Special Delivery (1997)

by Steel, Danielle

  And as she lay in bed, watching Oprah, she heard it.

  She thought it was a bird at first, or a cat, and then she began to panic. She thought it might be a burglar, checking to see if anyone was home. She was going to call 911, and then she decided to go to her bathroom window and see if she could see someone by peeking through the curtains. She tiptoed into the other room, holding her panic button to the security system, and then she saw him. He looked terrible, and he was still tapping on her window.

  She opened the bathroom window then, and stuck her head out. What are you doing? She looked as bad as he did. She hadn't bothered to comb her hair in days, it was just pulled back and stuffed into an elastic, and she hadn't worn makeup since she last saw him. Stop that! she shouted at him. You're going to break the window.

  Then let me in, he said, smiling at her. It was so good to see her, but she only shook her head. She looked miserable, and he thought her face looked a little fuller. She actually looked very pretty.

  I don't want to see you, she said, slamming the window shut, and he came to stand at the bathroom window then, and they looked at each other through the windowpanes. She couldn't believe how much she still loved him, and how glad she was to see him. She hated herself for it. Go away! she mouthed, making shooing gestures, but he pressed his face against the glass and made terrible faces, and in spite of herself, she laughed at him.

  Come on, Amanda, please. He begged her, and she thought about it for a minute, and then disappeared. He had no idea what she was doing. But a minute later, she came through the back door, barefoot and wearing a nightgown. His heart leapt when he saw her.

  What time do you go to bed now? It was four in the afternoon, and he remembered the nightgown, though with him, she hadn't worn them often.

  I went to bed two weeks ago. And I've been there ever since, eating ice cream and watching Oprah, I'm going to become fat and disgusting and I don't give a damn, she said as he followed her into her kitchen. And then she turned to look at him. There was something so vulnerable in her eyes that it touched him to his very soul, and he wondered again how he could have been stupid enough to leave her. Why did you come to see me? she asked, with a ravaged look that tore his heart out.

  Because I love you, and I'm a moron ' and Gladdie made me. He smiled sheepishly as he said it. She said no one can stand me. I've been pretty awful. Why didn't you return my phone calls? He looked hurt when he asked her and she shrugged and opened the freezer.

  Do you want some ice cream? she asked distractedly. It was becoming an obsession, and it amused him. It reminded him of eating ice cream with her in bed. Their favorite flavor was coffee. All I have left is vanilla.

  That's pathetic. Have you eaten anything else for the last two weeks? he asked with a look of concern, and she shook her head as she dished up two bowls of vanilla. That's not good for the baby.

  What do you care? She looked him straight in the eye as she said it. That's a little hypocritical, isn't it? Since you wanted me to kill it. She handed him the bowl and they both sat down at the kitchen table.

  I didn't want you to kill it. I was just trying to preserve my sanity, and our life ' at your expense. ' He finished sadly. I was an asshole. I'm sorry, Amanda. He pushed the bowl of ice cream away, and just sat across the table from her as she watched him. I was just so shocked, I didn't expect that. It was the understatement of all time and she smiled at him.

  Neither did I. At one blow, she had lost the man and gained the baby, neither of which she either wanted or expected. I'm so sorry, Jack. He reached across the table and took her hand in his.

  It's not your fault ' not entirely anyway' . He knew she hadn't misled him. It had never occurred to either of them, not with any seriousness at least, that she might get pregnant. They had just dismissed it. How are you feeling?

  Fat, she laughed. I must have gained five pounds eating ice cream.

  You don't look it. But there was a softness about her face, a different light in her eyes. He remembered that about his ex-wife when she'd been pregnant with their kids. There was a kind of glow about her. You look beautiful.

  It must be the hairdo. She smiled sadly. Just seeing him like this reminded her of how much she missed him. She still didn't know why he had come to see her, and she assumed it was so they could part without hard feelings. At least it was a cleaner way to do it. And maybe one day, in spite of himself, he'd come to see the baby.

  I don't suppose you'd want to go out to dinner with me ' maybe to 31 Flavors, or Ben & Jerry's? he asked, looking sheepish.

  Why? What was the point now?

  Because I miss you. I've been completely crazy for the past two weeks. It's a wonder Gladdie didn't leave me.

  I haven't been so great either. I just sleep all day, and eat ice cream. And cry at daytime television.

  I wish I'd been here.

  So do I, she said softly, and looked away from him. It was almost too painful to see him, as he stood up and walked around the table.

  I love you, Amanda ' I want to come back, if you'll have me. I promise I won't be a jerk about this. I'll do whatever you want. You can have the baby. I'll buy it shoes. I'll buy you ice cream. I just don't want to lose you. There were tears in his eyes as he said it, and she looked up at him, unable to believe what she was hearing.

  Do you mean that?

  About the ice cream? I swear it ' yes, I mean it. I'm not going to leave you alone to go through this. I think you're crazy, but I love you, and it's my baby too, God help me. Just don't laugh at me when I get confused and push the stroller into the traffic because my Alzheimer's is out of control. Get me a nurse if I need one.

  I'll get you anything you want, she said as she stood up and he took her in his arms, and held her. I love you so much. I thought I would die without you.

  Me too, he said, and pulled her closer. God, Amanda ' I don't want to lose you. And then, looking worried about it, he asked her if she thought they should get married.

  You don't have to do that, she said, shaking her head as they walked slowly toward her bedroom. I don't expect it.

  No, but maybe the kid does. Maybe we should ask him.

  Maybe it's a girl.

  Let's not talk about it. You're making me nervous. So are we getting married? He was prepared to do right by her, whatever it took him, but she surprised him.

  Let's not. We don't have to. There's no law that says we have to be married. Maybe later. Let's see how it goes with us.

  You're very modern, Mrs. Kingston.

  No, I just love you. They were in her bedroom by then and he had his arms around her and he was kissing her. He was back, and she was never going to let him go now, and before they knew it, her nightgown was on the floor, with his clothes, and they were in bed where they had first made love, and where they had probably conceived their baby. It was his bed now, theirs, not Matthew's, or anyone else's. And as he made love to her, he knew with utter certainty, how much he loved her.

  And as they lay in each other's arms that night, they talked about what they were going to do, and how they were going to tell their children.

  I can hardly wait, he laughed. If you thought the last dinner was bad, wait for this one. She had to laugh about it too. It was all you could do. And then she turned to him with a smile and asked him how much he loved her. More than you'll ever know, more than life itself. Why? What did you have in mind?

  I was just wondering if you loved me enough to get me a bowl of ice cream. He looked at her and laughed, and propped himself up on one elbow.

  Maybe we should just move the freezer into the bedroom.

  That's a great idea. She laughed at him, and he kissed her again, and it was a while before either of them remembered the ice cream.

  Chapter Ten

  This time they decided not to delude themselves, and pretend that their children were going to be happy for them. And Amanda decided, when she planned it with Jack, not to make dinner for them. They were going to invite them over for co
cktails. It was going to be short and to the point, and probably horrible. But they were going to tell their children collectively that she was pregnant. And then the roof would fall in. But at least this time they both expected it.

  Everyone arrived at six-fifteen. Julie was sweet when she came in, both Jan and Louise were tense, and Paul was more pleasant than usual to his father. They had already discussed it amongst themselves, and they were braced for it. They figured that Jack and Amanda were telling them they were getting married. They weren't pleased about it, and Louise had already said she was going to try to talk her out of it. But at least they knew what to expect now.

  They all sat down in the living room. Jack served drinks. He poured himself a Scotch, and the others drank wine. Amanda had nothing. And Louise had water. And she decided to take the bull by the horns while the others waited politely.

  Okay, she said, looking glib, when's the wedding?

  It isn't, Amanda said calmly. We're not getting married. Not for the moment anyway. We've decided to wait. But we wanted you to know, I'm pregnant. You could have heard a pin drop in the room, and Louise turned the color of chalk as she stared at her mother.

  Tell me you're joking. It's April Fools' and I forgot to look at my calendar. Tell me you didn't say that.

  I did. It came as a shock to us too. But there it is. There's no point hiding from it. It's due in October. She glanced over at Jack and he gave her thumbs-up. She was doing fine, and it took a full five minutes for it to hit them.

  I take it you're not having an abortion. As usual, Louise was the spokesperson for the two sisters. Jan had been shocked into silence. And this time, even Julie was quiet. Paul was looking daggers at his father.

  No, I'm not having an abortion. We discussed it, she said, skimming the truth a bit, but I don't want to. At my age, this is kind of a gift, and I want to keep it. I know how difficult this will be for all of you, and it stunned me too. But there it is, guys ' I'm human. There were tears in her eyes, and Jack walked across the room and sat down next to her and put an arm around her.

  I think your mother has a lot of courage. A lot of women her age wouldn't do this.

  I think my mother has a screw loose, Louise said as she stood up and signaled to her husband, who got up absently. You're nuts, Mom. I think you're both senile. You'll go to any lengths to embarrass us. I don't even want to think what Daddy would say about this. It's beyond thinking.

  Well, Louise, he's not here to think anything about it. This is my life, Amanda said calmly.

  And ours, for all you care about it. But before she had even finished her sentence, they all heard Jan sobbing, and she was on her feet too, and looking at her mother with hatred.

  I can't believe you'd do this to me, Mom. I can't have a baby, so you show off to everyone that you can still have one. How cruel is that? And how rotten? How could you do this to us? It was obvious from the look on Paul's face that he agreed with his wife completely. Both of Amanda's children and their spouses started to leave without saying another word, and Jan was distraught and leaning against her husband. Amanda tried to go to her, but Paul stopped her.

  Why don't you leave us alone for once, and just keep all your good news to yourselves for a change? What do you want from us? Blood? Congratulations? Well, screw you both. How do you think Jan is feeling?

  I can see how she's feeling, Paul, Amanda said with tears running down her face. The last thing on earth I wanted to do was hurt her. But this happened to us. It's our lives, and our problem, and our baby.

  Well, good luck with it. And don't invite us to the christening, Dad. He glanced at Jack with open fury. We're not coming. The door slammed rapidly behind them, and Amanda cried in Jack's arms, as Julie watched them. She was quiet this time, and when Amanda settled down, she spoke to both of them. But it was obvious that she was still startled.

  I'm sorry, Dad. I'm sorry for both of you. This can't be easy. But it's hard for us too. It's kind of a big leap for all of us. But who knows, maybe in the end it will be a blessing. I hope so.

  So do I, Jack said softly, looking at Amanda. She had certainly taken a tough route when she made her decision, but she knew that. And they had expected it to be rough when they told the children. Julie and her husband left quietly. And Jack and Amanda sat staring at each other in silence.

  You knew it would be like this, he said gently.

  I know. she sniffed. But you always hope it won't be. You always think they'll jump up and throw their arms around you, like they did when they were kids, little kids, and tell you how much they love you, and it's okay, and they think you're terrific. Instead, they're always passing judgment, and angry at you, and think that whatever it is you're doing is wrong and you did it to hurt them. It's as if your only function in life, as a parent, is to exist in whatever way they want you. Anything different, or out of the ordinary, or inconvenient, just makes them angry. Why is it that children, however old they are, never have compassion for their parents?

  Maybe we don't deserve it, he said, looking tired. Maybe they just think we're selfish. And we are sometimes. But we have a right to that. We give them so much when they're little, and when we think it's finally our turn, they turn around and tell us it isn't. We don't have a turn. As far as they're concerned, we're on their time. I think you just have to do what you're doing, and make your own life. If they can live with it, fine. If they can't, let them deal with it. We can't give up the rest of our lives for our children. The only thing that depresses me is that we're about to do it all over again. I'm going to slide right into the sunset with some little shit telling me what an asshole I am, and how I ruined his life because I'm still sleeping with his mother. And believe me, I will be. I plan to be making love to you until they put me away with a shovel, and if you ever get pregnant again, next time, I swear I'll never sleep with you again. I want you on birth control pills till you're eighty. She couldn't help laughing at what he said, some of it was so true. One's children always seem to think that you owe them everything, and they owe you nothing. It was an interesting concept.

  I felt so bad for Jan, she said solemnly. What she had said had been so agonized and so painful.

  So did I. Paul looked as though he wanted to kill me. It's as though we did this so I could prove my virility and make him look bad. Christ, I would do anything to see them have a baby.

  So would I, she said, and then to take their minds off all of it, he took her to dinner. But for the moment, they had given up Thai food. Amanda couldn't even think about it without getting heartburn.

  And that night, they lay in bed and talked for a long time. Jack fell asleep eventually, but Amanda didn't. She got up and made some hot milk, and drank chamomile tea, but her mind seemed to be whirling. She kept thinking about Jan and what she had said. Amanda slept fitfully all night, and the next day, she looked at Jack mournfully over breakfast.

  I have something to say to you, she said, and he glanced up at her. She looked tired.

  Are you okay? He always worried about her, and now he worried about the baby. This was just what he hadn't wanted.

  I'm fine, she reassured him. But she didn't look it. She looked awful. I had an idea last night.

  In your condition that could be dangerous. You probably want me to buy out Haagen-Dazs, or Ben & Jerry's.

  I'm serious.

  So am I. I'm buying stock in the companies. You are the single biggest consumer of ice cream west of the Rockies. She had already gained eight pounds and was barely three months pregnant. Okay, okay, I'll be serious. What is it?

  She started to cry before she even told him, and he realized instantly that it was serious. But she talked about Jan and Paul and what they had said the night before, and how greatly it had pained her.

  Sweetheart, it upset me too. But there's nothing we can do about it. They just have to see what happens, and keep trying.

  Maybe not. That was my idea. You didn't want this baby anyway, Jack. And maybe we are too old. Maybe this is the grea
test gift we can give them. Maybe this is why it happened. I want to give them the baby. He looked stunned when she said it.

  Are you serious? You want to give them the baby? She nodded as she cried, and he put his arms around her.

  I don't think you should do that. This is your baby. Our baby. It would be so hard for you to give it up once you had it.

  I don't care. I want to do this for Jan, and for Paul. Will you let me?

  You can do anything you want. It's an extraordinary thing to do, and people will talk about it. But who gives a damn? If that's what you want, and what they want, then do it.

  I wanted to ask you first.

  He nodded. I think it's the greatest gift you can give them, and since Paul is so opposed to adoption, it certainly solves the issue of the genes. I just want you to be sure you can do it.

  I know I can. I want to. If it's all right with you, I want to talk to her this morning. Will you call Paul?

  All right, I'll take him to lunch. If he'll see me.

  I'll have Jan call him after I talk to her, and tell him this is important.

  You're an amazing woman, sweetheart. And full of surprises and rare gifts. He was still amazed by her when he left for the store that morning. She didn't even bother to call Jan. She drove to her house before she left for the gallery, and Jan was so surprised, in spite of her resistance, she opened the door to her mother. And when Amanda told her what she had in mind, the two women sat and cried. At first Jan was shocked, and didn't want to do it, but after Amanda talked to her for a while, she wanted it very badly.

  Would you really do that for me, Mom?

  Yes, I would, Amanda said firmly, drying her eyes, and smiling at her daughter. I'd like nothing better.

  What if you change your mind? Or Jack does?

  We won't. If we give you our word, we'll do it. This is something we both want to do. Very much. I hope you'll let us.

  I'll talk to Paul. Jan looked excited as she ran to the telephone, and was surprised to learn that Jack had already called him, and Paul already had some vague idea as to why his father wanted to see him. Jan explained the rest to him, and there were tears in his eyes as he listened.