My Unexpected Forever

by Heidi McLaughlin

  "MERRY Christmas!” Quinn bellows out.

  He runs into the house, excited to spend his last few days with his friends. He hasn’t told Noah or the girls, said he didn’t want them to be sad around Christmas time or for the wedding. I respect his decision.

  The sound of laughter rings throughout the house. Quinn and I carry in our presents for everyone. The girls are dressed in matching outfits. I eye Peyton, who looks like she’s going to scream with excitement. I smile at her and am rewarded with one of the sweetest smiles I’ve ever had from her. Since the day we had our chat, things have been really good between us. Elle is twirling around like a ballerina, giggling. I feel like I’m missing something I never really had, and it hurts.

  Katelyn sits in the chair next to the fireplace. Her legs are curled underneath. I miss her, but I can’t let that show, especially today. A year ago, I walked into this house and saw the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. When I held her hand, I knew she was going to be someone special. Everything I did, I did because I saw her as my future.

  Now, she’s my past, and in a few days she’ll go from someone I know and see occasionally to someone I see rarely, if at all, and that doesn’t make me happy. But it’s my choice.

  Liam walks in with a Santa hat on and the kids start jumping up and down. I kneel in front of the tree and put the presents that Quinn wrapped underneath it. I hold the one I bought for Katelyn in my hand and wonder if it should be included with the rest, or if I should leave it in her mailbox on my way out of town. It’s not meant to be a parting gift, it’s something I bought for her before shit went down. I’ve thought about not giving it to her, but it has meaning and I can’t bring myself to return it to the store.

  I try not to watch her, but I can feel my body gravitate toward her. Her hair falls in her face as I pass by. I have to pocket my hand to keep me from caressing her cheek. I pinch my leg, reminding me that she quit us. I didn’t.

  “Present time,” Liam announces. The kids yell with excitement and gather around the tree. Liam distributes the presents to each child, leaving the adults for last.

  I try to keep my thoughts at bay. I don’t know if moving is the right thing to do, but right now, it’s what I need. I’ve put myself out there with her and I wore my heart on my sleeve. I sit back and watch as the kids tear into their presents. Wrapping paper flies all over the room and laughter rings out. Josie brings in breakfast. She hands me a cup of coffee. I know the look on her face. She feels sorry for me, and she shouldn’t. She smiles softly and turns to look at Katelyn.

  I don’t want to look, but I can’t help myself, and much like last year, she’s staring at her girls, probably remembering her husband. I can’t imagine holidays get any easier when the one you love is no longer able to love you back. I should know.

  “Dad, can I give Peyton and Elle their presents?” Out of the corner of my eye I see Katelyn look over. It makes me wonder what she’s thinking.

  “I’d like to watch them open them. Can you bring them over here?” I ask. Quinn nods and returns to the girls. He picks up their presents and shows them to them. The three of them, who have grown close this past year, come over and sit in front of me.

  “From me and my dad,” he says handing them each a box. Quinn picked out the red wrapping paper and blue bow. The girls tear open their boxes and open the lid.

  “Oh look, mommy, I got a necklace.” Elle shuffles over to her mom and shows her. I look at Peyton, who holds her necklace in her hand.

  “What’s in there?”

  I move to sit down on the floor next to her. I pick up the vial and spin it around. Her eyes go wide with surprise as the gel moves around. “Inside are two names, yours and your dad’s.” I take the necklace from her hand and secure it around her neck. “This way, your dad is always with you.”

  “Is mine like that too, Harrison?” Elle walks on her knees over to me and hands me her box. I take out her necklace and hold it up so the sunlight can hit it. “It sparkles,” Elle squeals and claps her hands.

  I spin it around and hold it in my hand so she can see the inside. “That one there says Elle and that one there says Mason.”

  “Can you put it on for me?” Elle turns around and lifts her hair like a true princess. I fasten her necklace and sit back. The girls play with their necklaces, mesmerized that each time they tilt the vial, their gel and names move. I went with leather as their chains so they won’t break on them.

  “This is from my dad,” Quinn says. He hands Katelyn her box. I didn’t even know he brought it over. Honestly, I thought I hid it far enough at the back that Liam would find it last and I would be gone. I don’t want to do this family shit right now.

  “Thanks, Quinn.” Katelyn takes the present from him and pulls the ribbon. The satin falls onto her lap and she tears off the paper. I look at Liam, who is focusing on Josie and Noah. They’re oblivious to what’s going on.

  My heart beats faster when she starts to lift the lid. I need to get out of here. I stand just as she gasps. I look down at the ground. I can’t bear to look at her. I hear the charms clank together as she pulls out her bracelet. When I bought it, I thought it was a good idea. Now, I’m second guessing the decision to even give it to her.

  “Harrison?” I close my eyes at the way my name sounds. I shake my head and walk out of the room. I don’t want her to tell me she loves it or that she’s thankful. I did it because I wanted her to know that all of us, including Mason, can fit into a life together. But that’s not what she wants.

  I don’t want to leave Quinn, but the pain is too much to take. The studio is cold and far too dark for my liking. We haven’t practiced or even jammed in weeks. I turn on the light and shut the door. I need to be alone. Pulling out my stool and putting on my headphones, I sit down. My sticks are sitting there, evidence that Peyton has been down here practicing. I like that she feels comfortable, and hope that she tells her mom that she wants lessons, because I think it’s helping her self-esteem and it gives her something to do, aside from her fascination with football.

  The beat of the drums soothes me. This is my escape. I need this, even if my left hand is hampered by a cast. I know I’m a shit for ditching out on Christmas, but I need to be able to clear my head. When she’s in my vicinity, my judgment is clouded. All I want to do is pull her into a corner and beg her to give us a fair chance. There’s no way I can do that and save face at the same time. She was loud and clear when she kicked me out of her house that night. She wasn’t willing to look at the possibility that the photos were lies. She just thought I was a liar and a cheat, something I’ve never been.

  I freeze when the beat of her song starts coming from my drums. What would possess me to play this, I don’t know. I put the sticks down and take a deep breath. The door opens and footsteps come near me.

  “Are you really leaving after the wedding?”

  I look up at Liam and nod. “I can’t be in the same room as her and she’s always around. I need my space.”

  “How does Quinn feel?”

  “He’s fine,” I say as I run my finger of the rim of my set. “He knows we’ll come back sometimes, and since he’ll be homeschooled, he can travel back and forth with me.”

  Liam sighs and pulls out another stool to sit on. “With you back in L.A., JD won’t want to come here. He’ll be asking me to come back there to work.”

  “Don’t put this on me, Liam. You want someone to blame; blame Sam or hell, blame Katelyn for the bullshit. If she didn’t want me, she should’ve just stayed away. I was doing fine from a distance, but no, she had to show that she was jealous of other women and act like she cared so that I’d pursue her harder.”

  “I know you’re hurting.”

  I shake my head. “Nah, man, it’s beyond hurt. I can’t look at her without wanting to kiss her and shake her at the same time. I don’t get it.”

  “She’s scared.”

  “Well, that’s no way to live your life and we all know how short life can
be.”

  “I believe in second chances,” Liam says. I know he does, or he wouldn’t be getting married the day after tomorrow, but not all of us can be so lucky. “If you need time, you should take it.”

  “It’s not me needing time. I know what I want. I want those three girls upstairs to be in my life permanently. I want my son to have Katelyn as a mother figure, because that’s what he wants. I don’t need the time to figure that shit out. I already know it.” I rub my hands over my face and groan. “It’s not me, Liam. I’m not running or shutting doors. I’m moving because it’s too hard to sit back and watch her life go on while mine is teetering on the edge, waiting for a glimmer of hope that she might, someday, want to be with me.”

  Liam comes over and pats me on the back, squeezing my shoulder. “Josie says brunch is in thirty minutes.”

  “I’ll be up.”

  No sooner does Liam shut the door than it opens again. This time, my visitor is a short and sweet little girl with a black velvet ribbon in her hair. She comes over and climbs into my lap. Her arms wrap around my neck as she hugs me tightly. I squeeze her back with all that I have, hoping that I leave an impression for her.

  “How come you don’t come over for dinner anymore?”

  I’m not sure how to answer her. What do you say to a child who has lost so much in her life? “I’m busy with writing music. Sometimes it takes a lot of my time.”

  I adjust Peyton and set her on my knee. “Mommy cries a lot at night again.”

  “What do you mean, ‘again’?”

  She shrugs. “I think she stopped for a little while, but now she does it again.”

  I push her hair behind her shoulder and offer her a smile. I don’t know what to say. Part of me hopes she’s crying because we aren’t together, but I should know better. She misses her simple life and with that, comes the longing she has for her husband. She doesn’t shed tears for me.

  “Wanna play?” I ask her, holding up the sticks. Her grin spreads from ear to ear as she takes them from my hand. She spins in my lap and is ready for me to give her the signal.

  Except this time I don’t.

  This time I bring out another set of sticks and play with her. We pound on the drums, creating our own music. When we have a decent rhythm going, I hit record on my laptop and we play again and again until it’s time to eat. When we’re done, we’re tired and sweaty. Peyton hugs me again. Her arms are tight around my neck. I hate that it’s taken so long for us to be friends and now that we are, I’m leaving her.

  “I love you, Harrison.”

  “I love you too, Peyton.” My response is automatic. My heart is beating wildly in my chest, threatening to come out or break at a moment’s notice. If loving her, Elle and Katelyn is right, why does everything I do feel so wrong?

  "ARE you ready?” I ask as I straighten out Josie’s train. It’s pinned to the French braids that meet at the back of her head. Her dress is strapless and tight around her waist. The silk is bunched and pinned statically, making her dress poof more. Jenna does a last minute fix on her make-up, as Josie is nervous and keeps touching her face.

  “Stop touching,” Jenna says, slapping Josie’s hand.

  “Why are you so nervous?” I ask.

  “I don’t know. This is a huge step.”

  Jenna and I start laughing. “Seriously? You have a son and you live together. Usually this step happens first.”

  Josie closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “What if he’s not there?”

  “Oh my God, Josephine, get a grip. It’s time to go.” I push her toward the door. Jenna opens it and Mr. Preston is standing there, waiting for his daughter. I give him a kiss on the cheek as I pass by him.

  Jenna, the twins and I walk into the vestibule. Music is playing softly. We wait for our cue. The girls walk out, dropping rose petals along the path. Their dresses match Josie’s, except with straps. Their beautiful hair is braided to match Josie’s, with pieces curled and hanging down. Jenna steps out next. I count to twenty like we practiced in rehearsal, and step out.

  The three white roses that make up my bouquet are held tightly in front of me. My dress, crimson red, falls just below my knees, with a bow in front, just off to the side. I love my dress and not many people can say that about their bridesmaid dresses. The strapless, form fitting top and flow of the dress makes me feel sexy.

  I avoid looking ahead for fear of what may break my heart even more. I smile at the guests on the sides, all eyes watching me until I pass. Each pew is decorated with white roses and red ribbon. Jenna and Aubrey have done a wonderful job with the flower arrangements.

  I make a mistake and look toward the front to see Liam, wondering what expression he’s wearing. I don’t see him or Jimmy, even though they’re both there. All I see is Harrison, dressed sharply in a black and white tuxedo. His hair has been cut and styled nicely. He doesn’t look like the man I’ve declared my love for. He’s too covered. He’s not the storybook I’ve become accustomed to seeing.

  His eyes connect with mine. I bite my lip to send a sharp reminder to my brain and my heart that I’m here for a reason, and that is Josie and Liam. Anything to do with Harrison will have to wait until my duties are done.

  I step forward and take my spot next to Jenna. The girls are sitting on the steps, as are Noah and Quinn, who had the duty of escorting the guests today. They are dressed to match Harrison. I glance at Quinn, who smiles at me. His hair is tousled and in need of a trim. I shouldn’t have those thoughts though, but I can’t help it. In Noah’s lap is the ring pillow. It’s fitting that he holds the bands that will tie his family together.

  Everyone stands as the music changes. I know I should be watching Josie come down the aisle, but I can’t take my eyes away from the man who is staring at me. He’s not looking at Liam or Josie, but at me. I don’t know if I should smile or look away. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Josie and Liam step up to the minister and in my line of sight. I’m no longer connected to Harrison. I can no longer see him clearly.

  The words from the minister ring out over the church. He talks about love, life and finding someone that makes you happy. I know the words aren’t meant for me, but they hit home. In the short time that Harrison and I were together, I was happy. He made me smile and feel loved. He treated my children as his own, and even though we are no longer together, he still does. That should be enough for me.

  “Liam, please recite your vows to Josie.”

  Liam rolls his neck and shakes out his shoulders. The guests laugh.

  “You’d think because I’m a musician this would be easy, but let me tell you, finding the words to say to this woman is very difficult.”

  Liam clears his throat before he looks into her eyes.

  “Josie, in your eyes, I have found my only home. In your heart, I have found my only love. In your soul, I have found my only mate.

  “Josie, with you, I am whole, full and alive. You make me laugh. You allow me to cry. You’re my every breath and every heartbeat. I am nothing, if you’re not mine as I am yours.”

  Josie sniffles. I don’t blame her. I have tears pooling in my eyes as well. The minister nods at her, letting her know that she can start. She takes a deep breath and starts speaking to the love of her life.

  “Liam, I promise to encourage your individuality, because that’s what makes you unique and wonderful. That’s what makes you mine.

  “I promise to nurture your dreams, because without them, we wouldn’t be standing here today.

  “I promise to help shoulder our challenges, because we’re a team and are stronger than ever.

  “I promise to always be your best friend, your lover, your wife and most importantly, your partner.

  “I promise to share with you the joys of life, because with you, they’ll be that much sweeter.

  “Liam, lastly I promise to you perfect love and perfect trust, because tomorrow will never be enough.”

  Josie never shared her vows with me and I’m than
kful for that. When she speaks about a perfect love and trust, she speaks from experience. She’s been through more than just losing the love they shared once, she’s had to learn to trust the public side of Liam, and she’s done it gracefully.

  Noah hands his parents their rings. Liam gives him a fist bump, much to the guests delight.

  “I now pronounce you husband and wife. Liam, you may kiss your bride.”

  Whistling and laughter ring out as Liam dips his bride back and kisses her. When he rights her, he raises their hands in the air. I hand Josie her bouquet, and watch as my two best friends rush down the aisle to start the next chapter in their lives.

  The kids follow, Noah with Peyton and Quinn with Elle. I step forward and loop my arm into Harrison’s. This is the closest we’ve been in weeks. It doesn’t feel forced or uncomfortable. It feels natural. It feels like home.

  THE moment the wedding party is announced, Harrison leaves my side. I know I shouldn’t have expected him to stay next to me, but a small part of me hoped he would. That small part hoped that the wedding vows and the love in the air would spur him to take a step and demand that I talk to him. No such luck, and there’s no one to blame but myself.

  Josie and Liam move right into their first dance. They hired a band to play live music tonight. The band plays one of the songs Liam wrote for Josie. Why she chose this, I’ll never understand, but it’s their song. When they finish, we all sit and enjoy dinner. The atmosphere is so laid back you’d think we’re at a party, not a reception. I’ve been to many and while most have been boring, this has a nightclub vibe going on. I have a feeling this will be an all-nighter for some.

  The dancing begins as soon as the dinner plates have been carried away. Liam, Josie and Noah all dance together for one song, uniting them as a family. Jimmy stands next to Harrison. Both of them are without their jackets now. Jimmy’s bow tie is undone and his hair is standing on end. It makes me wonder which one of these women is his date for the night as I look around for someone who looks like they just came out of the coat closet. That image is enough for me to be thankful I didn’t have to coat check anything.