The End of Men and the Rise of Women

by Hanna Rosin

  In an interview with the researchers, a production operator described how the workplace culture had changed. At first, he acknowledged, he and his peers had to be taught “how to be more lovey-dovey and more friendly with each other and to get in touch with the more tender side of each other type of thing. And all of us just laughed at first. It was like, man, this is never going to work, you know? But now you can really tell the difference. Even though we kid around and joke around with each other, there’s no malice in it. We are a very different group now than we were when we first got together—kinder, gentler people.”

  Ultimately the new rules of operation seeped into the men’s definition of their own masculinity, the researchers concluded. One worker told them that being a man “doesn’t mean I want to kick someone’s ass.” Another said, “I don’t want to be a superhero out here. I don’t want to know everything.” A third admitted, “A man is a man when he can think like a woman,” which meant “being sensitive, compassionate, in touch with my feelings; knowing when to laugh and when to cry.”

  Rex and Comus are basically closed working environments where men live for some period isolated from their family and friends. In this way, they serve as perfect sites for social engineering, and are not all that similar to the actual world. Still, if a pack of lions can be tamed in this way, taught to cry and laugh and pray together, then there might be hope for everyone else. As the researchers theorized, Safety 2000 probably worked because the payback was greater. Striving to be the biggest, baddest redneck was just chasing after an image, like trying to catch the glow from the TV. But being this new kind of man meant forging actual human connections, which tend to hold us—all of us—longer.

  We live in a world that privileges nimbleness and flexibility, the willingness to adapt and bend to a fast-changing economic landscape, to be responsive to social cues. At the moment, Plastic Woman manifests those qualities better than Cardboard Man does—at the moment. Yes, it’s possible that Plastic Woman has some innate configuration of traits that ideally suit her to today’s world. But it’s just as possible that after so many years of lagging behind men, she is simply supercharged with underdog intensity. Or perhaps centuries of raising children have made her an expert at doing several things at once.

  In the future—perhaps after his own long spell as underdog and chief caretaker for children—Cardboard Man may become more plastic, too. In the course of my reporting, I have met a few men who are leading the way to this future. And my research has caused me to start raising my two sons differently. Even if it’s against their “nature,” I want to teach them to bend. To my relief, I’ve discovered that with a little creativity on all our parts, it’s not all that hard.

  TWO MONTHS BEFORE I reached him, Calvin had been in a car wreck and had broken seven bones. The experience “just opened my eyes,” he said. He thought of the wearying “muscle jobs” he’d held, and wondered, “What do I really want to do for the rest of my life? Do I really want to spend my last days smashed between two guys in the front seat of a truck?” He found himself thinking back to a time when he was eleven, about the same age as his daughter was now. His favorite uncle—his mother’s brother—had gotten seriously sick but refused to go to the hospital. So Calvin’s mother, the nurse, took him in and expertly cared for him at home. He was a difficult patient and would sometimes act out by smashing his pills with a hammer. But eventually he got better, and from then on he’d served as a second father to Calvin, coming to see him, taking him on hunting trips, and teaching him carpentry. Calvin figured the memory of that time came back to him after the car wreck to remind him how far a little nursing could go in mending people, relationships, and families.

  In our conversation Calvin kept looping back to the moment he’d finished “putting up the papers,” meaning turning in the application for college. This pretty perfunctory task had settled on him as a profound moment in his life. He’d found the process of walking into the admissions office and handing in his big manila envelope terrifying. Twice he’d gone home to get a new envelope because he noticed a crease in the one he was about to turn in. He’d been “more scared than I’ve ever been, even in that car wreck.” But once he actually crossed the threshold into the office, “I also got this little thrill,” he said. “Like I’m finally doing it.”

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Now it’s time to thank all the good men who have helped me to trumpet their demise. I owe my greatest intellectual debt to Don Peck, my editor at The Atlantic. Don has the editor’s equivalent of thrift-store genius. He is able to sift through heaps of disconnected thoughts and ideas and hone in on the gems hiding somewhere in the pile. I was staring at bits and pieces of this idea for months and there is no chance I would have clarified it into an Atlantic cover story without Don’s help. I also thank James Bennet, editor of The Atlantic, for giving me a fun and supportive writing home for many years and for letting me temporarily hijack his magazine for a gender war which has, to some degree, continued there to this day. (Some would say that The Atlantic has become the best women’s magazine around.)

  Now, the women. I got enough heat for the magazine story that I probably would have stopped there if not for a phone call from Becky Saletan, who edited my first book. Becky convinced me to go back at the idea and expand it, and part of the reason I said yes was for the chance to work with her a second time. There were moments during this process when I felt she was sweating every phrase and paragraph as much as I was, which seems impossible given everything else she does. On top of that, she’s been a great friend and general all-around life guru. My agent, Sarah Chalfant, is the toughest, most loyal guardian angel a writer could ask for. I always feel safe while she’s on my side. Geoff Kloske believed in the book, with enthusiasm and good humor, despite its message. Jynne Martin and the rest of the Riverhead publicity team have worked hard to help it succeed. Sarah Yager saved me from many a minor embarrassment.

  My colleagues at Slate’s DoubleX, the women’s section I cofounded, created for me the rollicking women’s studies seminar I never had in college. Jessica Grose, Emily Bazelon, and Julia Turner—and early on, Meghan O’Rourke, Sam Henig, and Noreen Malone—helped make meetings, podcasts, and projects seem like anything but work. Day after day we pored over lady news ranging from dumb to deadly serious until a coherent picture began to emerge for me about a larger story happening to women and men. Thanks also to Jacob Weisberg for having the vision for the section, and trusting us to carry it out.

  Many fellow journalists, academics, and luminaries I have spoken to and argued with along the way—most of whom have been thinking about these subjects a lot longer than I have—forced me to rethink or expand or delete: Nancy Abelmann, Dan Abrams, Elizabeth Armstrong, Jeffrey Arnett, Kathleen Bogle, Kate Bolick, Meredith Chivers, June Carbone, James Chung, Alice Eagly, Kathy Edin, Albert Esteve, Susan Faludi, Garanz Franke-Ruta, Claudia Goldin, Michael Greenstone, Daniel Griffin, Metta Lou Henderson, Gregory Higby, Christina Hoff Sommers, Ann Hulbert, Arianna Huffington, Maria Kefalas, Laurel Kendall, Michael Kimmel, David Lapp, Maud Lavin, Lori Leibovich, Mark Leibovich, Daniel Lichter, Wendy Manning, Amanda Marcotte, Marta Meana, Sharon Meers, Tom Mortenson, Linda Perlstein, Zhenchao Qian, Mark Regnerus, Amanda Ripley, Katie Roiphe, Sheryl Sandberg, Amanda Schaffer, Larry Summers, Rebecca Traister, Bruce Weinberg, Richard Whitmire, Brad Wilcox, Philip Zimbardo. Each has in some way, either through their writing or in conversation, helped shape my thoughts. Thank you also to Evan Ramstad, Krys Lee, Frank Ahrens, and SungHa Park for making Korea seem like the most exciting country ever.

  As with every project, I owe the most to the people who agreed to be written about. Even the ones who chose to remain anonymous allowed themselves to be prodded and scrutinized and reexamined to a degree that can only be called brave. They include the students at the unnamed Ivy league business school (you know who you are); the students at the University of Wisconsin School of Pharmacy; the citizens of Alexander City; the men and women in Kansas C
ity; the couples who spoke to me for my breadwinner wives survey; the women of Silicon Valley and Wall Street; the girls at PACE; and the various young women and men I interviewed in Korea. I thank them for trusting me and I admire them for their willingness to be open and honest.

  I barely feel human without my crew of Washington girlfriends, each of whom has rescued me in one way or another at the drowning moments of book writing: Nurith Aizenman, Meri Kolbrener, Jessica Lazar, Alix Spiegel, Margaret Talbot. I wish I lived a Carrie Bradshaw life in which I could see each of them on successive nights of the week. Meri especially has gone through more during the last year than any mother should and yet still manages to be an anchor for an improbable number of people. If not for her, I don’t think I would understand how to be a friend. The same appreciation goes to Tonje Vetleseter on the West Coast.

  My mother, Miriam, is the reason why I was able to recognize the phenomenon I wrote about in the first place. I come from a long line of matriarchs who dominated their husbands in one way or another (I am not one of them). My mother is of an era and social class where women were never officially in charge, but in fact she was, in every way that mattered. She was the self-appointed neighborhood watchdog, known for being able to intimidate men three times her size. She is smart and tough and bighearted and doesn’t let anything intimidate her or distract her from doing the right thing. I love my dad, Eli, and my brother, Meir, for many reasons, including their not asking too many questions about the title of my book. And I love them for keeping an eye on Dalila, Tiago, Talles, Kyla, and Chloe.

  My in-laws, Judith and Paul, I come to appreciate more every year. I realize it’s not supposed to be that way, but it is. They are like grandparents, friends, colleagues, and intellectual sparring partners all in one. John, Lisa, Nelly, and Daria, I love you all and wish you lived closer.

  My daughter, Noa, has been a ray of sunshine streaming into my attic in the midafternoon, except when she’s not (she’s nearly a preteen). She’s grown up so much in the time I’ve been writing this book, but still managed to hold on to her curiosity and core of confidence. She’s also become one of the funniest people I know. My son Jacob asks me every day why I would write a book with such a mean title. I always tell him that I want to convince people that some men out there need our help, since it’s not always so easy for them to ask for it. He doesn’t quite believe me yet, but maybe one day he will. My son Gideon is thankfully too young to read the title, and too busy with his cars. But he is candy at the end of a long day. I kind of wish he’d never grow up.

  How can I thank a husband who puts up with a wife who writes a book called The End of Men? Just imagine the potential for embarrassing tableaux: on the basketball court, at the gym, at the office. “Hey, what’s your wife up to?” Yet David has been nothing but proud, so proud that I always hear from his friends the nice things he says about me. When I interviewed top executives about the most important decision they made in their lives, most of them said: I married the right man. I completely agree.

  NOTES

  A few notes on sources: All of the characters mentioned in the book are real people I met or interviewed in the course of reporting this book. However, sometimes I used only their first names, and sometimes I changed their names entirely. I used pseudonyms mostly in cases when I was revealing particularly intimate details about relationships: Tali, Shannon, Troy, Hannah, Billy, and Dian are pseudonyms, as are Stephanie Kim and Kirsten Lee. Quotes from experts generally come from interviews I conducted, unless a different source is noted below. Quotes in text that do not have sources noted below come from interviews conducted by the author in the research for this book.

  INTRODUCTION

  This world has always belonged to males: Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex (New York: Vintage Books, 2011), p. 71.

  three-quarters of the 7.5 million jobs: Between June 2007 and December 2009, according to Pew Research Center’s analysis of Bureau of Labor Statistics data, men lost 5.4 million jobs and women lost 2.1 million.http://pewresearch.org/pubs/2049/unemployment-jobs-gender-recession-economic-recovery.

  worst-hit industries: Mark J. Perry, “The Great Mancession of 2008–2009,” Statement before the House Ways and Means Committee Subcommittee on Income Security and Family Support on “Responsible Fatherhood Programs,” June 17, 2010. http://democrats.waysandmeans.house.gov/media/pdf/111/2010Jun17_Perry_Testimony.pdf.

  In 2009, for the first time: According to revised employment data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, women outnumbered men in the workforce in February, March, November, and December of 2009.

  Women worldwide dominate: OECD, Education at a Glance 2011: OECD Indicators (OECD Publishing, 2011). http://www.oecd.org/dataoecd/61/2/48631582.pdf.

  for every two men who will receive a BA: According to “Gender Equity in Higher Education: 2010,” a report by the American Council on Education, women have consistently earned around 60 percent of bachelor’s degrees for the last decade.

  Of the fifteen job categories: “The 30 Occupations with the Largest Projected Employment Growth, 2010-20,” Bureau of Labor Statistics, February 2012. http://www.bls.gov/news.release/ecopro.t06.htm.

  more than 40 percent of private businesses in China: “41 Pct of China’s Private Businesses Run by Women,” People’s Daily, September 17, 2004.

  the new “ornamental masculinity”: Susan Faludi, Stiffed: The Betrayal of the American Man (New York: HarperCollins, 1999).

  “fixed in cultural aspic”: Jessica Grose, “Omega Males and the Women Who Hate Them,” Slate, March 18, 2010.

  In her iconic 1949 book: Beauvoir, The Second Sex, p. 562.

  “Women of our generation”: Genevieve Field, “Girl Crazy,” Cookie, August 2008.

  “You have to be concerned”: Louise Lague, “Shopping for a Boy Baby? Ron Ericsson Can Help, but Critics Say He Shouldn’t,” People, September 17, 1984.

  a national survey of future parents: Jaeseon Joo, “Statistical Handbook: Women in Korea 2011,” Korean Women’s Development Institute, 2011.

  HEARTS OF STEEL

  SINGLE GIRLS MASTER THE HOOK-UP

  “Yale’s sexual culture” itself: Bijan Aboutorabi, Eduardo Andino, and Isabel Marin, “Change the Climate, End Sex Week,” Yale Daily News, September 20, 2011.

  In 1988 half of boys: Tara Parker-Pope, “The Kids are More Than All Right,” The New York Times, February 5, 2012.

  Teen pregnancy rates dropped 44 percent: Brady E. Hamilton and Stephanie J. Ventura, “Birth Rates for U.S. Teenagers Reach Historic Lows for All Age and Ethnic Groups,” National Center for Health Statistics, Data Brief No. 89, April 2012. http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/databriefs/db89.pdf.

  “A lot of them”: Kathleen A. Bogle, Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus (New York: New York University Press, 2008): pp. 43–44.

  In 2004, Elizabeth Armstrong: Laura Hamilton and Elizabeth A. Armstrong, “Gendered Sexuality in Young Adulthood: Double Binds and Flawed Options,” Gender & Society 23, no. 5 (2009): 589–616; study results originally published in Elizabeth A. Armstrong, Laura Hamilton, and Brian Sweeney, “Sexual Assault on Campus: A Multilevel, Integrative Approach to Party Rape,” Social Problems 53, no. 4 (2006): 483–499.

  Hakim has identified: Catherine Hakim, Erotic Capital: The Power of Attraction in the Boardroom and the Bedroom (New York: Basic Books, 2011).

  “Properly understood, erotic capital”: Catherine Hakim, “Have You Got Erotic Capital?” Prospect, March 24, 2010.

  people labeled “attractive” earned: Markus M. Mobius and Tanya S. Rosenblat, “Why Beauty Matters,” American Economic Review 96, no. 1 (2006): 222–235.

  “worst sin imaginable”: Meghan Daum, My Misspent Youth: Essays (New York: Open City Books, 2001), p. 20.

  We’ve been taught: Lois P. Frankel, Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office: 101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers (New York: Warner Business Books, 2004), p. 2.

  In 2011, psychologist Roy Baumeister: Ro
y F. Baumeister, “Cultural Variations in the Sexual Marketplace: Gender Equality Correlates with More Sexual Activity,” Journal of Social Psychology 151, no. 3 (2011): 350–360.

  “Societies in which women have lots of autonomy”: Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá, Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality (New York: HarperCollins, 2010), p. 133.

  “Tell it to our mothers”: Helena Andrews, Bitch Is the New Black (New York: HarperCollins, 2010), pp. 6–7.

  More of them turn: Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker, Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate, and Think about Marrying (New York: Oxford University Press, 2011).

  “Erotic capital,” Regnerus writes: Mark Regnerus, “Sex Is Cheap,” Slate, February 25, 2011.

  In their 1983 book: Marcia Guttentag and Paul F. Secord, Too Many Women?: The Sex Ratio Question (Newbury Park, CA: Sage Publications, 1983).

  On the cover of Guyland: Michael Kimmel, Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men (New York: HarperCollins, 2008).