Pansy

by Charles Hayes

  “Well, if they did, many of the guys in my outfit would face criminal charges.” Randy kicked a stone down the path.

  “Put it out of your mind.”

  “That’s the one thing I can’t do. In one of those books Mandy gave me, this psychologist Steven Pinker says that reading is a technology for perspective taking. Jesus, he’s right about that, but perspective is what you should bring to the battlefield, not wait till after it's over.”

  “Yeah, but if that were the case, there wouldn’t likely be wars," said Ed.

  "But Jesus Christ, wouldn't that sort of be the whole point?"

  “Yeah, I suppose it would. But in any case, Randy, you sound like you've done enough thinking on your own to work everything out. I’m betting you’re going to put this behind you. Am I right?”

  “God, I hope so. I can't get the word eternal out of my head after Mandy brought it up in the book title. Isn't the idea of an eternal moral order based on the sustainability of all life the most glaring thing that's missing from the world? I mean, until you know human history the way Pinker describes it, you can’t possibly appreciate how lucky we are to be alive today and not a thousand years ago."

  "Randy, Mandy,” said Ed, “are the two of you going to be ganging up on me from now on?" He turned quickly away so that Randy couldn't see the broad grin on his face.

  "I don't know about that,” said Randy, “but I've got some books you should read."

  "There will be time for reading once that old grizzly is dead. We still have to make time for him before Mandy and I leave here."

  "I can take care of him."

  "Not by yourself, you don't."

  Suspicions

  Tonight there wasn't much of a crowd. Randy and Nadia were seated in the back of the steakhouse restaurant near a window and in a position where he could see everyone who entered. It was his habit to do this from his military training. Even though he was no longer in imminent danger, it made him very uncomfortable not to be able to see everything that might represent a threat. At least in this part of the world, people wearing backpacks weren't suspected of being suicide bombers.

  This evening would reinforce his belief in the need for eternal vigilance. Soon after they were seated, he caught a glimpse of Ben Atwood leaning over to whisper in Judge Hopgood's ear and looking in his direction. After a brief moment, Atwood left the restaurant, but throughout dinner Randy caught the judge looking their way. He thought he detected a slight frown on the older man's cragged face.

  He had known the judge as a casual acquaintance for as long as he could remember, and the judge had always been nice to him. Most people, though, including Randy, were wary of Hopgood simply because his reputation for following the letter of the law; his courtroom decisions were often the subject of local gossip. But why would Atwood be talking to the judge? Was he pressing charges because of being ruffed up a bit? That was weeks ago. It didn't make sense to wait this long. But then, lots of things in Delta Junction didn't make sense. If Nadia wasn't with him right now, he would go ask the judge if something was on his mind, but that might piss him off. So, for the time being, he would let it go. And if he could, he would best keep his distance from Atwood or he could indeed wind up in jail.

  The Question

  Nadia had only been in this country for a short time, and already she thought herself to be in love with someone whose worldview was very different from her own. Randy’s cousin was also without a doubt the best friend she had ever had, but she too had very different ideas about the way the world works or should work for that matter. Growing up poor in Ukraine had not prepared her for life in America. She was distrustful of people with money, and yet now she was in love with someone who was very rich by her standards. At the same time, Randy and his family didn’t seem to look down on poor people at all. She felt perfectly at home in their company, although she was often surprised to discover what was on their minds when they discussed world events or the television news.

  Nadia and Mandy had liked each other from the very instant they met. Randy and Ed were both impressed by how well they got along. Nadia told Randy that Mandy reminded her of her younger friend who had died unexpectedly when she was just thirteen. When the two were working in the barnyard one afternoon, Nadia asked Mandy, “Why you get so mad at your father?”

  “Who said I’m mad at him?”

  “No need to say, easy to tell.”

  “I try not to be,” Mandy said.

  “Maybe you try harder.”

  “I will. Did Randy tell you about Pansy?”

  “Tell me what?”

  “Only that she might be the smartest cow on the planet.” Mandy traced an arc in the air.

  “He said she do tricks or something. But you tell me already. Remember she know about bear tracks? Maybe you show me tricks."

  "She doesn't actually do tricks. She's just super smart."

  As they entered the cow’s stall, Mandy said, “Pansy, bring me your brush.” Obediently the calf went to the nail on the wall, removed the brush, and dropped it at Mandy’s feet. Mandy picked up the brush began to groom the calf. “This is nothing,” she said. “Pansy opens gates, tracks bears, knows who her friends are. And when I’m with her alone, I can tell she’s thinking things over.”

  “Like what she thinks about?” asked Nadia.

  “I can’t tell, but I know that she’s thinking.”

  “I never heard of cow that can do these things,” Nadia said. “And the things you say at dinner are new to me. We never talk about these things before I come to America.”

  “Elise, go get Nellie,” Mandy said. Pansy disappeared around the corner. “To do this she has to open Nellie’s gate.”

  “Cows who open gates, very strange,” said Nadia.

  “It’s not that unusual. Google it sometime. Cows do lots of things people don’t admit or acknowledge. There are cows in India that draw water for themselves by working a well-pump handle up and down. The videos are all over the Internet.” Mandy tapped the brush against her palm. “If more people knew about these things, they would have a harder time eating beef.”

  Nellie came around the corner, followed by Pansy, and Mandy called to them, “Okay, girls, let’s go.”

  As they walked a path through the woods, the scent of fall permeated the air. The sky was clear, the air fresh, and the temperature cool and crisp. An assortment of ripened wild berries gave the air a pungent tartness, a reminder that winter was getting closer.

  “Nadia,” Mandy said, “can I ask you something very personal?”

  “Sure you can ask.”

  “Do you think you and Randy might get married?”

  There was a long silence. Mandy was beginning to regret having asked the question when Nadia looked at her with tears filling her eyes. “I don’t know that’s possible,” she said.

  Mandy had no reply but put an arm around Nadia’s shoulders. Heading back to the barn, she wished she had never asked, but now she wanted to know what on earth Nadia could mean by such an answer. Could there be someone else? Were they just assuming she felt about Randy they way he obviously felt about her? Were they just reading too much into a situation they didn't really understand? She didn't want to ask further. She had already spoiled an otherwise nice evening.

  Possibilities

  Since their first date, they had been seeing each other at every available moment. When Nadia wasn’t working, she would spend time with Mandy while Randy was busy with ranch chores. That way, as soon as he was through for the day, they could be together. It was no longer a question in his mind or in the minds of those who knew him. Randy Kellogg was in love. His plans for the future were beginning to take shape. For the first time in his memory, he felt close to discovering what he wanted to do with his life. He wasn’t sure exactly what it was, but he was sure it would have something to do with scholarship, books, history, literature, science, philosophy, and psychology. It was this idea, subordinate only to getting married, that occupied most o
f his thoughts. Who would have imagined he would ever become wildly enamored with ideas, and who would have guessed his teenage cousin would be the catalyst helping him decide?

  Reading Steven Pinker's book was what cinched his determination to pursue an education, an advanced education, and he’d put the thought of reenlisting in the Marine Corps completely out of his mind. Pinker’s big-picture view of history helped Randy to free himself from the guilt he carried with his every step away from the war. The discovery that struck him as most profound was that knowledge and understanding could dispel so much of his anxiety and the soul-battering hatred and contempt he felt for his former enemies in Afghanistan. Hatred, he figured, tells us nothing about those who are the subject of hatred, but it speaks volumes about those doing the hating. And how unfortunate for human beings that hatred is a unifying force in bringing people together in common cause. The more intense the hatred, the greater the bond.

  Shaving in front of the mirror one morning, Randy suddenly realized that learning is what makes a human being an adult. It felt so good to reach new levels of understanding and comprehension, he wondered how anyone who understood the magic of ideas could not be excited about them. He simply could not believe how so much hatred, slaughter, cruelty, and homicidal mania had been stripped from textbook history. If young men and women were thoroughly versed in the reality of war and human cruelty, then such actions could become unthinkable. To be ignorant of human psychology and then to be sent into combat was to be made a stooge to ancient instincts.

  The plan coming together in his mind was to enter the University in Fairbanks. He would study psychology and become a psychologist specializing in treating PTSD. That would be perfect for him. But he would go a step further than anyone before, or at least anyone he knew of. He wouldn't wait until people developed PTSD to act. He would advocate preventive treatment before men and women went to war. He would try to teach those about to go to war not to follow their human predispositions by unknowingly becoming despicable pawns in a long history of hatred and unspeakable acts. He would prepare them for trauma in such a way that they would not be totally overwhelmed by it.

  Beyond that, he would finish fencing his property and raise bison instead of cattle. Everything was beginning to make sense. Tonight after dinner, he would take Nadia for a walk and ask her to marry him.

  * * * * *

  It was late August, and fall had begun in earnest in interior Alaska. The long days of summer were fading fast, each day shorter by several minutes. Gold and crimson leaves were falling magically, filling the air all around them. The leaves still on the trees shimmered in the breeze as if they too were aware of winter’s foreboding arrival. To Randy, the timing seemed perfect. If this wasn’t a romantic evening in this beautiful country setting, what on earth could be?

  Nadia wore a green sweater that perfectly matched her eyes. Randy tried to guess why she acted as if she was going to tell him something, only to withdraw, and she wondered why Randy kept staring at her so much during dinner.

  As they walked through the woods arm in arm, he stopped, turned to face her, and said, “Nadia, will you marry me?”

  She looked stunned, sad, and happy all at once, if such a mood was possible. After a long moment of silence, she burst into tears and began sobbing. “I cannot marry; I am not legal in this country.”

  “What do you mean you’re not legal? How did you get here?”

  “Uncle Vadim and me we come by boat, a fuel barge from Russia, then American boat. Not many people know you can do this from Russia, it very dangerous. We almost die first from fumes then storm.”

  “Nadia, why would you come here illegally? I don’t understand.”

  “Before my father die he give my uncle all his money and make him promise he take Nadia to America.” She began to shake as if suddenly overcome by the chill in the evening air.

  Taking her gently by the shoulders with both hands, he said, “Nadia, if you were here legally, would you marry me?”

  She took a deep breath. “Yes.”

  “Then nothing else matters. We will fix this. Look at me. Do you understand, Nadia? We are going to fix this. I don’t how just yet, but we will fix it. Okay?”

  She nodded yes, but couldn't speak as they walked back to the house. Sitting at the table, Mandy and Ed saw them enter. They could tell Nadia was crying and that Randy was upset. “God, what is happening?” thought Ed, but he said nothing, avoiding eye contact with anyone.

  Randy had to have time to think. This wasn't something he could share with his uncle. It might interfere with his chances to continue his career in law enforcement. At least for now, he would have to figure this out for himself. There had been times in the recent past when he had teased Nadia in a good-natured way about her being superstitious. Now he regretted it. Now it seemed cruel. He needed help, but he didn't know who to turn to.

  Runaways

  The morning after Labor Day, at six o’clock sharp, six vehicles arrived at the Kellogg property. Big trailers, some double tandem with livestock chutes and expandable sides. Workmen parked the vehicles in an assembly-line formation and began making connections between the units. Ed and Randy met the crew boss and discussed the procedures they were to follow. At eight o’clock they were hooked up and ready to begin. Two hands went to the adjacent corral and began moving cattle into the chute. By ten o’clock, the smell of blood permeated the air, and the morning breeze carried the scent all the way to Kellogg Mountain. Any predatory creature with a sensitive nose could detect it.

  Once in a while, those with sharp hearing could notice sounds of an animal in distress, but such sounds were mostly muffled by waves of loud music. Electric motors and saws could be heard roaring, at times reaching a glass-breaking high pitch.

  Mandy stood with Nadia near the barn, looking wistfully at the mobile units. She had made Ed and Randy promise to ensure that there would be no cruelty, and they told her not to worry. They would see that the process was humane. Nadia could tell that Mandy had been crying, but she didn’t say anything about the butchering. They still hadn't talked much since Mandy had asked her the question that had upset her so. The tension for an explanation was building. Each time they had a conversation, both had the feeling that something else needed to be said.

  Nadia had grown up superstitious, and so was everyone she knew. In Alaska she was embarrassed to talk about omens and the bad luck that can befall people who do not heed warnings. Her education had been of the old-style Soviet curriculum that her teachers had learned themselves and were loath to change, even though that era was long past. She’d learned from her father that government was to be avoided at all costs and not to expect anything from politicians except corruption.

  Coming to America had been her father's dream. But not for his enthusiasm, it never would have been her dream. Now she had very mixed feelings about being here, and she wondered if Alaska would ever feel like home to her. Learning to read and write English was much more difficult than she had ever imagined it would be. Randy had told her not to say anything to anyone about her immigration status until he figured out what to do, and she would not betray his trust.

  Today Nadia felt bad, more for Mandy than for the cattle, but she was beginning to change her mind about animals in some way that she didn’t yet know how to measure. Mandy was her best female friend, almost like a sister, and Mandy’s young age didn’t pose a barrier because she seemed so knowledgeable about things that mattered. It upset her to see her young friend so distraught, but there seemed to be nothing she could say or do to make things better, nor could she confide in Mandy about her illegal status without Randy's permission.

  Worries about her own problems just made things worse. Perhaps this mobile kill factory was just another bad omen about things to come. With Ed and Mandy gone from here, things wouldn’t be the same. The one thing missing from her life had always been the comfort of an extended family. It seemed the Ivanov family was forever short of living members. Maybe it wou
ld always be that way.

  * * * * *

  Throughout most of the day, Mandy stayed with Pansy, thinking that the calf was clearly smart enough to know what was going on and that she should comfort her. By mid-afternoon, satisfied that Pansy and Nellie were all right, she returned to the house to be with Nadia, who had gone there to escape the noise. Standing by outside, Ed and Randy were emotionally exhausted. Having a slaughterhouse operation on your property may be beneficial in reducing stress for the cattle, but it has the reverse effect on the owners.

  The manager of the processing plant kept watching the two men and finally approached Ed. "I know this can be tough,” he began. “Why don't you guys run up the road and get a cup of coffee or something to eat? Get your mind off of this for a while. We're about to wrap up here anyway."

  "Good idea,” said Ed, motioning to Randy to get in the truck. They said nothing, but both men sighed with relief as they drove toward the highway and cleared the sound of meatpacking.

  Nearing completion of their butchering project, one of the company’s new hands, who had been working all day by himself in the packing vans, went looking to roundup the last of the cattle. No one had told him any were to be spared, so he used a long stick to drive Nellie and Pansy toward the slaughter chute. He had such difficulty getting them to go where he was trying the direct them, he yelled for another hand. The two calves were just inside the chute when Pansy bolted toward Nellie, nudging her with great force to run, and both of them headed for the woods.

  Embarrassed, the young man walked back to the house and knocked on the kitchen door. When Mandy appeared, he said, “Ma’am, I went to get the last of the stock and the two that were in lot near the barn ran off into the woods.”

  Mandy gasped. “Who told you to get them? Where is my dad?”