by A. E. Murphy
He pauses and then when he speaks, his tone is different, softer but deeper. “I care for you, very much. You know that. I know you do.”
“But you don’t love me.” Spending this time apart from him has been an eye opener. I’ve been able to truly look at the past few weeks and see them for what they are. Like the moment he told me he loved me and I’d been so elated I almost missed the regret in his eyes immediately after he said it. Like the next day when I said it back and ignored his flinch and put it off as something else. “Do you? It’s one-sided. You’re not even sure you ever will.”
“Tempest…” He pauses again and I want to demand an answer. “I don’t know what to say because I don’t want to lose what we have but I also don’t want to give you false hope.”
“I’m just a time filler, aren’t I? I’m just here until you get bored. Which could literally be any day, at any time.”
“Isn’t that the same for anybody?”
“No, because love doesn’t go away overnight on a whim for something newer,” I reply. “And after seeing all of that death and all of that drama… I just don’t think I want to waste any more time on somebody who can’t promise me a future.”
“Nobody can promise you that this early on,” he insists gruffly.
“You can promise me you won’t love me though, can’t you?”
Yet again I receive nothing but silence.
“Sargent!” I snap. “Answer me.”
“I don’t want to lose you.”
“I don’t want to lose my sanity to you.”
He chuckles but I can tell it’s forced. “Let me take you to dinner, we can talk about this face-to-face, clear the air. This should be a conversation in person. Where are you?”
“I’d rather just…” It’s hard to say because I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to break up with him because I do love him. I shouldn’t, I know it. “I’m at Cassius’.”
“Cassius’?” His tone darkens again for a different reason this time.
“There’s something else, before we fall out because you don’t approve of where I’m staying.”
“I’m listening.”
I take a deep breath in and count to five. “I still haven’t gotten my period.”
I wait for the explosion, the same one I expected before but it doesn’t come.
“Okay, well…” The phone rattles and he clears his throat. “Let’s just take a test and see what it says then take it from there.”
“In some ways you’re so much more mature than me,” I mumble and this time he chuckles for real.
“I’ll be there in an hour and we’ll do a test and go to dinner and take everything how it comes. How’s that?”
“That sounds good.”
I get showered and change, anxious to get this out of the way and a tiny bit excited to see the outcome. I don’t want a baby to come out of this mess. Not now. It’s too soon and I feel as though I still have so much life left to live. But then I think about it the other way and wonder what it would be like to be a mother. Perhaps it’s a naïve thought but there’s a little bit of excitement at the prospect.
What terrifies me the most is how Sargent will react. What if he gets angry or storms away? I’ll have to go all the way back to England because I can’t afford healthcare here. Will he provide for the baby?
I’m getting ahead of myself but it’s nice to have something else to focus on.
When I exit the bedroom I seek out Maddox and Cassius who are speaking in the kitchen.
They stop talking in hushed tones when I step into the room and both of them smile at the sight of me.
“I hope it’s okay, Sargent is on his way to pick me up. We’re going to talk.”
“Good.” Maddox smiles and drains the rest of his drink. “It will clear your head.”
Cassius nods his agreement. “But tell us if he upsets you and we’ll kick his ass.” He grins at Maddox. “We can take him if we attack him together.”
Maddox doesn’t look so sure. “I’ll let you do it. I’ll bring popcorn.”
“So you can be entertained by my ass whoopin’? Not a chance. Sargent would kill me.”
I giggle at their banter and pull myself onto a stool. Maddox stands behind me and braids my hair. I’m so lucky to have him in my life.
I tilt my head back so it rests on his chest and accept the hug from behind. Then I wait impatiently for Sargent to arrive.
When he does I hold my breath as Cassius greets him. There are no hard feelings between them. Apparently, they hashed it out but Cassius accepted Sargent’s explanations and apologies. Cassius just isn’t the kind of guy who holds grudges. Though it would have been different had it all blown up in his face.
He’s so handsome, even now while my mind is foggy with depression and shock I can’t help but admire how truly gorgeous he is. It’s such a shame he feels he can’t love. His hair has been cut but his beard is just a couple of millimeters long and so neatly shaped around his cheeks and jaw. There’s not a hair out of place.
When he sees me, his eyes soften and he doesn’t stop as he strides my way, not for anybody. I’m yanked from my seat and his lips are on mine. For a moment I relax into it and accept it because it’s him. But then I remember everything and how I feel and how I know he’s going to make me feel so I push him away.
“Let’s go,” he whispers, his eyes determined as they scan my face.
“Hi, Dad,” Maddox says jokingly. “Standing right here.”
Sargent turns and hugs his son with one arm as his other hand lingers on mine, as though worried I’ll run.
I allow it and allow him to lace his fingers through mine as he leads me from the house. I don’t want to cause a scene but the second the door closes behind us I snatch my hand back.
“Don’t. I need a clear head,” I say as he guides me to his car which is parked in the massive driveway beside Cassius’ silver Bentley. “I can’t think when your hands are on me.”
His answering smile is cocky, arrogant, but so fucking sexy.
I glare because if I don’t, I’ll climb him like a tree and just say fuck it to everything else that needs resolving.
When I fold my body into the seat, I almost sit on a white paper bag. He closes my door and rushes to his side as I peek at the contents. Pregnancy tests, three of them.
My heart starts hammering. I figured he’d make me go into a pharmacy myself but he’s been a gentleman. I don’t know why I doubted him.
“Tests first, or talk?” he asks, reaching over me to grab my seatbelt. His lips brush against mine. That was crafty. It makes me smile.
When we’re both buckled in he starts the engine.
“Be pointless talking without any answers.”
“I need to know you forgive me for what happened,” he says, placing his hand on my thigh. “I don’t want you to base your decisions on the fact you think I’m an asshole.”
“My decisions?”
“In general. On whether or not you want to continue.”
“I get it. I understand why you did what you did. Stone said…”
“You’ve spoken to Stone?”
I shrug. “He emailed me.”
“He emailed you?”
“It’s not a big deal. I didn’t hear from him again.” I place my hand on his that is squeezing my thigh and lift it away before placing it on the console between us. “He just explained what happened with Nastya.”
“Don’t say her name, it makes my skin crawl.” He visibly shudders. “I didn’t want to. I needed to get her on my side and she was insistent. When she said Yaroslava was coming and started threatening you. I panicked. She had pictures of you on her phone.”
“Did you, finish?”
“No… hell I didn’t even begin, Tempest. I didn’t even remotely enjoy it.” He shakes his head as though shaking away the memory. “She’s a psychopath that likes to lead men around by their dicks.”
“Liked,” I murmur because she can’t any
longer. “I’ve never been so scared.”
“Me neither. When I heard you scream and when you were attacked, I couldn’t do anything. They had me and I tried but I didn’t want to get you killed.”
“That part I understand. You did the best you could, Sargent. You’re not a superhero. As much as I’d liked to have seen you lay them all out without getting holes put in you, you’re only human and you were outnumbered.”
His hand goes back to my thigh but he mutters an apology and removes it. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too. Or the easy brief life we had together before all of this.”
“Amen. How are you doing?”
“Not great. I’m struggling to sleep.”
His profile softens with mutual understanding. “Me too.”
“Tucker’s family…”
“Have been paid. I matched his life insurance and doubled it. He has a daughter, she’s thirteen but I’ve made it so she never has to worry about paying for college.”
“Thank you,” I murmur, feeling like crying again. I didn’t know him but seeing him so coldly murdered for no reason other than amusement has been so hard to get past. I wonder if I’ll ever sleep without seeing his eyes in my mind the second I close my own.
“You look beautiful today.” He’s being genuine but I know he’s using it to change the subject. “I’d really like to keep this going.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
He nods once, his lips a thin line as he maneuvers the car through Malibu and to a small apartment complex near the beach.
“My new home,” he says, shrugging. “It’s just temporary until something better in the area opens up.”
“Good luck with that.” I grin and we climb from the car.
He uses a key fob to open the double doors and leads me to the elevator. It clinks and hums as it ascends to the third floor and I try not to look at our reflection in the mirror on the walls.
He keeps an arm around my shoulder and kisses my hair before guiding me out the second the door opens and using a different key to open the door to apartment number eight.
It’s small and cozy, with two bedrooms and a balcony that extends from the kitchen to the master bedroom. That makes it easier to get midnight snacks, I guess.
“I’m terrified,” I admit, holding one of the boxes in both hands.
“Me too.” He takes the box from my hands, opens it, tears open the foil wrapper that hides the stick and then guides me to the bathroom. “You do your business and call me when you’re ready.”
I close the door, stick in hand and pray I drank enough water on the way to get a steady pee flow.
I pull off the lid, sit on the toilet and bite my lip as I position the correct end of the stick between my thighs. This is going to change everything. I just know it.
I stop mid-pee and quickly put the other one under me too. Then I clip the lid back on and place them side by side on the sink as I wash my hands.
The door opens as I stare at my reflection in the mirror wondering what kind of mother I’ll be. Sargent wraps his arms around my waist and kisses my neck. I close my eyes and rock with him as he sways us. I always felt so safe in his arms, not just because of how large he is but he just emits that feeling.
“Why can’t you love me, Sarge?”
He sighs grimly and kisses my jaw before looking at my eyes in the mirror. “At my age, love doesn’t come too easily. We hold back because we’ve experienced love in most forms and none of it ended well.”
“You’re holding back because of the age gap?”
He nods. “I guess I’m worried that in a year you’ll wake up and decide you don’t want to be with an old man anymore.”
“You’re not old.”
“Not yet, but in a year…” His playful smile is contagious. “We’re good, Tempest, the tests are negative.”
“What?” I squeak and pick up the stick. My jaw drops, my head spins. “I’m not pregnant?” I don’t know how I feel about this. I don’t know how I should feel about this.
Tears spring to my eyes, it’s an irrational reaction but I’m emotional and confused.
“Did you want to be?” His tone is soft as I drop the stick into the sink and place my hands on his shoulders. “You look sad.”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so. I don’t even particularly want kids. It’s just… overwhelming. I’m happy but also sad.”
“Me too.” His admission surprises me. “I was getting used to the idea.”
“You’d be starting all over again if you had kids now.” I lock my ankles around the back of his shins. “You’ve done it all before.”
His eyes cast downwards as he imagines the picture I’m painting.
“I still want to travel all over the world…”
“I wouldn’t stop you.”
I stroke his cheek and kiss his jaw. “I know you wouldn’t, but one day I also want to get married and you’re not interested in that. You’ve done that. I might not want kids now but I can’t say I won’t in ten years. You don’t want that either.”
“I almost wish you were pregnant now,” he says, sighing gravely as his hands tighten on my hips.
“Why?”
“Because you wouldn’t be breaking up with me, we’d be having a different conversation right now.”
He’s right but maybe this is a blessing. We’ve likely dodged a bullet.
“Can’t we just enjoy each other? For a little while longer?” His eyes are so earnest and surprisingly vulnerable in a way I’ve never seen.
“I’m going to Africa with Cassius.”
“Cassius.” His tone darkens much like it always does when I mention his closest friend.
“I was waiting to see the outcome of this but yes, I’m going to be on Cassius’ personal team.”
“I bet you are,” he mumbles and I feel immediately irate.
Sargent
The thought of her and Cassius sharing a tent, or a fucking hovel, in a foreign country, fucking and falling in love has me feeling nauseous. Cassius isn’t like me, he’ll snap a girl like her up and marry her. Especially one who is so much like him in the sense that she wants to save the planet and goes psychotic if you forget to recycle.
I’m losing her and I don’t know how to fix it.
“Is something going on with you and Cassius?” I ask stupidly and watch the shutters come down in her eyes. My jealousy overrode my better judgment. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that. Word vomit. I just hate the thought of you being with somebody I know when you’re done with me.”
“We should quit while we’re ahead,” she tells me and I hate that thought too. “Nothing but hurt is going to come from this, besides, we’re so irresponsible together. We’ve been having unprotected sex like virginal teens for over a month.”
“We’re passionate, we forget the dull stuff, nothing wrong with that.” I look back at our time together fondly. I wonder if she doesn’t.
“That dull stuff, could change our entire lives.”
I shrug. “What do you want then, Tempest?”
“I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” she states. “I want you to want the same.”
Her answer floors me. “You’re young…”
“So? That doesn’t mean I don’t know what I want, especially with everything that has happened as of late.”
She has a point.
“I don’t want to get married again,” I admit. “And I don’t particularly want to be a father again. If it happened, so be it, but it hasn’t and I’m not interested in trying.”
I want to be honest with her because she needs to know I can’t be what she needs. It hurts me to say it but I can’t hurt her by lying to her.
“I can’t love with the same intensity that you do and because of that I’m never going to be able to give you enough.” I wipe away a tear that falls down her cheek. Dipping my head, I kiss her ready lips and press my forehead to hers.
“Well.” She exhale
s a shaky breath. “Thanks for your honesty, I guess.”
I kiss her again but she turns her head away.
“I should go.”
“Don’t,” I demand softly, urging her to do things my way, for a little while longer at the very least. “Not yet. Stay with me.”
She bites her lip and arousal swims in her eyes as I lower my head and kiss the soft skin of her throat. Her body shivers in my arms so I press deeper, suckling her skin and tasting her with my tongue. Tiny moans leave her parted lips and her body relaxes against me. How badly I want to be inside of her right now.
I grind as my hands grip, and kiss as her head moves, baring her throat to me.
Though when I reach for the hem of her white shirt she grabs my wrist and douses the embers of the fire I’m attempting to stoke.
“Can you give me a ride back to Cassius’?” she whispers, pushing me back gently with both hands.
Fuck. This is it. I’ve lost her.
I’m not allowed to kiss her anymore, to touch her, to just hold her.
“Say it,” I demand, watching her avoid my eyes. “Tell me it’s over and I’ll take you home.”
“What other options are there? I’m leaving soon anyway.”
“Say it, Tempest.”
“Fine.” She looks me dead in the eye. “We’re done. No more… shag partners or whatever we were.”
The words slice through me but I pretend they don’t affect me. “I’ll take you home.”
“We can be friends? We can email?”
“Maybe.” I don’t want that. Not at all. I can’t even possibly entertain being around her, even digitally.
FUCK.
“Let’s go.” I lead her out of my apartment, to the elevator and then to my car.
“Oh, your umm… unfinished birthday gift is at the Barbie house.”
“Barbie house?”
“Yeah.” She smiles, looking at me with eyes twinkling with amusement. “First time I saw your house I thought Barbie should live there.”
I roll my eyes but her amusement is contagious. She’s fucking adorable. “Where is it?”
“On the easel in the garden if it hasn’t been destroyed. It’s nearly done. I can finish it before I go if you can pick it up?”
