I Ain't Me No More

by E. N. Joy

  I looked up, only to see Dino looking over at Synthia and me. First, he’d caught me staring, and now my best friend, so he knew something was up. Just as I expected, a few minutes later Dino made his way over to Synthia and me.

  “Hey, smiley,” he said, looking dead at me.

  “Hey,” I replied, my smile even wider now. I couldn’t help it. The energy on this dude had just taken over me. “The name is Helen.”

  “Well, Helen, I couldn’t help but notice . . .”

  I swear on everything, I just knew he was going to say that he couldn’t help but notice me staring at him for the past ten minutes.

  “Your smile,” he said, finishing his thought. “It’s refreshing to finally run into a girl in this city who isn’t sitting around with an attitude, looking like somebody owes her something or that the world is on her shoulders.”

  I noticed that he said, “In this city,” as if this wasn’t his hometown. I decided to fish for some clarity to my suspicions. “I’ve never seen you around. Are you from here?” I knew that was a corny line, but I didn’t know what else to say. The only guy I’d ever been in a relationship with and had to communicate with in this fashion was Dub.

  “Naw, I’m from the East Coast,” Dino replied to my inquiry.

  His smile and the fact that he wasn’t from this city were music to my ears. I didn’t know why, but there was always something mysterious and exciting about meeting people who weren’t from around the way.

  “So, how long you been living in Columbus?” I asked him.

  “Not even a year,” he replied before Synthia cleared her throat to remind me that she was standing there.

  “Oh, my bad,” I said. “Synthia, this is Dino, Dino, this is my best friend, Synthia.”

  “Nice to meet you, Dino.” Synthia extended her hand, and when I looked up at her, she was smiling too. Like I said, there was just something about this guy.

  “Same here.” He looked at my almost empty glass and Synthia’s empty glass. “Can I buy you two ladies a drink?”

  Another point for Team Dino. I hated it when a guy would just walk up to the girl he was trying to holler at and offer to buy only her a drink, leaving her girls feeling all left out. Although Dino had racked up quite a few points when he stood and walked over to me, I knew I had to start deducting them. Because once I was able to take my eyes away from Dino’s smile, I discovered the one thing that I didn’t think I’d be able to deal with: his weight.

  Dino was a little on the chubby side. He wasn’t ridiculously obese or anything, but he was pretty thick. Excess weight on a man had just always been a turnoff to me.

  “Bartender, can you get these two ladies a glass of whatever it is they are drinking?” Dino told the bartender.

  After we gave the bartender our drink order, Synthia, Dino, and I talked and laughed for about the next half hour. Even when Synthia’s favorite song came on, she didn’t walk off to go dance. That was how interesting it was to be around Dino.

  “Look, I’ma go check on my boys over there for a minute.” Dino nodded toward the friends he had left to come over and chat it up with us. “I don’t want them to think I’ve forgotten about them or anything.”

  “I understand,” I replied.

  “But, hey, do me this one favor,” he said as he reached over and picked up the pen the bartender had been using. He then grabbed a napkin, placed it in front of me, and laid the pen on it. “Have your number ready for me when I get back.” He winked and walked away.

  “I love him for you,” Synthia said with this schoolgirlish purr once Dino was out of earshot. “He was soo sweet. I mean, he is everything Dub never was. Did you see how nice he was? Girl, you better jump on that.”

  I smiled in agreement, but Synthia could see that something else was lingering in my mind.

  “What? What’s the matter? You afraid Dub got a couple goons in here watching you or something? I mean, I know you haven’t given out your phone number or talked to a guy like that since Dub was locked up, but, girlfriend, move on.”

  “I know,” I whined. “But, girl, don’t try to play me and act like you didn’t notice.”

  Synthia looked back over at Dino to see what exactly it was she had missed. “What? Heck, he had all his teeth and both his eyes. What?”

  “Girl, he’s a big guy. I don’t know about dating no big guy.”

  Synthia looked over and examined Dino again. “Girl, he ain’t that big. Besides, his smile is bigger. Ain’t nobody gonna pay attention to his big stomach over his big smile.”

  On that note both Synthia and I couldn’t help but burst out laughing.

  “See? You just made up my mind for me,” I said as I pushed the napkin and pen away without writing my phone number.

  “Girl, I was just playing.” Synthia playfully hit me on the shoulder. “He is so nice. If you don’t give him your phone number, I’m going to give it to him for you, and you’ll just have to be mad at me later.”

  This wasn’t supposed to be how this “clubbin’ it” thing worked out. I was simply supposed to be out living it up, doing all the things Dub had prevented me from doing. To see what I was missing, to have fun, not to get a boyfriend out of it. I could just look at Dino’s fabric and tell he was boyfriend material. Besides, that thing that he had said attracted him to me, my smile, was fake. It was fake because it wasn’t mine. It was his, something his smile had incited my own lips to do. What if this thing turned out to be serious and he discovered the real me? The unhappy me? The hurt me that was filled with anger, pain, and bitterness? But then again, what if he was just the antidote to eat away all those poisons?

  “Well, here he comes,” Synthia said, nodding toward Dino, who had gotten off of his seat and was coming our way. “I’m going to the ladies’ room, but if by the time I get back you haven’t given him your phone number, I will.”

  Just as Synthia picked up her purse and headed to the ladies’ room, Dino approached me. The first thing he did was look down at the blank napkin. He looked at me, then at the blank napkin again. Next, he pulled the napkin and pen over to himself and began writing.

  “Here’s my number,” he said, handing the napkin to me. “I have no doubts about whether I want to give you mine. Hopefully, you’ll have no doubts about using it.”

  I looked down at the napkin, which had only his phone number on it. “You didn’t write your name down.”

  “Well, I figured since you introduced me to your girl before I even told you my name, you already knew it.” Once again, he winked. “But by the way, my name . . . .my real name . . . is Tarino Morton. I got the name Dino because when I introduced myself to the guys at work”—he nodded over at his friends—“one thought I said Dino and he started calling me that. So everybody else did as well. It’s kind of stuck with me now.” He shrugged. “Nice to meet you, Helen.” He shook my hand and then walked away, this time leaving the club.

  I couldn’t help but smile. He’d busted me. He knew I’d paid enough attention to him that there was a slight chance I’d be calling the number that was in my hand.

  Stone Number Twenty-six

  I ended up calling Dino the very next day. I didn’t think the same bugaboo rule applied to women that applied to men. The one about not calling a woman the same day, or even the day after, she gives a guy her number.

  Just like it was when Dub and I first started dating, Dino and I talked on the phone for hours. I was even reminded of one of Dub’s and my early times together; one I had completely forgotten about. Dub had come and tapped on my bedroom window in the middle of the night because he missed me and wanted to say hey and it was too late to call my house. I thought that was the sweetest and most romantic thing. I’d almost forgotten about those times, with so many bad times outweighing the good.

  I met Dino on a Sunday, I called him Monday afternoon, and we talked for hours. I was abusing my phone privileges at work, while Dino said he was off work from the Honda plant. All I remember was thinking, Yes!
He’s got a job . . . and a good one. I knew dudes who would have killed to land a position at the Honda plant. It was like working for GM. They made good money. So in turn, any girl would love to have a dude who worked at the Honda plant. That meant that when they went out to dinner, he could afford to pay for the meal.

  While I was on the phone, getting to know Dino, one of the office secretaries kept coming over to my desk, asking me stupid stuff just to be nosy. She would smack her lips about me still being on the phone. I knew then that I better end my phone sessions with Dino for the day . . . at least while I was at work. That particular call started at noon, the beginning of my hour-long lunch period, and ended after two. But before hanging up, Dino asked me out to the movies that night. I eagerly accepted. I couldn’t remember the last time Dub had taken me to the movies or if we’d even gone. And I was sure if we had gone to the movies, I was the one who had flipped the tab.

  “Nana, is it okay if I leave Baby D here asleep tonight while I go catch a movie?” I asked her once I got home from work. Baby D was seven and in second grade now, and was not nearly as much of a handful as he had been when he was a toddler. Nana could handle him even if he woke up during the night.

  “Movie? On a Monday night? Who in the world goes to the movies on a Monday night?” Nana replied.

  “I met this really, really nice guy last night, while I was out, and he invited me.”

  Nana frowned. “Go on. Baby D can stay here and sleep. But I don’t get you girls today.” Nana shook her head. “I mean, I’ve gone out in my days and met some really, really nice guys. But I ain’t never met one where I wanted to just jump up and go out with him the next night after meeting him.” Nana left the room, almost in disgust.

  Perhaps she was right. Perhaps I should have at least taken that entire week to get to know Dino. He could be a psycho for all I knew. I mean, after all, looks could be deceiving.

  The next two weeks I spent almost every single day with Dino. I started slacking off on my schoolwork. I even got called into my college counselor’s office, and he warned me that if I didn’t maintain decent grades, I would lose my grants and scholarships. I couldn’t believe I was starting to mess up in my senior year. I’d come too far, but my real concern seemed to be how far Dino and I would go.

  With Dub, I had used school as an escape—anything to get away from him. With Dino, though, the time I spent at school and on schoolwork I wanted to spend with him instead.

  Rather than going out to the club with my girls, I’d go with Dino and we’d dance the night away. It was so fun, because club hoppin’ wasn’t something Dino was used to. He’d been out the night I met him only because he had agreed to join his friend from work to celebrate his friend’s birthday. But me, I was a pro on the club scene.

  I’d always thought going to the club with a guy was like taking sand to a beach, but I had never had more fun in my life than I had dancing the night away with Dino. He was everything his smile suggested he was. If he stubbed his toe and needed stitches, he’d still be smiling. Nothing could get him down. He never got upset or raised his voice. Not even when a guy at the club bumped into him and made him spill his drink all over himself.

  “That’s all right, partna,” Dino told the guy. Even when the guy offered to buy both Dino and me another drink for our troubles, Dino refused, replacing his own drink himself. I knew there was nothing I could ever do to make Dino get upset with me and yell at me, degrade me, let alone beat on me, like Dub had done for so many years. I had had no idea a man like this even existed. There was a God, after all, and He’d sent me an angel.

  When I was spending time with Dino, I truly felt as though I was in heaven. I introduced Dino to all my family, and everyone loved him. Absolutely everyone, even Baby D. Close to three months into my and Dino’s relationship, Baby D and I spent more time at Dino’s one-bedroom apartment than we did at Nana’s big ole house. We even started spending the night there.

  “Helen, Baby D tells me that you all sleep on the couch and the floor at Dino’s,” my mother said to her dismay as we sat in her living room one day. “I don’t like that.”

  “Mom, you make it sound like Dino and I are sleeping sleeping together . . . like we are having sex with Baby D right there or something. That does not go down. Believe me.”

  “Well, I just don’t understand why with all those beds at Nana’s, you are staying at this guy’s place, on the floor. You haven’t even known him that long.”

  I could understand where my mother was coming from, but that still didn’t change my mind about wanting to be up under Dino all the time.

  By now, Dino and I had become sexually involved, our first time being just a month after we met. I was so nervous that the first time he actually tried to sleep with me, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

  “I can’t,” I’d said, pushing a naked Dino off of me before he even had a chance to penetrate me. My body had been trembling, like I was about to be raped instead of made love to. I guessed that was just what I’d been used to.

  “I understand,” Dino had said, putting his clothes back on. And he really did seem to understand, never trying to initiate sex again. A week after that, it was I who ultimately initiated our intimate encounter, which was something I’d never done with Dub.

  I have to admit, with Dino, it was so different. It didn’t feel like he was taking me. I felt as though he was giving me a part of him. It was safe to say that I had gotten my mojo back when it came to sex.

  Dino was only the second man in my life who I’d been with, and he was nothing like the first. He was twenty-one, two years younger than I was, but he worked it like a vet! Dino was the glory to outweigh all the suffering I had been through with Dub. I felt like the children of Israel when Pharaoh finally let them go. But then, just like for the children of Israel, the journey toward the promised land was nothing like I thought it was going to be.

  Stone Number Twenty-seven

  One day I decided to go visit Dino on my lunch break and surprise him with lunch. I stopped by Roosters and grabbed us some chicken before heading to his apartment. Once I arrived at his door, prepared to knock, I couldn’t help but notice the piece of paper that was stuck to Dino’s front door.

  I sat the food down that was in my hands and tenderly peeled the paper off the door and opened the note. I just knew it was going to be from some other chick. Yep, I told myself, I knew he was too good to be true. He’s probably got broads all over town, and now one is throwing salt in his game by calling herself leaving him a love note.

  I began to read the letter and realized that it wasn’t a note from some other woman at all. It was an eviction notice. My mouth formed a capital letter O. Eviction notice? But he worked at the Honda plant. He made good money. He’d been treating me and Baby D to dinner and movies and skating and everything. He had money. There had to be a mistake. Perhaps the landlord had inadvertently placed it on the wrong door. I double-checked the address printed on the letter, and it matched Dino’s.

  I placed the note back on the door and picked up the food, even though I’d just lost my appetite. I couldn’t eat, let alone think, until I got to the bottom of this.

  Dino opened the door, all smiles, after I knocked.

  “What are you doing here?” He embraced me with a big smile on his face. “Ooh, and you brought lunch.” It wasn’t unusual for Dino to be home during the day, because he’d told me he worked the evening shift. There were some occasions when he worked the day shift, and usually it was those times when Baby D and I would spend the night at his place.

  “And it looks like someone else brought you a little something too.” I nodded toward the door.

  Just then Dino looked up at his door, and his face flushed with embarrassment. He didn’t have a look of wonderment, but a look that told me he knew exactly what that letter hanging on his door was. He peeled it off as he stepped aside and allowed me to enter. There was complete silence as he debated whether or not to discuss the let
ter with me.

  When he looked at me and saw me standing there, waiting for an explanation, he knew I wasn’t going to let him enjoy a good meal until he started talking.

  “I had hoped I’d have my settlement before it got to this,” he said as he shook his head and sat down on the couch.

  He’d mentioned to me early on in the relationship that he’d gotten hurt on the job. He had hired an attorney and had been going to therapy and everything. He was expecting to ultimately receive a big payoff.

  “So what’s up?” I just came right out and asked. “Why would you be getting an eviction notice, unless you haven’t been paying rent?” The look he gave me let me know that he hadn’t been. “You haven’t been paying rent?” I needed to hear him say it.

  He shook his head.

  “Why not, Dino? Did you expect them to let you live here for free?”

  “I expected to have my settlement by now.”

  “Why didn’t you pay them with the money your job has been paying you?”

  “What money? My job hasn’t been giving me any money.”

  Okay, now I was stunned. I didn’t know anybody nowadays who went to work at a job but didn’t get paid. “Then where have you been getting money?”

  He paused, then took a deep breath. “Well, at first, my job was paying me for being off—”

  “Being off?” I interrupted. “But you haven’t been off.” My eyes pleaded with his that it wasn’t so. But when his eyes were downcast, I knew my gut feeling was correct. This fool had been faking going to work

  “Then, when I went to their doctor,” he continued without verbally confirming the fact he’d been lying about going to work, “he said there wasn’t nothing wrong with me. But my doctor’s report was different, so my doctor wrote me off work. My job told me if I didn’t come to work, then they were firing me.”

  “So you let them fire you?”