Last of The Summer Wine

by Richard Webber

  WALLY: (Thinks for a moment) About what?

  NORA: About anything, I don’t care. Just talk to me. You never speak to me.

  WALLY: I spoke to you yesterday. I asked you where me elastic bandage was.

  NORA: That was Monday. It doesn’t matter where we go, you don’t talk. You just sit there. You used to like my company—once.

  WALLY: Oh aye, once. But I’ve got it all week now.

  Nora lashes out at Wally.

  NORA: Don’t you ever think of me as a woman? A person? Am I always just a wife?

  WALLY: You’ve never been just a wife. You’re about as much wife as anybody could handle. There’s nobody had more wife than I have.

  ‘BLOOD AND STOMACH PILLS.’ (IVY)

  NORA: You just sit there. I wonder sometimes if you’d ever miss me if I left.

  WALLY: (Cheerfully) We could give it a try.

  ‘THE MYSTERIOUS FEET OF NORA BATTY’

  Compo, Clegg and Foggy are in the pub, trying to ask Wally a personal question.

  FOGGY: We shall, of course, treat any information you might give us on this subject, in the—strictest confidence. (Shakes Wally’s hand)

  COMPO: Not a whisper. (Also shakes Wally’s hand) You ain’t got much of a grip there, Wal’.

  WALLY: It’s as much as I need for anything that’s available to a person of my age.

  CLEGG: Good grief, is it really as slack as all that?

  COMPO: It is.

  CLEGG: (Shaking Wally’s hand) My god, it is, yes.

  COMPO: It’s like half a pound of liver.

  FOGGY: Look, never mind his grip.

  COMPO: Never mind his grip, how’s he going to protect Nora with a grip like that? Suppose some bloke, who was frustrated and lonely, suddenly leapt out on our Nora?

  CLEGG: My goodness, how frustrated and lonely can you get?

  FOGGY: The mind boggles, doesn’t it? I mean, let’s be rational about this, I mean…who the heck is going to leap out on the woman, she’s terrible. (Quickly apologising) Oh, begging your pardon, Wally.

  WALLY: (Not offended) Point taken.

  COMPO: (Protesting) Listen, blokes leap out on women all the time—there’s me for a start!

  WALLY: Well, let’s face it, I’m in no condition to go punching people about.

  CLEGG: Wally, you’re in no condition to go screaming for help.

  WALLY: (Sadly) It’s true. If she was attacked right in front of me eyes I’d have to stand there, helpless. Helpless! She could have the bloke mauled to death before I could drag her off.

  ‘KEEPING BRITAIN TIDY’

  Compo, Clegg and Foggy have gone to Nora’s to ask a favour of Wally. The men are sat in the living-room while Nora has gone to fetch Wally.

  NORA: (In the background, shouting to Wally) Come here and see what this lot want.

  WALLY: What lot?

  NORA: Come and find out, and get rid of them quick. I don’t want that lot cluttering up my house.

  Wally goes into the living room and closes the door.

  CLEGG: Hello, Wally.

  WALLY: Ahh, human beings. We don’t get many human beings. Normally it’s just her lot.

  FOGGY: Yes, it’s just a little favour, Wally, you know. We wondered if you could give us all a lift back up the hill on your motor-bike?

  CLEGG: Wally, we wanted to keep it a secret from Nora, in case she invents 14 reasons for you not doing it.

  WALLY: Well, it won’t be a secret now. She’ll be listening, she’s always listening.

  DID YOU KNOW?

  Three of the show’s popular characters—Marina, Pearl and Howard, played by Jean Fergusson, Juliette Kaplan and Robert Fyfe respectively—first appeared in a stage production of Summer Wine.

  Nora storms into the room, grabs Wally and throws him out.

  NORA: That’s a lie, a wicked lie! (To the men) No, he can’t give you a lift up the hill. He’s far too busy.

  ‘ENTER THE PHANTOM’

  Foggy is taking Compo and Clegg to the top of a steep hill.

  COMPO: (Nearly out of breath) Oh, oh dear, I am glad we came. Aren’t you glad we came, Norm’?

  CLEGG: (Also gasping for breath) Me? Oh, I’m just looking back nostalgically at the old days, when there used to be such a thing as oxygen.

  FOGGY: Come on you men, we’re nearly there.

  COMPO: Nearly where? There’s nowt up here.

  CLEGG: Oh. Oh, don’t tell me that we’ve come all this way and God’s not in.

  ‘CATCHING DIGBY’S DONKEY’

  Nora and Ivy are in the café, asking Pearl about Howard’s misdemeanours.

  IVY: Have you any proof that he’s got another woman?

  PEARL: Well, not exactly proof.

  IVY: Yeah, I don’t mean legal proof, I mean wife proof.

  PEARL: Ooh, I’ve got plenty of that. He won’t wear the same shirt for more than two days. He’s started spending hours in the bathroom.

  Nora and Ivy both sigh in disgust.

  PEARL: Singing!

  MEMORIES…

  ‘I’d just returned from holiday when my agent asked me to go for an interview the following day. I said I was too busy but changed my mind on discovering it was in the evening. The part required a very aggressive lady and I remember being just that at the interview. But I was called for a second interview and recall saying, “I can’t waste my time running up and down to London; you either want me or you don’t.” By the time I got home, a message was waiting for me, saying I’d got the part. That was Thursday and I started the following Monday. It was a mad rush because as well as learn my part, I had to find someone to run the gift shops I’d taken over since my husband’s death.

  ‘Pearl began life in the Summer Wine stage play in Bournemouth; I was then offered an episode on the box—just one scene. She grew from there, with Pearl, Marina and Howard forming a lovely ménage à trois which never got anywhere.

  ‘Occasionally, people thought we’d be like our characters in real life. Once, in Wakefield, we were drinking a cuppa when this woman came over, shouting: “I’m never going to watch your show again—you tell lies. You’re supposed to hate her (pointing at Jean Fergusson) yet you’re having tea together!”’

  JULIETTE KAPLAN (Pearl)

  IVY: Is he using your talcum powder?

  PEARL: I think so.

  IVY: Ooh, the swine.

  NORA: They always want the biggest share of everything, especially of original sin.

  IVY: Yeah, I suppose God made them to go and people the planet. I just wish he’d give them a hint when to stop.

  Compo, Clegg and Foggy are trying to catch a donkey when they stumble across Howard and Marina having an extramarital tango.

  MARINA: (Sees Clegg) Norman Clegg that was, who once dallied with my affections.

  CLEGG: (Retreats) I never dallied, I never even dillied. Tell her I never dillied.

  MARINA: Where’s he going?

  COMPO: He’s got a donkey to catch.

  MARINA: Damn, are the buses on strike again?

  ‘UNCLE OF THE BRIDE’

  As Howard and Pearl approach the Pegden’s house to deliver their wedding present, they see Marina leaving.

  PEARL: What’s she doing there?

  HOWARD: Pearl, love, how do I know what a certain lady, who is almost entirely a stranger to me…

  PEARL: (Interrupting) Don’t lie to me!

  HOWARD:…could be doing at Wesley’s house?

  PEARL: ‘Let’s call in at Wesley’s place,’ you said, ‘and leave our little wedding gift.’

  HOWARD: I assure you Pearl, I had no idea.

  PEARL: You’ve got ideas, it’s always been your trouble. You’ve got ideas bigger than your natural capacity.

  HOWARD: (Protesting) I’ve never had any complaints about my natural capacity.

  PEARL: Well, you’re getting one now!

  Marina exchanges pleasantries, as she passes them.

  MEMORIES…

  ‘I’ve played Howard for 24
years and it’s my favourite TV role. Like Marina and Pearl, Howard was first seen in the stage show.

  ‘It’s funny what you do for television: in real life, I don’t like heights but as Howard have climbed on roofs and been in a tree house; I guess you’re concentrating so much on your lines and the action, you don’t have time to worry about such things.

  ‘People still ask where Marina is when I’m walking down the street—the characters are so popular. There used to be a couple who’d dress up as Howard and Marina and cycle around Yorkshire on a tandem.’

  ROBERT FYFE (Howard)

  MARINA: Good evening, Pearl. (Shyly) Howard.

  HOWARD: Oh, good evening, er…er…er.

  ‘THERE TAKIN HIS TELLY AGAIN.’ (NORA)

  PEARL: (Accusingly) Her name slipped your memory, has it? A likely story.

  HOWARD: I told you, practically a stranger to me.

  PEARL: You should have no problem remembering the name ‘Marina’. Just think of it as a place frequented by sailors.

  ‘THE HEAVILY REINFORCED BOTTOM’

  Nora and Wally are window shopping for ladieswear.

  NORA: I like that one.

  WALLY: Aye.

  NORA: What do you mean, ‘Aye’?

  WALLY: I mean, ‘OK, so you like that one, great’!

  NORA: Do you like it?

  WALLY: Do you care?

  NORA: Of course I care, I’m not going to wear something if you don’t like it.

  WALLY: (Surprised) Starting when?

  NORA: Just tell me if you like it.

  WALLY: Can I be honest?

  NORA: Well, what’s the point of me asking you if you’re not going to be honest?

  WALLY: Well, just remember that, and don’t change your mind.

  NORA: Do you like it or do you not?

  WALLY: I hate it!

  Nora lashes out at Wally.

  NORA: You cheeky monkey, you’re just being awkward.

  WALLY: (Terrified) I like it, I like it!

  NORA: I want your honest opinion, and you’d better get it right next time!

  ‘DRIED DATES AND CODFANGLERS’

  Wally has just arrived home on his motorbike when Nora comes outside to see where he’s been.

  NORA: Oh, there you are. What have you done with my carpet shampooer. You go off without a word. Suppose you get killed, and there’s me with no carpet shampooer.

  Wally can’t hear because he’s still wearing his helmet.

  NORA: Why is he not listening to me? (She hits him on top of the helmet) Will you listen to me when I’m shouting at you!

  WALLY: (Removes helmet) Good grief, woman, I thought we’d some tiles off.

  MEMORIES…

  ‘I cast Michael Aldridge as Seymour. He had an eccentric look and was a wonderful actor with a brilliant sense of comedy. Roy had written the character as a retired headmaster of a dubious school. He had him living in a remote cottage on his own. We couldn’t find anywhere and were just about to give up, thinking that Roy would have to rewrite it with the character living in the town, like everyone else, when I spotted this boarded up cottage in the distance, not more than a mile from Holmfirth.

  ‘It was in the middle of a field owned by the Hepworth Iron Company who made pipes from clay in the land. We got permission to film, made the cottage look pretty again and even dug a duck pond. It looked serene in the programme but in reality was on the edge of the moor and the slightest wind was a gale up there.’

  ALAN J W BELL (Producer/Director)

  NORA: What have you done with my carpet shampooer? And don’t you take another step until you tell me where me carpet shampooer is.

  WALLY: Seymour said he could fix it so I let him take it to fix it.

  NORA: Have you no more sense?

  ‘GET OFF ME STEPS.’ (NORA)

  WALLY: He said he could fix it. He should be able to, he invents things.

  NORA: Aye, what he invents most are excuses when he can’t fix it. (Wally puts his helmet on again) And don’t put your helmet back on, you can’t hear me with your helmet on.

  WALLY: I know. They cost a fortune, does a good helmet, but they’re worth every penny.

  ‘THE REALLY MASCULINE PURSE’

  Clegg is contemplating the meaning of life.

  CLEGG: Do you realise how fortunate it is that lips are at the front? I mean, if they were at the back, you’d never know what you were eating. On the other hand, they’d be ideally placed for kissing goodbye.

  DID YOU KNOW?

  The 1981 Christmas Special, Whoops, beat Gone With the Wind in the ratings.

  ‘WHO’S FEELING EJECTED, THEN?’

  Howard and Marina cautiously emerge from some woods. They’re disappointed, but for different reasons.

  HOWARD: I’m sorry I wasn’t able to show you the caterpillar of the woodmoth.

  MARINA: It came as a bit of a disappointment to me, too.

  ‘THAT CLEARS YOUR CATARAH.’ (COMPO)

  HOWARD: I felt sure once we’d got among the trees, I’d be able to put me hand almost straight on to one.

  MARINA: (Sticking her chest out) It wouldn’t have come as any surprise to me!

  MEMORIES…

  ‘The character Roy Clarke drew was outrageous but with a heart of gold. Marina evolved during the two summer seasons before I started on TV. Having a say in what she wore and how she looked, I opted for miniskirts and the brassy blonde style. Initially, though, the BBC costume department kitted me out with a low-cut red jumper and black skirt, but the following year, we went to Dorothy Perkins and bought miniskirts. A lot of her jackets, meanwhile, come from charity shops.

  ‘I receive lots of fan mail, particularly from older men who think Marina is the bee’s knees. But children, as young as nine, write saying how much they love the character.

  ‘I’ll never forget filming the episode, ‘The Treasure Of The Deep’. Howard and I had to fall out a rowing boat. We were terrified, especially as we were fully-clothed. A special effects’ man tipped the boat up from underneath. Robert hadn’t told me he couldn’t swim and was more scared than me; he ended up putting his hand on top my head, completely submerging me!

  ‘Unfortunately, we had to shoot the scene again, once our clothes were dry and my wig—we used three different ones over the 25 years—reset.’

  JEAN FERGUSSON (Marina)

  HOWARD: You know what the trouble with the world is?

  MARINA: What’s the trouble with the world, Howard?

  HOWARD: They wouldn’t really believe we came out here, looking for the caterpillar of the woodmoth.

  MARINA: (To herself, in frustration) I know just how it feels!

  ‘EDIE AND THE AUTOMOBILE’

  Compo comments on Nora’s wrinkled stockings.

  COMPO: Look at ’em—urgh, like a couple of Chinese lanterns.

  Glenda and Barry are in their kitchen. Glenda has placed a chocolate éclair in front of Barry. Barry is in a state of shock after giving driving lessons to Edie.

  GLENDA: (Trying to be comforting) It wasn’t anything personal.

  BARRY: I’ve never heard a motor car whimper before.

  GLENDA: I just thought, you know, fresh blood. No, forget I ever said that.

  MEMORIES…

  ‘While appearing in J B Priestley’s comedy When We Are Married in Leatherhead, I wrote to about six light-comedy producers, one of them Alan Bell. He brought his family to see the show. He was looking for a Glenda and on the last night left a note asking me to see him—and I got the part. I’ll never forget my first day’s filming, though. I arrived, wearing beautiful white leather shoes and stepped out of a car into a big puddle.

  ‘Glenda was a weak child to begin with but has grown hugely in confidence; she’s showing signs of becoming like her mother, Edie, played by the late Thora Hird, who’d never allowed her to be modern. In fact, the show has always had an oldfashioned quality about it, which is one of its strengths.

  ‘I hit it off with Mike Grady, who plays
Barry, from the beginning. We’ve got a strong screen partnership and I love our scenes together. I’ll never forget recording a breakfast scene for the episode, ‘Last Post And Pigeon’. Mike was supposed to eat a boiled egg but couldn’t break it open. Someone suggested using a knife but we did take after take—we were in hysterics. Eventually, he opened the egg but it whizzed across the room. But things like that happened—often the doors of Edie’s Triumph Herald would stick; even the steering wheel came off once!’

  SARAH THOMAS (Glenda)

  BARRY: I’ve heard a gearbox scream, but I’ve never heard one whimper—unless it was me?

  GLENDA: Anyway, is me mam getting any better?

  Barry looks distressed again.

  GLENDA: Does that mean you’re not going again, Barry?

  BARRY: I’m not, I’m not going again. Why did you send me?

  GLENDA: Oh, it’s not easy being torn between your father and your husband.

  BARRY: It’s not easy tearing between two lorries on Stackpool Street.