Zombie River Run

by Javan Bonds

  Well shit, I say that I don’t like talking in the journal where I endlessly rant about things unimportant. I guess I can cut myself some slack, writing isn’t talking. I never said I don’t like thinking or recording my thoughts, I do that all the time. I just enjoy my silence. Now, get off my lawn!

  ☠☠☠

  Festus described his life since everything went to shit and he talked about wanting to join the Forever Young with the Cora. When the crew discovered he could not captain a waterborne ship, it was decided that Sanjay would accompany him to his vessel.

  I didn’t know how well that would work out, a geriatric and a minority with a thick accent. Well, it could be worse; he could have been partnered with Smokes!

  ☠☠☠

  “We’re good to go.” the Phantom on the Forever Young called over the two-way. Our sailing ship used the engine, which Gene had graciously converted to solar power, to do a U-turn and lazily maneuver out of the port. Festus and Sanjay were not far behind on their own yacht.

  We didn’t head out last night as planned; Sanjay spent most of the evening and this morning giving the clueless senior instructions on navigating the waterways. It’s not really a big loss, only one night and a few thousand more to go before we get to Columbus. Easy looked over the map several times and decided there was no way to get anywhere close to Tuscaloosa without driving.

  Yeah, the river snakes technically closer to the city at certain points, but a highway runs basically straight from Columbus, Mississippi to Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Other ports might be closer as the crow flies, but this would be a safer path that required less road mileage than most.

  I still think this whole adventure to get a useless football trophy is beyond pointless, but it’s no skin off my teeth. Besides, if I didn’t agree to take my massive brother to fulfill his idiot goal, I would have been stuck in Guntersville. I couldn’t have convinced Aka to travel thousands of miles with her protector. Plus, I would surely have “accidently” walk in on her as she SHOWERED.

  Interlude

  IT WAS ALMOST time for my nightly radio chat with my father. Walking to the stairs from just taking a steaming shit I met The Tech walking below deck. I stopped with my arms at my sides as he met me in the hall.

  I was expecting him to slightly bow as he passed or give me his usual Jedi greeting. He unexpectedly stopped and looked at me. “Wrex.”

  I knew what he was doing. I had seen the YouTube videos of the comical greeting scene between the Krogan and human protagonists from Mass Effect on the Normandy. There are these videos where the two repeat their names as a greeting and a farewell over and over. Yes, I know I’m a geek, don’t rub it in.

  I tried not to smile as I returned with a pathetic attempt at an impersonation of a giant alien lizard. “Shepard.”

  It just happened. I just came out of the closet as a secret geek to the only other person on board that would have a clue what I had just referenced. We both realized at the same moment what had just occurred. A devilish grin broke across his face and I could see he was about to point and laugh before running upstairs to tell the others I secretly wished my girlfriend was blue. Holy shit, I just now realized that both Mass Effect’s Asari and peevies share that skin color. Okay, it is a different tone, but still. And yeah, it kind of would be cool if she were blue and had those hair folds.

  My head swiveled to him as quickly as that of a Geth. Our eyes locked. I knew he knew and he knew that I knew he knew. My photoreceptors were pleading with him not to say anything to anyone, to keep my dark secret quiet. Our Force auras must have been communicating. The broad smile faded, leaving only a hint of a smirk as he nodded in agreement to keep it on the down low.

  He then turned walking on down the hall, probably going to make sure his Warhammer figurines remained untouched. I swear I could hear a voice whisper through the invisible Force. “Your secret’s safe with me, my fellow nerd.”

  Slowly turning to make my way upstairs I thought; well, now I know I never need to piss off this particular geek. I’m sure he’s going to save threatening me with letting this secret out when he wants a Back to the Future skateboard.

  ☠☠☠

  As I made my way across the deck the setting sun was almost blinding as it reflected off of the river. Stumbling due to the temporary blindness I approached the table to find most of the crew already involved in a family chat. Thanks for waiting on me, guys! Can you feel the love?

  I heard my dad over the radio as I drew closer. “And Doctor George? Brother Brown’s wife is a nurse practitioner. She started helping out at the clinic and people seem pretty happy. I guess she can be The Medicine Man for now.” He didn’t sound pleased as he said this. The fact that The Oracle remained stone faced didn’t make it sit well with me.

  The cardiologist smiled and said something I didn’t catch when Gene emerged from below deck. He came to the table at an asthmatic sprint and huffed. “How’s Hunter?” I knew he had been thinking of the boy he had adopted since the death of Georgia.

  My dad came back. “He’s doing really well. Debbie has him talking now. Only tells jokes from Laffy Taffy wrappers.” He groaned. “But at least it’s something.”

  I knew where Hunter got this trait. My mother has always loved Laffy Taffy jokes. She must be saving the Bazooka Joe lines for a rainy day. I’m sure that will get the boy to come out of his shell. Jokes that are not the slightest bit funny to anyone above the age of six, and she can barely tell them without breaking into uncontrollable fits of laughter. Seriously, she is doubled over and barely retaining consciousness when she tells you what kind of birds stick together. “Velcrows!”

  I guess it really is an improvement. The boy didn’t speak after the death of his father, Daniel. When Georgia, his mother, was murdered by The Betrayer, in my third journal, the young boy completely closed himself off from any sort of interaction with anyone. He may only be quoting retarded lines from candy wrappers, but it’s a big leap.

  The Tech almost thanked my dad. “That’s great! Can he tell me one?”

  My dad clicked his tongue. “I’m sure he would. He’s out with Mama feeding the chickens.”

  My eyes grew wide. “What?”

  “I said he’s with Debbie.”

  “No you didn’t. I heard what you said.” Daddy is only supposed to call my mother Mama when she’s doing something with one of her children. She’s my mama, not Hunter’s! He made a noncommittal noise and I just let it go. I knew I would never get him to admit what I knew he said.

  I changed subjects. “So what about the girl that went missing? Anything yet?”

  “No. No bodies in the water, no sign.”

  Damn Daddy, morbid much?

  “And another girl went missing yesterday. No trace, blonde just like the other one.” He grew disgusted. “And Brother Brown has pretty much accused us of being at fault for it.”

  I was confused. “Us?”

  “Me and your mama.”

  I cocked an eyebrow. “But... He thinks you are the kidnappers?”

  He chuckled through his derision. “I doubt he thinks it. Of course we’re not, but he is indirectly pointing at us.”

  I knew Mama wasn’t around, so I could get by with a four letter word. “What the hell for?”

  “I think he’s trying to get people on his side and off ours. He must be positioning himself to make a power-play.”

  “You mean this guy is going to stage a coup?” It was hard to believe people would turn on the guy that pretty much got the island up and running. Actually, never mind. I’m the guy that got that ball rolling. I know somebody would find it easy to assassinate me, but Randy Collins made Guntersville better on top of everything I did. And I didn’t do a lot, really.

  He exhaled. “It won’t be too hard, the way he has everybody wrapped around his finger.”

  Smokes glanced back at the Forever Young to our rear, still visible in the fading daylight and then looked at me. “We gots
to git, dawg.”

  I put my hands on my hips, pissed at myself. I forgot to even mention the ship following us. Oh well, I’m sure he didn’t have anything to tell us, either.

  I took the radio from my brother and spoke. “Well Daddy, we’re gonna have to get out of this port. We’ll talk later.

  The entire crew called their farewells. My father signed off. “Roger. Gray Fox. Over and OUT.”

  ☠☠☠

  14

  Mo Journal Entry 5

  “MO!” A FEW seconds went by before the same voice shouted at me again. “Mo!”

  “What the hell do you want, Gene?” I yelled back at the nerd screaming through my door. I got out of bed where a barely clothed female lay beside me and made my way to the door.

  “The Forever Young is under attack!”

  I was still rubbing my eyes. “By people?”

  “What the kriff? No, by frakking peevies on a boat. Of course by people!”

  I was dazed and confused from being so rudely awaken. “On a boat?... Like pirates?... But we are pirates.”

  He was frazzled. “And we’re being attacked by pirates!”

  Well, shit. That probably wasn’t good. I could hear small pops from beyond the ship. “I’m guessing they have guns.”

  The Tech face palmed. “No poodoo! Sanjay has been communicating with Kumar over the walkie-talkie. He eliminated one enemy before a firefight broke out on the Forever Young.”

  I didn’t know geeks could be insulting. For a second, I thought about just pushing him back and slamming the door in his face. That wouldn’t really help; he would still be banging on the door. If I tried to ignore him, he’d probably just go get Easy. My brother would probably break the fucking door down.

  “What do they want?”

  The comic book shop owner was near the point of extending his adamantium claws. “Do you think they gave a monologue before the attack explaining how this act would lead to their world domination? Stang! They just saw a boat and did what pirates do best!”

  I swear to God, I’ve never wanted to punch anyone with glasses so badly. “So what should we do?”

  He sighed. “Well, we probably should have been having this conversation on our way above deck. The attack is kind of currently going on and the Pirates could have already sunk the ship by now!”

  One more time I clinched my fists. I stepped back in the room to grab my boots and slide them on. We began moving in silence. I was at least thankful for that.

  ☠☠☠

  The Old Friend was at the back railing firing at the unseen attackers. Bradley was looking through a night vision scope and describing what he was seeing on the attacked vessel. Kumar Jindal, the Clone Trooper HIT, accented with blue, was crouched beside the doctor. The Phantom was acting as his spotter while The Medicine Man was sending sniper rounds at the enemy on the Forever Young. My brother and The Expert were gearing up for close combat. I guess they were going to take one of the small motorboats tied behind the Cora to attack the attackers.

  I noticed The Tech sprinting from my side to join the two on their short journey. Fuck! I’ll just stay here and keep an eye out or something.

  I yelled at Hammer. “So I don’t guess we can use the canon?” The one stink eye she gave me let me know that was a stupid question.

  “If you fire that thing, I will bust your tail when I get back.” Damn, mom.

  There was a pause in the gunfire from the two snipers up on the poop deck. I heard Sanjay Patel over the radio. “The door won’t hold them for long!”

  The very night Festus starts traveling down the river with us, our floating caravan, and his boat in particular comes under attack. Why would these pirates take this opportunity to make a move? I guess he has some shitty luck. If the Forever Young had not been behind us, it probably would have been the Cora under attack. Smokes’s mantra still rings true: “You’s always at da place you is always post to BE.”

  15

  The Protector Rises

  Prophecy from The Book of Smokes:

  THE PROTECTER IS calm, does not tend to show deep emotions, and may even appear dimwitted to some. When the need arises and other main protagonists are in jeopardy, the character will seem to transform into a lunatic berserker. The Protector will always defend those that cannot defend themselves. Will never start the fight, but always makes sure it gets finished.

  ☠☠☠

  The bass boat broke free from its ties to the Viva Ancora, turning to make its way to the Forever Young in total darkness. The Expert and The Protector readied their weapons while The Tech sat cross legged in the floor, seeking guidance from The Force.

  The attackers on the ship paid no attention to the small craft and the trolling motor was almost like using stealth mode. The protagonists knew that this incarnation of The Villain had not noticed the wooden sailing ship ahead of the Forever Young. They were coming in undetected under the cover of darkness. Surprise was a useful tool.

  ☠☠☠

  The Protector launched himself up and over the side of the yacht, landing directly behind a lone pirate. The smaller man heard Easy in his Iron Man armor clank as he landed on the wooden deck in the dark, but was unable to do anything before the giant superhero placed his gauntleted hand over his mouth. The youngest of the Collins offspring ran a curved dagger across his throat. The body went limp as an enormous amount of blood poured from the thin slice. Easy lowered the still warm corpse to rest in a heap alongside the rail. He looked around to see that there were luckily no enemies near and gestured for his comrades to join him.

  Hammer in her Metroid Prime Samus suit and Gene in the Brotherhood of Steel Paladin armor made their way up the ladder at the back of the yacht. They began sneaking, crouched behind the wall of metal and muscle. There were no other attackers on the exterior of the ship.

  With Iron Man and Samus hugging the doorframe, they opened the first door they came to. The protagonists were greeted by only jovial voices on down the hall. “... And then the old guy said ‘What do you want?’ I looked at the old fuck and said ‘Everything you fucking got, gramps!’” At least two men began chuckling like that was the funniest thing ever spoken. Before the trio of good guys could start down the hall, one could be heard walking in their direction. “Yeah, I’ll go tell Gerard to get one.”

  The armored pair froze. The Expert in her Samus armor aimed her rifle at the corner she knew the man was coming from. After only seconds, a man in dirty blue jeans and a disgusting, faded T-shirt came from around the corner, looking back at the person he was talking to.

  He had no warning of the seven 5.56 rounds that peppered him from bellybutton to Adam’s Apple. There was a quick spray of blood on the wall before he fell backward landing back behind the corner with a thud. His boots did not move. The marauder was surely dead before he hit the floor.

  “What the fuck? We’re under attack!” Came an excited voice from around the corner that the now dead man had come.

  Hammer unclipped the flap on her grenade pouch.

  Keeping her one eye down the iron sights on the corner at the other end of the hallway, she felt around for a long, skinny cylinder in the pouch. Finding what she wanted, she pulled the pin with her teeth, and tossed the flash bang toward her enemies. Even with a left handed toss she banked the grenade, like a pool pro off one wall then it hit another and rounded the corner, vanishing over the now dead pirate. Just before three eternal seconds ticked by and the explosion was heard, there was a loud whisper. “What the fuck?” Easy looked away, having heard stories from his brother, he decided he didn’t need to see the explosion.

  ☠☠☠

  Thomas peeked around the corner when he heard something smack on the floor. He spotted what he thought was a tall beer can. The beer can exploded into a giant white wall of light, pain, and deafening noise. He was in shock and unable to speak. Corey stood beside him, cocking his pistol. “What was that?” The explosion confused the others,
but Thomas had witnessed it. He turned in the direction of Corey and made a noise but all he could hear was the loud ringing in his ears. He tried to say his friends name but couldn’t even hear himself. The shock of the flash bang was so traumatizing the only thing he could do was spew projectile vomit all over his friend.

  Corey never had a strong stomach. Disgusted enough, he was unable to speak himself. Corey reciprocated by coating Thomas in his own green mash of partially digested food.

  Even though Thomas was blinded and deafened he could still smell; plus he was freaking out and sickened because he had no idea what was going on. The pirate knew that he had just lost most of the contents of his stomach and now someone was dumping stomach bile onto him. He would’ve shouted, lashed out, anything. In his debilitated state, he was only able to again throw up.

  Corey was beyond horrified; Thomas was puking for the second time all over his Chrystal Gayle T-shirt.

  “What the hell, man?” He shouted over the ringing in his ears and did the only thing he could do; push his friend back and away.

  ☠☠☠

  A stupid looking kid wearing a cowboy hat came falling backwards into the hallway from around the corner. Both protagonists leaned out from behind the sides of the doorframe and opened up on the unsuspecting target. Over a dozen rounds impacted the falling body as it fell. The dead or dying pillager hit the floor like a wet bag of sand. The hat flew off his head after the first few rounds and was perforated by more than one bullet. It landed right side up, the side of the hat facing them. In nearly a comical fashion, the cowboy hat had a noticeable hole straight through each side.