by HJ Bellus
Darkness hits me, and I’m magically swept off to dream land and State. We’re not little kids anymore, but adults kissing and catching up.
Way too soon sweet little giggles bring me from slumber. When I pry open my eyes Rowe has my phone in her little hands and laughing way too hard.
“What are you doing?”
“Look.”
She has my Snapchat app open and a picture of her as a dog with her tongue hanging out. I only have the stupid app for Rowe to play on. It entertains her for hours making silly pictures and videos to send Miss Tami. She’s my only contact in the app. I’m not sure who enjoys making ridiculous Snaps more, Miss Tami or Rowe.
My phone chirps with a text and I see Mr. Moore’s name at the top.
“He texted back.”
“Rowe.” I grab the phone from her and scroll up to my last text to him.
Mr. Moore: Sorry, had a school board meeting.
Me: Will you marry me?
Mr. Moore: Rowe?
Me: No, this is sissy.
Mr. Moore: I see.
The next picture text makes me gasp out loud and then shudder in horror. It’s of me with my head bent backwards, mouth wide open, and a clear shot of my nostrils.
Mr. Moore: LOL
Me: See it’s me.
Mr. Moore: I see.
Several more pictures of me in the same position with popcorn up my nose and balancing on my lips are sent. Mr. Moore must be laughing like a lunatic because he only comments with LOL’s.
“Why did you let her do this?” I stare at Miss Tami.
“I told her she could only do it if she spelled everything out.”
I look down at the lapsed time between texts and can tell Miss Tami had to probably spell out most of the words and it’s probably why Rowe reverted to picture texting.
The last picture is a Snap Chat pic of me with a bright yellow daisy framing my gaping piehole.
Me: This is the real Baylor. Princess Trouble Pants has been having some fun I see.
Mr. Moore: Quite entertaining that Princess is.
Me: Good Night! PS- My phone is going under lock and key.
Mr. Moore: Smart move.
Me: Moon (emoticon)
I only remain silently embarrassed for a few moments, but then busy myself tucking Princess Trouble Pants into bed. There’s no way I could be mad at Rowe. Actually, it was funny as hell and would’ve even been funnier if it wasn’t my gaping hippo mouth in the pictures, not to even mention my nose hairs.
“Baylor.”
“Rowe.” I leap on her bed and snuggle into her.
“Will you sleep with me tonight?”
“Yes.” I tap the tip of her nose. “What’s up?”
“Just a bit spooked.”
“Why? I mean you do have the coolest sister in the entire world.”
“Are you sure I’m your sister?”
“Double promise, hop scotch, with butter on top, Pop-Tart princess promise.”
“I love you, Baylor, so much.” She wraps her hand around my neck and squeezes me tight.
“You make my world perfect, Rowe.”
“Tell me one of your stories when you were little. You know the ones you tell me with your best friend?”
I generally love telling her embellished stories about State and I growing up, but tonight it squeezes my heart in all the wrong ways.
“Let me see.” I pause for a bit.
“I really love the ice cream one where he was the prince and nailed those bullies in the nuts.”
Like I said, they’re embellished a lot. I try to open my mouth to share a time at the park, but his scent hits me and his sorrowful brown eyes gut me.
“Did you love him, Sissy?” She asks out of the blue.
“I do love him, so much, Rowe.” I squeeze her tight to me.
“Let’s go on an adventure and find him. We can get cool spy glasses and take our wands.”
“What if he doesn’t want to be found?” I ask.
“That boy is going to want you and your big butt.”
I laugh hard this time at her frank honesty. I do have a big ass.
“Okay, one time we were at our favorite magical forest, set in a corner of a park on King’s street. I was boiling up a witch’s brew to give the mean kids in the class.”
“What kind?” She perks up.
“The kind that makes them grow goat horns and oink like a pig when they say mean things.”
“Ooohhh.”
“State was busy shining his armor and sketching out…”
I never bring up football in front of her. It’s an automatic trigger for her.
I begin again. “Sketching out his next enemy raid. We waited for hours in the magical land and passed the time by playing tic-tac-toe on the cement. State threw a fit when I kept winning, always claiming I was cheating. I pulled out my paper UNO cards and whipped him in another game.”
Rowe’s grip around me loosens and her little lids flutter off to dreamland. I’m thankful because every word about State hurts. I smooth down her messy hair and kiss her forehead.
“I’ll give you the world, Rowe, you deserve it and so much more.”
When I study her relaxed and sleeping features I see so much of me in her. I didn’t have a disability, but just inverted in my own self and refused to talk. We were both hurt by others with no one to fight for us until Miss Tami.
I love this girl so much it pains me. A reflection of a young Baylor stares back at me and tears leak down my face. I cry for all the lost children in the world who never had a State or Miss Tami. None of it’s fair.
Eight
3:45 and my palms are sweaty. What is wrong with me? This is my job not a damn circus show. I fight to finish up my last massage before Mr. Moore comes in. I should be excited and a bundle of nerves for him and the potential outcome, but the truth is my heart belongs to someone else.
It took me running into State to realize it. I’ve never felt whole since the day he left the orphanage. I know it wasn’t his fault and in all actuality my life was saved as well. But it was never the same without him in it. When he held me yesterday, everything melted away in his arms. I was time warped back to our childhood days in Kings. I’ve never wanted to go back there, but now it’s all I can think about.
Everything about State is bigger. His smile, his muscles, and his pull on me. When we were little he was never handsome to me because he was always just State, my best friend. But yesterday I saw the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. His body is an empire of perfectly sculpted muscles bound together with beauty.
I shake him from my thoughts and clean up my small space for my next appointment. There’s about thirty minutes to wait, so I work on an assignment. The intense assignment fades away yesterday and the thoughts of going back to work.
“Baylor.” A light knocking and my name rolling out in a deep voice catches my attention.
I readjust my “Superman” style glasses on the bridge of my nose and look up to Mr. Moore.
“I’m so sorry.” I stand running my hands down the front of my thighs. “I lost track of time.”
He points to my laptop.
“School work,” I offer.
“Good girl. Makes the principal in me happy.” He shines with a friendly smile.
The man is really nice on the eyes and is genuinely kind to me.
“I’m always juggling,” I joke and follow it up with a weak laugh.
“Living the dream, I see.”
“Yeah.” I brush back my hair, feeling nervous all of a sudden. “Well, you didn’t come here for chit-chat. Let me grab you a robe and get you set up.”
“We could grab coffee if you’d prefer.”
“Oh, that’s too nice of you, but sounds like you’re need of a good massage.”
“That I am.” He grabs the robe from me and heads for the bathroom in my area.
I slap my forehead causing a loud smacking sound. Damn, could I sound like a bigger idiot? I’m so awkward and attribut
e it to my odd desire, or the lack there of, for the opposite sex. It’s easy talking to him at school with Rowe’s hand in mine and even easier texting.
When Mr. Moore appears from the bathroom in a white robe, I shake a bit. His tan skin is a great compliment to the bright white robe.
“I’m a virgin here. I left my boxers on, is that okay?”
I fumble for words before something coherent comes out. “Uh, yeah. I’ll, um, work on your back and shoulders today to ease you in.”
“Perfect.” He smiles at me like he’s sensing my nervousness.
I relax a bit when he lies face down on the table. I didn’t even realize he took off the robe before he laid down. My mind begins comparing him to State. His shoulders aren’t as broad and his muscles aren’t as well developed. Mr. Moore is packing some buns though. Holy hell!
“Do you prefer a scent?”
“I don’t think so.” His words are a bit muffled. “Am I laying right? I’ve only seen this in movies.”
“Perfect. Are you comfortable?”
“Yes.”
I queue the calming music, dim the lights, and lather my hands in a new coconut oil rub I’ve just bought and begin to lightly massage his shoulders. They’re incredibly tense and will require some deeper work in a later appointment.
“Let me know if anything hurts, okay?” I continue working my hands over his skin. “I’ll try to loosen some of these muscles.”
“Damn, that feels good.”
I blush with his compliment. It’s all really stupid, he’s just another client, and hundreds have told me the same thing.
“Excellent. Just relax and enjoy.”
I pay attention to both of his shoulders, tying my hands together down his back. I’m thankful when he stays silent the remainder of the time. It avoids all kind of weird conversation and awkward feelings brewing in me. Toward the end, I’m pretty sure I hear light snores coming from him.
I wash my hands and sanitize the area while he dresses back into his button up shirt and khakis. I have everything put up and ready to go before he exits. I texted Alley earlier this morning asking to switch shifts at bar. There’s no way in the hell my heart can handle seeing State two days in a row. I mean, it’s not like he’s going to come back for me or anything. It’s just a chance I want to avoid if, there even is one.
“There’s going to be a lot of unhappy people when you get that degree, Baylor.”
I look up from twiddling fingers to Mr. Moore dressed in all his glory.
“Thanks.” I give him a half smile. “It will be a while, trust me.”
And that’s the fucking truth, at this point I may never get my degree with my pace of classes.
“I doubt that. You seem to go after what you want.”
I laugh out loud at his last comment because he really has no idea who I am. I’ve grown up to fool the world, with the help of Miss Tami, but I’m polite back.
“Thank you,” I say.
He pulls his wallet from his back pocket and digs around in it.
“This one is on me for always taking such amazing care of Rowe.”
“Nope.” His one word reply is certain.
“Seriously, I mean it. I can never tell you how much I appreciate it.”
“It’s not a hard job at all, Baylor. I love that little girl and, honestly, every morning that she runs up to me makes my day a bit brighter.”
“She definitely has that effect.” I smile, all of a sudden missing her.
“Baylor?” He runs his hands through his sandy blond hair leaving it standing on end.
“Yeah.” I can’t make myself look him in the eyes, so I busy myself fiddling with my teal chevron messenger bag.
“Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?”
Chills run up my spine. He’s a nice guy, but I have no desire to entertain this thought. “I really don’t get much free time these days.”
“Yeah, you’re right I don’t either.” He’s defeated and I feel like an asshole.
“I’ll let you know if I ever have an opening,” I offer.
“Great. I’ll work on Rowe to see if you can get an opening.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean for it to come out that way.” I shrug hopelessly. “And you know if you tell her she’ll have our wedding planned out with matching crowns and tiaras.”
We both share a good laugh as we walk out in to the parking lot and before we part ways he grabs my hand.
“Baylor, I’m very serious about wanting to take you out.”
“Okay.” I look down at the scuffed up tip of my favorite black pair of Converse.
He brushes the hair dancing in my face back, cups my cheek, and guides me to look at him.
“I’m trying not to be too forward here, but Baylor you’re gorgeous with a huge heart, and I’d love to get to know you better.”
“You won’t like what you get to know.”
“That’s my decision, Baylor, not yours.”
“You’re not going to give up, are you?”
“Doesn’t seem like it.” He pulls his hand back since I’m staring at him. “But I’m not a creeper or stalker in any way. I’ll always respect your boundaries.”
“Okay, let me think about it, and just know it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.”
“I get it.” He takes a step back. “Give my princess a hug for me.”
“Will do.” I wave to him and then slump in my car knowing the date will never happen.
I feel as broken and shattered as I did the day State left me and I can’t control it.
Nine
“Damn the tips were on fire tonight,” I say, giving a portion of mine to the bartender and cooks. Just keeping the cycle positive and well-oiled.
“Baylor, can I talk to you?” Alley peeks from her office.
“Yep, let me finish stocking the napkins and I’ll be there.”
I know I’m not in trouble, but can’t force the fear out of my belly. Just like every time I was called to the principal’s office in grade school. I was never in trouble, but always felt like I was.
I wipe my hands on my shorts after filling the napkin dispenser and peek into her office. “Hey.”
“Have a seat Baylor?”
I take the one across from her in her sports decorated office. “Am I getting fired?”
“Hell to the no, dumbass.” She laughs hard at my question.
“Well, you’re scaring the shit out of me, Boss Woman.”
“One, if I ever fired you, Miss Tami would cut my lady nuts, and two, you’re one of my hardest and most productive workers. Three, everyone loves you here.”
“Then spill already. I’m about to stroke out here.”
Alley leans back in her chair and kicks her feet up on her desk. “Let’s get real for a second here, Baylor. I’m not going to hold back.”
I swallow hard thinking these words might be worse than actually being fired.
“You know that man that had you so shook up a few days back?”
My world spins and I want to bolt, but I’m caught in a trap, so I only nod.
“He’s been back here twice looking for you. He wants to know where you live, but see, I can’t give out that information.”
“Okay.” I clutch to the hem of my shorts, letting my fingernails dig into my flesh.
“Who is he?”
“Nobody,” I answer quickly.
“Bullshit. I’m not your boss right now. I’m your friend. The joint is closed and we are sitting here as friends.”
I shake my head side-to-side, feeling the tears well up in my eyes. “He’s nobody.”
“I could go to Miss Tami, but wanted to talk to you first. If you could look in the mirror right now you might convince yourself he’s not a nobody.”
“He’s my past.”
“How past?” She asks.
“Kings’ past. He left me.”
“The second time I had to turn him away, he was teared up just like you ar
e sitting there. He beat the shit out of guy in the parking lot. His buddy begged me not to call the cops.”
“Why did he beat someone up?” I ask.
“He’s pissed and wants to find you. His buddy said he has quite the temper that he struggles to control.”
“He does,” I admit while drifting back to all the times he protected me with his fists.
“Friendly advice from a person who has been around the block a few times. Hear him out.”
“I can’t.”
“Why?” She presses.
I blow out of my seat with my hands flying in the air and tears streaming down my face. “Because he’s my past. He WAS my best friend and we were torn apart. He has a new life and I’m not in it, nor do I belong in it.”
“That’s not your choice, Baylor. The man needs you.”
“I needed him time and time again, but he left.” I fall to my knees and wail out the hatred. Yes, hate for the way things went down between State and I. Alley wraps me in her arms, soothing down my hair, and rocking me until I’m able to drive home.
Ten
“Alley called me last night.” Miss Tami begins picking up the table.
“Nice,” I reply, trying to act cool.
“She’s worried about you.”
“It’s fine.” I grab the casserole dish helping her with dishes.
I’ve escaped the topic of State until now and it seems the time has come to spill. Miss Tami will be pissed if I don’t tell her. She loved State as much as I did, and she’ll also be disappointed in me for running from my problems. What can I say? It’s a bad habit I can’t kick.
“Want to talk?” She asks, turning on the hot water to the sink.
“No, there’s nothing to talk about. It’s a closed book.”
She bites her bottom lip, keeping in the words she really wants to say because Rowe just rushed in.
“Spoon. Spoon.” She reaches her little hand up to the Jell-O salad.
I hoist her up to the counter and scoot her back until her heels are on top. I hand her the spoon and push the nearly finished Jell-O bowl towards her. Rowe is her own dishwasher with certain dishes.
“We’re not done talking about this,” Miss Tami warns me.
