Any Second

by Kevin Emerson

  “We don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

  Eli finally looked at her. “No, sorry. I do.”

  “Okay, good.”

  They joined the stream of people arriving, passing through the big wooden front doors and sliding into one of the straight wooden pews near the back. The room was high and square, great white pillars reaching up to a carved wooden ceiling. Chandeliers filled with candle-shaped lights cast a golden glow over the crowd. Tall, clear glass windows stretched up the walls, the lavender evening beyond. Straight ahead, a huge circular window like an eye on the western sky, the faintest light still frosting the clouds out there, a sliver of moon above them.

  At the front of the room, a group of men in white robes were gathered in a semicircle. One of them was speaking, a short reading, but the crowd was still settling and it was hard to make out the words. Something about God and stuff.

  A pause: and now the choir began to sing in unison, slipping through melancholy intervals. It’s a good place to connect with yourself, Renee had said. Maya focused on her breathing, listened to her heart thumping slowly. The voices rose and split into three-part harmony, spreading to high and low registers that filled in gaps Maya hadn’t even known were there, as if the music were somehow expanding the space around them.

  A pause for another spoken phrase: something about prayer and love. Maya felt a little guilty, like she should have known what it meant or where it was from, and yet this place didn’t seem to expect it of her.

  The singing began again, this time in Latin. The melody more dramatic, the notes resonating in a perfect reverb through the room.

  Maya got out her notebook and opened it to a new page. She laid it between her and Eli and started jotting details:

  Falsetto = bird tornado

  Baritone = dark wooded library

  Basses = catacombs, the bones of the lost and forgotten

  Sliver moon out the giant eye window

  Heads bowed

  Hard straight backs of the pews

  The melody soared, a new dramatic turn, and Maya put her pen down. As the singing continued, she felt herself spreading out, losing the pew, losing her legs; her fingers even forgot her scalp. Had no scalp. This was different from playing music, when you were part of a flow, attached to it with each note you struck. More like she was joining a great space, no longer just in this cathedral, no longer just in Seattle on a Friday night. Also out among the evening clouds, part of dawn on the far side of the world, part of galaxies in all directions, but also in some kind of embrace. The beautiful now, she’d written somewhere, somewhen, the kind of thought that could make you tear your skin off with its possibility and its tragedy, because there was only so much you could experience in your firefly life, a blinking trail across a dark meadow, a few moonrises and we are gone. And if we are open to the melody of the universe, then when one person blows up, when one person slips and falls, when one person is threaded by bullets, we are all blown up, dropped, gutted. A thought so tragic, and yet it also meant that everyone was connected. There were no walls, no borders, everything was intertwined, all the little dots making a single great picture from clouds to cells and oh God, oh God that she didn’t necessarily believe in unless this was what God was all along, not a thing but a feeling, a sensation, of all the possibility, why, why did she not wake every day with wide eyes and a smile and run like a fucking cheetah across the brilliant world hugging all of it? What other purpose could there possibly be?

  They were alive, invincible, and yet already dead. They were everything and nothing.

  Maya picked up her pen and wrote:

  Church of Now

  The bomb is not today.

  The bomb is not tomorrow.

  The bomb never was.

  The bomb will always be.

  Behind us.

  We are.

  Getting better.

  She looked at the words and the first thing that popped into her head was that she should post it. A picture of the singers, and these words. Her triumphant return to the feeds.

  She left her phone in her pocket.

  Instead, she put down the pen and leaned to Eli’s ear:

  “Do you feel it?” she whispered.

  Eli’s eyes were closed. “Yes.”

  It occurred to her that she didn’t know what it was for him. No matter how connected she felt, there were limits, skulls and skin, his chemicals and hers. Different pasts.

  Nobody’s sure exactly how he’s thinking.

  But whatever was going on inside him, it was a yes. That had to be a good thing, right?

  She found his hand on the pew, wrapped her fingers around his. Closed her eyes. Her arm a string, the rest of her a balloon, rising.

  Sometime later, the song ended. The choir’s final notes echoed up into the shadows and alcoves. Dissolving into a perfect silence.

  Maya opened her eyes, returning to herself. “Like a flock of birds,” she said to Eli.

  He smiled.

  The whole point, she thought, was to set them free.

  * * *

  ***

  Afterward, they went for gelato, ate it while walking up and down Broadway. Capitol Hill was electric on a Friday night, so many people and voices, music and lights. Maya felt light, so different from a night out with Janice, with Todd. There was no extra layer of doubt. Just herself. Was that Eli? Or just her? Or both?

  “What did you think of that music?” she asked. “Pretty amazing, right?”

  “It didn’t have a beat either.”

  Maya frowned at him.

  His half smile. “I’m kidding.”

  “Jerk.” She play-punched his shoulder.

  “For a while I didn’t think about really anything,” he said. “It felt safe. And really big. I liked that list you made.”

  “Thanks.”

  They talked about teachers and classes and kids, about the Seahawks and the Sounders, and every now and then Maya glanced at Eli and considered again that he might be kind of cute, that she wanted to walk with her arm a few inches closer to his—

  Be careful.

  But wasn’t she? Hadn’t she been so goddamn careful? Couldn’t she have a normal thought for once? Here, now, in this moment? They were having a great time, and Maya liked being with him!

  Should I tell him that?

  But they were nearing the cathedral and there was her mom’s car, waiting on the street.

  Mom asked a lot of questions on the ride home, about the choir, about Eli’s mom and sister, each one seeming to further break the spell of the evening. By the time they’d reached Eli’s, Maya was on edge, could barely contain herself.

  “I’ll be just a sec,” she said as they pulled up to the curb.

  “Okay,” Mom replied. Once Eli had stepped away from the car, she added: “Good job, honey.”

  Maya paused, holding the door. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Mom glanced at Eli walking up the path to his front porch. “It’s just good, how you’re spending this time with him.”

  “Mom, he’s not a charity case. He’s my friend.”

  “No, I know, I just mean—”

  “You know what? I don’t want to know. I’m not doing this so you can be proud of me.” She shut the door and hurried after Eli. Unbelievable! Apparently that earlier moment of coolness was an aberration. Leave it to Mom to totally miss the point.

  “Hey.” She caught Eli by the arm just before he started up the steps. “I have an idea for our anniversary.”

  He turned to her. “What?”

  “Our anniversary. The twenty-sixth. It’s next Friday.”

  His gaze fell. “I know.”

  “Well, I was thinking we could mak
e it a good thing. Do you like mini golf?”

  “Oh. Um, I guess.”

  “Go-karts?”

  “I’ve never done them.”

  “Okay, it’s settled. We’ll ask our parents if we can go down to the Family Fun Center for the day.”

  “Isn’t it on a Friday?”

  “Yeah, but who cares? We need something to take our minds off the whole thing. If we tell them we’re freaking out, and the idea of being in school is unbearable, they’ll definitely let us go. I know my mom will.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Nothing, she just thinks I’m hanging out with you to, like, help you. Which I’m not.”

  “Oh.”

  “I mean, of course I want to help you. That’s just not the only reason I hang out with you.”

  “Okay.”

  “Wow, I am flailing here. Listen, no pressure about the Fun Center. Think it over. Though did I mention they have this skydiving ride where you’re like free-falling and big fans keep you floating? Sounds cool, right?”

  “What if someone recognizes us?”

  “Well, all the other kids will be in school. And also lately I’m starting to feel like maybe who cares? Like, bring it on.”

  Eli nodded. “It sounds fun. I’ll have to ask.”

  He didn’t sound like it sounded fun. Slow down! Didn’t want to push him. Put too much pressure on him. She knew what that felt like.

  Maya took a step back down the path. “Just let me know. Thanks again for coming to my show. And to the cathedral.”

  Eli’s lips moved for a moment, like he was talking to himself. Finally, he looked up, his eyes meeting hers fully. “I had a good time.”

  Maya glanced at her mom’s car. They were standing in the shade of an umbrella-shaped Japanese maple. Red leaves on the sidewalk beneath their feet. Shadows deep enough that their specific movements likely couldn’t be seen. You should go. But she didn’t. Felt her heart speeding up. Stepped closer.

  “Can I tell you something?” she said.

  “What.”

  “Tonight is the safest I’ve felt in like a year. Isn’t that strange?”

  Eli shook his head. “No.”

  “Can I give you a hug? I swear it won’t get weird.”

  “Okay.”

  Maya wrapped her arms around him. Her chin brushed against the top of his ear and when she pressed against him and closed her eyes she did not explode. For a second, Eli didn’t react, but then he hugged her with one arm, the other still in his hoodie.

  “You make me better,” she said quietly.

  “You too.”

  She felt him breathing fast. Maybe even felt something hard in his pants, but it might have just been his other hand, and she knew those things had a mind of their own sometimes. Also maybe she didn’t mind if he did feel like that.

  Okay, psycho! Don’t come on too strong.

  Maya pulled away, left a hand on his arm. “I should go.”

  “Thanks for showing me the singing.” Eli met her eyes for a second, then looked at the ground and shuffled his feet. “Thanks for being my b—my friend.”

  “Ooh!” said Maya. “Were you going to say best friend?”

  “Maybe. I don’t know.”

  “That’s okay, I get it,” said Maya. “You have Graham. Don’t want him to feel like I’m muscling in.”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “Dude, what could be more complicated than us?” And yet the mention of Graham…“Hey, is he the ‘weird’ that you were going to tell me about?”

  Eli shrugged. “I don’t really know. He’d be mad if he knew I was talking about him behind his back.”

  “That’s fair. Maybe text me about it tomorrow or something, if you want?”

  “I should go in. See you Monday.” Eli turned toward the porch.

  “Ask your mom and Pearson about the anniversary.”

  “Okay.”

  Maya watched him go, bouncing a little on her feet. “Good night, Eli!”

  He’d just started up the steps when he paused. Maya felt a twinge of nerves. Was he going to turn around? If he came back down here, was she going to kiss him? Was that what he was thinking too?

  But Eli didn’t turn. His head cocked to the side.

  “What’s up?” Maya asked.

  He moved slowly up the steps onto the porch and stopped again. Bent over. Picked up something from the doormat.

  Just stood there, shoulders slumped.

  “Hey, what is it?”

  Eli turned around and held out the wolf’s mask.

  October 19

  You knew I never left.

  Detective Pearson and her officers stayed late. Checked the mask and the porch for fingerprints. Checked the yard for any other evidence. Set up what they called an invisible perimeter around the house, the neighborhood. His whole life: walls closing back in.

  “We can’t jump to conclusions,” Pearson said as they sat at the dining table. Maya and her mom were there, Melissa and his mom. “If this really is Stephen, it’s very bold behavior for the subject of an FBI manhunt. Even desperate.”

  Eli kept his eyes on the table. The blinds were drawn and yet he still expected to see Gabriel in a window.

  He’d hidden the gun under his mattress before the police arrived. Had it with him all night, at the concert, at the cathedral, and every time he slipped his hands into his hoodie and felt the impression of it there, a certainty: they were safe. He could protect himself. Maya too. Would never have to picture her screaming upstairs— There was no one in that room!

  By the end of the night, he’d started to feel like maybe the gun itself was keeping danger away—

  And then the mask.

  He should have shown Maya the gun. She looked so freaked out now, across the table. Then she would have known he could keep them safe. But he’d frozen up, stupid and useless, and then Maya had called to her mom and knocked on Eli’s front door.

  “He was right there,” his mom said, staring at the door. The footage from their front porch camera only showed a shadow getting close to the steps and tossing the mask up.

  “The mask has a few partial fingerprints,” said Pearson, “but we haven’t turned up any matches in our database so far. We’ll be doubling your detail round the clock, briefing the school, and adding a second plainclothes officer. Publicly, we’re saying the police activity here tonight was because of a prowler. That should keep the media off the scent.”

  She looked at Maya and her mom. “We’ll be posting officers at your house and wherever you’ll be as well.”

  Maya’s mom just nodded, her mouth pursed.

  “Do you think it’s because of the anniversary?” Eli’s mom asked. She held Melissa’s hand. A mile of table between them and Eli.

  Afraid. You’ve put them in danger again.

  “Maybe,” said Pearson.

  “Could it be someone else?” Melissa asked. “Someone who knows Eli’s identity?”

  “I don’t think we can rule anything out,” said Pearson. “Obviously Stephen might have done this, but it’s also possible that someone has figured out who you are and did this as a prank or as an act of harassment. The anniversary certainly could be motivating them. But there’s been no other sign of people knowing Eli’s identity that we’re aware of, right?”

  Melissa and his mom shook their heads. Eli too. Right.

  “What about Graham?” Maya asked.

  “What about him?” said Pearson.

  She glanced at Eli but then quickly away. “I don’t know. I don’t think he likes that Eli and I hang out. Or maybe just doesn’t like me. I’ve caught him spying on me a couple times.”

  Eli burned. Come on, Maya!

  “Spying?” Maya’s mom asked.

  M
aya shook her head. “It’s no big deal,” she said quickly. “I don’t know.”

  Pearson turned to Eli. “Do you think we should ask Graham about this?”

  No! Graham would be so pissed if he knew about this conversation. They’d barely spoken outside of school all week, and during their Tech Squad times Graham had been tight-lipped, easily annoyed by almost anything Eli did. Also, Eli was pretty sure he’d been in the rafters tonight, except why would he skip his favorite band to watch the jazz concert? Because he’s hurt. Because I’m his best friend, maybe his only friend, and I picked Maya over him.

  But still. He wouldn’t do something like this.

  And if Pearson questioned Graham, it might somehow lead to them finding out about the Alpha videos, and Graham would get in huge trouble. Maybe he should get in trouble for those? But what if Graham got arrested? Or even expelled? And it would be all Eli’s fault, and Graham would never forgive him.

  I’ll talk to him myself.

  “Eli?” his mom said.

  Eli shook his head. “This wasn’t Graham. It’s Gabriel.”

  “His name is Stephen,” said Pearson. “Gabriel was a story he told you.”

  “Whatever. He’s back because it’s the anniversary and I let him down.”

  “Elián,” said his mom, sniffling. “That’s not what you did.”

  “That’s how he thinks,” said Eli.

  “Do you have any other leads?” Maya’s mom asked.

  “Not a whole lot,” said Pearson. “The wolf’s mask sold big online right after the incident. The manufacturer pulled it from as many retailers as they could, but you can still find them on places like eBay. We’re requesting sales records to see if there’s someone in the area who purchased one. And we’re continuing to look for any leads on Stephen’s whereabouts.”

  “What are we going to do in the meantime?” said Eli’s mom. “Should we go somewhere, or—”