Letting Go of Us (Anchored Hearts Vol. 3)

by J. M. Witt

  “Ok, my turn.” Smith was gazing to everyone while he rubbed his chin. “Never Have I Ever had sex in my parent’s house.” Laughter broke out and they all started razzing Smith that he hadn’t done that. We all took our shots. My head was definitely beginning to swim. Now it was James’ turn.

  “Never Have I Ever let a lover tie me up.” I just glared at him. I didn’t know if he was trying to make a statement or if he was just being an ass. He was never tied up? How was that possible? Everyone picked up their glass.

  “Geez, you bunch of harlots.”

  Laughter filled the room as Delaney said, “You’re the one engaged to a cop. So I’m guessing he uses cuffs!”

  Jane turned beet red before she asked, “Never Have I Ever had sex in a barn.” Christ. Were the fates out to get me?

  I looked to Paul and couldn’t help but smile as we lifted our glasses. I’d lost my virginity to Paul, in my barn almost ten years ago. Though I was pretty positive we were the only ones who knew that. Jane then asked for a bathroom break and we all agreed. I remained seated as everyone, some stumbling, moved away from the table.

  “It was him, in the barn, wasn’t it?” I looked up as the room shifted in my vision, making me dizzy. I was pretty sure James and I were the only two within hearing distance.

  “Now you decide to talk to me?” I tried to stand up and immediately fell back down to my chair.

  “How much have you had to drink?”

  “Not enough! As if you give a shit.” I watched the hurt pierce his eyes as he gripped his glass, turning his knuckles white. Bed, I wanted my bed, or a toilet, or both, immediately. James stood up and walked over to me. He pulled me to my feet, wrapped his arm around my waist and led me to the sliding doors. “I don’t want to go outside.” I tried pushing his hands off of me, but it was pointless.

  Once we stepped on to the deck, the cool air felt utterly refreshing as I inhaled it deeply. Almost immediately my stomach was wrenching. I stumbled to the edge and began unleashing the contents of my stomach. He was pulling my hair out of my face and I was completely humiliated. Once my stomach calmed down, he handed me a napkin to wipe my face with. It was then I managed to shove his arms off of me.

  “Why are you here?”

  “I didn’t know you’d be here. I’ll leave in the morning. I wouldn’t want to interrupt your romantic weekend with Paul.”

  I attempted to smack him, but he caught my wrist. Did he really think I went up there to be intimate with Paul? I wasn’t ready to take that step. How could I when I didn’t even know where James and I stood. I was trying to think of what to say to him, but I had nothing. It was pointless. The tears began rolling down my cheeks.

  “Cassidy. Why did you use your safe word? Why did you let me think Paul was the father of the baby?”

  I was leaning against the deck railing, digesting his words. “I, you, James you shut me out in every way except physically. I didn’t know what else to do to get through to you.” I took a deep breath, “As to the baby, you told me you were fucking around with Melissa. I was hurt and wanted to hurt you back.”

  He ran his hands through his hair, pulling a few strands loose, and then braced his hands on the railing. “Cassidy, there are some things that are better left unknown.” He was referring to shutting me out, I thought, and didn’t respond to my statement about Melissa.

  “What are you talking about? What’s haunting you? Please, tell me.” I couldn’t resist touching him and wrapped his forearm between my shaking hands. “James, please.”

  His other hand came down over mine as he turned to face me. “Cassidy, it’s too much. Too many dark caverns that I don’t want to take you down. I’ve proven over and over that all I do is hurt you.” He interlaced his fingers with mine as my other hand covered my eyes.

  I ached for him, his demons, and whatever absurd reason he had that he wouldn’t let me in. “I know you have nightmares. I have them too. I wish you’d let me comfort you.” Why had I told him to go earlier? If I’d asked him to stay, maybe things would be different. We could have been on our way to reconciliation.

  “I wish for that too. But it’s too late. You said so yourself.” I looked up to him and there it was again. That distant look he got when he’d made a decision that he wasn’t going back on. “We’ve lost too much, together and alone. I can never make it up to you. You deserve to be happy.” He then pulled me in his arms, confusing me even more.

  Sobbing, I cried out, “You make me happy. Please don’t do this.” I looked up to him, pleading, begging, and wishing I knew what to do to get him to open up and change his mind.

  “You need to let me go, Cassidy.” He pried my arms off of him and stepped several feet away from me.

  “I will not let go. What are you so afraid of?” He rushed to me then and the look in his eyes startled me.

  “You have no idea what real fear is. You have NO idea what I’ve seen, done and tolerated in this world.” I’d never seen him so angry. He was gripping my upper arms so tightly that I knew I’d surely have a bruise or two. “And I won’t subject you to it. Not now. Not after everything else you’ve been through.”

  “I have no idea because you won’t tell me!” I tried pulling myself out of his grip and yelled, “You’re hurting me.” His hands dropped from my arms as the sliding door opened up.

  Paul poked his head out asking, “Everything ok. We’re ready to get the game back up and running when you are.”

  James looked to me, “She’s in no condition to play. I’m done too.” He then leaned in so only I could hear and whispered, “Paul loves you. Let him love you. He won’t let you down.” His words were like a dagger to the heart. I heard his footsteps as he walked away from me, but my world was spinning.

  “James, what’s going on?” Paul was suspicious, too, and I wasn’t entirely sure if he had heard what James had said to me or not.

  “Get her to bed. She’s already hurled over the deck.”

  “Dude, where are you going? You’re in no shape to drive.”

  “I’m not driving anywhere. Just take care of her. She needs someone she can count on.”

  I listened while they discussed me like I wasn’t even there. He was handing me over to Paul like I was a piece of property. How had it happened? My legs gave out and I sank to the deck floor. I think, no, I knew I was in a state of shock.

  “Hey, let’s get you to bed.” Paul helped me to my feet and walked me back in the house.

  Jane came rushing over. “What’s going on?”

  “She just needs to rest. I’m going to take her up to bed”

  “Maybe I should take her.”

  I was aware of my brother’s voice and managed to squeak out, “It’s ok. Paul can take me.”

  Paul walked me to the staircase and we started walking up. With every step, the stone inside my chest grew bigger and bigger. I couldn’t breathe anymore with the weight of it. A sob broke free and my knees gave out. Paul swept me up in his arms and carried me to my room as I cried into his neck.

  He sat me on the bed and then walked into the bathroom. I heard the water running and then he returned with a cold rag and handed it to me. I pressed it to my face, trying to get the tears to stop. When the tears finally ceased, the pounding in my head renewed. I was a complete wreck. Every part of my body ached. James was throwing us away, me away, and I didn’t understand why and didn’t believe I ever would. His mother said he would push me away, but I never dreamed he’d take it so far. How long was I supposed to hang on?

  “I’m going to go find some ibuprofen and I’ll be right back.”

  I sat there for a moment before getting up and I shed my sweat pants and socks. It dawned on me that I was wearing a shirt of James’ and I pulled it off, throwing it across the room. I’d forgotten about Paul and that he said he’d be back. The only thing I knew was that I was angry, boiling with rage.

  I was pulling a brush through my hair when my door opened again. Paul closed it and was half way in t
he room, holding a bottle of pills in one hand and a glass of water in the other, before he realized I was half naked. I had a fleeting thought to cover myself and decided against it. I was in my bra and panties and we both stood there, just staring at one another. Nothing mattered anymore. I didn’t want to deal with emotions, I just wanted to feel. Revenge looked good right about then and so did Paul.

  Chapter 4 ~ Revenge

  ~ PAUL ~

  I was frozen, not believing my eyes. I told her I’d be right back. Why was she just standing there in nothing but her underwear? Fuck. She looked amazing. Her curves were more defined than they were all those years ago. I was instantly growing hard. I’d wanted her back in my bed since that first night I saw her again all those months ago. I knew she was in love with James, hell, she was his wife, but I also knew there was still chemistry between her and I. The whole situation was fucked up. I had no idea she was with James when I got his call that he needed a new foreman and wanted me for the job. Hell I didn’t even know that they knew each other. When the three of us put all the pieces together, it was beyond uncomfortable.

  “Cassidy?”

  “Paul, please don’t leave.”

  She was playing dirty, whether she knew it or not. The black bra and panties she wore, against her porcelain skin, had my fingers aching to touch her again. The tattoo on her ribcage was begging to be caressed, by me. I set the water and bottle of pills down on the dresser before making my way over to her.

  “Cassidy, this isn’t right. You’re hurt and angry.” The mistake I made was placing my hands on her shoulders. She pressed herself against me before running her hands up my chest.

  “Paul, stop talking. I know you want me.” My eyes met hers as she got on her tip toes and pressed her lips to mine. When I didn’t immediately respond she whispered against my mouth, “Kiss me, Paul.”

  I lost all sense and buried myself in her kiss. God, it’d been too long. Her kisses were better than I remembered them being. I bent down, running my hands down her thighs before pulling them up and around me. Walking to the bed, I sat down on the edge. I broke the kiss then and cupped her face. She was so beautiful.

  She began kissing my neck and sucking on my ear. I couldn’t help but press her warmth against my throbbing erection. She let a moan escape her lips as she rocked her body against mine. My hands ran over her chest and the tops of her breasts.

  “Please, Paul.”

  “Cassidy, I’ve wanted you for so long.” She was frenzied and not listening to me. Pulling at my shirt before she ran her hand to my groin, I had to grab her hands to get her to look at me. “I royally fucked up when I let you go all those years ago.” I saw the change wash over her.

  She pulled away, “Why’d you let me go, why does everyone let me go?”

  I had to stop before we took it any further. “Cassidy, you’re not ready for this. You’re hurt and angry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you.” I lifted her off my lap and set her down on the bed next to me as her sobs picked up again. I stood up and pulled the covers down on the bed and directed her to lie down.

  Once she was under the covers, I brought her the water and pills. She threw back a couple, drank a sip of water, and laid back down. She was already dozing off when I pushed the hair from her forehead. “I don’t think I ever stopped loving you.” I kissed her forehead and left her to sleep.

  When I walked out of the room and back down the hall, I realized the house was quiet. Everyone must’ve gone to bed. I took it upon myself to make sure the house was locked up. When I walked past the back room, which was a full of overstuffed furniture and a fireplace, I saw that there was a fire burning. James was sitting in a corner, with a glass in his hand, just staring into the fire.

  “She’s in bed sleeping. I got her to take some Motrin beforehand.” He didn’t acknowledge my presence, just swirled the contents of his cup. “James, I know you love her, at least I think you do. And you’re not the only one. I lost her once and it tore me apart. I hope you know what you’re doing.”

  His eyes moved to mine, but there was nothing in them. Not wanting to get into it any further with him, I made my way up to my room.

  ~ JAMES ~

  “I’m not driving anywhere. Just take care of her. She needs someone she can count on.”

  I walked away and headed straight for the basement door. Once down stairs, I walked through the sliding door and onto the patio. I turned on the light, grabbed the hose, and cleaned up the mess Cassidy had made.

  I was broken, worthless, and unworthy of her. She deserved someone who could show her all sides of themselves and let her in. And someone who could stand with her when she needed him most. I’d failed at all those things. I had waited too long. There were things in my past even I couldn’t come to grips with. It was even worse, since everything with Derek happened.

  When I confessed to killing Derek, I saw how she looked at me and she was right. I was a murderer, even if it wasn’t Derek I was referring to. I’d killed others. Hard, cold, and unlovable is what I was, and she deserved more.

  After cleaning the deck, I went to the family room and turned the fire place on. The noises from everyone else eventually faded as everyone headed to bed.

  “James?” I turned to look at Smith. “You ok?”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  “I know it’s none of my business, but I like to think we’re friends first. She’s your match. Don’t let her go. You can rebuild what you had.”

  He left the room then and soon Paul walked in. He prattled on about loving Cassidy and how it tore him apart. For me, you couldn’t tear apart what was already shredded. Letting her go would quite possibly kill me, but she was better off. It wasn’t about me anymore.

  I finally grabbed my bag, which was still by the front door, and climbed the stairs. Making my way to the last room, my room, I made my way inside. I didn’t bother turning the lights on as I removed my clothes and climbed into bed. Her scent filled my nostrils and I knew immediately she was in bed next to me. Her soft breathing filled my ears and my heart began to hammer for her.

  As my eyes adjusted, I took in her shape in the darkness. She had her back to me and I couldn’t help but scoot closer. I briefly wondered how she ended up in my room; Jane and Smith both knew it was my room. Maybe they weren’t paying attention or maybe it was a setup. Reaching under the covers, I trailed my trembling hand down her side and back up again.

  “James…”

  She mumbled my name, but she was still asleep. I was relieved that she whispered my name and not Paul’s. I rested my head down next to hers and pulled her in my arms. I had to hold her one more time, even if she wasn’t aware that I was there. I would always love her, but she’d do better without me. Without me in her life there would be no media hounding her, no conspiracies, no more violence, and no more miscarriages.

  My hand drifted to her belly. The foreign feel of tears leaked from my eyes. She had been carrying my child and then she had lost my child. I was to blame for that, too. I had kept too many secrets from her and in the end it killed our child. She said that she had forgiven me, that there could be more babies, but I couldn’t risk her health and happiness anymore. Everything she’d lost was linked to me, in one form or another.

  I drifted off for a few hours. When I woke, she was in the same position and I knew I hadn’t had a more restful night’s sleep in weeks. I kissed her temple, “I’ll always love you, Blackbird.”

  I crawled out of bed, grabbed my belongings and headed to another bedroom to dress. I then left her to her weekend. If she had any chance of moving on from me, I needed to be as far away from her as possible. That was easier said than done. Cal and Jane’s wedding was fast approaching and I wouldn’t be able to completely avoid her.

  I got in my truck and put her iPod on to play. It must’ve been in her purse that day she fell down the stairs. I’d found it that night when I’d packed my bags and before I had left. I should’ve given it back to her, but hadn’t.
Instead I’d stepped into a little piece of her world, her treasured music. The playlist titled with my name was selected and I pushed play. There’s a Rumor by The August Empire filled the truck. It was wrong to let her think I didn’t love her. As I listened to the song, I wondered what her thoughts were. Did she really still love me? Was I a fool?

  I remembered something Dr. Pratt had said. ‘Your happiness is only about YOU. If Cassidy wants to bear your burden, let her, maybe that’s what will make HER happy. That’s what love is and also something a true submissive longs for. It’s between the two of you and no one else can come between that.’

  I pulled the truck over and debated about turning around to go and get my girl. If, and that was a big if, I was going to get her back, I had to do it right. If she was meant to be mine, Paul wouldn’t be a factor. Paul was my friend. But this was about more than friendship. It was about the love of a lifetime. She was still my wife, I had time. I needed to tie up the loose ends, Dan being one of them. She would be mine again, even if I had to wait twenty years for it to happen.

  ~ CASSIDY ~

  I was aware of my pounding head as the sun poked through the curtains. For a moment, I wondered where I was and then the previous night came flooding back in to my memory. My arms outstretched in the big bed and the space next to me was warm. Did I? I was so confused. I thought I heard a door close and scrambled out of bed. I threw on a shirt and my sweats and ran down the stairs and to the front door.

  His truck pulled out of the drive and I was helpless as I watched. Now I was just mad. I shouldn’t have been surprised that he was gone. I also couldn’t help but wonder if I’d shared my bed with him, or maybe with Paul. Oh, God. Please tell me I hadn’t. I felt someone nudge my arm and looked to find Cal beside me. He handed me a cup of coffee and stared down the driveway with me.