The Politically Incorrect Guide to the British Empire

by H. W. Crocker, III

  Today, it is the British Empire rather than the United Nations that still provides the unacknowledged, unspoken standard by which most observers measure a country’s success. If we say that Canada, Australia, and the United States are generally successful countries, we say so because they have followed the British model of liberty and free commerce. If we judge a country like Zimbabwe a failure we do so not because it is governed contrary to the majority of countries in the United Nations and not because it is governed contrary to African traditions but because it is governed contrary to British laws and traditions—even as it maintains a pretense of following them. Zimbabwean judges wear wigs and go through the motions of upholding the legal model inherited from Britain. Zimbabwe holds parliamentary elections even if the outcome is preordained and ensured by intimidation and violence. The very fact that the Zimbabwean government maintains a semblance of British institutions is testimony that the British legal and political model has legitimacy in public opinion.

  There is another point to be made—and that is simply that the British Empire, for all its occasional missteps and outrages, was a global, Shakespearean stage on which Britons could take part in a glorious adventure, playing Hotspur to headhunters and Henry V to Hottentots. If that sounds boyish, it is meant to, because the Empire was boyish; it trained boys to its tasks in schools of self-denial, cold dirty baths, bad food, long runs, stiff upper lips, the imperial languages of Greek and Latin, “playing the game,” and embracing the ideal of service. It was an advanced form of commercial, military, and political outdoor recreation for Boy Scouts (themselves a creation of the British Empire). Young men, straight out of school, could find themselves in distant lands acting as lawgivers to primitive tribes and dangerous brigands; they were men of conservative sentiments, liberal ideals, and boyish pluck. In the famous observation of George Santayana,Instinctively the Englishman is no missionary, no conqueror...he travels and conquers without a settled design, because he has the instinct of exploration. His adventures are all external; they change him so little that he is not afraid of them. He carries his English weather in his heart wherever he goes, and it becomes a cool spot in the desert, and a steady and sane oracle amongst all the deliriums of mankind. Never since the heroic days of Greece has the world had such a sweet, just, boyish master. It will be a black day for the human race when scientific blackguards, conspirators, churls, and fanatics manage to supplant him.8

  Alas that day is here, ushered in by United Nations bureaucrats, liberal internationalists, native kleptocrats, liberated Islamists, and Third World Communists and National Socialists, all of whom emerged as Europe’s empires retreated. The retreat of the British Empire was not progress—either for Western Civilization or in many cases for the countries achieving independence. In the case of Africa, certainly, independence has meant a dramatic, chartable economic regression relative to the rest of the world—not to mention savage wars and famines that imperial powers could have prevented or contained. There have been some independence success stories—not just the United States, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia, but Singapore, Hong Kong, and, it appears, India, South Africa, and Malaysia, and perhaps a few other locales where the vision of Britain’s empire-builders might yet be fulfilled. Many a Briton thought it his duty, in the words of the scholars Lewis H. Gann and Peter Duignan, “to carry civilization, humanity, peace, good government, and Christianity to the ends of the earth.”9 That duty still exists for those who want it, and perhaps it would repay our study to see how Britain’s imperialists actually did it.

  A 7-Step Timeline of British Imperialism

  1. Twelfth Century: Henry II, armed with the authority of the pope (an Englishman as it turns out) and armed in traditional fashion as well, attempts to bring English civilization to Ireland, a process still underway nearly a millennium later.

  2. Fifteenth Century: First English voyages of exploration to reach North America led by that redoubtable Englishman John Cabot, better known as Giovanni Caboto of Genoa (though he did sail from Bristol under the royal authority of Henry VII of England).

  3. Sixteenth Century: English ships begin trading on the coast of Africa, and enter the slave trade. Sir Francis Drake attempts to impress the benefits of free trade upon Spain’s colonies in the New World by plundering them. Sir Walter Raleigh fails to establish a lasting colony in North America.

  4. Seventeenth Century: Spain’s education continues at the hands of the likes of Morgan the pirate. English planters move into the Caribbean. England grants charters for colonists in North America. The East India Company sets up shop in India.

  5. Eighteenth Century: Britain acquires New France (Quebec) in the French and Indian War, removing a great threat from the American colonists. Britain asks the colonists to help pay for the war—which of course amounts to tyranny—and rather than pay taxes, the Americans drive the red-coated tax collectors from their shores, and then pay higher taxes to their own government. Canada is willing to pay taxes to Britain and stays in the Empire. The British East India Company proves so efficient that it ends up ruling large swaths of India.

  6. Nineteenth Century: Britain bans slavery and the slave trade and sets the Royal Navy to war against the slavers. Britain establishes anti-slavery bases in Africa and the Gulf States. The empire expands into the Far East through enterprising young Englishmen of the likes of Stamford Raffles and James Brooke. Britain takes responsibility for India from the East India Company. Britain becomes responsible for the government of Egypt and the operation of the Suez Canal (built by the French). South Africa becomes a major British interest and mining magnate Cecil Rhodes dreams, and helps to achieve, a British Empire in Africa that stretches from Cape to Cairo.

  7. Twentieth Century: Britain wins two World Wars, helps create the modern Middle East out of the wreck of the Ottoman Empire, and after 1945 beats a relatively hasty retreat from India. In 1956, the United States, out of anti-imperialist prejudice, backs the anti-Western Egyptian dictator Gamal Abdel Nasser against wartime allies Britain and France during the Suez Crisis, encouraging further European retreat and further aggression by Nasserite pan-Arabist radicals who topple the pro-Western government of formerly British Iraq. Britain shows how to defeat Communist insurgents through a campaign of “hearts and minds” (and anti-terrorist patrols by Gurkhas, native headhunters, and British troops) in Malaya. Britain defeats the murderous Mau-Mau cult before granting independence to Kenya. In 1982, Britain shows that imperial retreat has its limits by defeating Argentine aggression in the Falkland Islands.

  But before we do that, let’s imagine what life would be like today if the Empire were still largely intact; let’s think of the way things could have been.

  Chapter 2

  MR. POTTER’S EMPIRE

  Transport yourself to the flat of Algernon Braithwaite-Burke Potter in Knightsbridge SW3 London. Still dressed in his pajamas (another Hindi word), he has enjoyed a rather long night on the town. He has put the kettle on for tea and is stooping to pick up the post and the papers scattered on the floor just beneath the mail slot.

  At his home in the country he has help, but here in his London flat he is the consummate self-sufficient bachelor. He is used to making sacrifices and saying to himself: “There’s a war on, after all.” He isn’t quite sure where, but there is always a small war on somewhere—the price one pays for the benefits of the greater Pax Anglicana.

  Mr. Potter tosses the post aside on the breakfast table and unfolds the papers—The Times and The Telegraph, and out of noblesse oblige, to know what the lower orders are thinking or, more accurately, to know what page three girl they’re ogling, The Sun (which he does not receive in the country; he doesn’t want to scandalize the servants). He prefers his papers ironed to crisp folds in the morning, but without help he has to make do.

  The Telegraph holds pride of place. Let’s see: on the front page, British Palestine. How tiresome. It must have seemed awfully clever, no doubt, in 1945, when Winston came up with the wheez
e of offering guaranteed jobs and free housing allotments for skilled laborers in uniform—who were promised early release from the service—if they agreed to emigrate to “the New Jerusalem,” Palestine, which Churchill reorganized as a self-governing dominion. The offer was extended to coal miners in Wales, longshoremen in Liverpool, and low-wage workers in Scotland who were promised settlements on the sunny Mediterranean coast of Palestine (“live in the Holy Land while holidaying at the seaside”). In short order, there was an amazing exodus of some three million likely Labour voters—demobbed soldiers, colliery workers, and Glaswegian slum dwellers—who came off the voting rolls in Britain and put a Labour government in power in Jerusalem, a government pledged to nationalizing industries that Palestine did not yet have.

  By that bit of electoral legerdemain, wily Winston ensured a skin-of-the-teeth Conservative victory in 1945, foiled Labour’s plans to grant India independence, and stifled the development of socialism at home. But oh at what a cost! An endless parade of newspaper stories about Palestine grinding to a halt, with national strikes by Arab taxi drivers; or about skinheads refusing to attend the World Cup (to be played in Jerusalem) unless the authorities lifted the ban on alcohol and pork pies (“Let them eat falafel,” said Mordecai Gizzo, the chairman of the Palestinian Football Association); or about Zionists trying to annex the Gaza Strip out of the hands of admittedly frightful retirees from Birmingham, Manchester, and Leeds. Who was it that said the British Empire was a vast system of outdoor relief for the upper classes? He certainly got that wrong! Dreadful.

  Oh dear, what else is going on? Let’s see, in Iraq, the Anglo-American authorities had arrested one Saddam Hussein, mob boss of the Baathist syndicate involved in narcotics, prostitution, and pornography. Fed up with his recidivism, they had turned him over to a local tribal council . . . and apparently the less said about that the better.

  In Anglo-American Iran, the shah was hosting the latest French fashion designers (well, since we had the oil, we had to allow the French something) for “Catwalk Tehran.” The shah was promoting Tehran as something like a Paris sur la Caspian (Tehran, of course, was not actually on the Caspian, but one had to make allowances). The theme of Catwalk Tehran, at which famous British models were appearing, was “Lifting the Veil of Eastern Mystery.” It appeared from The Telegraph’s photographs that veils were not all they were lifting. My goodness....

  Turn the page. Ah Rhodesia, the farmland of Africa, bursting with produce, sponsoring an Imperial Agricultural Exhibition, with farmers, ranchers, and tea planters from all over British Africa and the world... which reminded Mr. Potter that he needed to pop over to Harrods for some Kenyan beef that he planned to wash down with that new Cape Pinotage he had bought. Always something new out of Africa.

  Oh well done! The Australians were whacking holy hell out of India in the test match—and served them right too. He didn’t like the behavior of some of these new Indian cricketers; lying down on the pitch, Gandhi-style, to protest decisions from the umpires. Disgraceful. If they can’t behave like gentlemen, well then....

  Let’s see, Asian news: Hong Kong’s borders had expanded yet again; having annexed all of Guangdong, Guangxi, Fujian, Jiangxi, Hunan, and Hainan, it had now grabbed Zhejiang and Jiangsu, the provinces bordering Shanghai. The Dalai Lama in British Tibet was hosting a rock concert, of all things—trendy vicars apparently weren’t just an Anglican phenomenon. And the governor of British Singapore, in a friendly bit of rivalry, pledged that Singapore would displace Hong Kong as the chief entrepôt of the Far East. Well, it looked as though he had his work cut out for him.

  In the Americas, Britain and the United States were conducting joint naval operations in the Caribbean and South Atlantic. Jamaica was debating whether its police force should be armed given the slight uptick in crime, caused largely it seemed by a small group of drug-addled ghetto dwellers who worshipped as a divinity an obscure American radio show host named Rusty Humphries—these of course were the Rustyfarians, and they had gone on sprees of burglary to buy radios with which to tune in to their god, who kept them abreast of American political news. The Falkland Islanders, meanwhile, were hosting an International Southern Hemisphere Highland Games competition, which included the rarely performed event of speed-castrating sheep—a competition dominated by the Australians, who weren’t called “diggers” for nothing.

  And then, of course, there was Ireland. Ireland, it had to be confessed, remained in the Empire largely by force. It was essentially self-governing, but foreign policy belonged to Westminster, which retained an inveterate suspicion of the Emerald Isle (too many Irish politicians had taken a shine to the kaiser in 1914, Hitler in 1939, and later the egregious Yasser Arafat of the Palestinian Republican Army—who had worn a green-checked keffiyeh “in solidarity with the oppressed masses of Ireland”). Britain’s role was to restrain Irish excesses (save for those related to drink) and encourage the sport of hurling (mandatory in all Irish schools) so that running around the green fields of Ireland bashing each other’s brains out would be the favored recreation of most Irishmen, keeping them well out of trouble. Ireland remained a wonderful recruiting ground for the Army. In fact, the latest news from Ireland was that the Army was expanding to create a new Irish Regiment, Prince Charles’s Own Tipperary Armored Cavalry (or Tipplers in Tanks).

  And speaking of tipplers, he had tickets to tonight’s NFL Europe game at Wembley: the London Monarchs versus the Amsterdam Admirals. The game was sponsored by Morgan’s Rum, and every adult patron was entitled to one shot of rum, which to Mr. Potter’s mildly hungover taste buds sounded like just the ticket. He had done a stint of his own in the Royal Navy and was absolutely certain that every Briton had a bit of the pirate in him. Well-intentioned pirates, needless to say, like Gilbert and Sullivan’s pirate king: loyal to the Crown and the house of peers, and ever ready to liberate wealth, territory, and the occasional future page three girl from the unworthy. It had been mostly Spaniards in the old days, though it could just as easily be Frogs, or lesser breeds without the law. That was how it all began, after all, with a nation of sea dogs taking to their ships to pillage and plunder—and yes, plant, patrol, and persevere—for King and Country, God and glory, gold and gammon.

  Part II

  NORTH AMERICA

  Chapter 3

  CALLING THE NEW WORLD INTO EXISTENCE TO REDRESS THE BALANCE OF THE OLD1

  They were in Mexican waters, the harbor of San Juan Ulúa, when they spotted a dangerous Spanish flotilla—thirteen ships laden with guns and men. The Englishmen, led by John Hawkins and Francis Drake, were trapped; and they had reason to expect trouble. Hawkins had captured slaves in West Africa and sold them and other goods to Spanish colonists in the New World, enforcing free trade in the Spanish Caribbean at the barrel of a gun, burning and pillaging when local Spanish officials tried to follow Spanish law and not trade with foreigners. Now it looked as though the Spaniards might seek vengeance.

  * * *

  Did you know?

  Protestant Pirates founded the British Empire in the New World

  The American colonists were not anti-imperialists; they rebelled because they wanted an empire of their own

  The British Empire still exists in the Americas

  * * *

  The Englishmen were repairing their ships when the flotilla came into view. Aboard the Spanish flagship was the new viceroy of Mexico, Don Martin Enriquez. The viceroy agreed to let the Englishmen finish their repairs and buy what supplies they needed. The Spanish ships laid anchor alongside them. It was, of course, a ruse, one that Hawkins sniffed out—but in the blazing battle, Spanish cannons, arquebuses, pistols, knives, and cutlasses cut down three hundred Englishmen. Five English ships were sunk or captured. Only two ships remained, the Judith, under Francis Drake, which made a quick skedaddle for England, and the Minion, overloaded with survivors, one of whom was Hawkins. Doomed with so many men and so few provisions aboard, he dropped a hundred men on the shores of Texas, where most a
ll of them died or were captured. One sailor made it back to England sixteen years later after adventures worthy of an Errol Flynn hero.

  An Empire of Liberty

  Drake later used the Battle of San Juan de Ulúa (1568), part of England’s running war of piracy against Spain, to justify his every outrage against the perfidious papists. The Spaniards, however, had good reason to feel put out. They followed the rules, more or less. They established their colonies in the New World and used them to enrich themselves and the treasury of their country. They kept to the true faith, and though not Biblical literalists like the Protestants, they did not see how piracy could be squared with the commandment: “Thou shalt not steal.”

  The Englishmen, though pirates, knew right was on their side. The Protestantism of England was a unique thing. It was a state church that tried, even if it failed, to accommodate everyone. It was Calvinist enough to justify an Englishman in thinking that he was one of the elect—certainly over any papist. It was broadminded enough that, whatever persecutions were leveled against Catholics and Dissenters (and against the former in particular, the sanctions were severe), it allowed, up to a point, a man to fill in the details of his creed as he saw fit (every man his own priest). It required on the one hand that one not take religion very seriously—or how could one square the idea that kings made better religious authorities than popes—while on the other hand it imbued the people with an enormous sense of self-righteousness, which however annoying to outsiders is a great strength to a nation: no man is more certain of being on the side of liberalism, reason, and tolerance than the man who has invented his own creed against the presumed bigotry, repression, and superstition of an old one.