by A. E. Murphy
She’s referring to the painting I have in storage until I find the perfect place for it.
“I’ve seen it. It’s divine. I’m unworthy of it.”
“Divine? You think so?”
“It’s the only thing I kept, I’ll cherish it. Maybe one day you can come back and finish it?” We share a smile and I put the car in drive. “So, Africa?”
“I’ll be leaving as soon as Cassius allows it.”
Which means she’s been waiting for my response. Why can’t I care about her a little less? Then I could lie to her and tell her I love her and want her to stay. She would. I know she would.
“You could come too?” she suggests, placing her hand on mine, I lace our fingers and rub my thumb over the back of hers.
“Not my thing.” Saying that aloud just further proves how perfect for Cassius she is and not me. He’s ready for kids, he’s ready for a marriage that isn’t shit. “Just stay in touch, send me pictures, keep Maddox safe.”
“Maddox isn’t going. He wants to settle for a while longer.”
This makes me feel even worse. “So who’s going to look after you?”
“I’ll be fine, I was alone for years before Maddox, Sargent. Don’t worry.”
“I’ll always worry about you.” I kiss her wrist and fall into silence. “Can we eat before I take you back?”
Tempest
Should I? It feels like torture already. Any longer in his presence and I’ll cave. This is best, to end things now while we’re amicable and friendly. Not nine months down the line when he’s bored and I’m heartbroken. This way won’t cause issues with Maddox. I can still be a part of their lives.
“I think it’s best this day just end.”
“I’m not ready to let you go just yet.”
I blink away my heartache at his words and admit, “me neither.”
Tempest
I haven’t seen him for weeks but I’ve heard his voice when Maddox has spoken to me on the phone. It’s hard saying goodbye, wondering if he’s moved on already, wondering if I’ll bump into him while he’s with another woman.
He texted me this morning asking me how I am but I ignored it. I need space and time to get over him.
Thank heavens I’m leaving Friday, with Cassius. We’re heading to the Democratic Republic of Congo. It’s in no way safe but we’re hoping to bring food, water, and land to at least some of the children there. There’s already a setup to the east in a village surrounded by barren lands that hopefully, with the help of orange peels and the changing climate, will perk up in the next decade. It’s not as though the area isn’t full of resources, it’s that the locals aren’t safe enough to settle down anywhere so they lack the knowhow to get these things safely.
It’s something Cassius is truly invested in. His hazelnut eyes light up whenever we talk about it. His vision for the future there is one I want to be a part of. We could be making history as we know it.
We just got confirmation of sponsorship and permission to enter the country. This is exciting but terrifying.
Maddox now wants to come but we talked him out of it. He only wants to come because I’m going but I know his heart lies elsewhere. I think he’s met somebody. I’m happy for him, a little bit jealous that his attentions will soon lie elsewhere but happy all the same.
“Yeah, thanks, Marcy, she’s basically the same,” I hear Cassius say, chuckling as he gets closer to where I’m sitting in the dining room. “Ridiculous, I know.”
He hangs up and beams at me from ear to ear when he steps through the open door. “We’re going Thursday, not Friday, so get dressed, we need to shop for supplies.”
I stand and look longingly at my phone.
I’ll call him later.
We head to Devon’s and he helps set me up with a backpack perfect for my height and weight.
We have an emotional goodbye, one with tight hugs and promises to keep safe before I head out. I’ve been working for him again for the past three weeks so we’ve really bonded.
I’ll definitely come back one day to see him.
We visit a military store for long-lasting clothing and shoes and by the time we’re both geared up we look ready to join the army. We laugh and joke about it for a while before the reality of where we’re going and what we’re doing kicks in.
“Nervous?” he asks as we admire our tan combat trousers in the mirror.
I shrug. “Not really. You?”
“Terrified,” he admits, grinning.
“You have a lot more to lose than me. I just have myself and my clothes and the ability to move.”
He nods thoughtfully. “That’s one way to look at it.” His arm snakes around my shoulder and squeezes. “We’ll be fine. It’s not war-torn where we’re going. Not terribly anyway.”
“I’m looking forward to it. Minus the bugs. So many bugs.”
He cringes so I know he feels the same. “Call Sargent, maybe you’ll get to see each other before we leave?”
“I will, later. Not now. I don’t have my phone.”
“That’s okay,” he pulls his from his pocket and calls his friend. “I have mine. Talk… get changed. I’ll meet you out front.”
I almost drop the phone as I stare at Cassius in the mirror, shocked at the suddenness of everything. When I put the phone to my ear and move into the changing room, Sargent answers, his voice deep and gruff.
“This better not be bad news, Cassius, I’ve had my quota for today.”
Well… shit.
“It’s me. Sorry, I left my phone at home,” I explain before he can ask.
“Tempest,” he replies, surprised. “It’s good to hear your voice.”
“You too, Sarge.” I smile, twiddling my hair around my finger as I lean against the wall of the changing room. “How have you been?”
He hesitates and I wonder what he’s hiding. “Good. Nothing to report.”
There’s a long pause before he asks, “Is everything okay?”
Deciding not to push the issue I get to the point of the conversation. “I’m leaving with Cassius on Thursday.”
“Thursday? So soon?” His tone is cautious, I can’t read it to understand how he feels about that.
“Yeah, we just got confirmation a few hours ago.”
“Well, be safe. Don’t go anywhere alone. Okay?”
I nod though obviously he can’t see me. “I miss you.”
“Don’t.” His tone is clipped, it startles me. “Just, go do your thing. Good luck, have fun, goodbye and all that shit.”
“Sarge…”
“No, Tempest. You made your choice. It’s been weeks.”
“Oh.” I understand now. He’s over it. He’s over me. “Sorry, I just thought…”
He clears his throat. “I have to go. Safe travels. See you at Christmas maybe.”
The line goes dead and I’m left staring at Cassius’ phone, feeling the urge to cry.
“Are you ready?” Cassius calls a few minutes later.
I exit the changing room dressed in my normal clothes and hand him my new ones.
“What’s wrong?”
I shake my head slowly. “Sargent’s moved on, I shouldn’t have called.”
“He said that?” Why does he look so confused?
“He didn’t have to.”
“Come on. I’m hungry.”
Suddenly I feel nothing but nausea. I knew it was inevitable. What did I expect? That he’d be pining over me?
My ideals are laughable. I’m romanticizing everything. I put too much into such a short relationship, a mistake I’ll never be making again.
I just thought life would finally go my way.
My dad was a drunk and the truth is, he used to beat us all so hard my brother lost his sight in his right eye. Didn’t stop him from becoming just like him though. When my dad beat him, he beat me. When my dad beat me, he also beat me. It wasn’t all the time, just sometimes. Just like sometimes I’d find my brother standing over my bed, staring down at
me as he masturbated.
I lived with it for years and I couldn’t take it anymore. Enough was enough.
I didn’t plan to kill them, I just wanted to make them stop. I didn’t murder them in cold blood. I wanted them to think I was crazy, I thought if they thought that, then they’d leave me alone. The plan was to just make them sleep for a while. I wanted them to think I could do it any time I wanted.
I crushed up a ton of sleeping pills using my friend’s grinder and mixed it into the gravy at dinner. Mum was working late and when she worked late, my brother did things to me and my dad didn’t care.
I used too many sleeping pills and neither of them woke up.
At first, I ran, but eventually I was found and was absolved of all charges. Still, Mum didn’t want me back and my foster families were terrified of me. I ended up on the streets and felt so guilty for the deaths I caused I promised to use my life to do better.
Maddox knows this about me. He was the first person I ever told and he was the first person who didn’t judge me for it, or fear me, he simply held me.
I chose to put my trust in the right person, until his father. Maybe all of this pain is still part of my penance.
This pain is my punishment. I’ll never be allowed happiness. I don’t even deserve it.
Sargent
“What’s that?” Maddox asks, pointing at the white bandage on my chest. “You okay?”
“New ink,” I reply, chewing on a piece of jerky.
“Can I see?”
I shake my head. “Needs to heal a bit first. I’ll show you tomorrow.”
“Whatever.” He taps away on his phone and sighs. “Tempest is leaving early in the morning. Are you coming to see her off?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to.”
He rolls his eyes. “Scared you’ll cry?”
“I’m over it,” I lie. I’m not over it. Not in the slightest. I can’t say goodbye because watching her go will destroy me.
“You love her,” Maddox states simply, grinning at me again. “I don’t know how you don’t know it, but you do.”
“I don’t love her, Maddox. Christ, she’s half my age.”
“Age is but a number when you got wicked chemistry.”
“Suddenly you want me and Tempest together?”
He smiles genuinely. “I want you both to be happy and you make each other happy. Who cares about anything else?”
“I don’t love her.”
“Prove it.”
“I will, by not seeing her off.”
“That’s just cruel.”
I shrug, wincing when my tattoo gives a sting of protest. “It doesn’t matter how either of us feel. We want completely different things.”
“So?”
“So?” I question his question with the same question.
“You love her, she loves you, everything else will fall into place.”
“You’re as naïve as she is.”
He laughs loudly. “Probably. What would you have done if she were pregnant?”
“I would have done the right thing and married her.”
He rolls his eyes again. “You’re an idiot and you’re missing out. She’s going to come back with another man on this trip and forget all about you. He’s going to be younger, better looking, more adventurous…”
“Maddox,” I warn, not needing the visuals of her with another man.
“But you’re over her so you don’t care.”
“She’s leaving in the morning, like you said. She can do as she pleases.”
“Why are you being so stubborn?”
“Because I want her to be fucking happy!” I yell, slamming my hand on the counter between us. “Enough, Maddox. She’s better off without me and you know it. We’re too different and those differences will drive her to fucking depression and resentment like your mother.”
“Whoa,” he murmurs and blinks at me, astounded I just said how I’m really feeling. “It’s not your fault Mom is the way she is. She’s a bitch, she was like that before you came along. As for Tempest being miserable? She already is. The only time I’ve ever seen her truly let herself be happy is with you. That day on the beach… I’ve never heard her laugh like that before. Never seen her smile like that. She thinks a life of unhappiness is her penance for her past.”
I hate that she feels that way and wonder why I never just asked her about her past. I guess I was worried if I brought it up it would bring her mood down. Tempest always seemed so at peace with me, so relaxed. I got the feeling she didn’t get that often so I let her have it.
“Drop it, Maddox.”
“Go to Africa with her. It’s only for two months. I can handle things here.”
“No.”
“Dad…”
“I said no. Let her find happiness with somebody that can keep it long term. I’m a fleeting love for her. A stepping stone. She deserves so much more.”
He blows out a breath and throws his hands up. “I tried. You’re being a fucking moron.” Then he leaves the room, slamming the door behind him.
I’m doing the right thing.
A few hours later, I peel back the bandage from my chest. My left peck to be exact and unveil the words that are a glistening black scrawl.
I weep at mine unworthiness, that dare not offer
What I desire to give, and much less take
What I shall die to want.
When Maddox sees it soon after he laughs once and snaps. “You don’t love her, Dad, really? Pretty sure that’s a specific line from The Tempest. Coincidence? Me thinks not.”
I don’t love her. He’s wrong.
I don’t love her because love isn’t a strong enough word.
Tempest
I became one of those flimsy teen girls last night when I checked my phone repeatedly. I couldn’t sleep. I need to accept the fact he isn’t coming to say goodbye.
The fact I’m leaving hasn’t hit me yet, not even slightly.
Maddox is here, looking around nervously on the tarmac below the private jet that will be dropping Cassius, myself, and the rest of the team off in Pointe-Noire. We’re going to be traveling in total for at least three days to get from LA to Central Africa. It’s around a twenty-five-hour flight with a couple of stops for fuel.
To say we’re dedicated would be an understatement.
I hug his waist and rest my head on his shoulder.
“He’s not coming, stop looking for him.”
I feel him shake his head and hear him sigh. “He’s an idiot, Pest. You can do better. I was wrong.”
“It is what it is.” I lean back so he can kiss my forehead and tears blur my eyes and his. “Look after yourself, stay out of trouble.”
“You too. I want weekly emails or I’m coming to look for you.” He hugs me again and we sway for a while. “I’m going to miss you.”
“I’ll be back before you know it, sleeping in a spare room of your massive house, eating my way through your food.” I’m joking of course. When and if I come back, I’ll be an independent woman. Maybe I’ll even find a new love.
Anything is better than this gaping hole in my chest.
I’m not going to shut myself off from the world and the prospect of love because it hurts. I like the hurt because it comes after all of the happiness and the happiness is worth this. It really is. My time with Sargent was worth this.
“Time to board,” Cassius says and Maddox steps away from me to hug Cassius.
“Keep her safe.”
“I’ll do my best,” Cassius replies and winks at me.
“Back on the meal replacement bars. I don’t know how I’m going to cope without chocolate,” I mumble when one of the crew wanders past with a box full of silver packets ready to be distributed during the flight.
We’re all allocated a certain amount of food each for our bags so nobody can take more than they need.
“I’ll send you some when I can,”
Maddox promises but we both know it won’t get there.
I take one last look around the busy airport as planes take off, people stand at the windows and other planes circle above waiting to land.
“I was expecting some kind of romantic ending,” I say and then start laughing. “I thought he’d come running for me at the last minute, we’d kiss and say one last cliché goodbye and that would be that.”
“I’ll give him a hard time for it later.”
“Don’t. He’s doing what’s easy for him. I can’t fault him for that.” I hug my friend again and squeeze as hard as I can. “I’m going to miss you both. Tell him… tell him I’m not sad. That I get it and… yeah, just tell him that.”
“I hate that he’s done this.”
“Don’t. I get it. He can’t say goodbye.” I back away and move to the narrow metal steps leading up to the plane. “I’ll see you soon.”
“You better be back for Christmas!” he snaps.
“I’ll do my best.”
“Weekly emails, Pest!”
“I’ll do my best,” I repeat, smiling sadly now.
“Stay safe.”
This time I whisper it, “I’ll do my best.” Then, with tears falling from my eyes, I head inside and find a seat before the rest of the team arrive and the plane begins to fill. I sit by the window, wiping under my eyes with a balled-up tissue. He didn’t even come to say goodbye.
Sargent
My heart breaks when I see her tears. She’s crying for me, of course she is. I don’t know how I ever doubted her love for me or ever let her go.
I keep my cap low and my head down as I make my way to the seat beside her. She doesn’t look up from the window until I’m sitting next to her and place my hand on hers.
Her questioning scowl becomes a smile of so much happiness and love.
I lace our fingers together, her warm hand heating me to my frosty heart.
“I’m sorry,” I say quietly, bringing her knuckles to my lips. “We have approximately three minutes until this plane leaves. Tell me right now you can’t forgive me and I’ll get off and you’ll never see me again. Tell me I still have a chance and I’ll come with you and show you every day how much I love you and love being with you.”
