More Than I Can Bear

by E. N. Joy

  “Yeah, well getting saved is one thing. Trying to stay saved is a whole other ballgame. I guess you could say you help keep me saved. And you know what, Naomi?”

  “What is it, Paige?” Naomi said, walking over to Adele’s playpen and smiling down at the child playing.

  “I would do everything all over again, mistakes and all, if it meant having the opportunity to have you in my life.”

  “Paige, dear, how sweet,” Naomi said, looking back at Paige heartfelt. “That means a lot, knowing what all you have been through. I’m just glad you were able to give your life to Christ so that He could get you through it.”

  “Amen. To God be the glory, Naomi.”

  “To God be the glory.”

  “Her heartbeat is fine. She seems to be growing well,” the doctor told Paige. “Looks to me like you have a nice healthy baby girl who in less than a couple of months will be welcomed into this world.”

  “I could have told you she was growing,” Paige said as she sat up on the examination table. “I’ve gained five pounds since my last visit.”

  “Well, I don’t know if that’s the baby growing or you.” The doctor shot Paige the eye. “I’m going to need you to slow down on the sweets. If you feel like a snack, try popcorn or fruit or something.”

  “Blah blah blah, Doc,” Paige said jokingly. “It’s easier said than done. Besides, I’m only seven and a half months pregnant. Let me enjoy these last few weeks. This is the only time when indulging in ice cream and Little Debbie snack cakes don’t make me feel guilty. Let me enjoy the moment.”

  “Yeah, well you won’t be saying that when the baby is no longer the cause for the numbers on the scale.”

  “Oh, you sure do know how to take the fun out of this whole pregnancy thing,” Paige teased again. “But I know I have to make healthier choices. I’ll try. I’m not promising you anything, but I’ll try.”

  “Good. Do you have any more questions?” Paige’s doctor asked her as she prepared to leave the room.

  “Not really concerning the pregnancy.” Paige hesitated.

  “Oh, then concerning what?” the doctor asked with concern.

  “I’ve taken a couple HIV tests now: the one when I first found out I’d been in contact with someone who tested positive, and when I went through the series of testing with this pregnancy. They both came back negative. I had my other daughter tested as well and her test came back good. Am I in the clear?”

  “I’d say you were in the clear as far as testing for contact with your . . . ex-husband was it?”

  Paige nodded.

  “Then I’d definitely say you haven’t been infected by him.”

  Paige exhaled. “Thank you, Doc. But I’m still thinking about taking just one more for good measure in the future.”

  “No problem.” Her doctor smiled before opening the examining room door. “Just let me know and I can set something up for you.”

  “Oh, Doc, one last thing.”

  “Yes?”

  Paige rubbed her belly. “She’ll be tested too, at birth, right?”

  The doctor smiled and nodded. “We can definitely do that.”

  “Thanks, Doc.”

  “Anytime. You can schedule your next appointment on the way out. And lay off the sweets,” she threw over her shoulder before leaving the room.

  “I hear ya, Doc,” Paige called out as she gathered her things.

  She was as happy as could be. She learned she was having a baby girl during her fifth-month ultrasound. She was glad she’d taken Miss Nettie’s advice and not donated Adele’s baby items. Naomi wanted to give Paige a baby shower. Paige discerned that she only wanted to do so in order to make up for missing her last showers. But Paige told her it wasn’t proper etiquette to have a baby shower for every single child a woman has unless there was a huge gap in time of pregnancies. That wasn’t the case for Paige. Not only did it seem like she’d just had a baby shower yesterday, but she was having the same sex, so she could pretty much reuse everything she’d received for Adele, which was all in great condition. She didn’t need anything new . . . except for one thing.

  “I’ve got to find me a place for me and my girls,” Paige said to Miss Nettie as they stood in the kitchen after Paige had returned from her doctor’s appointment. “I can’t stay here forever. I mean, Norman’s gone. I know they are the girls’ grandparents, but are they technically still my in-laws?”

  “Technically, legally, and all that other stuff don’t matter,” Miss Nettie said as she prepared lunch. “It’s what’s in your heart.”

  Paige nodded in agreement.

  “So what’s your heart say?”

  “Honestly, Naomi is more than like a mother-in-law. She’s even more than just a mother. And don’t get me wrong. I love my mother more than anything in the world, my father too, because God knows I’m a daddy’s girl, but Naomi is like all of that rolled into one and the icing on top is the fact that she’s my friend. She’s my children’s grandmother. She’s genuine. I just never imagined in a million years, let alone one, I’d ever be saying this about the woman I met in this here house last year. I love her . . . maybe too much, so much so that I’m depending on her for my own happiness. I can be having the worst day ever where I feel like life is too much, but then here she comes along with that amazing spirit of hers and the Jesus in her makes me feel like going on.”

  “Then maybe it is time for you to go,” Miss Nettie said.

  Her comment caught Paige off-guard. She was expecting for Miss Nettie to at least try to talk her out of it if just until after the baby was born, not dang near be ready to help her pack. “Well, geesh, I know who won’t miss me when I’m gone.” Paige rolled her eyes.

  “I’m just sitting here listening to you talk and sounds to me like you’re giving Mrs. Vanderdale more credit than you’re giving the Lord.”

  Paige was offended. “I’m absolutely not! I know better than to put anybody before God.”

  “We all know better, but that doesn’t mean sometimes we don’t do it without realizing it.”

  Paige looked as if there was never a time in which she’d voiced more glory to man than God. Had she?

  “Why does it take your mother-in-law entering the room to remind you of how good God is, what He’s done for you, and what He’s brought you through? Now I know sometimes we need encouragement and God will use man to encourage us, but my God, child, sometimes you’ve got to encourage yourself!” Miss Nettie declared. “Like my pastor says, it shouldn’t always take a song or someone exalting to get you to realize how blessed you are and to just thank Him. To Honor Him. To acknowledge Him. To remember Him.”

  “That wasn’t what I was saying,” Paige said.

  “It’s exactly what you said. My body might be in its sixties, but my hearing is twenty-five. My eyes, too, for that matter. I see how you are whenever you’re with Mrs. Vanderdale; you like a bee and she’s honey. It’s like you’re more dependent on what she has to say about God than God Himself.”

  “That is not true and I will not stand here and listen to this craziness of yours any longer.”

  “Good,” Miss Nettie said, walking over to Paige and pushing her down in a chair. “You can sit there and listen then since ya don’t feel like standing.” Miss Nettie rolled her eyes, and went back to preparing lunch and fussing at Paige at the same time. “You like some young girl in love; heck, from what I see on television, some of the older ones, too. Y’all always expect somebody else to come along and give you the fairytale or dream that you’ve pictured or created in your mind. Always looking for someone else to create, give, or be the source of your happiness. Build it yourself. Create it yourself. With God all things are possible. You don’t have to sit and wait around for someone else to make you happy, to believe in yourself, to think you’re beautiful. Make the choice on your own. Bunch of lazy folks is what I say. When you get to the point where you can’t even create your own happiness, that is lazy to the tenth power.”

 
If Paige wasn’t mistaken, it sounded like Miss Nettie had slammed a plate down on the counter.

  “God is a jealous God and you know it. You keep giving Mrs. Vanderdale all that credit and see what happens. You walking a fine line in admiring the God in Mrs. Vanderdale. She’s not your crutch. Yes, I do believe God placed her in your life and you in hers for a reason, but when you get to the point to where you can barely walk your walk without someone pushing you along, then you need to separate yourself. Perhaps your spirit needs to be rehabilitated, learn how to walk again on its own.”

  “Naomi is the grandmother of my children. I’m not going to separate myself from her. That would not be fair.”

  “Stop being all literal. Child, you know what I mean. Put away childish things. You’s a grown woman now. Time to leave the nest and trust God. I mean, what do you expect anyway? To never find a man again? To never find a daddy for those children? You plan on doing that sitting up under your deceased husband’s mama?”

  “Well . . . I . . .” Paige had not taken a moment’s time to think about her future as far as finding another mate. Her outcome with men hadn’t been favorable for her. Maybe she could do better all by herself. Life with the Vanderdales was good. She had not a single complaint, but what if God had a Boaz for her? How would he feel about spending holidays with her former in-laws versus his family? Because she couldn’t imagine experiencing those times without Naomi and Norman Senior.

  Paige grabbed her head, as if that would stop all the thoughts from spinning within.

  “You okay?” Miss Nettie sounded concerned. “I didn’t mean to upset you, it’s just that in less than a month you will have not one, but two little girls depending on you. All y’all gon’ pile up on Mrs. Vanderdale’s strength? You got to be strong on your own. You need to find your strength in the Lord, not man.” Miss Nettie stared at Paige for a moment. “When’s the last time you opened up your Bible? And I’m not talking about when scripture is being read at church and the preacher asks you to open your Bible and turn to chapter and verse whatever. I’m talking about when do you take time out of your day to get into God’s Word?”

  “Well, I used to do it all the time before . . .”

  “Before Naomi started reciting scriptures and praying.” Miss Nettie let out a tsk. “See, you can’t possibly think somebody else’s obedience, prayers, studying the Bible, fasting, and walk with Christ is gonna get you in heaven. It might keep you alive and get you out of bad situations, but heaven ain’t gon’ admit two for the price of one. Child, the price was paid by one for all, but you gotta walk that walk. Child, Jesus is what’s gon’ get you into heaven and not nobody else. And that’s all I’m trying to get you to see.”

  Paige took in all of Miss Nettie’s words and then nodded her understanding. Without saying a word she exhaled and then stood to walk away.

  “And where you going? Lunch is ready,” Miss Nettie said.

  Without turning around Paige shot over her shoulder, “Going to call a lady from church who does real estate. It’s about time I find me a new place to live so that I can start living again . . . on my own . . . literally.”

  Chapter Twenty-six

  “Norm, do something,” Naomi said in a panic, pulling on her husband’s arm. “Talk some sense into her. Maybe she’ll listen to you. She can’t leave. It doesn’t make sense for her to leave.” She looked over at Paige, who stood next to Adele in her car seat, a diaper bag in one hand and a suitcase in the other. “Look at her. She’s nine months pregnant and about to have that baby any day. Who will be there to take care of her?” She looked down at Adele. “And my granddaughter. She can’t do this alone.”

  Paige had to admit that Naomi had a point. It would appear to others like this was an odd time to be moving. Sure she’d relocated from one place to another at the end of her pregnancy with Adele as well. But she’d had Norman then. This time around she was a single mother with another child on the way. This could be looked at as a time in her life when she needed the most help, so why not just stay with the Vanderdales and get that help? Because Paige knew that the longer she stayed, the harder it would be for her to leave. She wanted to start a new life with Adele and her new baby in her own new place. She knew the pitfalls of getting comfortable with something and not wanting to leave. She’d learned that with Blake. Had she left that man when he first showed her his true self, her story might have been reading a little differently right now. And although she couldn’t change her decisions of the past, she could make better decisions for her future.

  “Ye of little faith,” Paige said, almost offended by Naomi’s lack of confidence in her.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. It’s just that being a single parent is hard.”

  “And you would know that how?” Mr. Vanderdale said to his wife.

  Naomi stuttered for a moment. “Well, uhh, Peggy Sue; her daughter’s husband ran off with some gal from work and left her to parent alone their two children. Peggy said she’s been having the hardest time. Her daughter can hardly get dinner prepared at a decent hour or get house chores done. Peggy Sue said she got so tired of going over to visit to find her grandchildren living in such conditions that she ended up having to hire her daughter a housekeeper.”

  “Well, if things start getting too bad for Paige,” Miss Nettie interjected, entering the room with Adele’s playpen all folded up, “I won’t mind going over and helping her out on my time off. But truth be told, I think she’ll be able to handle everything just fine.” Miss Nettie gave Paige a supporting wink.

  Although Paige appreciated Miss Nettie’s support, she didn’t feel she needed it. She was 100 percent certain she’d be okay. She was a grown woman. She needed to be on her own. A grown woman with one child and another on the way. When Paige informed her mother that she felt it was time to move away from Norman’s parents, her mother had even suggested she come stay with her and Mr. Robinson.

  “What sense does it make to jump from one lily pad to the next?” Paige had told her. “I need my own pond, Ma. I have to move on and figure out what I’m going to do with myself, because I sure don’t have the slightest clue right now.”

  Paige might not have had a clue in the world of where she was going in life, but she knew where she wasn’t staying: with her parents or Norman’s.

  “I just don’t understand why you’d want to move out when you’re due any day.” A fretful look rose upon Naomi’s face. “Was it me? Was it something I said or did? I know what it is. You haven’t forgiven me for the way I treated you when Norman first brought you home. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I’m so sorry. Just don’t go.”

  “Please, Naomi, you know that was like ages ago,” Paige reminded her.

  “But you know how you can hold a grudge,” Naomi said. “That Tamarra girl you told me about. She was your best friend and now you won’t even speak to her.”

  “She does have a point there,” Miss Nettie reminded Paige. She too had been privy to the Tamarra betrayal during one of her and Paige’s talks. Paige had definitely found confidants in the two older women. But she had no idea they’d use her stories against her.

  “Well I’ll be,” Paige huffed. “See if I share anything else with the two of you. And for all practical purposes of forgiving, I did forgive Tamarra. I am not holding a grudge. I just choose to no longer entertain her. Forgiving someone does not mean you have to keep company with them.”

  “Yeah, she’s got a point too,” Miss Nettie said to Naomi, not realizing she was playing both sides of the field.

  Naomi put her hands on her hips. “Why, Nettie, whose side are you on anyway?”

  “Now, now, ladies.” Mr. Vanderdale put his hands up to referee. “Let Paige’s farewell be a peaceful one. Besides, she’s only moving about twenty minutes away to Malvonia.” He turned to his wife. “You act like she’s leaving the state of Ohio.”

  “You just don’t understand. I need her,” yelled Naomi to her husband. “Having her and
Adele here was like . . .” Naomi’s words were buried under her weeps. She just stood there with her face buried in her hands.

  Mr. Vanderdale was about to go over and comfort his wife, but Miss Nettie put her hand up to stop him. She nodded to him that he could go and she would tend to the situation. Miss Nettie had been much more than a live-in housekeeper over the years. She’d been a friend to his wife, a confidant and a comforter. She always managed to handle his wife so he knew this time wouldn’t be any different. He parted a small smile at Miss Nettie and then exited the room.

  “Mrs. Vanderdale, I understand how you feel,” Miss Nettie started. “You lost a child, and at the time of his death, this right here was his life.” She pointed to Paige and Adele. “They were a big part of his life, so you feel like having them here is like having him here in a sense.” Miss Nettie gave Naomi a few seconds to allow her words to sink in and then asked, “Am I right about it?”

  Naomi lifted her face from her hands, looked at Miss Nettie, and then nodded.

  “And you,” Miss Nettie said to Paige, “well, you and I have already talked about this before, which is why we decided you needed to go. You can’t keep using Mrs. Vanderdale as a—”

  “Wait a minute,” Naomi interrupted. “Nettie, did you just say that you talked to Paige about leaving?”

  “Well, yes, ma’am, I told her—”

  “So this is all your idea? I knew it! I knew my Paige would have never decided to leave on her own. You’re the one who got it in her head that she should move out?” Naomi didn’t even give Miss Nettie a chance to answer. “How could you do that? What is it, jealousy or something? Are you upset that I don’t have time to watch those stupid reality shows with you anymore because I’m spending time with Paige and my grandbaby?” Naomi took a step closer toward Miss Nettie. “Or let me guess; you’re mad that after years of you inviting me to your church that I went with Paige. That’s it isn’t it? You’re jealous, and I’m surprised because you know jealousy is not of the Lord.” Naomi kept walking toward Miss Nettie.