm, sliding close to him and whispering as they walked. Cyrus hoped she might be able to pull him out of whatever funk he was in, because it wasn’t nearly as fun exploring London as he’d hoped.

  They had a few hours to walk through the gardens, before Kaitlyn dragged them to the fancier shops to see everything in person.

  He smiled at the memory of watching Kaitlyn plan out her time in London and how she had pestered William with all the details on how long it would take to get from one place to another with the carriages at their disposal. She’d wanted to visit the Regent’s park, the London Zoological Society, and a ball hosted by one of the up and coming couples of the Ton before they had to return to Nellie’s manor house in Twickenham on Monday. When she asked William if it would be possible to tour the Tower of London, he laughed at her request.

  “Sorry, but I don’t believe that would be a good idea. They still use it as a military installation and have some enemies of the state currently held in custody there.”

  She’d named off a few of the things she had seen those few days before going to Nellie’s. William had to crush her dreams more than once. Finally, he suggested they could go for a ride in the carriage to ease her curiosity.

  “What do people do here?” Kaitlyn asked.

  “Live,” William responded.

  “Kate,” Jem said. “Most people here have jobs or responsibilities. It isn’t the tourist attraction it is in our time. And remember, America has only really been a country for less than one hundred years.”

  ***

  Kaitlyn hated to admit that she had gotten tired of all the constant parties and events and huge meals. She wondered how anyone could keep a decent figure if they ate so much. At least today they had been able to walk around the city and see the difference in things from when she’d been here before.

  The shops were small and many were practically adorable. She loved seeing the way the city she had visited a few weeks ago still had so much in common with where she stood now. Many of the buildings were the same structure, just used for different purposes.

  And the crowded streets were nothing like they were when she’d visited that first day after getting off the airplane. She pointed out the things she saw and was thrilled when Cyrus and Jem seemed to get interested in it. Jem had been so pathetic for the last little while. Being outside and walking in the warm sunshine and mostly fresh air seemed to revive him a little.

  She had kept hold of his arm, forcing him to be present, but she sort of wished she could have walked next to Cyrus instead. And now that they were back at Aunt Nellie’s London home resting for a bit before heading out to the dinner
party, she wished he was in the library with her, but he had gone with William for something. Jem sat in the corner with his nose in a book, avoiding her too.

  She hadn’t handled meeting him at breakfast very well. And she’d been too concerned about how she’d felt the night before to understand her emotions when she saw him as she entered the room.

  At first, when they’d arrived the night of the ball, he had seemed so awkward and nowhere near as civil and refined as all the gentlemen at Nellie’s house, but he had picked up quite a few impressive mannerisms to add to his already kind and compassionate heart.

  ***

  Sarah entered the library and spoke softly. “Miss Taylor, are you ready to get dressed for the evening?”

  Kaitlyn closed the book she hadn’t even read a word of, and placed it on the small table next to her chair before standing. “Yes, thank you, Sarah”

  Kaitlyn followed the girl up the stairs and allowed her to help her remove the top layer of her clothes. The dress skirt and the top that buttoned up in the back were the only things that needed replacing. Thankfully, that wouldn’t take long. The only thing that would be any work was the fixing of her hair, but Sarah was pretty quick at doing elegant twists and braids. If they’d had a curling iron, they could have been done in half the time, but as it was, Sarah made short work of it and soon Kaitlyn was ready to descend the stairs.

  A knock at the front door made Kaitlyn wonder if William and Cyrus were back, but they wouldn’t have knocked. She looked over the railing as the butler, Mr. Eves, opened the door. Standing outside, lit by the setting sun, Jack looked rather handsome. She felt guilty for thinking of Cyrus and then suddenly finding another man interesting.

  She couldn’t hear what the two men at the door said, but Jack looked up and saw her. He took off his hat and bowed to her. She forced her legs to work and put a smile on her face as she walked down the stairs.

  “How good of you to call, Sir Hughes.”

  “I told you I would. Have you had an enjoyable stay in London so far?”

  Kaitlyn nodded. She glanced at the open door of the room right near the entryway. Jem was in the library so she felt it would be acceptable to invite Jack in to visit for a moment.

  “It is a lovely city,” Kaitlyn said as she motioned for him to join her. He followed without any hint of surprise at her offer, so she hoped that meant she hadn’t done anything improper. “I was able to go for a walk in Hyde Park today. Tomorrow we’ll be able to go see the zoo.”

  “That doesn’t surprise me at all. I did wonder if you would do that, given your interest in animals. I do believe they have some exotic species. Have you ever heard of orangutans?”

  “Oh, yes,” Kaitlyn said. “I love those. They are so smart.”

  “You’ve seen one?” Jack asked. “Are there zoological societies in America?”

  Kaitlyn searched her mind for that little bit of random trivia. There had to be some somewhere, she just didn’t know where. And would Jack check on her information? “I have only read about them in books, but it feels like I know them.”

  “Would it be too bold of me to ask if I may join you?” Jack asked.

  “I don’t think that would be a problem. Jem and Cyrus and I planned to make a day of it. And if you’ve been there before, maybe you could give us clues to what would be the best things to see. I’m not sure if William will be able to make it or not.”

  “What are your plans for this evening?” Jack asked. He looked at her fancy dress, then back to her face with a look that hinted at interest.

  “Aunt Nellie has graciously allowed us to use her box at the opera.”

  “That is a wonderful gift. I have a box there, too. I planned to ask if you would all be interested in joining me, but I see you have already been taken care of.”

  “That is kind of you to offer,” Kaitlyn said.

  “Think nothing of it. If you would be agreeable to it, I’d like to introduce you to some people there tonight.”

  Kaitlyn nodded. “I would be delighted to meet your friends.”

  “I will take my leave then,” Jack said. “Until tonight.”

  Kaitlyn smiled and nodded. When he stood to leave, she stood and walked partway to the front door. Jack paused and waited for the butler to get his jacket and his hat. He smiled at her, making his eyes crinkle in a way that she was sure was a genuine smile. Her own smile in return felt real and happy instead of forced.

  As he walked out the door, she once again wondered about her feelings toward him. She could never stay here, not knowing what it was like in her own time. All the advantages she had then verses now were too strong to give up. She couldn’t deny she found him attractive and enjoyed spending time with him. But it wasn’t love, she was sure of it. It was only friendship. Yet if she had more time here, she could see how it might be possible to find love.

  She returned to the library and glanced at her brother. She wished he had someone to talk to. If only Reese or Cora were here. She could write the two of them, but how could she put words onto paper that she didn’t really have all sorted out in her head yet?

  Kaitlyn paced the library, moving around the furniture in a circle as she wondered what to do. Jem looked up. “Why on earth are you doing that? You’re making me dizzy. And why are you dressed so fancy?”

  Kaitlyn frowned at her brother. “We’re going to the opera tonight, remember?”

  Jem’s eyes widened a bit. “Oh, I thought that was tomorrow. I’d better go get ready. Where is Cyrus? Is he already dressed? I thought the two of you were just talking.”

  Kaitlyn glared at him. “Are you always this unobservant?”

  “What?” Jem said as he moved toward the door.

  “Never mind,” Kaitlyn said. “Just go get ready.”

  Jem shook his head and left the library, muttering something about sisters under his breath. Kaitlyn rolled her eyes and moved over to the little writing desk in the corner. Maybe writing out some of her thoughts might help her. Once all the tools had been gathered, she drew a line down the center of the paper, watching the ink seep into the coarse paper. At the top of one side, she wrote the letter C. On the top of the other column, she put a J. As she stared at the two initials, she contemplated which one to start with first. Since Jack had just left, she decided to start with him.

  Kaitlyn only managed to write a few qualities down before the opening of the front door made her look up in time to see Cyrus step inside, laughing at something William said. As his infectious laugh reached her ears, she wished she had started with his column. She placed the lid on the ink well, wiped the quill on the blotting paper, and blew on the still damp ink before folding the page up as small as she could get it. She tucked it between her corset and her chemise.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Cyrus stopped and met Kaitlyn’s eyes. She adjusted the top of her dress and he tried not to look at the tempting neckline, but it was hard not to. The midnight blue dress was beautiful and he was secretly glad they had ended up during this time period, where the dresses were so much fancier than the Regency period they’d been in at Nellie’s immersion week. Kaitlyn’s figure had always been attractive, but the full, flowing skirts flared out in an appealing way at her narrow waist. She folded her hands together in front of her, smoothing out her skirts. She seemed unsure of what to do with her hands.

  “Miss Taylor,” William said from behind Cyrus. “You are a vision and will be the envy of many ladies tonight. It is too bad we are only going to the opera tonight. Of course, that may be for the best. I’m not even sure if the three of us could keep all the men at bay who will be begging for a moment of your time.”

  Cyrus heartily agreed. “You do look lovely, Kaitlyn. Where’s Jem? Maybe I should go warn him about keeping an eye on you.”

  Kaitlyn’s growing smile lessened considerably. Before Cyrus could figure out what to say to bring it back, William’s words interrupted his jumbled thoughts. “We should make haste and prepare ourselves. We don’t
want to keep Miss Taylor waiting. I’ll order the carriage. By the time we’ve changed, it should be here.”

  Cyrus followed William up the stairs, hoping his manservant could help him change quickly for him to get back down there and talk to Kaitlyn in private.

  When he returned, Jem was already down there making Kaitlyn laugh about something. At least Jem seemed to be in a better mood. Hopefully the night would be one they could all enjoy. Cyrus just hoped watching an opera in nineteenth century London would be better than the one he’d been required to see during his sophomore year.

  Of course, if he sat near Kaitlyn, it would automatically be one hundred percent better.

  ***

  During the carriage ride, William kept them all occupied by telling of the different things he had been studying while Jem and Cyrus explained some of the physics behind a few of the inventions William had just learned about. Kaitlyn listened with half an ear. Mostly, she was grateful it was relatively dark in the carriage so she didn’t have to see Cyrus’s face or the way he looked dressed in his fine suit coat and breeches.

  Not even her brother compared to the grace and poise that she saw in Cyrus. She wondered if she could sit by him. She doubted she’d dare to do anything really flirtatious. Not that she could hold his hand or anything with the expectations of the day. Maybe she could accidentally brush her hand on Cyrus’s knee while leaning over to talk to her brother. Or maybe she could place her hand on his arm during one of the more confusing parts of the opera and ask him a question. She might be able to gauge the possibility of interest from him.

  It terrified her to put herself out there again. She’d been so humiliated in her early high school years, when she’d hinted she was interested in him after he graduated and moved on to college with her brother. He’d politely declined and seemed uncomfortable with her for more than a year afterward. She didn’t know if she dared do something about it, but if she didn’t give it a go, she’d regret it. Here in the past, where there was a different feel to life and their interactions, she hoped the ambiance might work in her favor.