by HJ Bellus
I slam my hand on the counter and don’t miss the fact I startled Rowe. “We are.”
My voice is harsh and hurtful, and I immediately regret it. Rowe begins sobbing and I feel like an even bigger piece of shit.
“I’m sorry.” I ball my fists at my side. “I’m sorry, Rowe, I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Don’t be mean, that scares me.” She wipes the tears from under eyes.
I go to her and pull her to my chest. “I’m so sorry. That was wrong of me.”
I stare at Miss Tami while talking to Rowe.
“Let’s just finish cleaning up.” Miss Tami turns her back to us while busying herself with the dishes. “You girls put stuff away in the fridge.”
“Can you help me with that?”
She sniffles. “Yes.”
I’m thankful she doesn’t bring up the topic again, and before bathing Rowe I apologize to her and do my best job of explaining my reasoning. It’s foolish I know, but where I’m at right now.
The doorbell rings.
“I’ll get it,” Miss Tami sings out. “Delores is bringing over a new yarn for me tonight.”
I hear her open the door and greet the person into the house. Delores has a very deep and muffled voice. Miss Tami squeals loudly and I know something is off.
“I’ll be right back. Get dressed in your PJs.” I kiss the top of Rowe’s head before leaving the room.
When I round the corner, I freeze in my step with the sight before me. It’s State hugging Miss Tami with one arm and a huge bouquet in the other.
“I swear my eyes are playing tricks on me,” she squeals practically hanging from his neck.
His hearty chuckle fills the house and warms my insides. He’s here. State is really here in my house.
“Sorry, I would’ve called, but didn’t have a number.”
“You never have to call, State, you’re family. Come in.” She closes the door behind him and that’s when we lock eyes.
His smile goes on for days while his eyes bore holes in mine. His scent hits me from across the room. He’s dressed in gym shorts and a University of Florida football t-shirt with a gator chomping on a football.
“Baylor.” His deep voice hypnotizes me. “I got these for you.”
“Those are gorgeous.” Miss Tami claps her hands together. “I’ll put them in water.”
She takes them and rushes into the kitchen.
“What are you doing here?” My words are cold.
“I have to see you, Baylor.”
“No.”
“Yes.” He takes a step closer to me. “Why are you avoiding this?”
“Because you have a new life.”
He clasps his hands behind his head and grows pissed off. “Are you an idiot?”
His insult hurts and cuts deep. He’s never said a cruel word to me, but I don’t show the effect it has on me.
“I guess so if that’s what you want to call it.” I shrug. “You have a new life and world. Go live it.”
I leave out the girlfriend part, but aim loaded to throw that in his face too.
“There’s no life without you. My world has been black and white since the day we were torn apart. You color my world. You’re my second half, Baylor.”
“You never looked for me.”
“You don’t know that.” He steps in closer until his chest is pressing into me. “I looked. You didn’t.”
“You’re right, I didn’t. You’re better off without me and our past.”
“You’re wrong. I need you. You complete me.” He cups my face in his huge palm and I melt into it.
Like so many times before when I burrowed into him for protection, loyalty, and friendship.
“My lips can’t get you out of my head. I’ve felt you on me since finding each other the other day.”
I close my eyes and feel everything inside of me shatter. All my barriers begin to crumble, the walls fade away, and the buried core of me comes to life. I reach up on my tiptoes needing to feel him again.
“Kiss me, State.”
He bends down tentatively and covers my lips with his. It’s me this time who moves first kissing him back, darting my tongue out, and taking advantage of his mouth. I moan in pleasure and grow confused with my actions. All I know in this moment is that State is in my house, has me wrapped up in my arms, and is kissing the hell out of me.
We both pull away when we hear Miss Tami rushing back in to join us. State steps back and adjusts the crotch of his shorts. My eyes follow his hand and stay mesmerized on the bulge pushing through the thin material.
But we were just friends.
“Come have a seat, State.” Tami points to the couch.
“Princess Sissy,” Rowe sings out rounding the corner.
She throws her head to look up to State. He easily towers all of us girls. She scrambles to me, clutching my leg, and begins screaming in fear.
“Hey.” I bend down to her and pick her up. She’s near the point of not being able to be picked up anymore. She locks her legs around my middle and buries her head in my neck, screaming to high hell.
“Football. Bad men. Football. Hurt Rowe.”
Oh shit, the football on his shirt.
“Hey, hey, hey.” I bounce her softly and rub her back. “This is State. he’s my friend. He’s a good guy.”
“No. Football. No.”
A warm sensation flows between Rowe and me. I can hear the urine dribble down on the hardwood floor. I look up into State’s eyes and follow his vision. He stares at the urine and our coated bodies. I’m instantly reverted right back to my younger years of fear.
“Oh shit, I’ll go.” He holds his hands up with hurt in his voice.
“No.” It comes out panicked. I need him right now. “Take off your shirt, please.”
He looks at me as if I’ve lost my damn mind. “Just do it. I’ll be right back. Miss Tami will fill you in.”
I rush into the bathroom between Rowe’s room and mine, and start a tub of water.
“Rowe, you’re okay. Look up.”
She’s still sobbing and yelling out gibberish.
“Baby, look up.”
It takes her several minutes to look up from my neck. A wave of relief washes over her features, but her sobs still control her little body.
“He’s bad guy.”
I shake my head side-to-side, knowing she’s in a real panic attack with her short sentences.
“No, he’s my friend.” I comb my fingers through her hair. “He used to be my best friend when I was your age.”
“Bad guys play football.”
“No, baby. Remember bad guys can be anywhere.”
We’ve been working with her on this for some time now, but it’s her one trigger she can’t get past. I strip her wet panties and princess nightgown, and place her in the tub.
“Don’t let me go, sissy.”
“I’m right here.”
“No.” She shakes her little head in my direction.
I bend down on my knees and put both arms in the water. “Miss Tami and I will always keep you safe. Do you trust me?”
She shrugs her shaky shoulders.
“I princess promise you on top of Pop Tarts, I’ll do everything to protect you.” I run my soapy hand up her back. “Football isn’t bad, sweetie.”
“I’m scared.”
“I know, honey, I’m here.”
I soap her all up and re-wash her hair before taking her from the tub. I make a show of wrapping her up in her favorite princess towel that has a hood. I sing and hum to her while I dress her, and feel Rowe relax.
Kneeling down, I ask her. “Are you ready to meet my best friend?”
She nods her head slowly. “But hold my hand?”
“Always.”
The sound of Miss Tami and State talking fills the house. Her voice is full of excitement and love, and it makes me feel selfish for keeping him from her. She loves him just like she loves me and I was an asshole for telling him to leave
“We’re back,” I announce as we round the corner.
I look down to Rowe who has her eyes covered while peeking between two of her fingers.
“Hey,” State says, standing to his feet.
“State, I’d like to introduce you to the fairest princess of this castle. Meet Rowe.”
He walks toward us and Rowe steps back widening her fingers to look up at State. The man towers over me by a good two feet, so I can’t imagine how he looks to her.
“Doesn’t he kind of remind you of Shrek?” I ask, squeezing her hand in mine.
She nods and then giggles.
“Shrek, really Baylor? I’m offended.” He splays his palm over his bare chest.
“Hey, Shrek’s a good guy,” Rowe pipes up.
“Then Shrek is good.” He kneels before Rowe.
His broad shoulders fill our space, his romantic manly scent assaults me, and then I realize he’s shirtless. Those muscles that I thought were sculpted aren’t, because he’s damn well chiseled with little to no body fat.
“Nice to meet you, Rowe, I’m Shrek.” He holds out his hand to her.
I have to stop myself from bending down and encouraging her interaction. Miss Tami has told me over and over again that we need to push Rowe just a bit out of her comfort zone so she learns how to cope in uncomfortable situations.
I drop her hand and am shocked when she lets go so easily, but she’s quick to wrap her little arm around the back of my leg.
“Ouch. That’s pokey.” She points to my leg and places her hands in front of her.
She jumps a bit when a deep baritone laugh erupts from State. It takes her several more moments before she reaches her hand out to take his. They do the cutest little handshake. State’s hand makes her tiny one disappear into his large palm.
“I prefer secret handshakes. Want to make one up?”
She nods excitedly.
“Baylor close your eyes.” He looks up at me with a grin.
I make a huff of disapproval, but finally cover my eyes. I hear them rehearsing it and then finally nailing it.
“Where did that football man go?” She asks.
State and I both stall, not knowing which direction to look or even how to handle this. Miss Tami steps in to save us.
“Come sit on my lap, sweetie and I’ll explain it.”
Rowe rushes over to her, jumping up in her lap still unsure of everything going down. State rises up to his feet and stands by me. He clutches my pinky in his, but I don’t have the courage to look up at him yet. All I know is that it feels good. Really good.
“You know how my job used to be to help kids?”
She nods.
“I helped State when he was a little boy. He and Baylor were best friends.”
“Are they getting married?” She asks in a nervous voice.
“No, sweetie. State loves football. He loved it when he was little, like you love princesses. He’s a good guy.”
“Okay.” Her voice is so small and leery.
“Is it okay if he watches a movie with us tonight?”
“Will you and Sissy be here?”
“Always.”
“I’ll try.” She finally nods while leaping off of Tami’s lap and bounding over to me.
“You have to sit over there on the couch and my sissy and I will sit on that chair.” She points.
“Deal.” State nods, drops my pinky, and walks away.
A guttural gasp escapes me at the sight of his back. My palms slap over my mouth to cover the noise. State looks over his shoulder and winks at me. He has scars all over his back. Thick, deep, and long ones cover his skin, but those aren’t what holds my attention.
It’s six letters that are printed across the top of his back in a delicate font that contrast his beastly body. Baylor
“That’s your name,” Rowe squeals.
“That it is.”
Eleven
Rowe is passed out in my arms only a quarter of the way through Frozen.
“State can you pack her to bed and then I’ll give you and Baylor some time.”
“I got her,” I say, trying to stand up and balance her in my arms, but the motion of the rocking recliner makes it a real struggle.
State is up and on his feet in a matter of seconds, scooping her into his arms.
“She’s precious,” he says, staring down at her.
“Let me be by your side in case she stirs.”
He nods. “Lead the way.”
He lets out a light growl when I walk in front of him and it confuses me. State is gently laying Rowe in her bed and bringing her covers up to her chin. I give her a light kiss before backing out of the bedroom.
Once in the hall, I whisper thank you to him.
“Baylor, you have no idea how happy I am to be here. None.”
I don’t know how to respond, so I don’t and walk back out into the living room.
Miss Tami is standing at the door. “I’m just going to go on over to Delores’ to grab that yarn.”
“Are you sure?” I ask. “I don’t like you out after dark.”
“She lives in a good neighborhood. I’ll be fine.” She shuts the door before I have chance to talk.
State and I are left in the living room staring at each other. I know he’s a grown man now with a new life, but when I study his brown eyes, I see the friend I once knew.
“What now?” I ask, wringing my fingers. “Uno? I have real cards.”
He laughs. “You cheat.”
“Do not.” I push his chest.
“Can we talk?”
I nod and head for the couch, but State cuts me off and plops down on it dragging me into his lap.
“Just let me hold you, please.”
His last few words hitch deep in his throat and then I feel tears falling on the top of my shoulders. When I look up to him, he’s crying silently.
“Don’t.” I try to wipe the tears from his eyes.
“I can already tell you hate me, Baylor, I’d take it all back if I could.”
“I don’t hate you. It’s just that I lost you and I hate that.”
“You have no idea what I did and who I became to try to get back to you.”
“We’ll never get the past back.” I cringe saying the words because why in the hell would we want to be put back in that hellhole.
“Just let me hold you before you tell me to leave again.”
I press on his chest before he has the chance to hug me to him again. “What about your girlfriend?”
He looks confused.
“The blonde who was practically dry humping you at Alley’s?”
“I don’t have a girlfriend. Never have.”
“She was touching you.”
“She wants to be my girlfriend. She has since we were freshman.”
“Oh.”
I collapse down onto his chest and let him hold me. I fight to keep my tears back, all of them, and it’s not an easy battle. I take the time to relish in everything State. My mind floats back and forth between the boy who was my whole world, to the man who’s sitting here now.
His body has morphed into a castle of perfection, but the remnants of my best friend linger within him. He’s still gentle, still has that same dazzling smile, and he still knows me. He didn’t forget me, and that thought nails me in the gut.
“You okay?” He runs his enormous palm over my head.
I don’t look up at him and only nod into his chest.
“Still not much of a talker?”
With as much courage as I can muster, I look up at him and plant my palms on his chest. “Not since I lost my best friend.”
“I’m here.” He bites down on his bottom lip. “Don’t you see that?”
“I do.” I whisper while digging my fingertips into his smooth skin.
“Can I talk?” He hugs me closer. “I’m not sure if you even want me here, but let me talk, Baylor.”
“I want you here.”
I cringe and have to stop myself from slapping my palm over my mouth.
“Well, that’s a start.” He brushes my hair back from my face. “Look at me.”
I look back up at him and offer up a weak smile. State flashes back a panty melting one to me. My brain swims in confusion with his manly gorgeousness after so many years of passing. The man could be a damn runway model.
“Thank you.” He brushes the pad of his thumb over my jaw. “Sorry, I can’t quit touching you.”
His voice is full of pain and love, and my dumb body and soul have no idea how to comprehend it, let alone speak.
“I fought to get back to you, Baylor. I was kicked out of four schools, went through counselor after counselor, but my parents refused to give up. The more they refused, the more guilt I wore for having a caring home.”
“State, stop.” I push up from him. “You have no idea how happy I am that you had amazing loving people in your life, or at least that’s what they sound like. It’s just…” I pause thinking how to word this the right way.
“Just what?” He urges.
“I’m a jealous asshole. I wanted you in my life.”
“I’m a greedy prick then, because it makes me feel good to know that.”
A nervous giggle escapes me.
“I finally focused all my energy into football through middle and high school, and now college.”
“Shocker.” I roll my eyes.
“Haven’t had a better friend to practice with than you.”
“Whatever, you liked crushing my fingers! Damn, I wouldn’t dare catch a ball from you now.” I let my vision roam up and down the empire of muscles known as State.
“We’ll see about that.” His fingers dig into my hips making me want to melt into him. “Anyway, I was raised in Tennessee.”
“Tennessee?” I had to have heard him wrong.
“Yeah. Baylor, if I was anywhere near here, it would’ve been easier to find you.”
I find the courage to raise my hands to his face, dragging my finger tip down his harsh jawline. “We were kids.”
“We were, but Baylor no matter what happens, from here on out, please know I never forgot you. Hell, I talked to the moon every night knowing you’re possibly looking at the same one.”
“You’re weird.” I try to break up the way too intense direction our conversation is flowing.
“You’re my home. Always have been.” He closes his eyes. “The mansion I grew up in and the money that surrounded me, never even came close. Baylor, you’ve always been my home, my best friend, and you own me.”
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