reputation

by Dr. Rebecca Sharp

  “Fuck how I wanted this…” He slid out and thrust in again but this time couldn’t bring himself to stop.

  If I wasn’t crazed for release, I might have cried. Maybe I was crying—the fifteen-year-old version of me finally hearing from his lips the truth of how he felt that night—but with the shower I would never know.

  “Oh, Zach,” I moaned as he hit my sweet spot over and over again, each time rubbing my clit.

  It felt like my body was being pulled in two different directions that magically led to the same place—a place that only he knew the way to. It was like he knew the workings of my body just as well as if he’d been fine tuning it for the past six years.

  He drove into me and with a pinch on my clit, I screamed into the tiled room, my body exploding inside and out. My hips jerked back against him, his hands now grasping my hips as he thrust into me a few more times before I heard his strangled groan and felt another wave of warmth deep inside me as he came.

  My breath fogged the gray-blue tile in front of my feet. Everything I saw was a fog, all I could do was feel—feel the way he rode out my orgasm and his, feel the way that my core still clenched around his length that pumped out his desire with long, heavy pulses into my core, murky white droplets now landing on the shower floor as he overfilled my body.

  “It’s always going to be like that, isn’t it?” he rasped, gently kissing my back.

  I moaned in agreement and then in loss as I felt him slide slowly out of me.

  “It’s always going to be like that.” No longer a question, he promised it as he turned and wrapped me in his arms.

  It wasn’t until I could start to feel the water on my skin again that we moved and finished the shower that we’d started.

  “Zach,” I said hesitantly when he handed me a towel to dry.

  His curious gaze met mine, waiting for what I was about to say. My stomach clenched at how gorgeous he was, naked with tiny rivulets of water running down over the hard planes of his muscles.

  “I… I don’t want to tell Ash yet.” His expression hardened. I knew he wasn’t going to be happy about that. “I just…” I ducked my head, focusing on drying my legs as I spoke again. “I think we should wait until the tour is done. It’s only a few more weeks.”

  “You want us to lie to him for weeks?” His tone was flat with displeasure.

  “Well…” I bit my lip. “Or we could just… not do this again until we are back home.”

  His face grew even darker at that, his lip curling slightly as what I’m pretty sure was a growl came from his chest.

  “Is that what you want?”

  “No!” I said quickly—too quickly—my head falling to wrap my towel around me. When I looked back up, he was right in front of me, his hands waiting to cup my face and hold my eyes to his molten ones.

  “Good. Because I don’t think that’s possible,” he rasped, the gold in his eyes glinting with anger. “I told you, Blay, now that I have you, there’s no way in hell I’m letting you go.”

  “Ok… well you’re just going to have to hold on quietly because I’m not ready to tell my brother.” I was determined. Fear made me that way.

  I figured if I just had some time… if we just had some time first… then it wouldn’t matter what Ash said in anger—because it was a safe bet that he was going to be livid; it wouldn’t matter because by then Zach would know that we are meant to be, no matter what my brother said.

  I saw his jaw muscle flex before he agreed. “Fine. But as soon as the tour is over.”

  Standing up on tip-toe, I kissed him again.

  “Now lose the towel Baby Blake,” he demanded as he tugged at the edge I’d tucked in. “I think I still have some making up to do before I have to sneak you back to your own room.”

  I grinned. Shimmying my body slightly, I sent the towel whooshing down to the floor and walked back into his arms.

  9 years ago

  “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?” I heard the rage brimming in his voice, desperate to spill into a physical fight.

  I couldn’t believe she fucking did that in front of everyone. Especially Ash.

  I opened the door into his house and stalked inside.

  “Zach!” A hard grip dug into my bicep as he whipped me around to face him just as the screen door slammed shut. I’d been trying to get us as far away from the crowd as possible before we had this discussion. “What. The. Fuck. Was. That.” Ash was one of those that had a long fuse but a very big bomb at the end of it, especially when it came to anything involving Blake.

  “Does it look like I have any fucking clue?” I met his stare, daring him to contradict me. “You think I would actually know she planned on singing a damn song to me?” I asked harshly as I yanked my arm from his grip and headed down the hall into the kitchen—and farther away from all the guests outside.

  At least that part was true. I had no idea she was going to go and do this. Then again, the second she took the stage clutching her damn guitar, I had a feeling it wasn’t going to end well. I did have an idea why she’d written the song; a small idea that might have to do with the way I’d encouraged her to ride my leg the other night. My dick twitched remembering the way she came and the wet mark that remained stained on my pants after I’d forced her to leave.

  Guilt had been slowly gnawing at me since then. No, that was a fucking lie, too. Guilt had been gnawing at me from the second that I started seeing Blake as anything but a little girl and my best friend’s little sister. Guilt for how my eyes lingered too long as she sauntered around me when Ash wasn’t looking. (Her tight little shorts and sad excuses for shirts hadn’t helped either; they made me horny and that made me irritable.) Guilt for how I closed my eyes at night and her sunshine hair lit up my mind, her porcelain skin glimmering underneath my imagined touch, and her pink pouty lips. Guilt for how my favorite hobby became recalling every blush I’d caused her in embarrassment and every moan that slipped from those lips when she tasted her favorite cookies, meshing memories together to form my own little movie as I let my hand grip my dick and fist myself until I came hard and gasping underneath my sheets.

  I wasn’t the type of person who had this problem. I was the kid who, when I was told not to do something, not to touch something, I listened and didn’t question or complain. (Ash was the complete opposite and I was forever making amends for his breaking the rules.) But with Blake, I couldn’t listen and all my body did was complain.

  It turned me into a cold and curt person that I didn’t recognize but it was my only recourse—it was the only thing I could do to make me feel like I wasn’t betraying my longest friendship.

  But then the treehouse had happened.

  That was the night I could no longer talk myself into believing that I was only attracted to her because she kept trying to flirt with me. No. I wanted Blake Tyler like fire wants kindling and like lightening searches for water. I wanted her because I needed her to ignite me.

  I’d avoided her at all costs since that night to the point where I was even starting to get curious looks from Ash as to why I never wanted to hang at his house.

  “Well it sure as shit sounded like you should have an idea,” he growled at me, eyes glinting.

  I clenched my teeth, pulling my cap off my head and slamming it on my parent’s kitchen countertop—the momentary safe haven.

  Blake was reckless; I should have anticipated that she would do something like this. Maybe if I hadn’t been so cold. Maybe if I had just talked to her and explained instead of lashing out in unfulfilled sexual frustration… maybe she wouldn’t have turned this into a show. But how did I explain something like this? How did I explain something to her when I couldn’t even wrap my own fucking head around it?

  Time slowed as my mind raced, choosing my next words carefully. “I knew she had a crush on me. But you fucking knew that, too.”

  It was pretty damn obvious the way she was flirting all the time.

  “Of course, I knew about the damn crush. God, the
way she stares at you sometimes is laughable and disgusting at the same time.”

  I twitched, hating how he was talking about Blake—hating that my body hummed every time she looked at me like that.

  He swore underneath his breath. “You don’t fucking write and perform a song about a crush, Zach.” He pounded his fist into the counter before stepping just inches from my face. “I swear to God, if there’s something going on between you and my sister—”

  I knew he’d kill me right there and then if I told him what had happened and I can’t say that I would blame him. I wasn’t a bad guy. I wasn’t a player. But that kind of shit didn’t matter to Ash. Loyalty mattered to Ash. Family mattered to Ash. I was like a brother to him and ‘Thou shalt not touch my sister’ was a commandment written in stone. The truth about Blake and me would have betrayed them both. So, I cut him off before he said something that would force me to lie.

  “The only thing going on between Blake and me is the fact that I’ve been trying to avoid her.”

  His eyes narrowed, inspecting my words, looking for the faintest hint of something—anything—that might suggest that there was more to the story.

  “Well, that is true,” he begrudgingly admitted through clenched teeth.

  It was true. Why it was true though…

  A second later, he stepped back and I could breathe again. Running a hand through the bleach-blonde hair that he shared with Blake, he paced a few steps before turning to me again.

  “Zach.” His eyes were still sharp, searching for any sign of weakness in my story. “I swear, if you ever touch Blake—if you ever even look at her like she’s been looking at you, we are done. Fucking. Done. Touching her will end this friendship and then I will end you.”

  It wasn’t so much of a nod as it was a way for me to get away from his stare that I was afraid could see right into the darkest part of my heart that wanted to touch and take every inch of her, regardless of his threat.

  “Do you understand me?” He pressed with a low voice.

  “Yeah, man,” I answered sharply, starting to walk past him. “We should get back outside before this becomes more of a shit show.”

  Again, his grip dug into my arm. “I want your word.”

  It doesn’t matter, I told myself. I was going to be leaving for college. She was young. By the time I came back she probably wouldn’t even remember me, let alone still want me. And by then, hopefully I would feel the same.

  Still, the next words that came out of my mouth felt like lies in the making. But what choice did I have except hope that they never had the chance to bloom?

  “I swear I won’t touch her, Ash,” I spat as though I was offended that he’d forced me to say the words. Really, I was pissed at myself because even though there was no proof, no evidence, and no indication, there was a single silent thread of doubt that tied the two of us together.

  For Ash, doubt that I was telling the truth.

  For me, doubt that I could keep my promise.

  Track 15: Tread Carefully

  “Watch my step.

  Don’t let this slip away.

  Tread carefully,

  It’s only my whole heart on the line anyway.”

  LOVING HIM WAS DANGEROUS.

  Loving him was passionate.

  Loving him was fearless.

  Loving him was burning red.

  “Blake Tyler delivers near-perfect show in Bay Area arena!”

  I skipped off the elevator back to my room like I was Dorothy who’d just found the Wizard and a way home. Even the keycard ding was like music to my ears. When I spun into my room though, my feet tripped over themselves when I found Tay sitting on the edge of my bed.

  “Hey,” I croaked out, dropping my shoes onto the floor.

  “Were you with Zach… the whole night?” She looked down in her lap, her phone screen flashing for a second before she turned it back off and stood.

  Guilty.

  I ducked my head remembering that I had seen a slew of messages from her late last night—early this morning—when I’d set two alarms to wake Zach and me so that I could get back to my room before dawn. I’d been sore and exhausted and, honestly, too desperate to be curled back in his arms that I hadn’t thought about answering her; it had been really late anyways.

  “I’m so sorry, Tay. I-I saw your messages but it was late. I didn’t want to wake you.” I fumbled miserably with the hem of my very wrinkled shirt, hating the look of hurt and concern on her face.

  “I’ve been worried sick.” Her lip quivered and her hand immediately raised to her mouth.

  “Oh, Tay,” I gushed and closed the space between us, enveloping her in a giant hug. As soon as my arms went around her, her shoulders shook with sobs. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize. I… I thought you knew I’d be with Zach… that he would take care of me.”

  I bit my lip thinking of all the ways that he had.

  “I-I was so worried,” she repeated, wobbly. “I thought he’d bring you back… earlier… and then I ran into your brother in the hallway—”

  Oh no.

  “What did he say?” I tried to keep the panic from seeping out as I pulled back from her, keeping my hands on her shoulders. “What did you say?”

  “He asked where you were, of course.” Her strained laugh did nothing for the knots in my stomach. “I’d told him earlier, when I went to grab your stuff from the dressing room, that we were just going to hang out and watch movies in your room. So, it made no sense why I was on the way to my room.”

  “Did you tell him?” I gulped, struggling to get air past my lips.

  “No!” she exclaimed, a slightly insulted look crossing her face. “I-I told him that I came down to grab you some Nyquil because you weren’t feeling well.” Her gaze became even more tortured. “I lied to him, B. I lied to him about you and then I had to convince him not to come check on you because it might be contagious or something.”

  More tears fell from her eyes and for the first time, I saw hard evidence of something that had always nagged in the back of my mind—the idea that Tay might have a thing for my brother. Every once in a while, the thought occurred to me, but like Ash, she’d been like a part of my family for so long, I just assumed that something like that couldn’t be.

  And in doing so maybe I’d been even blinder than Ash.

  “I lied to him about his sister and his best friend.” Her hands came up, forcing mine back down to my sides, so that she could rub her temples. “So I stayed locked in here all night, half-expecting him to burst through the door any minute and realize that you weren’t here—and neither is Zach. And you know your brother, B. You know he’d shoot the messenger.”

  I grabbed her hands and clasped them to me. “Tay, I’m so sorry. I promise you this will never happen again. I will never put you in this situation again, ok? I was just so… lost… and then Zach found me and everything else just faded away.” I sighed. “It’s not an excuse; it’s just the truth.”

  She nodded taking a steadying breath.

  “I’m sorry,” I repeated again softly.

  With an attempt at a smile, she hugged me quickly and said, “It’s fine. Sorry for freaking out. You know what not-knowing and not being organized and having all the answers does to my anxiety. And the thought of having to explain it to Ash…”

  “Yeah.” I pulled back from her and glanced down at myself. “Although, I probably shouldn’t have hugged you. My clothes are full of sand.”

  Her eyebrows shot up. “Just what the heck did you do last night?” She looked me up and down and I tried—but not really—to bite back a grin.

  Reaching for her hand, I pulled her unceremoniously behind me as I headed for the bathroom, needing one more shower after Zach kept me in bed after my alarm for ‘just five more minutes.’ You wouldn’t think that would be enough time for anything impressive to happen. You’d be wrong.

  It was debatable whether or not it was the story or my shower that made the bathroom steam, but
as I scrubbed down I told Tay everything that had happened from the beach to his room to his confession. I even peered out to see the look on her face when I told her that he’d known it was me the entire time in the treehouse.

  “I can’t believe it!” She gasped. “I mean I can. But good thing I’m hearing about this now. If I knew this when I ran into Ash… I mean, he had no reason to doubt me last night and I still had to wet a washcloth with cold water and plaster it to my forehead for a minute when I got back to the room.”

  I shut the shower door again, gnawing on my lip. The warm fizzles that spread through my body when I looked down and saw all the little red marks—tattoos from my night with Zach—quickly faded away when Tay brought my brother back up.

  I was the too-trusting one. Obviously—the way I’d been lulled into all of my previous relationships. Ash was my opposite. He had a select group of friends in high school because he didn’t trust anyone enough to let them in close. Guilty until proven innocent. Zach was like a brother to him, but I was his sister and he’d grown up believing what our dad said in partial jest: that ‘no one will ever be good enough for our Blake.’

  “I’m still in shock, B. You and Zach. After all this time.” I grabbed the towel off the door and stepped out of the shower, rubbing myself dry. “And it was really that good? I mean, it’s been a while since Xavier…”

  I grimaced. It was like I’d completely forgotten any other guy that I’d had sex with. Contrary to my relationship track-record, I hadn’t slept with all of them. Xavier had been almost a year ago. And Levi? I guess a part of me knew that I should be waiting to take that step no matter how much the other part of me threw myself at him because I was trying to prove something to myself and the world—that a guy could actually want me for me.