reputation

by Dr. Rebecca Sharp

  His nose nuzzled mine and the battle that fought inside of him was both frustrating and familiar.

  Fight for me, heart, I tried to breathe into his, knowing this wasn’t part of my deal; I was now bargaining with the wrong person. Still, I pleaded to the part of him that wanted me. The part that kissed and touched me even when he knew that he shouldn’t—even when it made him a traitor. It was the part that healed the hurt and warmed the coldness that he’d left in me.

  “Did you mean it?” I asked again, so tempted to kiss him

  So close. So close to everything.

  “I meant…” he paused, his nostrils flaring with angry breaths. Whatever he’d been about to say was going to add to my missing parts; I could see it happening right in front of me. “I meant what I said about sticking to the contract. To our plan. I said what I had to.”

  To end the conversation? Or to tell the truth?

  “Which is why this,” his mouth captured mine in what would look like a gentle kiss but felt like his lips were holding the bull back from the fight, ready at any moment to break free and devour me, “is just for them,” he finished as his lips turned up in a small, fake smile.

  The heat from his touch dissipated and I didn’t have to turn my head to know that the cameras had gathered to capture the two of us after what was sure to be reported as a ‘sensational’ interview sealed with a kiss.

  He turned and walked to the car leaving me to try and find balance between the intense high I’d been at to the extreme low that he’d pulled me to. I glanced behind me, half expecting there to be a trail of broken pieces of my heart behind me as I followed him.

  I hated the way he could just stand there, a breathtaking model of devastating dissonance, as he held the door open for me like a gentleman while breaking my heart like a scoundrel.

  Track 13: Homesick

  “Every little moment with you is every little reason

  why it feels like half my heart is missing.

  If home is where the heart is,

  then I’m homesick for you.”

  2 Weeks later

  I BLEW ANOTHER BUBBLE, THE popping of it like a soundtrack to my nervous tick as I waited to take the stage in Santa Clara, wishing I could turn and run as fast as I could into the ocean instead.

  Not really. But sort of.

  “Love is in the air (literally!) for Blake Tyler!”

  After Texas, we’d flown to Vegas for three shows at the Aria. California was this weekend and next, then onto Denver. Show after show. Kiss after kiss. Lie after lie.

  “Dinner, Carriage rides, Duets… This popstar’s very own fairytale is unfolding right before our eyes!”

  Zach was that sensation in my life where I couldn’t tell whether he was hot or cold, real or fake—all I knew was that he burned. After that interview, it felt like everything changed even though everything stayed the same. Don’t ask how that is possible, but it is.

  Case-in-point: our day trip in Vegas. We’d taken a break from the commotion on the Strip to head out to the Hoover Dam. I’d gone from laughing so hard that I cried, trying to get away from the spray that would turn my hair into a frizzy mess, to warm and tingly when Zach pulled me close.

  I could have spent forever standing there in the mist with his arms wrapped around me, his hands stuffed in my jacket pockets. That moment, when I tilted my head up and Zach looked at me like I was all he wanted before bending down to kiss me, still replayed in my head like the end of a Hallmark movie.

  Even though I knew that the gesture was staged for the slew of curious eyes fixed on us, the kiss sent electricity up and down my spine, making my heart beat erratically. It. Was. Real. What we had was unstoppable, no matter what my mind argued—or tried to bargain away.

  The cameras that accompanied every excursion were the devils on my shoulder flashing reminders that it felt that way because it was supposed to look that way.

  Emotions are the worst indicators of reality.

  Their insistence became louder every day. Especially when we’d managed to keep to the pact we’d made in his hotel room. Translation: we hadn’t been completely alone since Valentine’s Day.

  I’d come to the conclusion that we were living in this sort of Wonderland—where it was never worse, but never better.

  “Ready, B?” Tay came up to me, holding out a tissue in front of my face for me to spit my gum into.

  “Yeah,” I answered with a sigh.

  “Just a few more weeks, ok?” She gave me an encouraging smile that I attempted to return. “Things are going really well. I know I keep telling you that but, seriously, it couldn’t be going any better.”

  “Blake Tyler finally catches her perfect guy! (After throwing back all the rest of them!)”

  Her hand rubbed comfortingly over my back.

  “Easy for you to say when your childhood obsession isn’t being dangled in front of your face every night.” My joke fell flat. Jokes that aren’t really jokes tend to do that.

  “It could be worse.” I groaned, knowing she was definitely going to find something to make me count my blessings. “I could have told you that you needed to date Stevie Cunningham.”

  I laughed and playfully smacked her arm. Let’s just say Stevie Cunningham was one of those kids who hadn’t figured out personal hygiene by the time high school rolled around, but was still convinced he was hot shit; there wasn’t a week that went by that he didn’t ask Taylor out, whisper that she was secretly his girlfriend, or try to corner her in the hall to get her number.

  She was right, it could be much worse.

  Then again, there was no way in hell that I’d ever be in danger of falling in love with Stevie Cunningham.

  My heart may be going haywire with all of the mixed signals that it was getting, but my reputation was steadily thriving. And that was the whole point of this stupid thing. I should be happy.

  Be happy, stupid heart.

  The day we’d spent out together had jump started it, but it was the interview that cemented that this was something different for Blake Tyler—that this love was real.

  They had no idea.

  Since then, duets had been a requirement for each show. Not always something slow and steady. Last weekend, we even had the other ZPP guys come out and perform ‘Life is a Highway’ with us. It was new and fun and our chemistry on stage was almost as good as it was off.

  Tonight was my night to choose. With the way my insides were being twisted in every direction and after my phone call with my parents last night, I’d opted for ‘Home’ by Michael Bublé. I laughed and made sure there was a smile on my face as I spoke because I didn’t want them to hear my worry and my hurt.

  “Just remember, B, don’t cross the line,” Tay added as I stared out onto the stage where the lights were flickering, indicating that the show was going to start soon.

  She didn’t know it, but I’d come to realize that there was a line between Zach and me, only it didn’t separate us; it was the line in the chorus that sang, ‘I’ve been loving you for such a long, long time.’

  It was a line that would only ever lead me directly to him.

  I jumped when an arm came around my shoulder. Not Zach; my body always knew when he was close.

  “You good, Blay?” I tilted my face to see my brother’s brown eyes narrowing on me with concern.

  He looked like he stepped out of a J. Crew ad with his khakis and blazer, stylishly calm and collected. His face told a different story. I saw how he pushed Zach away after New York—cold and curt to his oldest and best friend. And I saw how it affected Zach; he tried to play it off like Ash was just busy and dealing with a lot of inquires for ZPP to perform since they’d become insta-famous.

  It was a lie.

  Ash hated seeing Zach and me together—even when he knew it was faked.

  And with me, my brother had become even more protective—always stepping in to do anything that Zach might offer or ask to do. Holding the door. Making sure to bring me water when I
walked off stage. He only let Zach near me when absolutely necessary. It was a complete one-eighty from when we were younger—even after the whole graduation party incident—he never cared to leave the two of us alone.

  “Great,” I answered with a forced smile.

  “Over halfway done. Then this shit will be over. Done and gone.”

  I winced at the hard edge in his voice. He rubbed his hand over his mouth and I could have sworn it was to cover a curse. Then with a nod to no one, he walked away and left me with only one mind-numbing, heart-stopping, soul-crushing thought: What was going to happen when this was over?

  Like lightning, it only took one brilliant crack for my calm and sanity to burst into flames.

  When this was over… and Zach was gone.

  My mind spun like a top out of control. He’d be gone. Everything would go back to the way it was. Everything except my heart. My brother’s statement burned away all of my excuses and rationalizations.

  I’d fallen in love with Zach Parker, again.

  Or, more depressingly, maybe I just realized that I’d never really gotten back up from the first time I fell.

  I choked, trying to suck in air that felt like was vanishing. I focused on my breath. I focused on the thing I needed to survive. Zach was right. I didn’t know the moment I’d fallen in love with him; all I felt now was that the only thing that was keeping me alive was being ripped from me.

  Tay quickly handed me the water bottle she’d been carrying, looking at me with concern.

  “Sorry. Thanks,” I said, replacing the cap. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

  Buttoning my blazer, I squared my shoulders, shoving all of my painfully conflicting emotions back down deep inside the little cage I’d had to build for them—a task I’d perfected over these past few weeks.

  I put on the sparkling smile that my adoring fans were expecting to see and walked out onto the stage like the show wasn’t going to cost me another piece of my heart.

  Smile and wave. Just smile and wave.

  Step after step, all of me threatened to fall apart as the edge of the stage seemed to get farther and farther away. Rep-u-ta-tion. I was tied together with that smile but I was rapidly coming undone. I made it to side and out of the lights, stalked by hollers and cheers for another encore, and my shoulders completely collapsed.

  I felt the lyrics to ‘Home’ right down to my bones earlier and they’d echoed in the space for the rest of the performance; that was me—surrounded by a million people and yet I still felt all alone.

  I felt like I was living someone else’s life—the fairytale the world thought I had—the one where Blake Tyler actually gets what she wants.

  I needed to get out of here.

  “Hey! Blake, are you ok? What’s wrong?” Taylor pushed through the group of people that always surrounded me when I walked off stage—to take off the mic, hand me water, etc. “Go,” she said forcefully and they all dispersed.

  “I just need to get out of here. It’s… hot,” I said thickly. “I-I feel like I can’t breathe.”

  She tugged off the blazer I had on, leaving me in just the white cowl-neck shirt and black jeans. “Alright, let me go grab our things and then we’ll leave. How does some In-and-Out and Netflix sound? Good, yeah?” she asked as she squeezed my arm, directing me away from the stage before she disappeared down the hall.

  Most days, Tay knew me better than anyone. But today, I felt like I didn’t even know myself.

  “Blake?” He always found me at my weakest. Or maybe I always found him when I needed him.

  My crossed arms unraveled as I spun to face the man who didn’t want my heart.

  He stalked over to me, his hands gripping into my shoulders. “What the hell happened? What’s wrong?” he asked as he tipped my face to his.

  “Nothing.” I turned my chin from his grasp. I couldn’t look at him right now. I felt like I was in the middle of the desert, starved of water for days, and I couldn’t tell if what was in front of me was really what could save my life or if it was just another mirage.

  “Bullshit,” he growled. “More bullshit than the time you lied to your mom about knowing the truth about Santa Claus because you didn’t want to get Ash and me in trouble for telling you.”

  I gulped and shifted nervously. I was a horrible liar.

  “I-I just need to get out of here. I can’t breathe—”

  Was I having a panic attack?

  Right in front of him?

  Seriously?

  I could hear the blood pounding in my ears. My head felt weightless as it tried to free itself from my body that was weighed down with utter brokenness. Embarrassment made it worse. God, where was Tay?

  “Ok! I have all our—” Taylor cut off, stopping abruptly in the hall when she saw Zach and me, looking between the two of us.

  “I’ll take that,” Zach said, grabbing my favorite worn L.L. Bean bag from her hand. “Let’s go.”

  He grabbed my hand and I stumbled.

  “Wait, where are you going?” Tay asked following us out towards the parking lot.

  “I’m taking her someplace where she can relax,” he said gruffly, opening the passenger door of his rental mustang and ushering me inside.

  I was in a fog—throat, tongue, thoughts—everything was heavy and thick and I felt like I was suffocating.

  “Alright.” I heard Tay’s worried response. “Let me know if you need anything.”

  “Thanks.” The door shut next to me but I could still hear the last thing that he said. “Tell Ash she’s with you. Sick. Please.”

  “Where are we going?” I managed to ask, a few minutes into the drive. My legs were pulled up onto the seat, my heels from the show discarded on the floor of the car.

  “You’ll know when we get there,” was the only response that I got.

  Another few miles weaving through city streets and I had my answer. The beach.

  Zach pulled in and drove to the far end of the lot. Not that it mattered. No one was here this late at night anyway.

  “Alright, Baby Blake, let’s go.”

  I stood too quickly, blood rushing to my head and I felt my knees give way.

  “Christ,” he swore, hoisting me up into his arms.

  Like I weighed no more than a football, he carried me over the sand, heading straight for the water’s edge.

  And he didn’t stop there.

  He kicked off his shoes and then, clothes and all, he carried me into the chilled waves that soothingly lapped the shore.

  “What are you doing? We have clothes on!” I cried out as we went deeper, the water now at his waist and coming quickly for me.

  “Going for a swim.” And then my legs dropped, splashing into the sea. “I think they’ll dry.”

  I gasped as the cold soaked them, but Zach still held me safely tight against his chest. I knew he was trying to put me at ease, but my stomach was already in knots from the show—knots that seemed impossible to disentangle.

  “Jerk,” I shot at him, wrapping my legs around his waist and holding myself tightly to his chest for warmth if nothing else.

  He just chuckled.

  We just stood there for a minute and he made no move to release me. He didn’t ask questions. He didn’t demand to know what happened. He just let me anchor to him and allow the waves to rock my emotions back to some sort of equilibrium.

  “I can’t do this, Zach,” I whispered softly, the words finally finding their way to the surface.

  “Can’t do what, Blay?” The soft rasp in his voice sent shivers to all the parts of me that got me in trouble. “The tour?”

  The tour.

  I ducked my head and the tears let loose. He probably thought I was crazy—a simple question turned me into a sob fest, but I couldn’t stop. My whole body heaved in the water against him as sobs shook my body.

  “Blake, baby,” he hushed, holding me—rocking me. “It’s alright. I got you. It’s all going to be alright.”

  Seconds wer
e stained with tears as I cried into the corner of his neck, my arms wound tightly around him. Delicate. Protected. How I felt in his arms broke me further. I couldn’t continue to pretend like my feelings for him were just for show; it was like trying to hide the fact that my heart was beating—at some point, trying to hide it was going to destroy me.

  “I just want to… need to know… is it killing you like it’s killing me?”

  “Oh Blay,” he said gently, pushing my now-damp hair away from my ear to whisper soothingly, “It’s just a few more weeks. Then they’ll forget about everything that came before. People like to throw rocks at things that shine.”

  He didn’t know. He didn’t understand. And I couldn’t find the words to make him.

  “Blake,” his fingers on my face tightened and his demanding stare intensified. “Listen to me. Forget about the cameras. Reality isn’t in a static image or a tagline. The cameras are liars—liars because they stop time, which cannot be stopped; liars because they show everything in focus when nothing is ever in focus. You can’t see the real you through a lens so let the drama queens find their fix somewhere else. This system is built in such a way that the truth doesn’t always win out. But your fans will still be there and they will still love you.”

  I shook my head against his shoulder.

  “They don’t know me, Zach. I barely know me.” Tears clogged my throat. It was all too much. Constantly surrounded and yet I still felt all alone.

  “What do you need me to do?” He pulled back and brushed the hair away from my face, searching for my eyes that I wouldn’t give him. I shook against him—from the cold or the sobs building inside, I couldn’t tell. “Shh…” he whispered with the waves. “I’m here. When you lose where you came from, I’ll be here. When you forget the way to go, I’ll be here. And when you feel like no one is standing beside you, I’ll be here. Just be still, Blakebaby. I’m here. I’ve got you. Just tell me what you need.”

  I sobbed for what seemed like no reason and every reason at the same time. I wished I could tell him what to do. I wished I could give an order and it would appear—just like anything else in my life could. I could ask for Mariska Hartigay to show up in my room tomorrow to film an episode of Law & Order and someone would make it happen. But I couldn’t ask for Zach Parker’s heart.