French Wanker : A Hero Cub Novel

by Victoria Pinder

  I’d made too many mistakes to believe there’d be more for us though. He’d marry, and I’d straighten myself out.

  I swallowed back the ice in my spine and said, “It’s fine. I get to be with you today.”

  His arms were around me again and all was right. I closed my eyes and followed his lead.

  If I could bottle up the warm feeling inside me that I had right now, I’d have a lifetime of happiness beside Quentin.

  I needed to remember Quentin as my slightly brooding, attractive, and strong boyfriend who checked off every dream quality I ever had.

  As the song ended, Bridget and Simon pointed to the door after Simon checked his phone. Bridget said, “Sorry to interrupt.”

  They motioned for us to join, and they set a brisk pace toward the door. “What’s going on?”

  We jogged with them as Simon said, “Someone is harassing Calliope.”

  Quentin held my hand as we exited the ballroom, but I as glanced over the balcony at the gambling hall below, I stopped near the stairs, and my heart raced. “Is that Marlon?”

  Quentin had a quizzical gaze. “With Calliope and her husband?”

  My face was hot.

  Marlon threw his hands in the air to punch Nigel.

  I’d brought this disaster into their lives.

  Nigel knocked him back with knuckles to his chin, knocking him over.

  I cringed. If he hadn’t followed me, Quentin’s friends would be fine.

  My body tensed. This was all my fault.

  Simon led the charge toward the stairs so we could join them. “Damn I didn’t know Nigel had that in him.”

  I didn’t realize how weak Marlon was, but I steeled my shoulders. I’d fix this.

  Quentin nodded. “The police will arrest him. There is certain behavior expected in a casino.”

  Marlon jerked up and pushed out, almost knocking Nigel over, but Calliope lunged with her leg and kicked him back down. Bridget suppressed a shocked giggle. “Yoga teacher for the win.”

  When we made it to the stairs, I pressed my hand to my heart.

  Marlon’s head was bleeding, and I squeezed Quentin’s hand. “He’s hurt.”

  He let me go and flew down the stairs. I called out, “Quentin!”

  Simon and Bridget were right behind him.

  I joined Calliope and Nigel who spoke to the police for a moment, but then I heard Quentin as he said, “Right. We need to wrap his head and get him to the hospital.”

  I glanced at the heavy mahogany table and the sharp corner he must have hit when he went down.

  I also heard Nigel telling the police that Marlon was drunk and about to attack his wife for stating he needed to leave her alone. Then he had his hands folded in front of him and said, “Quentin, Simon, this guy came out of nowhere and assaulted my wife.”

  “It’s a head wound,” Simon said fast. “He’s lost consciousness.”

  For my next screw up in life, I should probably take self-defense classes from Calliope. One kick knocked him out. But the bigger part of me ached that he attacked these good people because I was an idiot.

  I never saw him drunk or angry like this at home, other than the occasional road rage where he stepped on the gas to somehow prove his manliness. Maybe that should have been a clue, but my goodness… What would my life have turned into if I’d actually married him?

  Bridget used towels from the bathroom she somehow managed to find and tied his head as paramedics arrived.

  Quentin then spoke in fast French where I basically heard médecin and Marlon’s name.

  Marlon’s eyes opened, and he stared at Quentin. “That fucking doctor can’t help me. He’s the asshole who stole my life.”

  Boy, I knew how to pick ’em. This was all on me. I closed my eyes and somehow wished I could stop myself from ever going out with Marlon.

  Quentin helped him get onto the aluminum stretcher. “I took what was offered. Next time be a man if you want to keep a good woman.”

  A moment later the paramedics pushed him away. I swallowed, and when Quentin came back to my side, I said, “You helped save him.”

  He glanced at me, and his face was white. “I didn’t.”

  I hugged him. He saved me from disaster. He helped save Marlon who, hopefully, calmed down on his own and moved on with his own life. He was a hero. “Quentin, you’re a gifted doctor. You need to live up to that.”

  Quentin stared at Simon and Calliope. “I’m a doctor because I couldn’t save my brother or my family. I thought I could help others avoid what happened to me, but I can’t.”

  His friends were right. Giving up on his dreams was a disaster. “Sure you can,” I said. “You did today. I’m sure you figured out countless patients’ problems.”

  He took both hands of mine in his and shook his head. “Don’t try to save me, Kara. I’m not worth it.”

  “Yes, you are. It’s why everyone’s here. You’re amazing.”

  The words flew out of my mouth. Quentin deserved the best. I might not be his forever, but he needed to follow his own path.

  He let me go. “I have to go.”

  And then he walked up the stairs, alone.

  My insides twisted as I watched him leave. I was broken now. I’d pushed away the only man I’d ever truly loved.

  Chapter 15

  Quentin

  I aimlessly walked for hours. The beach had no answers, but my skin was all pins and needles and adrenaline kept me out there.

  Kara’s face haunted me, but I wasn’t sure what to say.

  Everyone there tried to get me to be a doctor. My plan to go back to the vineyard was good. My parents expected me.

  And I failed Cecilia. I couldn’t forget that, ever.

  Desiree’s legal suit against me haunted my nights, and I’d lost the ability to breathe for months.

  It hadn’t mattered that the inquisition had found me not guilty of any wrongdoing; I hadn’t. Cecilia and Blake were dead because I’d been careless.

  If I could miss clues in my fiancée’s case, when she’d trusted in me, I was a monster. I let her down, just as I let my brother down.

  Once the dusk settled in the sky, I knew I needed to head back to the hotel.

  Kara waited for me. I was losing precious moments of being with my personal goddess in my room. My wanker was hard just thinking about her there, without me.

  So, I double timed it back to the room, up the stairs, and opened our hotel room door.

  Stillness caught my attention. The room was empty. The bed was made, but the room lacked the rosy smell I ached for.

  Figures. All her things were out of the bathroom, and her bag was gone.

  I collapsed on the bed and closed my eyes when I sat on paper that crinkled. I jumped up, grabbed it, and read her sweet note.

  Quentin,

  I flew back to Pittsburgh. You saved me. I hope one day you’ll understand why I had to leave, but I also hope even more that you follow your heart and your passion. Being a doctor is awesome. Forgive yourself.

  Kara

  No words of love. I shouldn’t expect she’d feel the same. We’d always been temporary. Maybe I’d been wrong to correct the falling in love easily part. I hadn’t deserved her.

  I’d never been a provider. I wrinkled the paper to throw it away, but then decided to keep it. It was the only thing I had of her now.

  I took a cold shower and checked the train times to Saint-Cyr-sur-Mer. Maybe I’d stop remembering Kara if I left this room.

  When night began to ascend fully into the sky, I zipped up the small bag and bought my ticket online.

  It should be easy to leave. I gave the room one last look over but then dragged myself out.

  However, as I descended the elevators to head to my train and check out of the hotel, my friends were all sitting on a couch.

  I took a deep breath and headed over to say goodbye, but Bridget immediately asked, “What happened to Kara?”

  I lost her because I took too long. My hear
t sank at the thought, and I pocketed my hands. “She’s gone. It’s fine.

  Calliope hugged me. “No it’s not. You loved her.”

  Were the secrets of my soul so obvious? My muscles tightened, but I met her gaze and asked, “Was it obvious?”

  She let go of me and squeezed my cheek like I was still a boy. “To everyone but maybe her. Did you tell her?”

  I cringed. “No.”

  Simon slapped me on my back. “When I left Bridget and hadn’t told her I loved her, I came home to find another guy in her bedroom.”

  Bridget groaned and shook her head. “He was hired to fix the wall, not to join me in bed.”

  Simon stayed beside me like we were family. “I was jealous, and I hadn’t told her how I felt. If you love her, you have to tell her.”

  She’d already said no to my signals. She didn’t love me back. “I need to figure out a few things first. I should get going to my parents now.”

  Bridget gave him a pointed look that only Simon might understand the meaning, but it was clear to me they were deeply in love. Lucky Simon still got to have whatever he wanted. But then he said, “Look, Saint-Cyr-sur-Mer is a two-hour drive from here. Can we come see you tomorrow or the next day?”

  More trying to save my soul? “You don’t have to come to the vineyard.”

  Calliope said in a lower tone, “We want to see Blake’s grave.”

  Got it. Of course. They’d flown halfway around the globe. “I’ll have a guest house set up for you.”

  Then they all hugged me goodbye like we were family.

  None of them blamed me. They didn’t know it was my fault the boat was missing a life vest. They also hadn’t known Cecilia and how she’d trusted me. I’d taken her for granted and killed her when I hadn’t thought she might have cancer in my initial tests.

  Carelessness wasn’t attractive.

  The world was pretty dark, and it wasn’t the time of day from leaving the hotel, catching the train, and walking to my family’s vineyard.

  Saving Marlon’s life had been the only good thing I’d done recently.

  Hours later, it was close to midnight when I opened the door to my parents’ house. My parents and grand-mère were in their night clothes but were wide awake, holding books or the remote control to the television. I dropped my bag on the floor and hugged them.

  “Maman, Papa. Grand-mère.”

  My father spoke first. “We’re happy to see you.”

  My mother offered me a freshly baked croissant.

  “Thank you,” I said. She guided us to the table for me to eat, and my father poured the wine. Once I finished, I dug out my wallet. “Grand-mère, here is your ring back.”

  She placed it on the wooden table. My mother smiled at me. “Calliope said you had a new girlfriend.”

  Grand-mère added, “We were looking forward to meeting her.”

  I shrugged. “I lost her.”

  My mother patted my hand. “How?”

  As I finished, I held my tongue for a moment. Unlike every other woman, when I remembered Kara’s face, she was in bright color to me. I shook my head like that might erase the image. “Because she said I gave up on my dreams.”

  My grandmother pushed the ring back at me. “I like her.”

  Huh? She hated every girlfriend I’d brought home for dinner. “You never like any of my girlfriends, Grand-mère, and you don’t even know Kara.”

  She gave a “ha” and sipped her wine. Once she finished, she patted my hand like I was an idiot she needed to shepherd. “I was looking for just one selfless thing out of any woman’s mouth. Every girl you ever brought home was self-involved.”

  I never needed a woman like I ached to have Kara. But I drank a glass with my family and stared into the empty container once I finished. “So am I. All I do is live with regret.”

  She showed her wrinkles as she asked in a low voice, “Were you in love?”

  I refilled everyone’s glasses. “Doesn’t matter. Life changes fast. Look, Simon and Calliope want to come and see Blake’s grave.”

  For a moment no one spoke. I remembered all the rude things I’d said to Kara in that moment and, for once, didn’t dwell on never being good enough to help my parents. She’d have slapped me if she’d had known.

  “Oui. Bien sûr,” my father said.

  I saw how my mother was still. For years, I wanted more from them. They’d come to graduation, but they’d had almost no emotion at anything I did. Good grades. Bad grades. None of that mattered.

  I stared into my glass. “Don’t start drinking, Papa, and don’t start crying, Mama.”

  My mother wiped a tear from her eye and smiled. “We didn’t handle Blake’s death well with you, Quentin. We should have gotten help sooner, but the therapists you sent over the years… They helped. Thank you.”

  Well, then the years of schooling had mattered. If we all didn’t go to pieces at the mention of Blake, then I’d helped here. “Glad that worked.”

  My father finished his own sip and asked, “Are you going to set up a new practice in town?”

  Practice? I’d killed my fiancée, my brother, and really the biggest good was finding people to help my parents. My mind was a mess. “Why would you think that?”

  My mother said, “Doctor Trudeau is retiring, and we need a new doctor here.”

  Like in most places, doctors preferred urban settings. Maybe I wouldn’t have taken Cecilia’s death so seriously if I’d had people close to me who cared.

  Helping Marlon was a rush of adrenaline.

  “I hadn’t thought that far ahead.”

  My father asked, “What’s your plan, Quentin?”

  “I’m going to live in one of our guest houses and help you more, Papa.”

  Grand-mère scoffed. “I knew Cecilia was wrong for you. She hadn’t even told you all her symptoms as it interfered with her shopping.” She stared at my father, jabbing a thumb at me. “Now he’s given up on his dream.”

  Even she saw it? “Grand-mère…”

  The pause in the air was obvious when she pushed the ring to the edge of the table in front of me. “Get over your ennui and chase after your dreams before you really lose.”

  “I don’t know if I can.”

  She let out a major sigh. I put her ring back in my wallet as she wanted me to.

  “I’m going to go take a shower.”

  “Be here for breakfast so we can see more of you,” my mother said.

  Right. Perfect. I put my bag on my back. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

  Outside, I took one of the parked golf carts to one of the houses in the back. The estate had five houses attached to the land, plus the bed-and-breakfast for short-term guests.

  I’d always liked the one near the lake, so I drove there and made myself at home.

  As I finished unpacking my small bag, I took out my phone and emailed the local doctor my mother had mentioned. Doctor Trudeau, how much for your practice?

  I put my phone down, dug out my laptop, and set it up. A moment later I whispered to myself, “There. I did it, Kara. I was a fool for walking away from you.”

  Out of habit I checked my phone as I put it on charge and read the fast response. These people need a doctor far more than I need money. Meet me tomorrow morning.

  I’d look into this. Being helpful was better than doing nothing. I’ll be there.

  Breakfast, meetings… I guess life continued for me, even if I let my love go. I took out Kara’s note. “Kara, I lost you, but you were right about me. I love being a doctor.”

  I just didn’t deserve her.

  I placed the paper under my pillow. It was probably an over-indulgence, but I missed sleeping beside her. Maybe one day this feeling would go away, but it probably never would. I’d ache for her the rest of my life.

  Chapter 16

  Kara

  The moment I stepped on the plane my insides were all twisted, and I had goosebumps.

  My vacation was over.

  There
was no point in seeing Italy. I’d feel even more alone and needy without Quentin, so I booked a flight home.

  Better to start fixing my life instead of running away from it.

  He’d never love me, and I was starting to love a way better man than I deserved.

  I found my seat next to an elderly couple who seemed so happy. She’d packed him apples, and they shared it.

  I’d never have anyone to share an apple with, who loved me like that, but I’d have to get over that. Right?

  I stilled when I saw officers, and my entire body racked with tension as they escorted Marlon to the back, presumably to his seat.

  I’d cringed as he passed, but they put him in the last row.

  I was on edge he’d come to see me for the first few hours, but he never did.

  Good. As I landed in Pittsburgh, I grabbed my bag and headed out.

  My feet dragged like I’d lost my chance at happily ever after, though I was home. I made it outside, and my friend Sabrina was there waiting for me. She honked, and I tossed my bag in her trunk. After I got into her heated car, I relaxed into the cloth seats.

  “You’re back early,” she said.

  Sabrina took off in a sharp turn as I held onto my seat. “I couldn’t stay.”

  She started to go, but then she jerked on her brakes as we passed the next exit. Her eyes were wide. “Was that Marlon?”

  I motioned for her to go fast and covered my face, so he didn’t see me. “Yeah, we had the same flight home.”

  She scoffed and peeled out in her fifteen-year-old Chrysler that could double for a Nazi car. As we made it out of the airport, she asked, “Are you back together with him?”

  “Absolutely not,” I said and checked my seatbelt.

  She shook her head and drove like she’d repeat what Calliope had done to him in the casino. “Thank God for that. Now tell me what happened.”

  The highway was busy, so we had time. And I remembered how yesterday I woke up in the arms of a man who was warm, made me laugh, and dared me to live.

  Now I was here, where there were cold, gray skies. I sighed. “I met a wonderful French doctor. I had the time of my life, and now I’m home to find a new job and start fixing my life.”