Elegy

by Jane Abbott

  ‘So what do you suggest, Gabe?’ Michael asked. ‘’Cause I’m flat out of ideas right now.’

  ‘I think I’ve bought you some time to get whatever this is under control. If you don’t, the shit’s really going to hit the fan once school starts.’ Gabe told Michael what he’d done, what he’d told Pete to do.

  Michael stared at him. ‘You and Jenny?’

  ‘Not for real,’ Gabe rushed to reassure, not wanting to rile him again. ‘It’s just to keep everyone off your back. Give you the time you need. You know this place – they’ll talk about anything if it’s juicy enough.’

  This time Michael’s grin was easy. ‘Maybe it should be. The two of you, I mean. Maybe it’s time you took out that bet.’

  ‘Don’t even go there, mate.’ And his brother sobered at his tone.

  ‘You know she’ll kill you when she finds out what you’ve done.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Gabe said, and felt a wave of sadness. ‘But better that than having them turn on you and Cait.’

  ‘They’re going to do that, anyway,’ Michael said. ‘Poor Jenny. She can’t catch a break with us, can she?’

  Nope, she really can’t, Gabe thought. ‘They’re already bitching about it,’ he said. ‘All Pete’s going to do is ramp up a few details. Cait told me Jen had a part in this too. So maybe this is it.’ He wondered how many times this had happened, how many others before him had understood and tried to help them. Had anyone?

  ‘And what’s your part?’ Michael asked.

  Gabe met his gaze. ‘To stand by you, no matter what.’

  Michael grasped his arm, closing his hand around it, and Gabe did the same to him. An age-old, bloodless bond.

  ‘Brothers, huh?’

  ‘Always,’ Gabe replied.

  Michael looked away then, but not before Gabe saw tears sheen his eyes.

  He never found time to call Jenny as he’d promised, but in the end it didn’t matter because she phoned him that afternoon. And she was furious.

  ‘Have you heard?’ she began, hysterical.

  Gabe closed his eyes and took a deep breath. After the morning he’d just had, he wasn’t sure he was ready for this. ‘What?’

  ‘Apparently, we’ve been doing it all over town. Some idiot thinks we even did it in your car outside the library. And there’s a photo! It’s sick, Gabe. They’re all so sick! And I bet Pete’s behind it. I thought he was supposed to be a friend?’

  ‘He is,’ Gabe said, thankful he could utter some kind of truth.

  She snorted. ‘Some friend. And you said that what’s-her-name wasn’t your girlfriend. Was that another lie? Because everyone’s saying I’m the world’s biggest bitch for breaking the two of you up.’

  ‘No lie, Jen. We just hooked up a couple of times. That’s it.’

  ‘Yeah? Well, she obviously thought it was more.’ There was a pause while she gathered steam. ‘Jesus, Gabe, I have to live here too, you know.’

  ‘Calm down, okay? Where are you now?’

  ‘Where do you think? I can’t go anywhere without people staring at me. God, if my mother hears the things they’re saying, I’ll never be allowed out again.’

  ‘I’ll be there as soon as I can.’

  ‘Great idea!’ she cried; Gabe winced and held the phone away from his ear. ‘Then they can talk about us doing it on the front lawn! Don’t come here. I don’t want to see you.’

  ‘Tough. I’ll be there soon.’ He hung up before she could reply, and phoned Pete. ‘What the hell? A photo? Where’d that come from?’

  ‘Relax. It’s not her. Photoshop’s a wonderful thing. You look like you’re enjoying yourself, though.’

  ‘Get rid of it,’ Gabe snapped.

  ‘I can’t, it’s already out there. Look, you wanted this and it’s working. No one’s talking about Michael and Cait.’

  ‘What about Casey?’

  ‘Got out this morning, but he’s lying low too. I’m telling you, mate, it’s working.’

  Gabe didn’t say anything. He should have been relieved that the pressure had eased, but all he could hear was the anguish in Jen’s voice.

  ‘Gabe? You still there?’

  ‘Did you have to bring Kathy into it?’

  ‘That wasn’t me. You know how chicks stick together. You’re the prize, mate. You really think they’re going to let you go without a fight?’

  Gabe remembered Paul’s party and what Jenny had told him about Kylie. If she’d thought it was bad then, she had no idea how much worse it was going to get – thanks to him. He rubbed his eyes. ‘Okay, but that’s enough. Leave it with me now.’

  ‘Whatever,’ Pete said, sounding annoyed. ‘You goin’ tonight?’

  ‘Probably not. Keep an ear out, though, and let me know what’s said.’

  ‘Will do.’

  Gabe sat in the ute outside Jenny’s house, steeling himself. The drive was empty. A small bicycle stood propped on the verandah, and the gate was closed, the windows dark and curtained off. In the grey light of the afternoon, the place looked unwelcoming and hostile. He was pretty sure it’d be the same inside. Sighing, he eased out of the car and opened the gate, climbing the few steps of the house slowly. He knocked, but there was no sound from inside. He knocked again, louder, then, fed up, he hammered on the door. ‘Jen, open up!’

  A neighbour came out, curious, and Gabe waved her away, but Jenny’s door remained shut. Walking around to the back, he checked for open windows and thumped on the screen door, rattling it. Finally, he heard the sound of the latch; the door was pulled back and the screen flung wide, almost catching his face. Jen stood there in tracksuit pants, baggy-kneed and shapeless, thick pink socks and a sloppy jumper that might once have been her dad’s. Her hair was a mess and it was obvious she’d been crying.

  ‘I told you not to come here.’

  ‘Laundry day?’ he asked, smiling.

  Her glare was ice, and she turned away, leaving the door open. He followed her through the kitchen, into the living room, watching helplessly while she curled into a corner of the couch and shielded herself behind a huge cushion.

  ‘I’ve spoken to Pete,’ he said, sitting down beside her.

  ‘So?’ she replied, staring at the floor. ‘Too late for that now.’

  ‘Jen, I’m sorry.’

  ‘Why?’ she whispered. ‘Why did he do it? Why me?’

  Gabe took a breath, hating himself, hating the guilt, knowing there was no way to lessen the blow. ‘Because I asked him to.’

  She shrank away, burrowing against the arm of the couch, and it hurt to see it – more than he’d ever thought it would.

  ‘Why?’ she asked again, but it wasn’t a whisper this time. ‘What did I ever do to you, Gabe?’

  ‘You were right about Michael and Cait. And I … Shit, I just wanted to protect them, give them some time. Casey’s been blabbing and people are starting to ask questions. I’m sorry, I never wanted to hurt you.’

  ‘Again, too late.’

  ‘Why the hell didn’t you tell me about seeing Casey at the library?’ Tears fell but she didn’t answer, so he ploughed on. ‘Pete wasn’t the one to start it. Casey’s been telling anyone who’ll listen about seeing you with the condoms, and they’re all jumping to their own conclusions. If you’d told me that night, I could’ve dealt with it.’

  ‘You didn’t have to do anything!’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘What happened to taking it slow? Feeling my way? Huh, Gabe? What happened to that?’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said again, because it was all he had. ‘Really.’

  There was nothing else to say, and they sat together, a million miles apart. A clock ticked somewhere, counting the minutes, and he waited. He’d wait all day if he had to.

  ‘Was the photo your idea too?’ she asked at last, wiping at her face, but still not looking at him.

  ‘No. I had no idea Pete’d do that. I haven’t seen it. Don’t want to.’

  ‘I trusted you.’ She turned to hi
m and the misery in her eyes was a punch to his gut.

  ‘I know, and you still can. Look, this whole thing about you and me has been going for a while now. You said yourself Kylie was bitching about it –’

  ‘Not like this, Gabe. This is so much worse.’

  He tried smiling. ‘Is it? At least now we’re really in it together. They’re talking about us now, not just you.’

  She hiccupped and shook her head. ‘Us? There’s no us.’

  ‘Sure there is. Just not in the way they think.’

  ‘No. There’s you and then there’s me.’ She reached into a pocket and, pulling out her phone, pressed a few buttons before tossing it to him. ‘You want to know what they’re saying about us? Read that.’

  He glanced at the screen and his heart tightened, screwed itself into a ball. The words were crude and cruel. If they were prepared to do this to Jen, he could only imagine what they’d say about Michael and Cait.

  ‘How many of those have you got, Gabe?’ she said. ‘Go on, keep going. There are plenty more just like it.’

  He shut off the message. ‘Get up.’

  ‘Leave me alone.’

  ‘Where are your parents?’ he asked. She chewed at her lip, not replying, and he tried again. ‘Where are they?’

  ‘Out.’

  ‘Right.’ Standing, he searched through her list of contacts and, finding her father’s number, messaged it to himself before handing Jenny’s phone back to her. She was on her feet now too, and he turned his back to call the number.

  ‘What are you doing?’ She made a grab for his phone, but he fended her off.

  ‘Hi. Dr Lawson? It’s Gabe. Listen, I’m in town right now and I was wondering if Jen could come over for dinner tonight?’ Seeing Jenny open her mouth to protest, he frowned a warning. ‘I can drop her back if … Sure. Great. Any time? I mean, is there a curfew or anything?’ Jenny groaned and glared some more, but Gabe ignored her. ‘Okay, great. Might be earlier, anyway. I’ve got a busy week coming up … Yeah, you too. Thanks, Dr Lawson. And you’ve got my number now, so … Yeah. No worries. Bye.’

  He turned back to Jenny with a smile, glad they weren’t in the kitchen, where she’d have access to sharp objects.

  ‘How dare you!’ she yelled. ‘How dare you do that? You had no right!’

  ‘I had every right. This is my fault and I’m going to fix it.’

  ‘How is this fixing it, Gabe? Jesus, just having your car parked outside the house is bad enough. And all that banging on the door? You think that’s helped?’

  He shrugged. ‘Then this won’t make it any worse, will it? Now, get yourself cleaned up. And for God’s sake, put on some decent clothes.’

  ‘I’m not going anywhere with you!’ she said, outraged. ‘This is my house and you can just bugger off!’

  ‘So you can sit here and mope? No chance. The only way I’m leaving is if you come with me. So either do what I say or you can explain to your parents why I’ve moved in.’

  She glared up at him. ‘That’s not even funny.’

  ‘Good, ’cause it wasn’t a joke.’ He pointed to the door. ‘Go. And dress warm – it’s cold out.’

  She sulked all the way to the farm, furious and mutinous and stonily silent. They arrived with a couple of hours to spare before dinner, so he took – almost dragged – her to the one place he knew she couldn’t stay mad, and watched her thaw in the small yard, saw her anger dissolve as she crouched between the calves, smiling at last when they nudged at her and sucked greedily on her fingers. It wasn’t always easy to make Jen laugh, but Gabe reckoned it was always worth the effort.

  She’d changed into jeans that hugged her legs, and a pair of boots with thick socks turned over the tops. Her jacket was more sensible this time and he felt a pang of disappointment that she wouldn’t need him to warm her. Then he scowled and backtracked, because that sort of thinking wouldn’t help anyone. Especially now.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ she asked, wary again.

  ‘Nothing.’ Leaning on the top rail, watching her, he thought about everything that’d happened, about the vicious message he’d read, the one she hadn’t deserved. There are plenty more. You’re the prize, Pete had said. Except Gabe had never set out to be, not really. It was just that it was so easy for him. Girls came and went and they understood the rules – that nothing was for keeps, that it was all a bit of fun. He’d always been upfront about it, and he’d always been amazed how none of them had seemed to mind. But Jen had changed all that.

  She came across and climbed the fence to sit on the rail, but kept her distance. ‘You were right,’ she said. ‘I did need to get out of there. I’m still mad at you, though.’

  He looked up at her, but said nothing. Her phone buzzed in her pocket and she twitched, uneasy again.

  ‘Give it to me,’ he said, holding out his hand. He half expected her to tell him to go to hell, but she dug it out and handed it over.

  ‘I don’t want to know what it says.’

  ‘Neither do I,’ he told her. And tagging every message, every last ugly word, he deleted them all before giving the phone back to her. ‘They’re only words, Jen. Sticks and stones, remember?’

  ‘I know, but words can hurt too, especially when they’re not true.’

  He moved closer. ‘Would it make it any better if they were?’

  She glared down at him, then looked away. ‘No.’

  ‘No.’ Another pang.

  ‘So. Michael and Caitlin.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Jen. I told you I’d do anything to help them.’ He made no attempt to excuse himself, or them.

  ‘I never thought you meant this.’ Her accusation was bitter. ‘You said you’d be there for me too, Gabe. What happened to that?’

  ‘I’m here now.’

  She wouldn’t look at him. ‘How long have they – you know?’

  ‘A few days. Started when they were fencing, I think.’

  ‘Yes,’ she muttered, and he knew she was thinking back to Friday.

  ‘Let’s talk about something else,’ he suggested. ‘Way too much angst going on here.’

  ‘What would you know about angst?’

  He shrugged. ‘Read it somewhere.’

  She sighed, and stared at the calves. ‘They’re perfect, aren’t they?’ she said, rounding the corner and taking that first step. ‘I mean, I know they’re going to grow up into big ugly beasts, but right now they’re perfect.’

  ‘Such a motherly nature you have,’ he remarked, and she finally laughed. It was soft, not the laugh he was used to but bright enough. Warm and honeyed. Gabe was glad to hear it.

  ‘You know what I mean,’ she said.

  ‘Sure. But I don’t see cows as ugly. They’re beautiful in their own way, and strong. And they’re a damned sight more useful than most people I know.’

  ‘In India they’re sacred.’

  ‘That’s just a waste of good beef.’

  ‘Why cows?’ she asked. ‘Why not keep sheep or goats? Horses, even?’

  Gabe smiled. ‘Cattle are better.’

  ‘Will you have cows at your own place?’ Her voice had become brittle again, but Gabe ignored it.

  ‘Sure. What about you? Where do you see yourself in ten years?’ he asked her, doing what he’d told her not to and making it about her again. In times like this, it couldn’t hurt.

  ‘I don’t know. Definitely not here, that’s for sure. Uni first, then travel, hopefully. Get a job, find a guy. The usual thing, I guess.’ She grimaced. ‘Stupid, isn’t it?’

  ‘No,’ Gabe said slowly. ‘It’s life.’

  ‘You’re thinking about them again, aren’t you?’ she asked, and a little of her bitterness was back.

  ‘Yeah.’ It was becoming a habit.

  ‘What are you most worried about?’

  ‘Probably the same thing you are.’ He held her gaze. ‘Why don’t you tell me what happened with Casey that night at the library?’

  She gnawed on her bottom lip for a minute. �
�He said we were all going to pay for what Michael did.’

  ‘Is that all?’

  She shook her head, but it took her a while to find the words. When she did, they poured out. ‘He said to tell you that when you came looking for him, he’d be ready. I couldn’t tell you. I knew you’d go after him, and … I don’t know, Gabe, there’s something not right with him. You weren’t there.’

  ‘Did he hurt you?’ When she looked away, he swore. ‘I’m sorry, Jen. Sorry you got mixed up in this whole mess.’

  She gripped the fence tightly. ‘Seems to be what I do – get mixed up in other people’s messes.’

  Reaching over, he rubbed her hand. ‘It’ll be okay.’

  She hung her head and started to cry again. Gabe had no idea one person could hold that many tears. ‘I think he’s going to leave,’ she sobbed. ‘I mean, we gave up everything so they could make it work, but he’s so unhappy. He’s going to leave us, Gabe, and I don’t want to stay here. Not with Mum. Not on my own.’

  Gabe pulled her down from the fence and turned her to face him, crushing her to his chest. He felt her arms slip around his waist. ‘Shh. You won’t be on your own. You’ve got Chris, and I’ll be here. Always. I promise.’

  But that just made her cry harder and he let her, holding her. She sniffed and rubbed her face on his jacket. He breathed in the scent of her hair – like apples, crisp and sweet and clean.

  ‘I hate him,’ she muttered. ‘I hate them both.’

  ‘I know, but one day you won’t.’ He squeezed her and they stood like that for a while, in the wind, in the dusk, until he felt her wriggle and let her pull away.

  ‘You hungry?’ he asked, smoothing back her hair.

  She shrugged and patted at her face. Mascara stains had given her panda eyes; the rest of it was pale, deathly. ‘Do I look awful?’

  Gabe smiled. ‘You look beautiful.’

  ‘Liar.’

  ‘Yeah. But don’t worry, I’ve seen worse.’

  She tugged at him. ‘Promise me you won’t go after Casey? I only told you because it’s over. Please don’t do anything stupid.’