Zombie River Run

by Javan Bonds

  He could’ve been a bank robber, it wouldn’t mean anything anymore. Well, he’d still be a criminal and I don’t think I’d trust him with much, but he wouldn’t have any money from the heist.

  I was jumping to conclusions. “He’s a thief and a child molester?”

  He chortled. “That’s a little hasty. Like I said, he might not even be the guy Martin heard about. And there’s no reason to suspect he had anything to do with the kidnapping. Why do you think that?”

  Oh, because it just seems like something the fucked-up bastard that is The Screenwriter would put into play.

  “No reason.”

  My brother came onto the deck to join in the conversation. “So has Benji made any flyovers?”

  My father answered. “Yeah. He’s actually picked up a few survivors. Unless they’re hiding underground, there don’t seem to be a lot of zombies left.”

  Does that mean they are dying off? Maybe they are migrating north. It would be great if we could one day soon repopulate areas besides just islands. Maybe I could just move somewhere far away. The revenants are apparently only following me.

  “Anyway, how are things on that end?” He added.

  Oh, just peachy! I’ve been almost killed more than once and I’ve eaten nothing but fish since I left the island. God, I miss TEOTWAWKI restaurant. Easy cut in before I could start complaining.

  “Everything’s okay here. We’ve been running into fewer and fewer of them the further we go south.” Says the man who doesn’t have to go into nearly every fucking dam on the river! He made sure to tack on, “Well, at least on the trips Mo doesn’t go on.”

  The other end of the radio signaled the conversation was drawing to a close. “Well, your mama got Ruby Sparks on DVD. I guess we’re about to go watch it.”

  Thanks Daddy, just brush off your children that you are almost guaranteed to never see again to go watch some stupid romantic comedy.

  Mr. Easy Clean spoke before I could. “Tell Mama I love her!” You know, I might have been about to say the same thing.

  “Will do. Gray Fox over and OUT.”

  11

  Mo Journal Entry 3

  BEFORE THE GRUELING task of passing through the dam in whatever city we were in, the crew noticed a Piggly Wiggly right off the shoreline that didn’t appear ransacked. I had absolutely no idea where we were. Well, I knew we hadn't crossed the state border from Alabama into Mississippi. I am aware I could have just looked at some of the damn road signs to get at least a general location, but that would require a minuscule amount of observance. I’m going to stumble around like a clueless moron before I do something like take the time to pay attention to my surroundings.

  We decided this would be as good a place as any to pick up some luxury food items. Some would call our liberation of consumer goods “thievery,” but I choose to think of our raids as recapturing materials that would otherwise go to waste. My justification would be easily knocked down. But if the owners of this particular grocery store were to find me years down the road and demand payment of paper currency that isn’t worth anything more than toilet paper, I’ll be sure to scrounge up whatever cash I still have.

  It was expected, so the plan was set to go scavenge the grocery store. Before the call to draw straws, Smokes was nearly jumping up and down and shouting, “Pick me, pick me!”

  I gave him the thumbs up and decided I would go, if the Oracle was excited about going into an abandoned building, I figured no main protagonists would meet their demise today. Plus, I was hoping that appearing to show courage and take initiative might get me some leeway the next time I drew a short straw to go open a fucking dam.

  Apparently, three are required for these shopping sprees. My brother chimed in, “I’m going too.” I almost shed a tear at the thought Easy wanted to protect me. He continued with the reason I should have been expecting. “I gotta see if they have any protein bars in there, all we have are fiber bars.” He cocked a preposterous eyebrow at all the female shipmates.

  My baldheaded brother then looked at me with a raised eyebrow. “Even though you’re going, I’m okay with it. But only because he’s going” he gestured to The Oracle. Easy must have been assuming that because Smokes was hungry, this would be a cakewalk. Boy, was he dead wrong.

  I’ve never understood why ladies always have a stockpile of those damn fiber bars. Do they have that much of a problem dropping the kids off at the pool? I don’t think I have IBS or anything, but I can eat a handful of raisins on the main deck and will barely be able to sprint down to the toilet without shitting my pants! The female peevies sure as hell don’t have a problem letting loose with their brown geysers, maybe human flesh loosens up some of their plumbing. Not that I would encourage the fairer sex to become cannibals, just saying that maybe there’s something to raw meat.

  ☠☠☠

  Standing in a nearly empty parking lot I was wondering why The Oracle never wore armor. Here I was in my Cylon armor alongside a testosterone driven Ironman with his comically monstrous Thunder Hammer over his back. I guess he is just too massive to wear pretty much any of Gene’s superhero costumes and the Juggernaut suit is pretty much pointless with no protection for the arms.

  The Oracle urged us into a seemingly unmolested building. I think my brother used one finger to separate the sliding doors. “Mon mufuckas! Dey gots to be Watamelon Kool-Aid in da Pig!”

  As we entered I thankfully only detected a faint musky smell coming from the rear of the building. This was where the fresh meat would have been located before the collapse of society. It had been so long after May Day, there would be no rotten meat to offend our nostrils.

  Any dogs or coyotes would have thought they had gone to dog heaven if they had found this place. The doors had remained sealed at least from large animals until we entered, so it appears only bugs, bacteria, and rodents could have eaten away at the fresh meat.

  Perhaps peevies or something even more evil and alien to this world like cats had not been the ones to feast on this bounty. It was only a wish that man’s best friend had gotten some small benefit from our downfall. I doubted all dogs went to heaven when the world ended. Those that did survive the first days had to eke out an existence rife with suffering.

  We made our way back to the snack aisle where we would find products like Kool-Aid and chips. I know we would need to grab non-perishables, but after forgetting what nearly everything tastes like besides fish just drives one to find really sugary and really salty foods.

  I don’t remember him pushing it before now, but The Oracle began dumping every single shelf of Kool-Aid packs into a buggy. “Sharkleberry? That doesn’t exist! They quit making that stuff in the 90s!” I was seriously upset I had missed the re-release of the best flavor of Kool-Aid ever.

  Now that I think about it, maybe there was no re-release. Smokes could have simply just wished it into being as we came into the store. Maybe he should try that with some flavors of Doritos. I can’t believe there’s no Tacos at Midnight yet!

  After a few hundred pounds of the mix had been added to our cart, The Oracle eyed the next product down the line: a box of Tabasco Cheez-Its. He looked to the point of either passing out or bursting into tears. Immediately, he began ripping the bag open and downing handfuls. It was impossible to understand his elated babbling around the mouthfuls of yellowish orange. Crumbs that weren't sticking to his nose, lips, and chin spilled down the front of his shirt.

  This one instance let me know that the zombie prophet and I could be lifelong friends. If he had picked up a box of Cheese Nips or something equally disgusting, I don’t believe we could ever speak again. I would have to sever all ties with him as a person I could no longer trust.

  There are several ways to tell what kind of person you are talking to; what kind of shoes they wear, and what kind of alcohol they drink, if they have tattoos. Ink can tell you a lot about someone.

  There is at least one more easy way to understand a person:
their cheese cracker of choice. There are mainly two types of these treats, Cheez-its and Cheese Nips. Everyone likes one and despises the other. “Zits” are independent thinking, loyal, understanding, and moral people who stand for what they believe in. I have a moral compass, love the free market and capitalism; it goes without saying that I’m a Zit. On the other side of the cheese cracker fence are “Nips”. These horrible people are almost always Democrats. I imagine these crackers were handed out freely at Bernie Sanders rallies.

  This choice by The Oracle re-cemented our friendship and I knew I could count on Smokes until the end. As he basically swallowed the damn crackers whole, I could do nothing but smile and tentatively reach my hand over to get a handful for myself.

  Easy looked at me disapprovingly. “You know, those things are bad for you.”

  “I think that our constant diet of fish makes up for it.”

  My brother grinned, shrugged, and reached for his own box of glorious processed food. I laughed and pointed to Smokes, in his own snack cracker paradise. “Do you really think he cares? He hasn’t had a Big Mac in so long, I’m surprised he hasn’t had a breakdown and killed every one of us.”

  My large companion drove himself to a Tabasco flavored heart attack. Walking over to a nearby shelf, I opened a half gallon jar of pickled eggs. I twisted the lid off letting it clang to the floor and shoved a whole egg into my mouth.

  Smokes gagged when he caught wind of the smell. “Da fuck wrong wit you, cracka?”

  I will admit it does smell like ripe ass. I shrugged, “Yeah I know, it smells like the bathroom when you leave. Maybe a puddle of peevie poop.”

  He was momentarily offended. “I’m talkin’ bout how you stand dem thangs. Dat shit’s nasty!”

  I was genuinely surprised The Oracle wasn’t a fan of every single foodstuff known to man. “You don’t like pickled eggs?”

  “Shit, white bread, I ain’t puttin’ no rotten eggs in my mouf! Dey’s summin’ wrong wit you.”

  “Don’t judge me because I like good food!” I would never demean someone just because of the food they eat. I moved closer until I was only feet away from The Oracle and violently thrust the open jar in his direction. “You sure you don’t wanna have one?”

  He jumped back, obviously afraid to get any of the sloshed vinegar on him. “I kill you!” He continued screaming and devouring snack crackers as he pedaled backwards.

  We continued our joking argument and paid no attention to the fact that my brother was nowhere to be seen. After Smokes emptied several boxes of Cheez-Its and loaded up on cookies and other things he would send himself into a diabetic coma with, we began making our way to the next aisle. We met Easy at the end cap, his suit of armor scratched and smeared with blood. Even though I was unable to see his face, I could tell he was breathing hard.

  I seem to commonly forget anyone is with me besides my loudest compatriot.

  I joked, “Nice to see you made it.” I grew serious as I looked him over. “What the hell happened to you?”

  He choked out, “Vinegar.”

  “Oh, shit!” I completely forgot that would be one of very few things that would draw peevies out. At the beginning, Gene baited one of the things into the sunlight with a vinegar-based solution; it’s not shocking they would come into one of their hated warehouse type buildings for it.

  I raised my rifle as my doubled over brother looked up and waved his arm to tell me we were no longer in danger. Well, at least I don’t have to deal with anything.

  He stood to his full height and leaned against the display. “Why?”

  I cowered at my massive sibling’s accusatory finger. “I forgot!” Inconveniently, I chose this late moment to bend over, pick up the lid that had conveniently rolled to the end cap and close the dam jar. “So what happened?”

  “You two started arguing about fucking eggs and I went to the next aisle to find some protein bars. Not long after I bit into an almond fudge brownie bar, I smelled something like someone took a giant shit. It was your damn eggs! Apparently I wasn’t the only one that smelled it.”

  “I heard bare feet on the floor, basically running to find something. I didn’t know at the time the vinegar smell was you and decided to quietly get over and alert both of you. I came out of the aisle and the fuckers saw me.”

  “The leader let out a growl and as I turned, it spread its arms as if to say ‘Come get some!’”

  “I made sure my helmet was on securely and reached over my shoulder to draw my Thunder Hammer. Gripping the shaft with both hands I threw my head back.”

  Easy began weaving an epic tale that only he could tell.

  ☠☠☠

  “Easy spun the huge mallet around, letting the side lined with tiny razors face his enemy. He began charging at the same time as his blue opponents began their run. The six creatures clashed with the bodybuilder brother of The Hero at about the halfway point. Throwing unbelievable force into his strike he hit three of the monsters and left at least two down for the count. The hammer swing had crushed hips, ribs, and nearly eviscerated one of the cannibals.”

  “He simultaneously twisted his weapon so that the blunt side was at the ready. Turning on his heels, Easy flattened the skull of his crawling enemy.”

  “As he turned to face the remaining nudists, all three tackled him as one. As one sat on his shoulders, trying uselessly to bite through his steel plated helmet, another former human was wrapped around his leg, breaking its teeth and fingernails on his protected thigh. The smartest of the three was standing to his side and pushing, trying to knock Iron Man over. Really, how smart can you be if you are going to attack Tony Stark on steroids?”

  “He clapped his knees together, snapping the forearms of the leg humper. Easy threw his plated boot into the chin of the recoiled animal, sending it unconscious to the floor in a heap of shattered bones.”

  ☠☠☠

  “You’re full of shit. Did you watch The Matrix or The Phantom Menace with Gene?” He shook off my insult with a raised hand and continued his superhero tale to the both of our gaping mouths.

  ☠☠☠

  “Easy immediately reached over his head to lock arms in front of the chest of the peevie above him. The plated arms bent the creature over until the back of its head touched the metal shoulder blades. Intentionally, he tipped onto his back, ruining the monster’s upper body. A few garbled yelps could be heard as the facial structure came apart. Not sure if the creature was conscious or even alive, he slammed his metal elbow into its unmoving head, mashing the destroyed cranium with the floor underneath. Brains violently squirted out the ears and a small farting noise was expelled as the eyeballs pancaked against the linoleum.”

  “Raising up, quickly standing to face his final attacker he twisted and pulled the cover off the hammer shaft to reveal a wicked looking sword blade, another group of four more naked, rabid, murderous apes rounded the corner to join their comrade and help even the odds. Easy was wearing armor, but tooth and nail would overcome steel given enough time.”

  “Something that looked like a blue Smokes hurled itself at Easy knocking him back onto the peevie goo behind him.”

  ☠☠☠

  “Wait! You knew it wasn’t Smokes because it had a bigger penis, right?” I glanced out of the corner of my eye to see what Smokes reaction would be.

  “Man, fuck you wit a two by four, white bread.” I smiled and my brother just continued, ignoring the commentary.

  ☠☠☠

  “He slipped in the gore when he tried to lever himself on an elbow, sliding back into the slosh of remains. His uneasy rider continued the intimate embrace, pressing unclothed testicles and grinding its shit covered body against the armor. Easy forced out a muted growl, confident his companions would not hear due to their loud jabbering and his full faced helmet.”

  “Easy drew one arm back and stiff armed the infected in the gut. This sent a flow of partially digested chunks of raw meat covered
in bile all over his torso. Then, he forced the animated corpse off of him and slammed his giant mallet into the thing’s back, breaking its spine and surely rupturing organs.”

  ☠☠☠

  "You punched it in the stomach? That's a little close to its junk if you ask me."

  Easy stopped to respond and looked at me angrily. "What the fuck is this, Mystery Science Theater? Shut your damn mouth and listen!"

  "Are you almost to the end? I'm getting bored." He responded with silence and a scary finger point. I didn't speak again and lowered my head as he continued.

  ☠☠☠

  “His now unsheathed blade zinged through the air to slice one of the charging undead nearly in half at the waist, its spine and a few tendons being the only things keeping its upper body attached. Organs spilled out as it flailed and collapsed to its side before the lower half finally toppled over.”

  “Two came at him from different angles on his front while the apparent smart one lunged at his back. His blade whistled through the two at the front just as he toppled over forward.”

  ☠☠☠

  "Smart ones? Like in Slow Burn?"

  "What the hell are you talking about dumbass?"

  He had not delved into the library The Oracle had given me and had no clue. I gestured for the wheels to keep spinning. "Never mind, continue."

  ☠☠☠

  “He fell past the two that he had eviscerated and the leader pushed itself off of the armored bodybuilder. The smart one was confident it had just gotten a meal. Apparently, "smart" doesn't imply the intelligence to understand you are battling with a fucking superhero! Grinding it in shit covered penis is not going to get you a meal. Oh, and Iron Man has a fucking sword. Not very smart.”

  “The yellow-eyed beast smiled, about to devour its prey. It didn’t know that it wasn’t getting a meal unless it could bite through metal. Easy jumped up to face the thing and readied his sword. It charged him, unaware the pointy stick was dangerous. The bodybuilder thrust his sword arm out right as the screaming devil came within reach.”