Letting Go of Us (Anchored Hearts Vol. 3)

by J. M. Witt

  Holly was cradled in Cassidy’s arms, both of them covered in blood. Holly was gone, but I couldn’t relay that to Cassidy. Sam was conscious and had been holding Holly’s hand when the paramedics pried him away. I still believed that he died of a broken heart and who could blame him. He watched the woman he loved get gunned down right in front of him. He’d been wounded himself, but didn’t die until a few hours later, at the hospital, after insisting on an update about Holly. I never confessed that information to Cassidy. What good would it have done?

  “You ok, man?” Turning to Paul, the memories faded away. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  “Eh, something like that. We all set?”

  “Yup.”

  We each walked to our vehicles and I wondered if we’d ever get back to a place where we could talk like comrades again. We were too old to let a girl come between us. Of course, that was how we’d met in the first place. Maybe it was kismet. I left a few minutes after he did and drove by Cassidy’s place. Her car was out front and as I was working up the courage to go talk to her when she walked out the door and got in her car. She hadn’t seen me and as Ryan pulled out behind her, he waved to me. I nodded and pulled away, following them, though I knew where she was headed. Calling Ryan, I asked him to stay outside the cemetery to wait for her.

  She surprised me when she walked to my mother’s grave first. God, I loved that woman—my mother, too. She laid a flower down and then walked the hundred yards or so to Holly’s grave. I gave her a few minutes alone before I started to approach her. I didn’t have any idea what I’d say to her, but just wanted to be there for her. All our differences put aside. She was sniffling when she stood back up, wiping a tear away, she turned and spotted me.

  She looked around briefly, almost seeming confused by my presence. “Wh, what are you doing here?”

  “What do you think I’m doing here?”

  “You remembered?” She was surprised that I had remembered what she’d lost and it baffled me.

  “How could I forget?” She looked so frail and broken. She tried to speak and then tried containing her sobs. I took a step toward her and she took a step back. “Cassidy, let me hold you.”

  She searched my eyes, probably gauging if I was up to something else. “I miss her so much. This last year…”

  “I know.” I took another step toward her as she buried her face in her hands. “Shh.” I wrapped my arms around her and gently pulled her to me. She didn’t resist and I buried my nose in her hair as her citrus scented shampoo assaulted me. “It’s going to be ok.”

  ~ CASSIDY ~

  Annie and I were walking out of the club in silence, her words running through my brain. I’d confessed what I’d done and she was really cool about it. She told me that if I was looking for a no emotions and no commitment relationship, she knew a Dom who would love to work with me. It felt strangely like a proposition. I told her I’d think about it. I mean, really, I didn’t know what to think. No emotions and no commitment sounded really appealing, but was it possible?

  “Cassidy!” Shit! Looking to Annie, she stepped a few feet away as Paul caught up to me. “You just left?”

  “I’m sorry. I freaked out.”

  He moved a little closer and lowered his voice. “Cassidy, if I did something wrong, please tell me. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t…”

  “Stop. You didn’t do anything wrong. I just want to go home and go to bed.”

  “Cassidy, we need to talk about this.” He put his hands on my shoulders and leaned down to meet my eyes. “Let me make this right. I’ll take you home. Please.”

  Nodding my head, I agreed. Looking to Annie, I apologized and assured her that Paul would get me home. The sun was slowly rising and Annie encouraged me to call her. I climbed into Paul’s SUV and he headed toward my place. We drove in silence and he reached over and placed his hand on top of mine. I’d really screwed everything up.

  He pulled in my driveway and I jumped out before he had a chance to get out. “Hey.” He ran up the steps fast on my tail. “Cassidy, stop running.”

  “Paul. I’m so embarrassed. Can’t you just let me wallow?”

  Snickering, he whispered, “No. Why don’t we sit and talk and you can tell me why you’re so embarrassed.”

  I could feel my cheeks burning up as I turned the key and let us in. “Please give me a few hours.” I stopped short of letting him in all the way and turned to face him. “I can come over for dinner and we can talk. But, I have to sleep.”

  He let out a huff of breath and rubbed his hands over his face. “Ok. But if you’re not at my place by six, I’ll be here by six-fifteen.”

  “Ok. Deal.” He kissed my cheek before walking back out.

  I fed Chessa and climbed into the shower after stripping my clothes. My brain was a complete fog as I let the water seep into my bones. Flashes of myself tied to the bed while Roxy and Misty worked me over drifted in and out of my thoughts as Paul sat and watched. Then they had worked Paul up into a frenzy as I watched, unable to move since I was still tied to the bed. When we were both ready to explode, they’d untied me and I’d straddled Paul, pulled the condom down his length and joined our bodies again.

  How could something that felt so good also feel so wrong? How was I going to explain that to Paul? Ugh. I rinsed the soap off my body and got out of the shower. Wrapping the robe around me and towel around my head, I stared at myself in the mirror. I had bags under my eyes and remnants of mascara on my bags. I was a hot mess. Pulling the towel from my head and the robe from my body, I climbed into bed.

  My dreams were filled with beautiful men and women, some naked, some not. I felt like I was on a carousel as different scenes played out before me. I began to recognize the faces of the people around me. Roxy and Misty, Annie, Delaney and Smith while Paul and James stood next to each other. Both of them had a hand stretched out toward me as the carousel began to spin faster and faster. How did one choose when the love I had for each of them was so different? Paul had been the first to make my heart truly pitter-patter, I’d given him my virginity and then he broke my heart. James, he owned my heart and locked it up tight, but not before he broke it, too.

  When I woke, it was just after four p.m. I’d slept long enough that I should’ve felt rested, but I didn’t. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and sleep for days. My mind was filled with way too many emotions. The anniversary of that horrible night was fast approaching. I sucked the sentiments down, that tried to take over, and forced my thoughts to dwell elsewhere.

  I wandered downstairs and made myself some coffee. While it brewed, I searched around for my iPod and still couldn’t find it. I sorted my mail and discarded the junk mail before opening my student loan statement. Sighing, I put the statement back in the envelope. I needed to start paying more on them. I didn’t feel like I was making any headway on it and felt like the debt was going to swallow me whole. Grabbing my coffee, I headed upstairs to get dressed.

  I pulled into Paul’s driveway and took a deep breath. The flashes from the night before were dancing circles in my head as I tried to push them aside. A shudder ran through me, a good one. I was a dirty whore. I climbed out of my car and headed to his front door. Knocking, he opened it a few seconds later and held the door wide for me. His place was laid out similar to mine. He had music playing and candles lit. He had that huge grin plastered on his face, but he was nervous. I was nervous, too.

  I set my purse down on the couch, unsure of what to say or what to do. He moseyed to the kitchen and pulled something out of the oven. It smelled delicious. Paul could cook! That pleasantly surprised me.

  “I hope you’re hungry.” He smiled at me and I slowly headed his way.

  “Starving.”

  “Good. Hope you like pasta.”

  I looked over to the pans littering the stove to find bread, salad and a pan full of pasta that was smothered in cheese. “Love it. You didn’t have to go to all this trouble.”

  Smirking, �
�Yes, yes I did.” I smiled back and took the plates from him and set them up on my side of the counter. “Sorry I don’t have a table yet.”

  “No worries.” His place was lacking some furnishings, but it wasn’t barren by any means.

  He offered me some wine, which I refused, and took water instead. Drinking probably wasn’t a good idea, for many reasons. We sat in silence as we started to eat. I couldn’t take it anymore.

  “Paul, I’m really sorry about last night. I don’t know what came over me.”

  Setting his fork down, he placed his hand on mine. “You’re shaking. Cassidy, I’m the one who should apologize. Shit.” He seemed lost for words and who could blame him.

  Struggling to look at him, “I can’t imagine what you think of me. I’ve never done anything like that in my life.” His eyes skimmed over my face as one side of his mouth turned up. “What? Stop that.”

  “Stop what?”

  “Undressing me with your eyes.” I abruptly stood up and began pacing. “I acted like a wanton hussy.”

  “Woah, woah, woah. Hang on.” He leapt off his own barstool and stood in front of me. “You are not a hussy. What happened was unexpected and hot.” He winked at me and I covered my face with my hands. “And it never has to happen again.”

  What? Did I want it to happen again? Hell if I knew. “It wasn’t how I expected things to be with us.” I sighed, “Shit, I never expected us to be again.”

  “Cassidy, Misty assured me that they wouldn’t tell anyone what happened. Well, maybe it was Roxy. I don’t know. But whatever. I don’t want last night to ruin things for us.” His hands were on my shoulders and I felt so lost.

  “I’m so confused, Paul.” I recognized the song that came on and was immediately taken back to that summer.

  ~ PAUL ~

  Cal had gone to a buddy’s party and I had contrived that I wasn’t feeling good. Cal and Cassidy’s dad, Dave, had gone to dinner with his girlfriend. Cassidy and I had a few hours to ourselves. She’d told them she had plans with a friend, but was hiding out in the barn until they both left.

  I was sitting in the living room, ready to go find her when she burst back through the back door. Standing, I strolled to the back of the house and she met me half way. She jumped in my arms as I twirled her around. A few hours alone, we were so excited and had been looking forward to it all day.

  She turned the stereo on and put a mixed CD in to play and turned it up. She’d made the compilation a couple days earlier and we listened to it when we could. Wherever You Will Go by The Calling started playing. She pulled a frozen pizza out of the freezer and turned the oven on. I pulled her away from her task as we danced around the kitchen.

  “I’ve been waiting for this all day!”

  She looked up to me and smiled that brilliant smile. “Let’s run away together.” She was teasing, but part of me wanted to.

  “Anything you want.”

  Laughing, she retorted, “Don’t tease me, Paul. You can’t just leave the service.” She kissed me before saying, “I’m not going anywhere.”

  I squeezed her tightly and wished that I could just leave the service. I loved what I did, but she was beginning to mean more to me than any other thing in the world could ever mean. I’d heard guys talk about this. I was falling for her. No question about it.

  “It’s our song.” She closed her eyes and dropped her head to my chest. I pulled her close as she wrapped her arms loosely around my waist. We held on to each other as I gently moved us to the song. How I wished I could turn back time. All I wanted was to make her mine, just like the song stated.

  That song ended and another began as she looked to me, “Is this the CD I made…”

  “Yes.”

  Her mouth hung open for a moment before she stated, with a hint of shock in her voice, “I can’t believe you kept it.”

  “Of course I kept it.” She smiled at me before laying her head on my chest again. “Cassidy…” I didn’t know what to say. The words stuck in my throat. I knew what I wanted to say, but she was fighting a battle with herself that I had to let her fight.

  “Yes?”

  “Nothing. Just know that I am truly sorry about how things went down last night, but I want to move forward. I don’t want one night to wreck things for us.”

  Her eyes left mine as she gazed at my shirt. “I know. Let’s finish dinner and just see where we end up.”

  We were on the couch some time later, watching a movie. There was a pretty intense love scene playing out on my TV as we sat and watched, her curled into my side. I didn’t make a move on her, though I wanted to. When the movie was over, she sat up and I could tell she was still uncomfortable.

  “Paul, I think I should go.”

  Sighing, “Is there anything I can do or say to change your mind?” I rubbed my hands over my face before leaning on my knees while I waited for her answer. She searched my face and then hung her head while she stared at her own hands.

  Barely above a whisper, she confessed, “I care about you so much. You were the last thing I expected to walk back into my life.”

  I waited for her to go on and when she didn’t I grumbled, “But?” She lifted her tear filled eyes back to mine, “What do you want, Cassidy?” I didn’t dare ask ‘who’ because I was terrified that it wouldn’t be me.

  “I think I need time and space. We jumped in head first way too fast. My divorce won’t even be final until November.” She stood up abruptly and I joined her. “I’m so sorry.”

  I was paralyzed and didn’t know what to do or say. I was losing her all over again, but this time by her choice and not mine. “Cassidy.” She turned to me and I closed the distance between us and wrapped her in my arms. She didn’t fight the hug, in fact she may have squeezed me as hard as I did her.

  “I really am sorry, Paul. I understand if you hate me.”

  “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. I don’t think I ever stopped loving you.”

  She jerked her head up at my words, her baby blues branding my soul. Her hands held my face as she pulled my lips to hers. My heart was on the line and didn’t know whether to jump the line or run from it. She’d just told me she needed space, hadn’t she? I didn’t care. I was going to take the kiss as far as she’d let me.

  Our tongues became tangled, competing for power. I couldn’t pull her close enough and I vaguely recall that her shirt hit the floor before her fingers dug into my scalp. “I’m not going to stop unless you tell me to.” We were both panting as I trailed my teeth along her neck. If it was a goodbye fuck she wanted, I was going to do it right. When she walked away from me—if she walked away—it would be with trembling legs in a passion induced coma.

  Her hands pushed at me as she backed away from me. “Wait.” She was shaking her head, “I can’t, we can’t do this.” She bent over, picking up her shirt and put it back on. “This isn’t right.”

  I slumped against the wall, my raging hard-on quickly shrinking. Staring at the floor, I watched as her feet moved toward me. Her hands reached for me and I pushed them away as my eyes found hers. “Please don’t.”

  She took a step back and nodded her head as if understanding. “I’m sorry, Paul.”

  “I am, too.” She turned toward the door and as her hand turned the knob I reminded her, “Anything you want. Is he willing to do that?”

  She froze for a moment before opening the door and then walked out, leaving it open. Pushing myself off the wall, I walked to the door and slammed it shut, but not before confirming her security detail was still there. He was.

  Feeling sorry for myself, I grabbed a beer and plopped on the couch as I scanned the channels. I wanted her more than she wanted me. I knew that I had waited too long and pondered what I would’ve done differently. I woke up on the couch a few hours later and hauled my sorry ass up to bed.

  The next week came and went without a word from her. I knew she was dealing with a lot and I debated about reaching out to her. Deciding against it was one
of the hardest things I’d ever done. She knew I wanted her and there wasn’t much else I could do to prove it. She asked for space and I had to give it to her. I focused on work because that was all I had.

  Chapter 8 ~ Broken

  ~ CASSIDY ~

  I pulled out of his driveway and headed home. Once I pulled in the driveway I broke down. It would’ve been so easy to stay with him and let our bodies take over. I was attracted to him, there was no question there, but he wanted more than I could offer him. I was married to the only man I wanted, but my husband didn’t want to be married to me. I started sobbing as another memory bombarded me.

  I found myself in the barn, up in the hayloft. Collapsing on a pile of hay, I grabbed the blanket that Paul and I had left there and pulled it to me. His scent, though faded, still lingered there. The hayloft became an easy hiding spot for us on the cooler nights. I wasn’t ready for him to leave. I knew he had to go, but I thought I had more time with him.

  “Cassidy?”

  “Paul!”

  “No, Cal. Are you ok?”

  I pulled myself up and wiped my tears away, unable to make eye contact. Cal sat down next to me and wrapped his arm around my back, cupping my shoulder. Shaking me gently when I resisted him, he pulled me to him. Burying my face in my hands, I was aware of my brother rubbing my back.

  “I know it’s hard here without me. I’ll miss you, too, but everything will be fine. I’ll be home again before you know it.”

  “I know, I just…”

  “What’s going on with you? You’ve never taken it this hard.” I felt my eyes bug out and the flush spread across my face. Cal always knew when I was hiding something. “Why did you think I was Paul? I swear to God if he’s put a hand on you.”

  “NO! No, everything is fine. There’s nothing going on with Paul.”